Homeboi's Diary

Dick In A Box

2006-12-23T19:04:00.000Z

You may never be able to take Thrustin Trousersnake seriously ever again!

Oi You!!

2006-12-22T03:20:00.000Z

Adrian and Liam had just left in a taxi to theirs.

'Oi You!' he cries, fit lad in a blue shirt at the taxi rank. His other two mates had left the rank office and got in the cab.
I acknowledge him.
'So, him you've just bin kissin'. He your boyfriend? You take it up the arse off him?'
I grin. Widely. 'They both me boyfriends. I take it up the arse off both of 'em.'
I know he can't wait too long because of his mates. I'm safe. I've done nothing wrong. Look on his face of utter disbelief.
'You need to get your dick in order!'

Oh, how wrong he is...

Obviously, he can comprehend one man sleeping with another man. Adrian had (possibly) been taunting him and his two mates when we arrived at the taxi rank, Liam wondered how he doesn't get into trouble. But one man sleeping with two other men, and referring to them both as boyfriends was clearly beyond him! Makes you wonder how they can resolve their own lesbian fantasies...

And tonight I meet Liam's li'l bro, Damien. Bless, he's only 19. Taller than Liam, just, but no where near as cute. He's straight too. It's quite sweet to see Liam in 'protective mode'. We'd spoken ages ago about him wanting to have kids of his own, and to an extent he did bring up himself, his younger sister and Damien. Ok, so he's got this boi as his too, but I'm more than just a child in this. One day he will make a good parent, of that I'm so very sure.

Feet

2006-12-21T20:26:00.000Z

I've noticed something strange about myself over the last week. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the anti-b's I've been on but its something that's actually starting to irritate the fuck outta me.

My feet are constantly wet and sweaty.

And it's not because of the boots or trainers I wear. I've got a pair of leather slippers which are all open apart from a band going over the foot just behind the toes. My feet even sweat in those!

As a kid I used to have problems with sweaty feet but as I grew up the problem went away. I'm told they really used to stink - of course I've never smelt it. And I can't even tell you if my feet smell now.

I've just had a bath - meeting Liam after work. I'm sat naked from the waist down apart from my slippers. And it's not funny feeling like your feet are in bowls of slimy warm custard. Yeuck!

Clinic Today

2006-12-20T20:02:00.000Z

Well guess what? Guess who's been given another week's supply of anti-b's? Yup, me!!

Oh yay!

The nose is better a week on. Had a couple of strange reactions to the tablets ranging from serious sneezing bouts, nose bleeds and trapped wind but much less pain.

We didn't do blood samples today. Doctor wants me to have another week on the tablets to make sure I'm clear of this infection, then a week off, then we'll do the samples again. He's pretty confident that its the infection that knocked everything out of order. Of course, we'll know for sure in mid January...

Actually, I think I've done pretty will with taking the tablets and keeping on top of them. I've only got two doses to tag on to the end and the only reason for that was down to sleeping in (very very) late on Sunday.

No One Bad Mouths My Boys!!

2006-12-20T19:07:00.000Z

Something happened over the weekend. Something that in any other relationship probably could have gotten me into a whole heap of trouble. As it was, in the end, there was nothing to worry about - everything worked out just fine...

We were out. The three of us. Liam had disappeared for a while because he spotted someone he wanted to talk to and Adrian was busy gabbing to someone I didn't know. So I goes to get myself a drink. While I'm waiting to be served this guy begins to hit on me. There was someone else hanging around him - who I assumed to be a boyfriend - so at first I tried not to pay attention. But he still persisted to make eye contact with me and so we ended up talking for a while.

He was quite attractive, nice personality, and I do sometimes have this thing for cute skinheads. This was one of those occasions. I eventually got my drink. Took a swig, placed in back down to pocket my change when i feel this lump pressing between my arse cheeks. My arse was much more noticable that night because I was wearing tight jeans, just for a change. The lump felt nice, and he started to grind it into me. Then he pulled me back towards him and found a place to kiss me that always makes me go weak. So the kissing combined with the rubbing and grinding he had me at his mercy. We started talking again and he compliments me on my arse, telling me that he's really going to enjoy fucking it later. Presumptuous, I thought to myself.

'So you moving on somewhere...?' he asked.
'Don't know what we're doing yet.' I responded. It was true. Wherever I was going to go Liam and Adrian had to know about and I wasn't about to go off with someone else and leave them worrying about what had happened to me.

We spoke a little more. We got the status disclosure things out of the way from the start, found out that we'd both got kids - although his were biological, and also worked out that he was top which meant that he intended to '...lay you down and nail you into the floor all night!'

I giggled at this last one. And kinda hoped that Adrian didn't hear what was going on. He's been in ear shot when people have tried to pick me up before, he usually just smiles. Silly thing is, this guy did actually turn me on. Not in the same way as my boys, but still it was a turn on. I tell him that he is attractive, and that he will fuck me, just maybe not tonight.

'O come on,' he starts, grabbing my wrist, 'lets go somewhere else. Have a dance, then take you home and fuck the arse off you. You'll be walking like John Wayne tomorrow afternoon.'
I conceded. 'Ok, but I need to let people know where I am.'

So I end up trolling round to find Liam. His eyes light up when he sees me and he flings his arms open wide. I explain the situation, he grins, quick kiss then he tells me he'll be along in a bit. Then I go and find Adrian and tell him that I'm being abducted. He's ok with this, smile on his face. Me and this guy move along...

We get into the club, go to the bar although I don't want a drink just yet. He's found that he can pick me up (physically) with a hand in my crotch and a hand on my arse and its while he's doing this that he tells me he's gonna sort out a pill for me. Not so long afterwards we find a quiet dark area and he pops what feels like half a pill in my mouth. I swallow. He swallows his and we kiss deeply.

I get led off to dance with him. At this point I realise that he's had more pills than I have - not that that's any problem - but it kind of put my guard up a little. So I start dancing - feeling a bit conspicuous because the place is fairly quiet in the run up to Christmas. I think he spots my unease and we find somewhere to sit.

We're in another dark corner, him sat in a chair with me sat across him. I can feel his cock bulging underneath me. And I like the feeling. My half pill starts to kick in. We start to snog, and he's touching me up all over. He didn't feel the PA (I'm pretty sure) but he did feel the cock ring I was wearing that night and comments with approval. Somehow we get onto my past in slavery and I also point out to him that the two guys I told where I was going were my boyfriends.

'O I know them pair of wankers!' he starts. 'What you doing with them? Mr and Mr Boring. Why you hanging round their table waiting for scraps to fall off when you can have all of me?'

Up to that point he'd been making all the right moves, saying all the right words and pushing every single button in the right way. Then he continued with more comments. Now I'd already decided to myself that my place that night was at home in the bed of my boyfriends. Call me old fashioned but I can always take a number and arrange a shag for another night. But after his comments about the guys I love with all my heart, well, he just shot himself in the foot good and propper!

I needed to go to the loo. On my way I spied Liam who himself was getting chatted up. 'I need help out of this one honey!' I said grabbing his arm as I passed. To be truthful I'm not sure whether he heard me properly, but I said what I needed to. I went to the loo. I thought about what I'd just done and considered carefully. When I returned to the guy his whole attitude had changed. I think it had sunk into him that I wouldn't be going back with him, even though he did accuse me of saying that I would. I corrected him.

'Look, it's not you. It's the situation, and I'm not used to this.' I said
'O, I know it's not me.' he barked. I felt like calling him a smug bastard but decided better of it.
'Ok, shall I just fuck off then?' I questioned. With no response I simply turned and left.

I knew Liam would still be about, it was just a matter of locating him. Eventually we collided and compared notes. Liam was on his own. 'Well, I fucked that one off.' I began, and then proceeded to tell Liam about him bad mouthing him and Adrian. 'And I'm sorry, you know I love you guys...'
'I've had him!' Liam announced. It didn't come as a suprise actually. 'Want a pill?'

His expression was enough to brush away my upset about the things the guy had said. I'd switched off because I didn't want to entertain the comments.
'That guy I was with, fucked him off too. He was passive. Now if he'd been active...'

We went off to find where Adrian had got to. I knew I could relax and be happy, and forget about that guy once we were all together.

So what, my boys might not be all things to all people. I've never asked them to be like that. I just want them to be themselves. They know I love them so much and I know they love me the same in return. But no one, and I do mean no one, ever talks about them like that to me.

Really Not With It

2006-12-15T21:27:00.000Z

What can say about today? Can't say I've particularly enjoyed it. My nose is still sore but more bearably. And I'm up to date with the anti-b's. But then it has only been two days. Gotta say I'm not enjoying them. They do make me drowsy. I'd say dizzy and forgetful, but I'm normally like that at the moment! And today I got pains in my stomach. Nothing too bad, but not the kind of thing you want to feel whilst driving.

So tonight I'm at home. Feels so wierd being alone at home on a Friday night. I really can't remember the last time. It's more wierd not having Liam and Adrian around me.

To be honest I'd really rather be on my own. Yea, had a bit of a low one today. I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. Tried to do some christmas shopping but didn't have the inclination for it. Bought a sandwich from Boots in the Trafford Centre and came home! And got stuck in traffic to boot. Actually, no, telling a lie there. I did buy myself a shirt cos it was a tenner. Still aint tried it on. It's age 13-14 so it should just fit.

But here's the real bimbo bit:- I've only just worked out how soon it will be christmas....

Apples On Trees

2006-12-14T10:24:00.000Z

Spotted the following this morning in someone's signature. I thought it was sweet and wanted to share...

Men
are like apples
on trees. The best ones
are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are afraid of falling and getting hurt
Instead, they get the rotten apples
from the ground that aren't as good,
but easy. So the apples up top think
something wrong with them when in
reality they're amazing. They just
have to wait for the right boy to
come along, the one who's
brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree

Blood, Snot and Tears

2006-12-13T22:28:00.000Z

Just woken up after a bit of a doze. Don't know what came over me. Was sat downstairs watching TV when suddenly my phone goes off, I realise I'm lying down and that I've lost an hours and a half.

But the anti-b's will make me feel tired. And that was what I was thinking about before I dozed off. Not that they would make me tired but that I was due for another dose. The Doctor grimaced at me when he told me the dosing schedule for the Erythromycin. He confessed once that he too is bad at taking medication, '...and even the multi-vitamins I promise to take at New Year!' I've already been on a 21-day 4-horse-drops-a-day anti-b course earlier on this year so I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. My mind just isn't wired up for regular routine stuff at that small a frequency.

Bizarre thing was that I got woken up by a text message offering me coke!! I thought about it. But it was a half-hearted thought if you can have one of those. I need to get myself stronger before I should really consider anything recreational!

Add to the fact that I've just sneezed. And it fucking hurt! So I've just blown my nose - because something shifted with the sneeze. That nearly killed me. The eyes did more than water. Then I looked in the handkerchief (as you do). Yuck, blood and snot. Never a thrilling combination, especially when the amount of blood is more than insignificant.

I just hope this shit works!

Erm, Have I Been Forgotten?

2006-12-13T14:03:00.000Z

Fun and games at Clinic. Didn't get seen by a doctor, as I was hoping for. 'You here for bloods?' the new girl asks me.
'Erm, no. Did those two weeks back. Here for results and to see a doctor.'
I then explained my reasons for needing to see a doctor.

After rummaging through my file she found my CD4 count. To me, its not good: 256. No trace of my viral load. 'I'll go and ring the lab 'cos I can't find it!' She disappears. Returns a few moments later and gives me the figure 6105. I look at her, puzzled.
'You sure that's right? Sounds very low.' I'm still puzzled.
I clarify that I'm not on meds and she goes off to check again, and also to find a doctor to see me. Turns out that she hasn't mis-heard, the 6105 is the real result.

While she was away the mind started churning. Was beginning to think that at least one figure was missing from the VL score. 'Oh god, this is the time.' I began thinking to myself. I get sent back to the waiting area.

And I wait, and I wait, and I wait some more!

Eventually, my doctor comes to get me. I explain that I've still got the rash, feels like its burning and that my nose is bad. He inspects the rash and inside my mouth with a light. Still not sure what it is, but I've got some steroid cream to try on it. After pushing around my nose - the usual 'does this hurt routine' - he thinks that that is sinusitis. So that's pain killers and antibiotics.

I told him that I'd tried decongestant sprays and steaming for my nose. He shook his head, saying that they wont work. Erythromycin in tablet form is also less messy than the saline spray that Mum suggested!

He told me not to be too worried about the scores. The CD4 is likely to be down with you being unwell when the samples were taken. I'd forgotten about that. So I'm back in a week and we'll probably run another set of samples, if I'm better then. And I hope I am.

As for the rest of 'the full works', well, nothing was said so I can only assume that there was nothing to worry about.

Clinic Day, and Stuff

2006-12-13T08:54:00.000Z

Due at clinic in a hour and a half. Not looking forward to it as usual! Heh heh. To be truthful I've felt a bit ropey over the past few days. Not too sure why. Maybe I havent properly recovered from the 5am start last Thursday. Maybe its the changeable weather. Maybe, I don't know.

For sure, my nose is really sore at the moment. All of it. I wake in the morning and can barely breath. Kinda clears itself a little after I've been upright for a few minutes but its far too painful even to blow! Rhinitis on overload? Could be. So that's one for the Doc this morning.

Was in such a bad and foul mood yesterday as well. If it wasn't the pain from my nose it was my face - the rash is back. I'm making a point of not looking at it in a mirror because it'll only upset me. Feels like a combination of it burning and the skin falling off. Hard to describe, actually. More than just irritating. So much more. Brought me to tears at least three times yesterday morning with the pain of it. So that's another for the Doc this morning.

And yesterday afternoon I was working with my manager. It was a very very wet day here yesterday! The rain brought out all the dickheads on the road! Definately didn't enjoy the drive. Probably fortunate that I was alone in the car because I know my language was, erm, colourful to say the least. Now I don't suffer with road rage, but was confronted with so many people who need to '...get back to fucking driving school', or who I concidered had got their license 'collecting tokens from the back of a pissing cereal box'. It really didn't take much to annoy me. And to the poor unfortunates that I drowned along the way, I'm really really sorry.

When I arrived, his first comment: 'Oh, it's a bit wet out there.'
Biting my tongue (seriously, I had to!) 'Bit wet, its fucking pissing it down.' I snarled. Oops. It's a good job he knows me so very well.
'I'm going to apologise now, I'm in a really foul mood and in a lot of pain...' I then proceeded to explain.

We had a huge argument (heated, professional, adult discussion) over what was happening with one of my projects. 'Ok, I'll trash everything I've done then.' I said. He knew I was serious.
'You don't need to do that.'
'But if it's not going to work, it's not going to work...'
'I just don't want them having to jump through unneccesary hoops.'
'But they already have to with their own work processes. Seriously, they wont mind!'
At one point I half got the notion to pick my laptop up and throw it at him and storm off!

I got my own way in the end. Not sure if he kinda realised that there was no way I was gonna back down, or whether he realised that I was right. Either way, in hindsight, I think I understand now what it's like for people who have to deal with women at 'that time of the month'!

Oh, and I got a phone call from Kyle late last night. He was pissed, and had had an argument with his fella - who'd stormed off to bed. He was going on with himself, it was all me me me! I flipped out at him. Big time. I just couldn't be doing with him. Needless to say, the conversation didn't last too long after my explosion.

Right, time to get moving and get this day started...

Life With My Boyz

2006-12-12T01:10:00.000Z

I suppose its time for confession. Life with my boyz is amazing. Completely unpredictable. Totally consuming. Like a roller coaster because you never know which turn is next. Words seriously can't express how happy they make me.

Take this weekend. Bear in mind I was working away Thursday and Friday. Woke up on Friday at 5am to start work in Liverpool at 9am. Didn't touch home until 5pm on Friday. With the driving and the work I was absolutely shattered. But I still needed to see my boys. Liam laughed his arse off last weekend when I told him I always reffered to them as 'my boys'. 'Adrian? A boy?' he laughed, astonished. 'You know what I mean.' I laughed back.

But anyway. Last weekend we'd done the sex thing after being out, and being together, and put Adrian to bed. Liam and I were lay cuddled on the couch with a quilt over us, talking. Well, I was trying to explain something. Liam interrupted. 'I really do wanna fuck you! Sorry to interrupt!' Kinda had me lost for words for a moment, then I continued. For the record, because we're both more bottom with me and Liam it is more oral than anything else sexually. Not that either of us mind that at all.

So we're lying in bed all three of us. 'And Paul appologised to me tonight, for getting me all wrong. 'Cos he only sees me in the cap and the trakies he'd got a certain idea of me. Seems him and his fella got talking about me and they've realised there's a lot more to me. He asked me do I do drugs.' Liam looked at me as if to say 'stupid fucking question.', huge grin on his face. Then Paul offered me some speed. I explained about me working and that I was really pretty knackered. 'Oh, so that's a yes then?!? Come with me honey!' and I ended up doing a line of speed with him!

Adrian really was dog tired. He'd fucked me once and I knew he was ready for sleeping. Liam commented 'so you're not quite ready for sleeping yet...?' We got out of bed, leaving Ade where he was, watched a bit of TV, drank a bit, chatted, smoked, had the kind of heart to heart where we leave nothing hidden... The usual, really, when we get together. Speed does make me horny, I can suck cock forever and a day on speed. I started to flag a bit so we went back to bed.

We're all just getting comfy in each others arms when Liam whispers to me 'D'you fancy sucking Adrian off?' You know me, I don't need a second invitation! One thing leads to another and the sucking soon ends with Adrian pushing me over on to my back, legs wrapped tight around his back and him planted deep inside me. Gasping for air, and completely in heaven, I tell Liam that I want him to cum in my face. Adrian goes over the edge on this. He pulls out and Liam ends up sucking the cock that's just been inside me as I go down on him. The combined attention brings him to orgasm in my mouth and all over my face. Happy, and well fed at both ends, we curl up for sleep again.

But before we settle properly I make a comment about how nice and wet and sloppy my hole feels. We curl up. I feel this rock hard cock lying on my inner thigh. It's Liam's. He pushes it into me. I'm gasping again as he fucks himself hard into me, my arms around the very knackered Adrian! He has to pull out. Think I caught his foreskin earlier so there's a little discomfort there. I'm still seeing stars!!

We drift to sleep all three intertwined. Me thinking, no knowing, I'm the luckiest boy alive because I've got two gorgeous men either side of me. Two guys I think the world of, and who I know feel the same way too.

Can I ask for more? No. Don't need to.

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms...

The Weekend

2006-12-05T00:30:00.000Z

So I gets this phone call off Liam about 5pm. Bear in mind we'd already discussed arrangements for later. The conversation starts itself off, then Liam goes 'Now let me see. I've passed on my message...'
'Yes,' I add in.
'...I've told you how much I love you and can't wait to see you later...'
'No.' I chuckle, 'you forgot about that one!'
'Well, I've done that one now! Hehe.'
I laugh, 'yes honey, and I've missed you so much too.'
'And we've sorted out later?'
'Yes, I'm just about to get dressed and head over.'
We end the call still giggling.

Not so long after I get a text asking me can I bring something or other. I reply yes. Then another text asking for something else. 'sure thing babe.' I reply. 'Can I suck your cock?' To which my only answer was 'Anytime!'

World Aids Day

2006-12-01T17:22:00.000Z

Jeremy said it best in a comment to me recently:

We grow up, we make choices and we learn, so here's to another year and more life, more love and a lot of HOPE.

And tonight I'm going to be where I couldn't be any happier, with my boys.

Things

2006-11-30T23:23:00.000Z

Thanks to WaterColourBoy for this. Made me howl.

A Photo

2006-11-30T22:13:00.000Z

Ok We're doing a nob shot!! And this time it's mine...

This months jewellery is a 19 x 6mm circular barbell. Got the 15 x 5mm ring on the chain around my neck. November this time last year I was flashing a 17 x 4mm around in Legends. It's two years old later this month as well.

If it decides it wants cake it can go to McDonalds, but if it thinks I'm putting a candle down that piss slit its got another thing coming!

I want to stop at 6mm. I think that's big enough for me. For now at least. Any more wouldn't look right. I just need to get more jewellery at 6mm. But I do love the heavy balls on that barbell! Don't know why, I just do.

Mouth Dislocating Like a Snake

2006-11-30T21:38:00.000Z

Guess I'm a mini porn star! The clip of me giving Adrian head has been seen 'accidentally' by a few people. All positive and nice comments, along with a few shocked looks.

And I'm not embarassed. I have been asked a few times if I'd wanted to take part in porn. Always declined because I couldn't face the possibility of accidentally seeing myself having sex. It's no secret that I like watching porn, and see numerous porn clips on the internet. But enjoying something and then suddenly watching yourself? Always thought that might be a bit too much for my own head.

Now I did get to see the clip. But because of being reminded the story behind it, me and Liam watched it as a giggle. Even so, even if I say so myself, it looks to me like I'm doing a good job, Adrian's expressions say he's loving every second, and my expression - complete with cock in gob - kinda indicate that I'm gettin off on it too.

There was a comment about when they could see the fuck scene.....

Communication. Yay!!

2006-11-30T21:11:00.000Z

We're all talking again now!

Met Adrian after work. Well, you if can call it work. Been in a training session all day in a bloody cold room - air conditioned IT suite (AC centrally managed on a fucked up system) - so I wont remember a thing tomorrow.

'Oh, so you're still speaking to me?' he begins.
'Yea. Of course I am.'
'Well you've not rung me.' he comments, noting that I've spoken to Liam.
'Cos I don't have your number. Got Liam's and the house phone but not yours. We need to swap numbers.'
He's grinning because he wants to think he's making me squirm, he knows I'm not though! And his eyes start to dance in the way on his can.
'So why were you so upset on Friday?' he continues.
I explain that I was drunk, the email, getting very emotional.
'Yea I did say some bad things...'

Liam is around. When we're alone I ask Liam if they are 'properly' talking. He confirms that they are. Then for the remainder of the evening we're chatting, flirting, laughing and joking as if nothing had ever happened. It's all done and dusted.

Later on it's just Liam and me. 'So you're still in to us then? Even though we do look as rough as fuck!' he asks.
'Fuck yeah!' I say. 'Rough? I'm the one lookin rough as fuck!'
'I had noticed.' he says with mischief in his eyes, stroking the stubble on my chin.
I explain that my training was due to start at 9.30 and that I didn't wake up until 9am!
'I look so much nicer without this.' I begin, stroking my own chin. 'It really doesn't suit me.'
'I know. Me either!' he says with a wink.

Bah! Wot a Load Of Wank!!

2006-11-30T20:32:00.000Z

But enjoy anyway!

Treating Herpes Hits HIV

2006-11-29T12:27:00.000Z

This caught my eye in a magazine I was reading at clinic:

TREATING HERPES HITS HIV

New study reveals increased risk.

HERPES IN POSITIVE GAY MEN INCREASES HIV VIRAL LOAD, AND RAISES THE RISK OF PASSING ON HIV FROM A PASSIVE TO AN ACTIVE ANAL SEX PARTNER, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND.

One study from San Francisco found that almost 2 out of 3 HIV positive gay men also have theherpes virus. Herpes never goes once you have got it – it just lurks in your system and occasionally pops its head up to annoy you. When herpes wakes up again, often there are no symptoms.

For over two years we’ve known that gay men with HIV can sometimes have much more HIVvirus in the arse than in the blood or cum.

One study found that gay men who weren’t on HIV treatment could have 25 times as much HIVin the arse as in the blood and even men on HIV treatment had four times as much. Other studies since then have found that it can be as risky to be the active partner in anal sex with someone who has herpes as the passive one – but without herpes it’s the opposite.
Now a new study has found that ‘peaks’ of HIV virus, both in the rectum and in the blood, happen at the same time that herpes virus production peaks too.

While herpes increases HIV production, when HIV positive people are given an anti-herpesdrug, somehow HIV becomes very much less infectious (down by 90%), while people who were onHIV treatment become 75% less infectious when taking herpes treatment as well.

This suggests that treating HIV positive gay men with an antiherpes drug like acyclovir could also help reduce the risk of passing on HIV, as well as help reduce HIV viral load whether or not you are on HIV treatments.

[OUT NorthWest magazine, Issue 63, December 2006 - The Lesbian & Gay Foundation]

Clinic Day

2006-11-29T11:47:00.000Z

Why is it that even after three years I still hate going to clinic? I know its routine, I have to do it, yada yada yada... But today was bloods day. Usual routine and chit-chat. 'You're here for the full works today!' the nurse said reading my notes and gathering all the equipment we were going to need.

That reminds me actually, haven't put my last set of scores here yet. Tut tut! Now remember, these were from samples taken a week after Pride (and I am actually quite proud of them!) CD4: 420, VL: 81300. Next scores are due in a fortnights time.

All told I was there for an hour. Flu jab first, so if I'm rough over the next few days this is gonna be the cause. Today was the first time I can recall actually taking notice of the syringe for the flu jab - and I got given the patient information leaflet. Fuck is the needle big on it!! And despite my piercings I still brick it with needles. The nurse assures me that the whole needle doesn't have to go it - 'I don't know why they make it so long...' she sighed. Well I felt it go in, it hit the muscle in the top of my left arm. As the fluid was pushed in the sensation could only be described as being hit with a bat. Fortunately only brief uncomfort.

Was good doing the blood samples. Again I cant watch as the line goes in but once its there I'm ok and I saw the vials being filled. I was practically gushing the blood into em. I am stingy with my blood, after all there aint that much of me or it!

Biggest suprise though was my weight. Now remember that I've always been a fly-weight, never anything of me. I've put on 2.5 kilos to make me 52.5kg. Yay, over 8 stone at last!!

Then we got onto the sexual health business. I'm never embarassed about my sex life, or talking about it. Confused the poor girl completely trying to explain that my 'regular partner' had changed again, back with ex's and that there were two of them! Actually, we had a giggle about it because she couldn't work out the best way to put it down in my notes. I'm normally ok with the chat stuff until we get on to 'and how many sexual partners have you had in the previous three months?' It's not that I get shy, I just genuinely forget the count. I know I once said 15 to a doctor, he spluttered and looked at me aghast. I shrugged and commented that I just have a very healthy sexual appetite! Then I remembered that I'd been to McDonalds not long before hand so we have an average score of between 7 and 9 in one night! Oops. I thought long and hard before answering. 'Three', I said, knowing I was wrong - one day I'll forget, or take a list with me, then it could get interesting - because three only accounts for Jeff, Liam and Adrian. Not Mart or a handful of insignificant others. Though I will admit to not being as active while with Jeff.

We hate the pokey thing down the piss-slit thing. Perched on the edge of the couch, trakies round me knees, my shrunken nob looked like it wanted to keep its lips tight against the metal through the end. 'Em, this could be difficult.' I commented finding that I was gripping the ring inside that tightly I couldn't twist it round. Eventually got a little bit of an opening, and she gingerly slid the stick thing in, I could feel as it got past the flesh-encased metal and she was able to get a sample.

At the end she handed me the pot to piss in. And I'm thinking that there's no way I'm gonna be able to do a thing! The toilet was occupied as I left the consulting room so I had to wait. When I got in there, I sat down, opened the pot, looked at it and my nob thinking that this could take a long time. Dick goes in opening and what do you know? I start to pee. I'm sure they put something on those sticks to make it happen!

I've still got that rash around my face - got a new outbreak on the right-hand side of my jaw - so I wanted to see a doctor about it. They found me one and they're still unsure about what it is! So we're monitoring it until I go back in a fortnight.

Ok, So How Did I Get Here...?

2006-11-28T08:47:00.000Z

Sunday night. Liam had gone home. I'd done another spliff, and was laid out naked watching the Madonna concert on TV. Amazing! Really getting into it when I heard a rattle at the door. At first I thought Liam had come back. Then I realised that keys were in the door, and the front door was opening. The only person it could be was Mart.

'Hang on.' I shouted.
A very very drunk voice (that was Mart's) called back an OK. I was looking around for something to put on. Now I know Mart's seen me naked before and he knows I'm comfortable with him seeing me naked. Still felt the urge to put something on though.

I found a pair of shorts and put them on. They were kinda tight and dont leave much to the imagination even though they are black! I called that he could come in.

'You wanking?' he enquired.
Yes, I was horny, but answered honestly that I hadn't. That was for later before bed!

I worked out that Mart was more than just a bit drunk. He was very very twatted drunk. 'You know I love you.' he kept saying, 'No, I really do love you!'. Then he'd lean forward and kiss me. A full and propper kiss.

He took his top off, leaned over to me again and began to snog me. His hand started to wander. The bone I was growing in my tight shorts began to get uncomfortable. When we broke apart, giggling I told him he was naughty, then had to put my hand down my shorts to re-arrange myself. Now it was very obvious that I was hard and horny. He put his hand on top of the package and gave it a squeeze.

I knew where this was going to be heading. Mart, out of his tree, horny, he was going to get sex and I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I thought long and hard about what I was to do next. Do I go through with this or try and stop it now? I was still stoned from earlier and I was horny. I decided not to resist. I handed Mart a cigarette, but he was more intent on snogging me and holding me than smoking. In the end I took the cigarette off him before we had an accident.

Mart was turning me on big time and my shorts were getting uncomfortable. 'Take em off.' he said, so I did! Next thing I know, his head is in my lap and he's sucking my cock. That felt so good. He lifted his head up and grinned at me. 'You can do that again!' I said, still breathless. 'I know I can!' he replied very cockily.

He moved round so he was kneeling on the floor between my legs, put his arms around my neck so he could pull me forward. I began to unbutton the fly on his jeans. I started to pull them down, stroking his back and arse as I did. He was thrusting forward and I could feel his bulge pushing between my butt cheeks. Yes, I wanted a good fucking. I moved my hand round the front, still in his jeans, and grasped his cock as he was thrusting. I wanted this, and I knew at that moment in time that he wanted it too. I just had to be sure that he was going to be ok afterwards with it.

With his jeans round his knees, still embraced, snogging, him rubbing his crotch around my arse area. I was torn, because I wanted fucking, I needed to get fucked, but I also wanted to play some more. I think Mart sensed this. 'Condoms' he said, 'we're gonna need condoms.' I agreed. Even though in the heat of the moment he could have shafted me right there right then with no protection I would have regretted it later. Really regretted it.

We took a short break. He went to the loo. I went to the other side of the room to pick up a packet of condoms and lube. I sat back on the couch, and when he came and sat next to me my cock was hard, throbbing, the circular barbell at the end giving it a fierce expression. I gave it a slight stroke and shuddered with the feeling. It was still slimy from his bj and it felt nice. 'Get your head down and suck my dick again.' I commanded. He did!

He moves me so he's sat up and pulls me so I'm sat on top of him. His cock is rubbing again at my arse. 'You're not wanting to fuck right now are you?' I asked. 'No.' he responded, confusion on his face. 'Good' I cooed and slid down his body, kissing his chest as I went. I ended up on the floor and started to suck his cock. He started to breath heavily, then started to moan while I gently stroked his meat and sucked on his ball sac.

He slides onto the floor and next we have my arse in his face. He knows I like to have my arse eaten out, and I know he enjoys it. And he's good at it! I try sucking his cock again, but the position I'm in doesn't make this possible without bending his dick in an uncomfortable way. SO I start to nuzzle the bit between his balls and hole. So he's pulling my cheeks apart and trying to get his tongue as far in as possible. I'm in heaven. Then he pushes me down.

'Sit on that dick, bitch. I'm gonna fuck you so hard!' That was the point of no return. Him being forceful like that, well, it turned me on so much that I sure weren't gonna refuse an offer like that. I put a condom on him, cover it with lube. I can tell he likes the feeling as I stroke the lube into the condom. There's a huge grin on his face that I return.

Without warning I get up and position myself over his cock. Guide it to my hole and swallow it in one motion. We both gasp with pleasure. Slowly I start to ride him, the balls on the barbell bouncing on his stomach as I bottom out. I pick up the pace, lean forward and we start to snog again. I'm leaning forward a bit now so he takes control and starts banging into me from underneath. My hand goes to my cock and I start to wank myself. He can tell I'm really turned on. He's giving me short strokes, long strokes, filling me with everything hes got. He pulls my hand away from my cock at one point, 'you're not cumin yet, you're gonna shoot it in my face!' If he hadn't taken my hand away then I would have shot my load in his face right then!

We change position, me on all fours leaning on the edge of the couch and he takes me from behind. He fucks me roughly, and I'm loving it. I'm pushed forward as he fucks harder and harder. Lots and lots of dirty talk that I know I don't know where it comes from, but its working so well for me at this moment in time. I'm trying to use my legs to push him even deeper into me. We're wet and breathless. Moaning, grunting. This is wonderful.

It ends with him lying on his back. I've kissed my way down his chest, nibbled at his nips and found my way to his crotch. As he wanks I'm flicking then end of his nob with my tongue. He knows I want to taste his spunk. I move myself round so I'm between his legs. Still flicking, licking at whatever flesh comes near my mouth. I slap his balls with my tongue and I know he's close. I close my lips over his cock head and get the first spurt of his juices. He starts to thrash around on the floor as I suck the rest up and out of his shaft. Half gets swallowed, some I smear around his dick with my tongue. I slide up his body, his slimy cock head in contact with me all the way and we kiss. He grins, then I remember what's all round and in my mouth. I giggle, swallow and lick my lips.

The following morning he's confused to find himself alseep on my couch in just his socks with a towel over him. 'How did I get here last night?' he asked.
'I don't know, love, you just arrived. You were a bit wasted!'
'Don't think I walked cos that would have sobered me up. And I cant remember getting a taxi...'

He knows we went with each other. No embarassment. There never has been any embarassment. It's been a long time since we last did anything with each other. The sexual side of our relationship is something special, we both still do each other because we enjoy it. I've still to make my mind up whether I tell Liam and Adrian. I probably will eventually. They know the history, they know what I'm like! They know they're my world.

D-Day

2006-11-27T12:25:00.000Z

<sings...>Happy Birthday to me, and my H I V!</sings>

Yes, we are three today. And I'm not going to get upset today.

Meeting the boyz later and we're just going to have a quiet time with each other. Missed not having them together at the weekend and Liam promised that he'd try to bite his tongue!

Just on my way to the office so I cant write just yet about something that happened last nite.

Interesting, not unwelcome, and certainly unforgettable!

Haven't You People Discovered Drugs On A Saturday Night?

2006-11-26T18:28:00.000Z

This made me laugh so much and be so amazed at the same time. Liam got thrown out of the Christina Aguellera concert. Oops. And I didn't get back in time on Thursday - was 8pm on the dot as I got through the door. Liam, fueled by coppious amounts of vodka, doing such things as stripping off in public! He's still not sure how it happened but all he remembers is getting thown out and waking up at home. Mark filled the rest in, and there's so much more I could write... But I did have a nice night with my weed. Would have been funny to be there, but so embarassing for poor Liam.

When I wake there's a text message saying he got thrown out. I think he's blagging. He then rings later and tells me the full story that's been recounted to him. I'm dumb struck. Liam knows it takes quite a bit to shock me and I just started to giggle. A nice giggle. Kinda, 'oh shit, that's our boyfriend there', mixed with 'I wish I could have seen it.' and a hint of 'aww you're so naughty!'. Then I got told about how horny he was that morning and how that waking Adrian up early had caused an argument...

So Liam now has a distorted body clock. Remember this fact. Friday, the idea is we all meet up. I try ringing Liam about 6.30. No answer, and I kinda know he's asleep. I meet Adrian after work and we have a few drinks. And I knew it's cos he was drunk he started talking about Liam, saying some nasty things. My heart kinda sank.

Sank because I'd done an email to Jeff. And trust me, I'm not proud of myself for doing it by email. I actually hate myself for it. Tried the previous Thursday to do it in person but it didn't happen. I was stoned when I wrote the email so I know that I will have said what I needed to say. I don't remember what I've written though. But do remember that its my fault, he's wonderful (because I do still think he is), and that I was so so sorry.

I ended up leaving Adrian in tears. First time he's seen that from me. Told him I had to go. 'Keep in touch.' he said. Because I was so emotional I know I probably mis-read so much of the evening. Before I left him I told him bout the email. I was hoping I hadn't just made the biggest mistake. I found a place, slumped against a wall, my head in my hands. Frantic text message to Liam desperate to know that I was wrong. And a message to Mart saying that all I wanted to do was die.

The only way I can describe: you're in a cartoon. you're stood on top of a building. the building catches fire. you jump to the building on the right, just as it starts to catch fire.

I woke on Saturday morning. Early. My phone had a missed call from Liam at really-stupid-o'clock along with about 10 text messages. He'd been asleep. Body clock fucked. We spoke for at least half an hour. The text messages and our conversation proved me that I was wrong, that I really had made the right descicion. We arrange to meet later before going to Mark's birthday.

Well the birthday never came. And I feel a bit awful on Mark cos of the tickets thing. But Liam had fallen asleep. A real deep sleep. I spent an hour outside the front door, even tried coaxing him with a bottle of wine. Shouting through the letterbox!! So I didn't turn up either (went home, got stoned, watched X Factor. nice one!) But I did send Mark an appology for both of us! It wouldn't have felt right me being there with out Liam, no matter how welcome I was to have been there.

So they're now in a serious non-speaking phase with each other. In fact today, Sunday, they've not actually seen each other. A text message arrived on my phone just before 2am - I kinda knew that was the time Liam would wake up. I'd crashed out downstairs watching TV. Went to bed at 7am but didn't get the message until about 10.30. He didn't think I could forgive him for last night. I knew he was asleep, I know he didn't mean to miss it. Of course I forgave him.

We spoke on the phone and I mentioned about going to the Trafford Centre, a nagging thing in my mind about getting a top. We decided it was a good idea. Adrian would be in bed until later and Liam needed something to stop him falling asleep during the day!

I picked him up. As we were driving I noticed the sun getting in his eyes and irritating him. I pulled the visor down. 'You don't have to suffer love.' I said. 'I know, but the mirror is too much. I look stale not fresh.' he replied. 'Babe, you look fine.' I said. And he did. Well we got to the Trafford Centre. Parking was a nightmare. We followed a sign saying there were spaces in one car park. We couldn't find a single one. 'I can't believe its so busy, on a Sunday. Do these people not understand about doing drugs on a Saturday night?' The way Liam said it was just classic. Not long after we found a space.

I'd already warned Liam on the journey that because of my size getting clothes was difficult. 'You might regret agreeing to this!' I'd said, slapping his knee while we were driving. As it was, it took longer for us to park and get into the centre than it did for me to find a shop, get two tops - one that I saw and really liked, and a Fred Perry one that Liam thought looked really nice. I've not tried them on yet, but they should look very very nice on me. Liam actually picked the one out of the size I'd got the other! Quite touching actually. 'Oo you're lucky. You can come shopping again!' I giggled grabbing his arm as we walked back to the car.

We drove back to mine. Coupla cans, few spliffs and we were so happy together. We watched some documentary on Abba. Liam rang Adrian to let him know it was on. I knew he'd rung Adrian, I also knew he'd enjoy watching it. They may not talk, they do still care. Adrian knew he was with me and safe, he rang to find out when he'd be back because it was getting late. We've had a great afternoon with each other. And yes, I did miss not having Adrian there as well, and Liam knows that. They both know I hate it when they fall out.

I'm just waiting on a text or a call from Liam when he gets in. I offered to get him a taxi, and he said I was so sweet, but he'd get the bus back. Didn't want to be cheeky. He is a sweetheart.

A three-way relationship is never going to be an easy thing. And I know its not something that other people comprehend easily. But my mind and my heart understand it so naturally.

You've Reached That Difficult Age When...

2006-11-24T09:52:00.000Z

...it's 9.30am, you've tried on new clothes, taken them off, you sit down (on your feet), fart, and follow through on clean socks!

Arrgh. Twat.

Well at least my new tracksuit (which needs exchanging for a size down) is untouched!

Planning For Next Christmas

2006-11-23T23:28:00.000Z

Overall today has been good. And I don't feel such a bad boy now that I've seen Adrian. His little eyes lit up when he saw me. I gave up trying to disguise the huge grin that I was wearing and just let it shine. Here's a guy who has the ability to make me melt without even trying. [rapidly shakes head] Sorry. Very horny and really needing a certain kinda loving... But I'll just have to wait wont I?

Anyway. I'm there with Adrian and saying that just cos Liam's playing out doesn't mean I could keep him out, '...cos I'll get it in the neck.'I said.
'Dont you mean in the arse?' he questioned with a huge grin on his face.
'I never get it in the arse from Liam,' Then I whined, 'I only get it in the arse off you honey...!' and gave him a huge kiss.
We broke apart with huge grins.

I left Adrian to go and get weed from Chris. Just driving out of town when my phone goes. It's Mark so we do quick hellos before I tell him I'm driving, stopped at lights but theres a police van right behind me. We break the call, then shortly afterwards I get a text message saying he can get another ticket and it starts at 8pm. I looked at the clock in the car. There was no way I could have even got home and got ready in time to go out with them. Was a pity cos I would have probably really enjoyed it. But I was touched by the sweet thought. I couldn't apologise enough. Told him I was really sorry but he would see me on Saturday and that I was looking forward to it. Should be a good night once I get Liam convinced!

But it got me thinking about going to see something like that. So I checked on the Area website for what's coming up. A mixture of knows and dont knows. But was most surprised at this. Jeff Wayne's Music Version of the War Of The Worlds. Fuck me! Year of my birth, but I was brought up with it as well. I love that album. It's all the way off until next December though. Boo Hoo. So I'll probably have forgotten about it by then...

Wanted To Hear Your Voice...

2006-11-23T10:27:00.000Z

Just had a quick phone call from Liam. And not off his mobile!

It's strange. When we split up I was loathed to lose any information I had about them. Liam didn't have a mobile, Adrian did but we never got round to exchanging numbers. So basically all communication was done face to face, from their land line or via Gaydar.

There was an instance one Sunday earlier in the year. I was at home, Mart was at work. I was having a great time at the computer, chatting, generally being slutty, mobile at the side of me. All of a sudden mobile went off flashing their name. You know that kinda 'o shit, what the fuck!' kinda shock? it was one of those moments. I took the call, trying to make out that I didn't recognise the number. After Liam introduced himself my response was, 'well I never expected to hear your voice on this phone again!'. They invited me out for a drink, I told them I'd think about it cos I was still shocked. Quickly phoned Mart - rare for me to do during the day unless there's a problem. Mart and I talked it over, 'Go see what they want.' He said, 'If something happens, take it as it comes. You can always walk away. Remember?'. Me and Mart were going out later anyway, so I did go out and meet them. Nothing much came of it, but it was so nice to meet them again.

So their name flashes up on my phone again. First time since us getting back together. No shock, pleasure actually! It's Liam. 'Just ringing you up, cos I wanted to hear your voice. Not heard it since Sunday...' That was so sweet to hear. In one of our sleepy-morning moments the first time round he'd said, right out of the blue, '... you know, you could be so easy to fall for...' Not long after, the whole thing fell apart. I think there's more honesty this time round. On all sides. I'm not trying to be good to Liam cos I want Adrian, and I'm not being good to Adrian cos I want Liam. I genuinely want the both of them. I know I said that last time, and I meant it, but I think its more important that it's obvious that its both or nothing.

There's a text message on my phone from Jeff. It arrived last night. I'm going to have to open it sometime but I'm not looking forward to the experience.

Liam and Mark are going to see Christina Aguillera tonight. Liam's feeling a bit shitty bout it cos the ticket he's using was originally for someone else who cant go due to someone else being seriously unwell, and also a bit gutted cos there isn't a third ticket for me to come along. It would have been nice.

It's still all up in the air about whether he's coming out for Mark's birthday on Saturday.
'I'm waiting for some money to come through. If it comes tomorrow, I'll be out.' he said. 'If it doesn't...'
'I'll be telling you you're coming out!' I interrupted.
'We'll talk about that tomorrow.' He giggled.

I'm going to try and catch Adrian this afternoon. Feel awful that I missed him on Monday and am really missing him. Told Liam that I felt like a very bad boy cos I didn't show and didn't say anything!

Things are going so well at the moment. I smile everytime I think about them. And we're talking big shit eating grin-type smile here and not a cutesy embarrased grin. O, it was so nice to hear your voice too honey.

Correction to Jokes in Bad Taste

2006-11-23T10:23:00.000Z

Oops! Just realised a serious mistake in one of the Bad Taste Jokes. It actually makes it even sicker on reflection. Sorry.

The correct joke should read as follows:-

Little girl wakes up after a bomb has gone off.
'Doctor! Doctor!' she cries, 'I can't feel my legs!'
'Erm. O Yea.' the Doctor begins, 'Sorry bout that, but we had to amputate your arms.'

punanigans

2006-11-23T09:03:00.000Z

The internet is an amazing place. This morning I discover a new word. Punanigans.

Whether I prefer that or slurping the turkey is another story.

It just trips off (or in some peoples cases, on) the tongue. Obviously I'm taking it from a gay stand point. Seems like ages since I had any punanigans. Let's see what the weekend brings...

Jokes in Bad Taste

2006-11-22T23:28:00.000Z

Some of these may offend, but they cheered me up no end!

Little girl wakes up after a bomb has gone off.
'Doctor! Doctor!' she cries, 'I can't feel my legs!'
'Erm. O Yea.' the Doctor begins, 'Sorry bout that, but we had to amputate them.'

Q: What do you call a disabled lad on a trampoline?
A: A spring vegetable.

What's very black, very loud, but now not very proud?
Stevie Wonder after mistakenly answering his iron.

[VERY sick]
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
[sorry]

What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

What's black and has 17 tits?The bin bags outside the breast cancer ward.

And did you hear about the cheese grater Stevie Wonder got last Christmas?
Fuck was that the most violent book he's ever read!

A Blast From The Past

2006-11-22T13:23:00.000Z

I've just seen a DVD title that's made me giggle:

Cum Eating with Alan Gregory

I'm howling with laughter. Alan Gregory used to mend my clarinet when I was in primary school!

Early To Rise

2006-11-22T10:38:00.000Z

I may have gone to bed early, but I think someone's been up all night cos they went out last nite...

My alarm went off this morning at 7.30. Spotted a text on my phone from Liam. Sent at 7.15! Of course I replied.

Really cheered me up. We were continuously texting each other until about 10am. We're doing a birthday this weekend, Mark. He's a real sweetie, and I am fond of him in a non-relationship kinda way. Liam was making sure I was going to be there even though his own presence had yet to be decided.

Historically Mark has never got on well with Liam's boyfriends and vice versa. Seems I'm the only one to date where this is not the case. Not blowing my own trumpet, but that surely says something. Especially as I know I've been specifically asked for!

Early Bed

2006-11-21T22:13:00.000Z

I'm bored. Nothing on TV, can't be bothered with the computer and I've been at it all day. So I'm off to bed.

Throat is a little better today but the rash is still there. Still looks awful to me. Only went out of the house to get gas, electric and cigarettes. Been a very, very quiet day.

I've got this overwhelming urge to go to Mcdonalds tomorrow. It's probably not such a good idea with me being rough and I probably wont go through with it. But then I also got this urge to cook something this week. Don't know what, just an idea that it might be nice for me to cook for Liam and Adrian. I'll have to look at the recipe books I appear to have amassed, see if something simple takes my fancy.

Yawn. Even the prospect of a wank doesn't interest me!

Ugly

2006-11-20T20:42:00.000Z

Am not feeling at my best today. Far from it to be truthful. Woke up this morning with such an awful dry throat thought I'd been rimming the cat during the night! Little Princess that she is (some of the time) slept cuddled into me all night. Was quite sweet really. Normally she'll come on the bed, say good night, then sit at the foot of the bed for a while before doing whatever it is she does during the night.

Looked at my throat in the bathroom mirror. Not a pretty sight. Red raw and inflamed. But the throat is only one thing. There are too many coincidences of things happening now that happened last year. You know where my head is going with this...

Had a shave - not had one since Friday night - and under the stubble was a rash. Red, blotchy and round the corners of my mouth. I kinda went to pieces. Now I've never admitted to being the most gorgeous guy on the planet. I'd never class myself as stunning but I'm certainly not bad looking. Even with the warts - which were a bit hideous - I never felt that bad about my appearance. Today, though, I really didn't want to leave the house.

I'd got an important work meeting over in Didsbury that I couldn't get out of so I had to go to that. Back in the car I tried to ring the clinic. Guess I needed some reassurance that I was wrong. They could fit me in next Monday, but that's not what I wanted, and I'm there anyway for bloods in the middle of that week. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror. I just wanted to cry. If it was noticed during my meeting no one commented to me about it. But to me it was obvious. I felt disgusting. I feel disgusting.

Got back home and waited until 1pm to ring my manager and let him know that I wasn't coming in. I'd rung clinic and left details and was waiting for someone to come back to me. I explained, almost shouting, what was wrong, and that I was waiting for a call. He not a happy bunny cos we've got inspections all this week. I told him that I'm still capable of work, just really cant face anyone seeing me. So he dictated a couple of tasks to me on the phone of things that needed to be done as soon as possible. They got done.

By 4.15 I'd still heard nothing back from clinic. 'Fuck it!' I thought, downed tools and drove over to clinic. I'd see anyone, even the cleaner, if they thought it could help. They found me someone and she took a look at my throat. It took two attempts cos I couldn't do the 'ahh' thing, kinda sounded like a paralytic wasp. No sign of anything untoward, just very red and very sore. So we're on soluble paracetamol for a few days to see if that helps. The rash, however, is a mystery.

Driving back home I decided I was going to need to do some shopping as I'd not got any soluble paracetamol. Maybe I just picked the wrong time of day, I don't know. But it seemed like everyone looked, everyone stared. From the little kids to the grown ups I felt like a circus clown where the make up had gone terribly wrong. I got what I needed, not necessarily what I wanted and darted for the checkouts. Tried to find the shortest queue I could and kept my head down as much as possible. And buying cigarettes ain't easy when you've next to no voice left!

Sat in traffic my mind started wandering. Lying in bed last weekend with Liam. I heard him telling me I was gorgeous, a beautiful person. And so many people want a slice of me at the moment. I'd wanted to meet with Adrian after work, its kinda become a habit that I see him after I've finished and spend a bit of time with him. But I don't want him seeing me like this. And talking is so hard.

I thought about putting a picture of my mouth in here as a reminder. But I can't do it. Vanity has nothing to do with it, I just don't want to be reminded of how ugly I feel at the moment.

Dont Piss Me Off Mr Postman...

2006-11-17T10:56:00.000Z

Tee hee he!

I ordered one of these on Wednesday:

Was hoping it was gonna arrive today. Followed my hunky postman (from a window, of course, its fukin freezing out there!) around the estate. Then he got into his car and missed me out. Grr.

And of course, this has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Mart and I are planning to get completely twatted tonight...

*'kin nob!!

2006-11-16T12:50:00.000Z

I love MSN for the ease it allows me to communicate with other people. I hate MSN for the pricks that obtain my address and think that saying 'Hi' is enough sweet-talk for me to turn a webcam on an start to 'do stuff...' With some people I'm lucky to get even the 'Hi'.

Now this is not intended to be a name and shame. But anyone recognise this nob?

I don't get turned on my performing on camera. Maybe its because I did it years ago. Maybe I just know that feeling flesh is better than peering at pixels. Either way, it ain't gonna happen.

But this lad, whose name and identity shall be with-held, gave me a giggle for a while at least. He was after a blow-job and a boyfriend, and a little disappointed that I was too far away and that, well, let's not talk about boyfriends!

His crowning moments of our conversation...
me: so, u got a nice cock?
him: have i thanks
me: that was a question, i aint seen it!

me: i like it sleazy. wots the sleaziest thing u done?
him: fucking
me: k...

Time To Say 'Goodbye'

2006-11-15T17:18:00.000Z

Got an email from Kyle this morning. OK, he sent it on Monday evening but I am getting crap with email again - amongst other things. Basically, call me 'as soon as you get this'. Now in our family group 'urgent' and the like has a number of strains:

'as soon as you can' - if you get round to it, great, if not we'll pick it up along the line.
'when you get this' - could do with speaking, but its not really really important.
'urgent' - you need to know this now (usually before I drop you in something).
'very urgent' - major shit going on!

Kyle and me never really got past what happened with me an hospital, d-day and him going off the rails 12-months ago. That's the truth. Despite that, he's still a part of my family and always will be. The past 12 months haven't been an easy ride for him for one reason or another. We've spoken infrequently on MSN, usually when he's been bored and pissed at home. Would be true to say that in some ways he cut himself off, and thanks to the stubborn streak in all of us (thanks Mum!!) it was always turned round to be someone else's fault.

But that's all by-the-by. Met up with him for the first time in a long while last week, Monday night. There was quite a lot of catching up to do, including updating him on the current trials of my love life - why can't it be as simple as my sex life!?!?! There are matters in his real family that I can't go into that have led to death threats, plus he's also managed to get himself victimised to such an extent where he's currently living that he doesn't feel safe there. He's fallen in love (his words, I've yet to see it) with someone from outside Manchester (way outside) and he's been advised that the best way to resolve a number of issues is for him to escape from Manchester.

It's a big gamble. His track record with people that he's 'in love with', well, don't even register as high as 'piss poor'! Too many people I've been introduced to with them being 'the one I wanna settle down with'. Too many times a few weeks later: 'they're a wanker! I still love <insert name of previous bf here>.'

But now a number of strings have come together. The Man, the escape, and the chance of a new life. It was first mentioned to me as an idea months back. I told him he was crazy. 'What happens in six months time when the relationship falls apart? You're on your own in a strange town. You'll have lost everything!' I asked. The response: 'that wont happen, I love him!'. You see the way that conversation went!

Now don't get me wrong. If this all works out for him, fantastic. If it all goes tits-up...

Well the point of the phone call was for him to tell me that it is happening, and happening soon. I guess I kinda hoped that he'd be around for a little bit longer. With more notice and less going on at my end I would have liked to have sorted out a propper send off, my Motherly duty! Lol.

He wants to see both me an Mart before he goes so he asked what I was doing tomorrow. My reply of 'balancing boyfriends' was met with confusion. The shriek of hysteria when I reminded him that there were three at the moment made him realise that it's not quite as easy as dropping everything at the moment.

I know something will get sorted, don't know what yet. I hate saying 'goodbye'. Ok, he's only a train ride or a car journey away. There's phones and the internet for us to keep in touch. But it feels so permanent and terminal. And strangely, I get the impression he doesn't want to miss out on D-Day this year! He mentioned about it, and coming back up for it.

It's been a funny old year. Good luck, Kyle. You'll be missed, sometimes...!

Tomorrow Never Dies...

2006-11-13T01:37:00.000Z

Its so deadly my dear
The power of wanting you near
Until the day
Until the world falls away
Until you say therell be no more goodbyes
I see it in your eyes
Tomorrow never dies

[Sheryl Crow : Tomorrow Never Dies ]

Three Words of the Weekend

2006-11-13T00:01:00.000Z

Sunday. Just. Will be early Monday by the time I finish writing this. But my, what a weekend! And it's made me more determined to get matters sorted out.

The weekend started Friday. Now previously, I'd end up spending most of the weekend with Jeff at his. But this weekend would involve me spending time with all of the men in my life, it had to to keep us all happy. Myself included. So Friday night I spent with Liam and Adrian. Liam and I had decided to have an easy night, get stoned, little pissed while Adrian was at work, then eat, chill out and do whatever when he got back.

I got round there for about 6.30, Ade wasn't due to finish work until 8, so for the first few hours it was just me an Liam. We cracked open the beer and started a joint, looking for stuff to watch on the TV. Then we'd start talking, and lots of little things we saw in each other came out. It was really nice. We know we can talk to each other about anything. I told him the story about me being called shy in MacDonalds by a guy whose nob I was stroking. He pissed his sides, said he'd never had me down as shy. But its a shyness that not everyone gets to see. I guess when I can open up to someone I don't need to use the shyness for protection.

It got to 8.15 and Ade rang. Liam answered the call. I just knew it was Adrian. They spoke for a while, Liam wandering between kitchen and living room, me with a huge grin on me face. It's the man we love, and he'll be home shortly. Liam came over to the sofa and handed me the phone. 'You alright love?' he said. My heart just melted. 'I'm good, all the better for hearing you though.' I giggled back. 'Aww.' he cooed. 'I'm still in love with you, you know?' he said. For a second I was stunned. Did I really hear that? 'Oh honey, I love you too. And I can't wait for you to get back home.' I had heard right. He said it'd been a busy day, and he did sound knackered. I just wanted him home with us. 'I wont be long, gonna get a taxi.' It was a horrible night, very wet, very windy, so I was glad he said that. 'So we're having a candle-light supper then?' he giggled. 'Don't know about that, I don't see any candles. But I do have an enormous spliff in me hands!' He laughed out loud. 'Tell Liam what I've just said.' We ended the call and I was excited and giddy.

Liam was in the kitchen so I went to join him. We chatted about our individual conversations. I mentioned about the candles. Liam spluttered a laugh and explained how that saying had come about with others that two of them had met. 'Don't worry,' he started, still smiling broadly, 'it's not like that. This is very different.' And I knew he was right.

We ate not long after Ade got back. The plan was for us to watch a film. But the program guide on the TV wasn't working so after spending ages trying to find something worth watching Liam thru Adrian the remote and told him to find something. Adrian went for the music channels. And the music channels, with a bit of hopping through most of them, stayed on all night. It seems as though theres quite a bit of music that we all like. 'Turn Me On' by Dirty Old Ann came on once, Liam stood up and started singing and dancing across the floor. Adrian and I started to giggle, then I started to sing along. 'Oo, I love that one.' he said, satisfied, as he settled back to a seat. 'Yea, me too' I responded. Adrian was finding another channel! One song that kept coming round, don't know how many times we heard it that night was Madonna's 'Jump'. We're all in love with that one. We'd always fall silent, nodding along, when it came on.

Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands
Get ready to, are you ready?

It was 5 in the morning when we went to bed. We'd had a wonderful night. Adrian made love to me before we slept and I'm sure I was crying a bit. We were all a bit mashed and I remember a loud moaning noise coming from me. I was enjoying myself and was so so happy. I slept very heavily - they told me I snored a little during the night, sorry guys!

We woke up saturday afternoon. Mid afternoon! Adrian was in work that night and as I had to go home I offered to run him there. Even if it wasn't on my way home I'd still have done it. Liam and I watched gameshows on TV while Ade played on the computer. Then it was time to take Ade to work. It was another horrible night so I was glad he was with me. The traffic driving thru town was horrendous. When we weren't far away from our destination Adrian told me he was gonna get out, he was already 5 mins late. He wasn't far away and probably would get there for the traffic would allow us! So we kissed and hugged and he got out. Waved as he went round the front of the car, and I blew him a kiss. My eyes followed his every step until he went out of sight. I needed to see him later...

Now the plan for Saturday was that I was going to have to see Jeff at some point. I fancied going out, as that was a way for me to get to see Liam and Adrian with Jeff around. Chris had text me the previous night about going out, so here was a chance to use his idea. Plus with Chris there if I escaped for a moment it wouldn't seem too bad to Jeff.

I'd told Liam my plan. He grinned mischievously. His expression said one word: 'wicked'. As a plan, maybe not fool-proof, but certainly workable.

As Adrian was getting out of the car my phone went off. I was in traffic so didn't do anything about it until I got home. Plus my phone was in my bag at the back of the car. So it wasn't until I was upstairs at home, after emptying my bag ready for re-packing that I read the message Liam had sent:

Really gutted you're not staying tonight. Love you being here, hate it when you
go. Really love the relationship all three of us have going. Make you a promise,
we wont let you down this time, you mean too much to us.

I replied. I told him i knew that tonight would be hard for all of us, and that I really did want to be coming home tonight.

A quick turn around, got myself changed and a change of clothing for tomorrow in my bag and off again. But this time to Jeff's. I'm back to the way I was with them before, they are constantly on my mind. All through the drive I was looking forward to later. Plus I'd not seen Chris since Pride so was looking forward to catching up there. I'll admit to feeling very strange when I got to Jeffs. I knocked on the door and tried it, as I usually do. It was locked. I have a key so used it to unlock the door. Went in, locked the door behind me and found Jeff in the living room. He beamed at me, I winked and felt like a traitor saying 'hiya honey' to him.

Jeff rolled a spliff which we shared before he went to get into the bath and get ready. I watched the TV. I wasn't uncomfortable there, just it wasn't where I wanted to be. 'So you've had a bad week?' Jeff queried. I rambled a response or at least it felt like I was rambling. True it had been a nasty week what with one thing or another, but not as completely awful as I'd tried to make out.

We rang a taxi, then waited outside for it. The wind was bitter and icy. It was a relief when the taxi came. The taxi sheltered us from the wind but didn't allow me to warm up any. Nerves? Quite possibly. I sent text messages to Chris to let him know where we were but got nothing back. Damn, this was going to make things tricky later. I'd kinda given up on Chris and his friend joining us but had already told Jeff I wanted to play out. I sent a text to Liam about Chris's no-show saying I would still be out.

Bumped into Adrian in passing. Gave him a quick peck but wanted so much more and he told me Liam wasn't going to be around. My heart sank a bit, but I understood. We got a drink and found somewhere to perch. I found my phone and saw I'd got a message from Liam, it was him telling me that he wouldn't be there. I started replying. 'What you doing?' Jeff asked. 'Well the guy I was meeting to sort out a collection isn't going to be here, so I'm finding out what's happening.' This appeased him and we got into conversation when everything was sorted.

I don't believe Jeff thinks there is anything goin on. And I know he wants me. We had a nice time out, and I guess I could breath a little more easily knowing that there weren't going to be any nasty complications later. We moved on, settled, and I went on the hunt for my collection point. All in all it was a good night. I danced myself crazy. 'You're so fuckin sexy,' Jeff started, 'what you doing with me?' I just grinned as a reply, anything more would have been incriminating. I escaped to the loo at one point, sent a text to Mart indicating that I was in love with two of the most wonderful guys on this planet. Yep, I was twatted, and I wanted my boys, so fuking desperately. 'Is there no way I can persuade you?' I texted to Liam. 'How you mean?' was the reply. 'Oh I'm just being naughty and want you both near me so badly.' I sent.

At one point I was dancing, Jeff had gone to the loo. This guy came over, giving me the eye. Attractive, yes. I smiled to be polite and wished Jeff to be back soon. He came back just at the right moment, put an arm around me and kissed my back. The other guy vanished.

Hometime. We got a taxi and went back to Jeffs. A combination of drugs and my dancing ended up with him shagging me in the living room. He wanted more, and I did too, but it was 5.30am. Definately time for bed. He was rambling a bit due to the drugs (I probably was too!) but he said a few things that struck the fear of god into me, it was fortunate that he was that twatted he wouldn't remember them in the morning. I skipped a chance to end this there and then because the fall from that high would have been too devestating. Too much unnecessary hurt. There has to be another time, another chance.

When I woke the following morning it all felt wrong. The wrong bed, the wrong person, the wrong place. How can I describe it? Yes I was with someone I have feelings for, but they're pale in comparison.

The weekend was useful in that it told me where everyone's emotions lie. Importantly it told me where mine were. Reinforced that it was going to be difficult to resolve this situation, but that I would be immeasurably happy once I'd found the way.

I Gotta Get Thru This

2006-11-09T08:34:00.000Z

Been in a wierd mood since my last entry. Got so much goin on in an around my life and in my head at moment that I don't know where I am!

Went to see Mart last night. I'll be truthful and say I've not seen as much of Mart as I'd like to over the past few months, but it has been issues on both sides. I'd been concerned that something was up. We spoke about it and he told me he was just giving me space with Jeff. Ok, a break from dealing with the kids (on a nearly day-to-day basis) was nice, but I do miss them. There's a strange symbiosis with Mart an me. Last night was the first time me an him have been alone in months. The stress of my current situation had me on edge and I think I was a bit set up for war! He assured me that I'd done nothing wrong, I can only believe him. He'd had problems but didn't want to bother me with them. Its an isolation for both of us that has caused issues. I told him straight: you're my family, don't care what men are or arent in my life; they can go on hold, you can't! So we're back on track, thank god. Also negotiated a slight delay in the D-Day proceedings purely so my li'l baby can play too!

Mart sent Liam a text message which Liam has got an issue with. Thinks he's stepped into something between me an Mart that's gonna cause probs. Truth of the matter is that Mart only has my best interests in mind. He don't wanna see me get hurt, again. Bless him, he was the one who did the great job of putting me back together last time. In a nutshell, if they jerk me about it'll be him they have to answer to. We're talking Social Worker with a baby style...

I'm trying not to get paranoid over Jeff. Generally paranoia is not in my nature but all guarantees are off at the moment. Work is stressing me out (there's so much to be done by yesterday again) but our online conversations are getting really minimal. I'm sure he thinks there's something going on. Mart suggested I call a break with him, let it dwindle down that way. Not an option as that's a sure fire way to let him know that something is going on! Always said that psychologically I'm incapable of having an affair. Think this is proving me right!

That said, I did have an affair for 6 months when i was a gay-baby. The world was completely different then. I was innocent (honestly I was) and leading two separate love lives was hard work but not impossible. Ultimately, the affair is what led me to Pete. Turned out the affair-lad was a lying cheating scum-bag (oh how love blinds you to these things when you're young!) and I was just a 'cash cow' to him. I lost both, at my own willing hands. I wasn't happy with either of the two worlds I was in.

Knowing my 'thing' for multiple-partner relationships another of Mart's suggestions was that I keep them all on! Recipe for disaster? I think so. Doomed from the start. Jeff's already stated that he gets jealous sometimes when he sees me with other people.

I'm either missing the 'I don't give a fuck' part of the gay gene that everyone else has, or mine is broken. I'm too nice to people. It's my sweetest trait and the one that is causing the difficulties now. Anyone fancy abducting this pup for a month or so while the dust settles...?

Runaway

2006-11-08T00:31:00.000Z

Can you dig it?
Something in the air tonight.
Got a one way ticket.
Baby, don't you wanna ride?

Got to make it
Make it to the other side.
I've got demons
Snapping at my heels tonight

[CHORUS]
I just want to runaway (Turn me loose).
Got people around running me down
I cant stay.
[WOO] I just want to get away, (I just want to get away now.)
Get them off my back today.

Can u feel it?
Im stuck inside in a hurricane.
Chasing rainbows!
Cant u see im going insane?
I wanna be a free man
But im spinning on this crazy wheel.
Im jumping for the high bar (Cant u dig it)
No longer know what I feel!

Cant u see [CHORUS] I just want to runaway (Turn me loose).
Got people around running me down
I cant stay.
I just want to get away, (I just want to get away now.)
Get them off my back today.

I just wanna runaway.

[Turn me loose, turn me loose]
[Turn me loose, turn me loose]

(Interlude)
[Got to make it, got to make it]
[Got to break it, got to make it]

[CHORUS]
I just want to runaway. (Just want to runaway)
Got people around running me down
I cant stay. (Can't stay here long now)
I just want to get away. (I just got to get away)
Get them off my back today. [WOO]

I just want to runaway.
[La la la la la la]
Just want to get away.
[La la la la la la] [Turn me loose, runin' away runin' away]
Got people around running me down.
I can't stay (Runin' away, runin' away)

I just want to runaway.
[La la la la la la]
Just got to get away.
[La la la la la la] [Turn me loose, runin' away]
Get them off my back today.

[Jamiroquai : Runaway : High Times]

One, Plus One, And Two Make Four...

2006-11-07T21:40:00.000Z

Been a long time since I've written anything here. Again!! Guess its a case of spending too much time living life than writing about it. So I'm not going to promise and try and do better just be honest and say that I'll write every now and then. Probably when theres something on my mind or I got a problem...

Like now I got a serious problem brewing. Could say I'm in a bit of a mess, or at least there is a chance that life could get very shitty shortly. In a nutshell, my emotions are torn. The title of this post is a cryptic message. Remove the first 'One' and three is family. Gawd I have problems keeping life simple!

Its been a very smooth jouney with Jeff over the past few months. He was the first person I think I allowed myself to have feelings for after Liam and Adrian. I didn't write much about what happened afterwards with them. Always meant to, but was never sure of the right things to say. It hurt deeply when we split up. There was a lot of shit surrounding the situation and a lot of unanswered questions. It was hard to deal with, and hard to talk about. Probably pretty common but not something I'd experienced much of in my life. To date, and including Jeff, there have only every been eight boyfriends in my life. As for casual shags and the like... well get the village folk lined up with socks and shoes off, we're gonna need them for counting...!

Smooth journey, yea, but not plain sailing. Its pretty hard to love only one person after being heavily entwined with two. But I managed it! There was friction at the start down to Jeff's ex. In part caused by his ex kinda fancying me. But we got that sorted and he knows now that I'm not the enemy. I've met some really nice people thru Jeff. People that really mean something to me. And Jeff is so sweet, he really is. I know he adores me and we've gone really far in a short time.

But its now it gets complicated. A year to the day who should re-appear in my life? In a big way? Liam and Adrian. Jeff learned early on that even though we werent together that they still meant a hell of a lot to me, despite everything. I never denied that I hadn't got over them properly. I wasn't in love with them but they were still as special as ever to me.

Every time we met back up afterwards my head would be fucked. Serious headfuck. We ended up meeting to go out last Monday. In my own mind there was a chance that I'd fall for them again. But knew that the real test would be at home time. Where would I sleep that night? I put off and put off asking myself the question because I didn't want to. The only answer that counted was the one given at the end of the night.

Now I've done the go back with some random for a fuck, sleep the night, then fuck off in the morning. So many fucking times. I had work in the morning anyway - so shouldn't have been playing out on a school night or doing drugs! - so should really have gone home. Truth of the matter is that we had such a great time with each other. Adrian was being chatted up by this hiddeous chicken (who really thought he was something). Liam an I were of the same mind: VIIIIILLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!

So the chick would flirt with Adrian, then disappear for a while. Adrian (who I'd already slipped a coupla pills to) would come over to me, quick kiss, then talk about how he wished chick would fuck off! Chick tried it on with Liam. There was one moment when chick was talking to Liam trying to arrange a threesome with them. Liam brought me into the conversation. 'Nah, it ain't gonna happen!' i said in a very matter-of-fact way. Liam then told chick that I used to be their boyfriend! Also tried it on with me - a number of times. Possibly thought if he was gonna get anywhere that night then he had to 'please' all of us. Tee hee he.

But the night was dancing and cracking jokes between the three of us. There was someone else with us (aside from chick) and we'd all had a ball. We knew that Mark would end up in McDonalds anyway. He always does. But during the night Mark invited me out on the Saturday and I accepted cos I'd only met Mark a few times but did like him a lot.

Home time came. Mark was still around. Somewhere. Chick was following us a bit like a bad fart. Then came 'the question'. The three of us hugged and kissed when I said I was coming back with them. How we managed to lose chick I'm not sure, but at least I didn't have to use the 'look, he's boning me tonight so fuck off!' line. That came at the instance of the hug!

In one night all the feelings came back. The sex, as always, was wonderful. Sleeping with the three of us in bed felt so natural. Liam said something so beautiful: 'Adrian, our boy has come back.' I felt like I was home again. Like I was happy for the first time in years.

I didn't sleep that night. Adrian went to bed but Liam an I stayed awake cuddling and talking like we used to. He told me how much they'd missed me, an I said the same. Seems Adrian had really missed me a lot. I though back over the night and realised that that was very noticable! He told me they were jealous of Jeff, because he had me now. But I knew long ago that Jeff was not going to be the one in my life forever. Without using the words we were trying to say the same thing.

I came home in the morning for work. Honestly I was waiting for the headfuck to begin and it didn't. Perhaps I was secretly wishing it to happen so I could put it down to experience. The train never arrived...

My intention was to see Jeff the following Friday, but I got a text off him sayin he wasn't feeling too good and wait until Saturday. Was pissed off at this. Even though Monday was still on my mind I'd missed Jeff. Honestly I had. We ended up speaking on MSN, so that was better than nothing. Also spoke to Liam on the phone and was delighted when he said he was coming out with me and Mark. He asked me what I was doing that night so I explained the situation with Jeff and that I was just gonna have an easy night. He was cooking, but said he was half-pissed 'so I'm gonna fuck it up!' I laughed.

I told Jeff on MSN that I would see him on the Saturday but that I'd been invited out by Mark. He asked whether its was ok for him to tag along. I explained that the invite was only for me. He was ok with that and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't know that anything would happen on the saturday night but knew there was a strong possibility. Either way I was excited about going out.

Saturday morning came and I did the things I had to do before going over to Jeffs. I put out of my mind all my thoughts of Liam and Adrian, Monday, and what could happen later on. We had a nice afternoon, pleasant, nothing special. Just easy like most of the things we do.

Then late afternoon I made a move to get ready and find out the arrangements for the night.

Going out was fun. We really enjoyed ourselves even though there was a bit of friction between Mark and Liam at one point. That will sort itself out. One of those 'i know whats the matter, but its not my place to say, but I can't put it that way' kind of things. Liam told me later that I did the best thing there.

Later on we found Ade - he'd been working. Liam and I, if we're honest, were pretty out of it by the time we got to Ade but we still dragged him off to spend some time with us. I can't tell you what we did or where we did it. We'd decided earlier on that it would make sense for me to go back with Liam so we all went home together. And maybe that was a good thing.

I don't remember the taxi ride back! In fact its the first time I'm having to scrabble to piece the night together. O yea. I can remember giving Ade a blowjob - he knows I love doing that - but I find out the following day that Liam had filmed it on his phone! I've not seen all of it - we discovered it by accident - but Liam said pretty firmly that 'we're not loosing that!' And I remember sitting on Adrian and riding his cock. I've always liked having him inside me but tonight I really needed him to fuck me.

We tried going to bed, but Liam and I just couldn't do sleep. We were restless so we went for a drink, a smoke and a chat before trying sleep again. We tried this a couple of times. Eventually getting probably about an hour! It was in these chattings that all the cards were basically laid out on the table from both sides, all sides really. We looked at each other. We knew what we wanted. We knew that tonight was more than just special. We wanted the same thing. But we also knew that I had to deal with the Jeff-end of the situation and that that was going to be so hard for me.

Sunday morning we woke up. Adrian did the housework while me and Liam lay in bed - one day we will help him with the housework - talking about everything: life, the universe, us, Jeff, Mart, Mark. Adrian had a bath and then lay on the bed naked. I knew sex was on the cards. I wanted it and knew that Ade wouldn't say no. We've fucked in so many positions over time but apparently doggy style was rare. And that's how we did it. To say my arsehole got trashed would be an understatement. He's never fucked me like that before. Slamming it into me, the full length, without mercy, but I knew that even though it hurt at one point and that he'd never ever mean to hurt me that we were both enjoying it too much for him to stop. Liams cock was in my mouth - I was that Sunday Spitroast! - and I was being banged so hard I'm surprised I didn't tear it off! Adrian came and dismounted me. Sweating we fell on the bed. I felt my well ploughed hole. Nice. 'Rite, looks like its your turn now Liam!' I chuckled and cocked my leg over his as if to sit on him. We all started to laugh, kissed, all layed out on the bed. A chuckle, a smile, a stroke of one body part or another. The head of Ade's nob was kissed more than once!

Sunday evening was spent at a firework display. 'You are gonna be bored, you know.' he'd said during the day, but with a grin on his face that said we can make some fun out of this. It was great to spend an ordinary day with them. A few drinks, something to eat, the firework display. Adrian helped out with the display proceedings while we stood and watched. 'Look at him!' Liam said. 'I know, he's loving it. He likes practical things like that though!' I responded. 'He's just a bloody big kid!' went Liam. We fell into laughter. 'Yea, but he is so cute with it!' I added.

So that roughly brings me to the here and now. Went to see Kyle last night. First time we've properly spoken in ages and he was the first person I told what was going on. Despite a text message to Mart telling him about Monday he didn't know anything. The headfuck? Well, something has arrived. Only this time its not the same. This time the headfuck is because I'm going to end up being a prize cunt to Jeff. He doesn't deserve it, hes done nothing wrong, and I know I'm going to break his heart.

Part of me tells me I should stay where I am, forget Liam and Ade, and make what we've got work. But that's just how it was with Pete, he hung around after we split up thinking that we'd get back together. All because I didn't have the heart to shatter his dreams and tell him what I was really feeling. Then I remember a conversation with a good friend, talking about me and Pete. He confronted me saying that he knew I didn't want Pete back, that Pete was being blind but I wasn't helping by trying to keep the peace. I agreed with him, I knew he was right and he urged me to do something about it. I left it to fate. Micheal, however, was the figure in my life that put the Pete situation straight.

For one person to have three people who think the world of him makes me a very lucky person. Very lucky indeed. But I can only choose one path, I've made that decision. And I'm so so sorry that the outcome will cause hurt and pain. I have to follow my heart, be true to my emotions and be fucking honest with the world. And honest to myself and the people I love and care for. I'm so so sorry baby.

Pride An All That...

2006-09-04T19:43:00.000Z

You know, I wanted to write about Pride shortly after it was all over. Hate it when reality gets back in, and in the way.

I'm told the the original Manc translation of 'Mardi Gras' is actually something to do with it pissing down all bank holiday weekend. Yea, we had the rain this year. On the Sunday afternoon I saw Canal Street empty completely within the space of 5 seconds. Amazing! Though all in all the rain didn't stop play and the parade (which I missed again) had some pretty good weather. I know that cos our taxi got stuck getting into town with all the diverted traffic.

Saturday has got to be the best day of the lot for me though. Spent the day dressed up as a slave, led round on a lead, collared up too. I had such a scream with it. The expressions on peoples faces when they realised what I was wearing. I'm trying to get hold of pictures but they are so slow in getting to me... If I was still in slavery my Master's would have been proud of the way I looked (and the attention I drew).

Sunday was a quiet one. It was late when we got out, though we did spot 'Cat For Rent' in Mutz Nutz - that struck me as bizarre. We quite like Mutz Nutz even though we ended up in this booth thingy that made us feel like we were in some hiddeous camp-queeny TV game show. Maybe this is what inspired our re-write of an old nursey rhyme:

Baa Baa Black Sheep,
have you any wool?
No,
I'm a fucking crack-head you prick!

Monday was the vigil. I'm learning that no matter how much fun I have over the previous few days it's always on Monday when my feelings start to get to me. I stayed the entire weekend at Jeffs, popping back to check on the cat. But on Monday we decided cos I had to be in work on the Tuesday that I'd get all my stuff home, get ready to come out from home, then go back home afterwards.

I lay in the bath water and thought to myself 'I really don't know if I want to go through this'. First set of tears of the day. Then I remembered that I'd got speed ready to see me through Tuesday! I get very emotional on the comedown from speed, being this emotional already might not have been a good starting point. We lost someone a few months back. Wierd thing is that it brought me an Jeff together. But that loss was preying on my mind all day.

Even now I'm having difficulty writing this. When we all got together that evening I know I started to get agitated. We had a drink (or two) before heading to the park. Jeff was the first to spot that I was not myself and asked if there was anything he could do. I just explained that this was how I got, and just be there. Then my phone went, Liam, 'You at the candle thingy tonight? I've never done it. I want to.' I know I felt tears well up in me, I told him that we were and he was welcome to join us. I'd wanted Liam, Adrian and all of my family there tonight if I could've had my way. Then we made our way to the park...

... serious flap-mode all the way there. Jeff just held me tight to him, Mart and Chris kept close by. We found a place and we waited. I guided Liam to us by phone. It was so good to see him, we hugged and kissed. I'd missed him so much. Then it started.

Don't know how many times I started crying. Think I gave up counting. The rain hid the tears anyway. So maybe it was my red eyes that gave it away. In the thickest downpour I turned to look at Jeff and saw such pain and desperation, and knew that was what I was feeling. It came as no shock to me that Liam was all happy an bouncy when we first met up. He an Mart were flirting terribly. It was the first time believe it or not that they'd actually met, but they both knew so much about each other. Then something strange happened. Can probably put it down to the whole atmosphere. Liam started crying. Not just crying but huge floods of tears. Think I'd tried to hide most of mine from him but at that point i burst out too. We hugged, and cried into each others shoulders. I'd say we both realised how close we still were. Liam hadn't lost anyone like me an Jeff had. The gravity hit and hard.

I'm having trouble writing this. So i'm gonna stop there.

Ended the nite in Thompsons. Trashed. Very trashed. Dancing around in me knickers! Liam's face was stunned when he saw me like that. I don't think he would have expected to see that based on previous behaviour though I'm sure he knew it was there.

Jeff and I got home. I recall sitting on the couch with him for a while talking. It was late. I was shattered. We went to bed.

Things People Say...

2006-08-23T15:51:00.000Z

Quick one that I've just remembered...

Went up to the local Somerfields earlier, just to get a few bits an shit - unpacking the shopping just reminded me. So I'm at the checkout. There's a six-pack of cat food trundling down the conveyor. The checkout girl stops, inspects and comments 'Aww, so you've got a cat then?'

Although tempted to respond with 'No, I've got a 10-inch tarantula with a particular fondness for Whiskas in Gravy!' all I actually did was nod. Damn gorgeous security guard was diverting my attention...

I Can't Wait...

2006-08-23T15:25:00.000Z

.. For The Weekend To Begin...

Mardi Gras/Pride/Whatever-its-called is so very nearly upon us. And I'm so excited. Ok, so its an excuse to get completely shit-faced for three and a half days (or as Liam says, 'not like we need an excuse!') and there is the 'serious' bit at the end. But apart from that it all feels a bit like Christmas.

Am I ready for it all? Well, nearly. At the moment the weather looks like its going to be appalling but that don't usually stop me! Outfits are nearly there. The collar I bought sometime last year is getting an airing - complete with dog-tag that took four hours to sort out yesterday!! - for the first time. Did some clothes shopping today but I'm not saying what will be worn when, and it will be a mix of old and new stuff.

But its all so close now that it's getting to the stage where if I aint ready then its tough.

Still need to sort out 'prescription' stuff... Oh, and erm, very important, tickets! Not gonna get very far without them. I'm so sure I was a lot more organised last year...

An Eventful Week

2006-08-23T14:39:00.000Z

Phew! What a week! Stop the ride Crazy Jane...

Well the tattoo got cancelled yet again. No excuse this time but again it was on the morning (Saturday) of the day it was due to be done. That said, I thought I'd arranged for it to be Sunday but things are happening so fast at the moment that I could well be wrong. I thought about looking for somewhere else in town for it to be done, but then thought that with only a week to go before Mardi Gras that I wouldn't want to be dealing with that at the same time. So it's been put on hold again until I have more time. After all, I got the best part of two months before its my birthday...

Also met Jeffs mum an baby sister last weekend. He'd mentioned that she might be coming up at some point, but added that just because she's said it doesn't necessarily mean its going to happen! As it was, very rushed, she came up on the Friday night stayed over night and left on Saturday night. Managed to spend a little time with them. I went over on the Friday night, Jeff was panicking a bit - don't all kids when the parents come to visit! - and he was a bit upset that I couldn't stop that night (ordinarily I would have). They're nice. I got approval and Jeff got told off for not introducing me properly. We saw them onto the train and then went out for the evening. He was kinda upset when they left, it was rather cute actually. They've promised to co-ordinate things better next time so they can stay for longer. I'm honestly looking forward to that.

While we were out we bumped into Adrian and a whole host of people I used to hang around with when the three of us were together. I told Jeff that sometimes in some places it just seems wierd, but only because of the memories and all that. He understands and says that he knows he has to be aware that I have a past. I've told him about how I feel about Liam and Ade, though when I first saw Ade and shouted across to him 'Yo! Sexy! Get your arse here and give us a snog!', well, that kinda sums things up. Later on as we were leaving and I said my goodbye's Ade asked whether he was just a shag. Proudly, I told him that Jeff was my boyfriend. He smiled and said 'well done'. I know I still love Ade (and Liam) and I do miss them but my heart is with Jeff.

On Sunday, when I finally got back home - cos after getting home I had to trek out again to get gas and electric - I saw I'd got a text off Liam. Seems we'd missed him on the Saturday by half-an-hour. I know I'll see them both over Mardi Gras and we'll have a good gas. Will I sleep with them? Difficult question. Cos even though I know I could if I wanted to (as long as its not flaunted in front of Jeff) it wouldn't feel right. But I'm not going into that one now.

Saw Mart on Monday night. Bless him, he's really poorly at the moment and unfortunately I've picked up on the bug. Ouch. Just at the right time. It doesn't help that he's so pissed off with work either. Quite a number of things are getting to him at the moment. Me going round there seemed to help though. We had a good night - Kyle and Chris were there too - got a little tipsy (and dropped a little speed). And I was supposed to be detoxing ready for Mardi Gras.

Bugger my children!!

I'm not hurting, but...

2006-08-13T17:53:00.000Z

Well I was expecting to be in pain tonight. But no. I'm in no pain and my body is in the same condition as it was on Saturday morning. No. I didn't chicken out, and I didn't miss the booking. It was unavoidably cancelled.

Went out with Jeff last night and we had a brilliant time. Neither of us came back too drunk either, unlike last time when we came back absolutely shit-faced. Just before we went to bed Jeff asked me what time I was going to have to leave tomorrow (today) to get the tattoo done. So I sent a text to Chris to let me know what was going on. I gets a phone call this morning to say that the whole thing had been cancelled. Seems something happened at the tattoo artists end and someone has a broken arm. So its all on hold until next weekend.

Ok, shit happens. Am a little disapointed cos I was looking forward to the experience (and the end product). Chris was really apologetic. Its not his fault though. So roll on next weekend...

Been A Long Time Coming...

2006-08-11T11:54:00.000Z

Been a long time coming, but it looks as if I might just be getting that tattoo done on my back. Literally just in time for Mardi Gras.

I can't wait for Sunday when its all supposed to be taking place, though I know its going to hurt. Was speaking to a lad I know who has one around his belly button who told me how the pain of that knocked him out after a while. I suppose its like a hair cut though, once you've started it its not that easy to just leave.

Mart's having one done as well and we have Chris to thank for all the arrangements: she may be a card carrying queen these days, but she's getting the arm tattoos to show that she might once have been a man...

A New Way To Price Your Post...!

2006-08-11T10:40:00.000Z

I only spotted the TV advert for all this a few days back. It made me piss. Especially when I heard that they were going to send out 'size guides' in the post!

Clearly it involves more work when the item is bigger. This bottom has known that for years! My size guide was in my head and sadly subject to a great deal of flexibility - also known as 'eyes-bigger-than-me-arsehole' syndrone. My mind is running riot on this one. Maybe its fortunate that I dont have the time or the software to produce an 'alternative size guide'.

Thank you Royal Male (oops!!) Mail for giving me a hoot!

Crazy Chick

2006-08-10T12:34:00.000Z

I think I'm gonna need some therapy
Oh babe I hope you've got a PhD
Won't you let me on your leather couch
I've got a lot I need to talk about

I think I'm crazy
Think I'm stupid
Must have lost my mind
Wonder what I'm thinking lovin' you
'cause boy if you were mine
I'd really go insane
You'd be my favourite thing
I'd go ballistic
Yea, you're making me a crazy chick

You're driving me, to insanity,
All the things you do
You make me come unglued
I just can't help myself,
I need professional help, help
I need professional heeeeelp

You've really done it this time
You know your twisting my mind
You got me acting like a whacked out chick

So I won't be responsible
'Cause I'm really not logical
No I won't be to blame
You know I'm really not sane

I think I'm crazy
Think I'm stupid
Must have lost my mind
Wonder what I'm thinking lovin' you
'cause boy if you were mine
I'd really go insane
You'd be my favourite thing
I'd go ballistic
Yea, you're making me a crazy chick

You're driving me, to insanity,
All the things you do
You make me come unglued
I just can't help myself,
I need professional help, help

Can't get you outta my head
so let me just confess
For those kisses baby for your love
You drive me crazy
I can't get enough

I think I'm crazy
Think I'm stupid
Must have lost my mind
Wonder what I'm thinking lovin' you
'Cause boy if you were mine
I'd really go insane
You'd be my favourite thing
I'd go ballistic
Yea, you're making me a crazy chick

You're driving me, to insanity,
All the things you do
You make me come unglued,
I just can't help myself,
I need professional help, help

You're driving me, to insanity,
All the things you do
You make me come unglued,
I just can't help myself,
I need professional help, help
I need professional help---------------------------

You're driving me, to insanity,
All the things you do
You make me come unglued,
I just can't help myself,
I need professional help
I need help

[Charlotte Church : Crazy Chick]

Oh My God! It's More Riddled Than I Am!!!

2006-08-08T10:15:00.000Z

Jesus, it's been such a long time since I wrote anything here. And I'm not going to make any promises about trying to keep it up again. You know I hate making promises I can't keep.

So we're over half-way through 2006. What a year its been so far. Highs and lows swinging like huge testicles, never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. I'd probably need another 12 months just to catch up. Time that just aint there. Boi's a busy boy at the moment (well damn good at pretending if nothing else!)

BTW. The memory is shot. I'm going to attempt to do a 'catch-up' but you can guarantee that I'll miss things out, hopefully not the important things though.

Considering I got more bloodworks coming up at the end of this month I guess the last scores should the the starting point:

CD4: 280
VL: 99800

We're on approach for Mardi Gras and guess whose next appointments are right afterwards? Tee hee he! Yep, u guessed right! I'm not expecting the next ones to be good anyway. I'll over indulge (in most vices), not get near enough sleep, be on a high of some description for most of the weekend right ready to crash back down to earth (in a bad way) just as I start work and go for my next tests. Oh I love it when I can predict things like that. But you know that wont change a single thing.

Health-wise I've not been too bad. The depression is still there. Lurking. Had a few periods very recently where I've been really down. Including one where I started shouting and swearing at Mart. He was trying to help me in the best way he knows by not taking me on and trying to cheer me up. I didn't want to wallow in it but knew that that was all I could do that time. Also had one where it took me two days to work out that I really was depressed, once I'd got that sorted I was fine! Go figure!!

Caught a dose of Chlamydia which led to a lump in my scrotum. That was painful and came up in a matter of days. It was huge. As big as one of my bollox and in the pipe-work. Silly thing is that I'd been for the smears and not heard anything back, then this lump appears from no where. You can imagine what went through my mind. My GP (who I saw for the first time since being registered at the practise) reassured me that it wasn't nasty but you still cant help but wonder. Anti-B's 4 times a day for 21 days. 'If I've got it right you should notice a difference in about 3 days' he said. Well I waited the three days... Then I got the recall from the clinic and they told me about the Chlamydia. I asked whether the lump could be connected. Seems in rare extended cases that lumps can form but I asked to see someone anyway. Saw my consultant who commended my GP (he'd have done the same diagnosis) and told me not to worry and not to play with it - it would only agrivate and make it worse. I'm in no pain now and the lump is largely gone, but I think it has damaged the tube cos to me I can still feel a bit of a lump.

The loves of my life - Liam and Ade - are still around. I'm not with them, and they are not together anymore. It all fell apart earlier in the year. Jealousy, I think, between them over me. Its a complex story and I'm not even sure if I've got all the facts. Heartbroken was an understatement cos it came out of nowhere. I can handle anything (eventually) provided I know where I stand. Maybe at the time none of us knew where we stood and that was the problem. There were a couple of attempts afterwards to salvage the situation but they all turned out badly. Liam confided in me one night/morning that he wasnt happy with Adrian and that was the start of the rapid decline. Then we went to have sex (at Liams instigation) during which time just as Ade had penetrated me Liam drops the bombshell that he wants to leave Adrian!! They've been back and forth with each other a number of times but now they are separated. Glad to say though that they are still mates.

The ups and downs of life have been more dramatic than the ins and outs of my love life! I'm currently seeing someone, Jeff, we met years back, lost contact and now we're seeing how things go. We met at a mutual friend's memorial. Everyone was saying that I could be the only one who could cop off at a fucking funeral! I love him a lot and we've been sort of serious for over a month now. We're trying to be adult about things. He's got his problems, I've got mine. We're not being posessive over each other, we're both free to do what/who-ever we like. As long as there are no lies or shit like that we can take on the world.

He met the ex's the other week when we went out. We were just trolling down Canal Street when out of nowhere Liam came bounding up, leapt at me and gave me a huge bear hug. Then Ade comes over, huge hug again, and tells me 'yea, I did fall out with you for a while. Him and his lies (nodding towards Liam), but it's ok now. You're still a good fuck!'. To be honest, I don't know if we'll ever have sex with each other again (Adrian that is), I'm not ruling it out, but I'm not going looking for it.

Mart moved in with me for a while (like about eight months). It was nice to have him here with me but it changed the way our relationship worked. We're still as close as ever, probably closer, but changes in his job mean he needs to be closer to work. Suprisingly, considering the length of time we lived with each other, and knowing our history, the number of times we had sex with each other is tiny. There's probably something in that but I'm not gonna think about it right now. I still love him deeply and always will. We've been through so much together. I know I can't live without him and he constantly tells me that he wouldn't be who he is and where he is now without me.

I've installed wired networking in the upstairs of the house. That was a fun project. Very messy though. I had a lot of fun working with power tools [insert your own lewd comments here...], making holes in walls [glory hole gags belong here...], and putting it all together. Maybe it's a little on the sad side but I do have pictures of the project. It's not completely finished cos I need to extend the wiring downstairs but that will mean having to learn how to do plastering.

Chris, well, what can I say? Turning out to be a right little queen is that one! We saw his first conquest at McDonalds (he rode top). Ok, so the three of us were Speeding and very giggly. He disappeared from the jacuzzi with a bloke so shortly afterwards we went on the hunt to see where they were. What a pity so many of the lock-ups dont have bolts! NOT!!!! We didn't go to perve, honest, it was just a quick discrete peek and then run away. Gotta say, I was impressed. If that was the first time he'd fucked a bloke (a point which is still in discussion) god help it when he really gets to know what hes doing. I'm told he's also done the bottom-thing. Bitch has got more men lined up at the moment than me though!!

Haven't really seen much of Kyle so far this year. We still havent gotten over all the shit that happened around the time of my hospitalisation. Typical Kyle really, I suppose. He's realised that I aint gonna come running everytime his life falls over cos I got my own issues to attend to. When we have met up I've avoided that whole point in time simply because there is so much that I could say that would tear the guts out of him. I've had the dark sheepish Doe-eyes from him but considering that we were once so close surely an apology wouldn't go amiss? I'm not holding my breath and I don't want that to seem as catty as it sounds.

Gloria finally went to another driveway. That was about three weeks back.

It was a sad time, but Gloria was poorly. I'm not mechanically minded but when a car feels like its just trebbled in weight and starts overheating after 10 minutes when you've got no where near 30mph then you know that something is seriously wrong. I know she could probably have been fixed, but I thought it more logical to mend it with a new(er) one! So now I've got a lovely T-reg Black Ford Fiesta. It's not got a name yet - my cars tend to name themselves within the first month so there's time yet!

O yes, the heading of this entry. Computers. I FUKKIN HATE EM

For the first time in over ten years of working with the damn things I've got viruses and malware that I just cannot shift. It's killed one server (fortunately I've not lost anything) and another is in a confused state. More confused than me. I'll get them sorted, eventually.

New Scores

2006-03-28T09:43:00.000Z

New blood results today. I got mixed feelings about them, and even the doctor seemed a bit uncertain.

CD4: 306
VL: 14700

True, the viral load is my best score to date, but 306 makes it my second worse CD4 result ever. Suppose I'm grateful that it's still over the 300 mark. Just.

Doctor asked me how I was feeling. Generally, I'm constantly tired and cant seem to get motivated. Living with the depression is a bit like a roller-coaster for the time being. I'll have a few days where I seem to be ok, then bang out of the blue everything turns to shite. Didn't go into work yesterday simply because I couldn't bring myself to. Tried to do a little bit of household shopping in the afternoon, went to ASDA, and not long after being there I just wanted to get out. All I wanted to do was burst into tears. I was uncontrollable in the car. Took me five minutes before I was able to start the engine and I kept filling up on the 10 minute journey back home. Then again, when I arrived home it took ages for me to stop crying enough to get out of the car. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I feel so helpless.

The tiredness, the hospitalisation, my general malaise seem to indicate a strong probability of being on meds by the end of the year, according to the doctor. But, of course, we've been on this trip before. He asked me how I felt about that. I told him, honestly. It scares the shit outta me. My exact words. Always has done. Then he mentioned Efavirenz, which because it's single dosage would probably work out best for me. But I've heard stories about that one, think we all have.

Well the chart data is uploaded and I've also uploaded a master chart showing CD4 and VL stacked against each other. Thought about doing this last time but didn't upload it. Don't know if it means anything but its there anyway.

On a more positive note, we've managed to bring my weight up to about half-a-kilo shy of what it should have been before I went into hospital in December. But at the moment that doesn't seem to please me as much as it does everyone else.

Monday Morning Manchester

2006-01-16T09:04:00.000Z

8.20am, Market Street, Manchester. You can't have helped but notice me. Apart from wearing my new white, gold and black tracksuit and the black gloves I was the only one wearing a cheesy grin. I was going to work like everyone else. But unlike everyone else, I was the one leaving for work from the nice warm bed of two sexy blokes.

Last night, again, despite me telling myself that I have to go home I ended up staying over with Liam and Adrian. I'm so glad I did, especially as it made me see just how depressed Manchester people are at that time on a Monday morning! I got some strange looks, but nothing new there.

Was in trouble with the cat, because I'd promised that we'd have a cuddle and watch some TV last night in bed with me being out for Chris's birthday do on the Saturday night. Breakfast and a big kiss and cuddle pacified her. She only worries 'cos she misses me.

Why so happy? Well, apart from the fact that I'm just so in love at the moment is that I'm back there later on. After work. We'd just cleaned up after sex and were cuddling in bed when Liam just came out with it: 'Oh, you're coming back tonight after work'. It wasn't a question, a request, or an invitation. It was almost like a demand, but meant in the best possible way. I ain't refusing an offer like that.

I feel like I belong, and I just can't explain or describe the feeling. It's just wonderful.

So I'm Not A Scarlet Harlet!

2006-01-14T17:13:00.000Z

This link dropped into my mailbox today: http://web.tickle.com/color/ It's all about finding out what your true colour is.

Now my favourite colour is green, but the colour that most symbolises me is red.
The test claimed that my colour was black.

Your color is black. The color of night. Serene and mysterious, black conjures up images of elegant evening gowns, dashing tuxedos, and gleaming limousines. Traditionally a symbol of success, black also represents power and an uncompromising demand for perfection. Not surprisingly, you tend to set challenging goals for yourself and do whatever it takes to achieve them — your strength of character is second to none. This unfaltering determination, along with your natural elegance, impresses people. But keep in mind that your personality might be intimidating to some. Try to temper your demanding side with a little softness — trust us, it won't kill you. Overall, though, black is the color of professionalism and achievement, which means it's clearly the color for you.

But curiously, if you look at my wardrobe, the vast majority of it consists of black and white items. Spooky!

My Four Memories

2006-01-13T17:37:00.000Z

I've just re-read my last post and realised that maybe I should write a little about my four memories.

The first person who fucks you
I thought I'd already written about this but can't find the entry. It was a Monday night, I remember that 'cos I was in Cruz with a load of people from work. It was back in the 'gay baby' days so I must have been about 19 or something. Anyway, some weeks previous I'd been talking to a lad who worked as an air steward. Something 'clicked' with us, probably a similarly warped sense of humour, and we exchanged addresses. Jason told me that he had penpals all around the globe and that cos he moved around so much it was easier to write than phone. So we exchanged a couple of letters (I think I still have them somewhere).

Then one Monday we managed to bump into each other again - he'd been away for a while. He asked me whether I fancied stepping outside to get some air as it was hot. We were in the middle of a conversation anyway, and I did kinda fancy him. So we went outside and took a walk up the canal tow-path towards Deansgate - not the seedy/sleazy end! We sat on a bench, still talking and laughing, then he started telling me a story about how he came very close to death in a car accident. Something about him being dragged along underneath the vehicle.

It was cold out so we were sat pretty close together, but at this point I just put my arms around him. Maybe it was a line, maybe it was the truth. Either way it worked. We started kissing, and groping, then hands went inside clothing. Where we were sat was very open so we went to find somewhere a little more secluded. He fucked me against one of the pillars that supports the Metrolink! I knew it was a one-off - he had a boyfriend I didn't at the time. But it wasn't romantic, probably more animal than anything else.

I didn't walk back to Cruz. I think I more floated. When we got back there we got separated. He had to go and find his friends and I had to locate mine. They found me, they'd got a bit worried 'cos I'd just disappeared. I was still too stuck in the afterglow to speak, so when one of them asked where I'd been I just grinned. He touched my cheek, felt the temperature of my skin and began to smile. He knew what I'd been up to and nodded approvingly.

Jason was a nice guy. We don't keep in touch anymore. I wrote something about the event in one of our letters and his boyfriend found it. To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement but I was 'warned' to keep away.

The first time you really fall in love
Think this is an obvious one: Micheal. And I don't need to write anymore about that 'cos its all in here somewhere.

The first person who breaks your heart
Hmm. This is a difficult one for me to write about. I can mention a name, but there are details surrounding this person, and a situation with him, that I have very big problems with. I was 14 when he broke it the first time, and 17 the second time. For the right reasons and the wrong reasons Simon isn't around these days.

Don't want to write anymore on that situation because it always makes me cry thinking about it, and the damage he caused still lives with me to this day.

The first person you fuck
I wasn't always a bottom boi. But that is where I started. The first person I ever fucked was Pete. We'd been seeing each other for about a fortnight and up to that point sex had always been him topping me. Then one day we were just getting started when he tells me that he'd really love me to fuck him. So I explain that I'd never done it before and didn't know what to do. He gets on all fours and gives me instructions and I start banging away.

In the early days it was still him who fucked me more times than not. But then something shifted and I was doing all of the topping. If ever he wanted to fuck me it was always 'Nah, don't think so. Spread 'em baby!' Maybe I got bored, I don't know, but I did after a while let him get back inside me.

The sex dried up as the relationship started to go foul but I do remember one of the last times when we had sex and I fucked him. He'd been moaning and moaning about it for weeks. So we start off in the bed but I'm bored and want to try something different. I order him to get out of bed and lean against the footboard. As I get out I grab a bottle of poppers. I take a hit and pass them to him. He's still snorting as I penetrate him. Two thrusts and I hear this scream from infront of me. He'd just had the biggest ever orgasm of his life (and I believe its still the case!!). I carry on pounding until he asks me to stop - cactus time. Think I had to finish myself off that time, but that was never unusual! Meaow!!!

Christina Comes Of Age

2006-01-13T10:20:00.000Z

Now this is part of a very complex story line. And true to me it's gonna hit here in dribs and drabs. It's your job to piece it together so that it makes complete sense. Here we go...

Not long before Christmas Mart, Chris and myself went out. We'd popped a couple of drops of happiness and were sat in Cruz just chillin out. Chris knows how tactile I can get, he's sure seen the effects of drugs on me with Mart enough times. Well Mart and I were just chattin shite but he must have said something to make me lean forward and kiss him (like I need an excuse to kiss my baby!?!). As I sat back there was an expression on Chris's face. I smiled (probably an evil-ish smile) and said 'Aww babe, you feelin left out?' and without waiting for an answer I dived in to kiss him. Only a brief kiss, but the kind that shows you mean it. You know what I mean.

Anyway. Mart turns back to see us separating. 'You just kissed Chris?' he questioned me. I nodded. Then Mart stands up, walks round over to Chris and then proceeds to snog the face off him. Tongues and all! 'You're fuckin' gay!!' Mart screams at Chris over the music. Not a word came from Chris, but the grin on his face gave the answer away: I am, but I can't say the word just yet. We group hugged.

'He's a good kisser.' Mart whispered not long after. 'So are you!' replied Chris.

So last night we're out and Chris is talking about coming out to his parents. Seems they've been wonderful. And I'm really pleased that they want to support him in this. But they've asked him the question that we all dread parents asking: have you done it yet?

He hasn't. But I have noticed him looking around and eyeing up the talent. He doesn't know what he wants just yet, I think. We've all been there. So I told him that his first time doesn't need to be special, it just needs to be with the right person. He looked at me quizzically. So I continued by telling him that there were three things that you will always remember:

The first person who fucks you
The first time you really fall in love
The first person who breaks your heart

I had to point out to him that these were the things that I remembered but that he might have a fourth:

The first person you fuck

But the whole situation with Chris is wierd. I know that I've flirted with him in the past and some of the things I've said have even shocked me. But now that I know he's on 'our side', even though I do care for him, my flirting has calmed right down. Though having The Boys on my mind constantly may also be a factor. I was telling Chris about my intention to try cooking, and we started flirting by text message. He was leading it and I was shocked. He made some comment about prime beef, so I reminded him that 'thin I may be, but scrag-end I ain't'. It did get worse from there...

But back to last night. Mart was already steaming when we all met up. We're sat in one pub and Mart is on brandy. He decides he needs to sober up a bit and tries to get Chris to have some of his brandy. Chris refuses. 'Look, I'll give you 50 princess points if you have some.' I spit my beer and start laughing.

We're not too sure whether Chris fancies Mart. If he does, we think its more admiration than lust. Mart disagrees, but personally I think I kinda scare Chris. Yea, I can come on a bit strong at times, there's the metal work on my nob, the whole HIV thing and a few interesting features of my sexual antics to take into consideration. More than a mouthful for many seasoned homosexualists. And that's all before you get into the 'I boned you so I must love you' debate.

Mart was trying to get him to go to McDonalds last night. Only so we could get him his first bedpost notch (not saying who with) but rumour is that its been burned out. Damn! Though not damn actually. Why do I need fast food shite when I got two gorgeous hunks of prime steak at home?

It's Chris's birthday on Monday so we're going out on Saturday to celebrate. Mart's original plan was to go for 'Sunday Lunch' afterwards - to the place with the golden hoops not the golden arches. But that seems a bit kyboshed now.

Chris wants me to help him set up a profile on Gaydar. So that'll be three profiles that I've done that will be better than mine. Grr! He's also asked Mart if he thought I'd mind shaving his back. Though that came from Mart, so it could be a joke. Mart knows that I don't do hairy backs. But I do find shaving them a very very horny experience - and I've been told that having it done (by me) was a huge turn on.

Say no more. If it happens it happens. But I'm gonna feel soooo guilty!

Cooking and Kitchens

2006-01-12T11:52:00.000Z

Don't ask me why, but of all the skills (and other things) I've picked up over the years cookery has never been one of them. It used to be a running joke with Pete: I knew where the kitchen was, I knew what came out of it, but because it didn't come with a CD ROM or have microchips installed I didn't know how to use it! Actually, Pete was very amazed after we split up that I knew how to use the washing machine, but that's a sore issue at the moment.

Mum gave me two cook books as Christmas presents. It's not such a silly present, really, and I have a vague recollection of asking for something like that. Mum knows how incapable I am at cooking. Incapable is probably too strong. My mind just isn't wired for spending lots of time in the kitchen. So to date my prowess with food has not been sparkling.

So on Tuesday night I'm hungry, Mart is home, and I'm flicking through these cookery books looking for inspiration. There's like next to nothing in the cupboard so I tell him we're going shopping 'cos I'm going to attempt some of the recipes this week. But we got pizza for that night!

Going round ASDA with Mart makes me realise just how clueless I am. I'm asking him where I'll find things! We've got a list of a variety of ingredients. Some we can't find and so replace with things that are close enough for comfort. One of the recipes was for Paella, it was supposed to contain smoked fish. 'Vagina jokes aside', I start, 'I'm not keen on fish.' So Mart reminds me that it doesn't have to have fish, I could put meat into it. But we forget to find some meat so that one will have to wait until next time.

I get home last night with the sole intention of coming out of the kitchen with something to eat. And I manage it. The recipe was for something called sausage paprikash. It was gorgeous and I'm so proud of myself for doing it. Ok, so the instructions said it should only take 30 minutes and I managed it in 45. As far as I'm concerned that aint bad. And I'm still here this morning so I haven't managed to poison myself.

And here's what it looked like:

As I was preparing it all I thought to myself that I'd put too much sausage out. But then I remembered, as in life, you can never have too much sausage!

The kitchen ended up in a bit of a mess. A first for me! But at least it will all clean up easily. I'm really proud of myself and hopefully it will spur me on to try more things. I've got another three recipes that I think I should be able to manage.

Actually, I need to get the house into shape. Liam mentioned the other day that they still haven't been to see where I live. I got a bit sheepish, and told them it was a mess. It's my home, and I love it here, but in comparison with their palace (it is a gorgeous flat)... They will come over when I'm ready. Though, strangely, my first priority is to get the kitchen sorted out. Now for the story of the washing machine.

It's old, and it's served me well but its starting to get a little self destructive. The dryer part of it packed up years ago - that was a job for Pete to get sorted and it never happened - but that never bothered me too much. But now there's only one wash program that works on it. The mounts that hold the drum are going (rapidly) so it can only spin at half power. A full spin gets it walking across the kitchen quicker than the cat. There are no controls on the front anymore (it spat them out!) apart from the timer control for the dryer and the wash program selector.

I think it's realised, though, that there's nothing else that it can spit across the kitchen floor, so it's new trick is to drop bits of itself into the wash drum. I've got a lovely pair of tight white shorts that now have some very obvious oily stripes on them. Grr. Roll on payday...

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About

2006-01-08T21:29:00.000Z

1. At lest 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don`t like you
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep
6. You mean the world to someone
7. If not for you, someone may not be living
8. You are special and unique
9. Someone that you don`t even know exists loves you
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won`t get it back, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great

from a Gaydar profile. I thought it was really sweet

Happy New Year

2006-01-07T18:45:00.000Z

He he. 1st post of the new year. Not much has happened so far. Think I managed to cram too many events in before Christmas and before the mobile phone networks collapsed at New Year to warrant anything interesting now!

And there's still so much juicy stuff to talk about from last year.

Well, started back at work on Tuesday. As per, really didn't want to go into the office. But everyone is please to see me back at work. Decided I'm not telling the whole story of my hospitalisation at work. The rumour mill there would have a field-day with me. Kinda got bollocked for my time keeping - I ain't been on time at all yet - as I should really be setting a good example to the lower ranks. I even managed to start late on Friday and I was working from home! Really need to get on top of my work targets this month. With being in hospital I'm now two months behind...

My New Year's Resolutions are becoming a work in progress. Mart and I are sharing one: look after our bodies. The other one I'm thinking of is If I want something enough, I get up and go get it.

But it's Saturday night. I've had my hair cut, done the sun bed thing again (only six minutes this time so I don't think I'll get sore) so I'm going to get some practice in for next weekend: It's Chris's birthday.

So How Did I Do...?

2005-12-31T13:23:00.000Z

Think it's time to review last years New Years Resolutions. This is going to be a bit shaming, but then who ever manages to keep all of them? So here we go...

Put on (a little) weight and build up (shape) my body

I did have a pretty good go at this and was doing really well with it. But then a bout of depression made me start losing interest in myself and the week when I couldn't eat. So even though I've got a slightly better body form than this time last year I've not managed to put any weight on. And any that I have I know I've lost - my watch is too loose to wear on my wrist.

Eat more healthily (that does include regular portions of cock!)

Everyone was going on at me earlier in the year about healthy eating. Then I reminded them that maybe I needed to get more into the habit of eating and then move on to improving what I eat. But I'm still gonna keep trying with this one. It is important.

Don't put up with shit from anyone

Getting so much better at this one. Even though most of my time I spend making other people feel better I've learned that sometimes I really need to put my own needs and feeling first. This one has forced me to look more into myself. I've learned a lot, and some very hard lessons. Independence is one thing, but when you tie yourself to others you're shacking that freedom. So fuck you, this one is for me!

Make sure I'm happy for the majority of the time

For the most part this is one that I have been able to achieve. There's lots of factors involved here, but at the moment I am the happiest I've been for a very very long time. The people who are helping me stay happy know who they are and I love them very very much.

Cut back on smoking (that doesn't include cock!)

Erm. No comment! If I'm honest I'll say that I'm smoking more now than I did last year. I know its a bad habit, and it is one that will go at some point in the future. Just not now.

Try and achieve at least one thing a day

This is one that I have been able to achieve. And consistently. I was explaining it to someone not long ago. It's about making some part of the day count for something and setting realistic goals. So during the day I'll decide on a few things that need doing, as long as one of them is done, I've achieved something

Get my house sorted out (decorating) and get my finances into shape

Oops! Was talking about this with Mum. The decorating I started last January still isnt finished. And I got a pair of curtains as a Christmas present so I really need to get on top of this one. As for my finances, well, I've not run out of money for a while but I still need to get myself organised financially. I'm not very good with bills but I am very good at spending. You can pretty much guarantee that I'll forget to pay something off each month.

Make the best I can out of every situation

I think I've achieved this one.

Go on holiday with my babies

Not happened this year. But Mart and I have had a great number of chats about this one. We know we need to get away, we know we want it warm, it's just a matter of deciding where and when. This will happen in 2006.

Give up sex (Yeah! Right!!!)

Tee hee he. Hope you recognise this one as a joke!

So my overall rating: pretty poor.

Still thinking of resolutions for 2006. Maybe I'll do better next year. I'm trying to decide if 2005 has been a good year for me or not. So much has happened and I know I can't remember all of it. Memory tends to favour the good events and there have been a great number of them. Somebody involved in music, I really cant remember who, once said that as long as the ending is good it really doesn't matter what happened before that. With that in mind, I'm seeing 2005 out on a high note. Liam and Adrian are out, I'm out with them and Mart will be there too. What more can I ask for to see 2006 in?

Y'All Ready For This?

2005-12-24T15:35:00.000Z

It's December 24. And since 10am this morning I've been giggling like a kid. I'm so excited!!

I'm meeting Liam and Adrian in a few hours and then spending all of Christmas Day with them. Don't think I've looked forward to Christmas Day like this since I was about 8.

You know I'm gonna get fed in more ways than one...

Back With The Numbers

2005-12-24T14:05:00.000Z

New blood work numbers:
CD4: 393
VL: 25120

Get Back On That Horse!!

2005-12-23T20:41:00.000Z

Been a while since I wrote anything and a lot of things have happened. So Where do I start?

May as well begin where I left off, or thereabouts. Well, there was a flu-type thing doing the rounds. I kinda felt myself coming down with it. Usual viral symptoms (for me at any rate): headache, dizzy (very dizzy and off balance at times), variable temperature, muscle aches, pain in my spine and upper arms and a complete inability to settle. Managed to get through the Monday and Tuesday after D-Day weekend, just. Then on the Wednesday I had a meeting at work. I really didn't want to go to it and in hindsight I really shouldn't have done. I collapsed at work. Twice!! Ambulance was called, as is our procedures. They checked me over and decided that I was ok, but should go home and rest up. So I got driven home and told to stay in.

I'd been in contact with the clinic that morning anyway. I'd noticed a lump at the side of my anus which was painful and causing problems with me going to the loo. The earliest appointment was for Thursday afternoon, I took it. It was cleared that because I was feeling lousy that I could work from home the Thursday morning and then do clinic on the afternoon.

Had a full check over at the clinic, cos I wasn't sure if it could even be piles. Adrian is rather generously blessed after all and it had been a while since I'd been regularly mounting something of those particular dimensions. The usual STI culprits were ruled out. But. It was questionable whether I'd contracted HSV or Syphillis. Fuckin wonderful!! Just my fuckin luck, I thought to myself, finally in a relationship where I'm happy, contented and so much in love and I'm gonna have to do the 'sorry guys, just given you pair a dose of something very nasty'. Strangely, 'sorry' just doesn't seem to be the right word for that one. I got told that we'd know more after they got the pathology back in a week. They gave me Aciclovir (for the HSV) anyway, in tablet form.

I also thought that my oral thrush was about to make a comeback so I asked for some Fluconozole as I know that that works for me. But they didn't want to give me that. I missed the reason, but because I'd been on a number of courses of it over the last two years I was aware of the resistance thing and decided that they knew best. Instead they wanted to try me on something else. A syrupy mouthwash called Nystatin. Actually doesn't taste as bad as somethings I've had in me gob but that's another story.

So I leaves clinic, pills and bottle in hand. Feeling lousy, but with that 'you wouldn't believe me even if you saw me' air in my head. Drives over to Asda to get something for tea as Mart is coming over. Really didn't have the right head for shopping and so consequently spent a fortune on fuck all! It was World Aids Day too, and I'd thought about going to the vigil in town but realistically knew that it was a non starter. Stood in the cold and the damp was only going to make matters worse.

Finally gets back home, puts the shopping away while trying to deal with work email. Something urgent comes in during the afternoon: account traces that normally only take me a minute - and if on a roll I can do 10 in five minutes - seemed to take forever. Pete rings me, and tells me that he's been chatting with Adrian. Hmm. The thoughts you have about what is said when an ex meets a current and you're not around... I'd sent them a message to say sorry for not seeing them on the Wednesday as I'd been sent home from work. Pete told them about me collapsing. Later on in the evening I get a frantic voice mail from Liam hoping that I'm ok and asking me to call.

Pete approves. Which is good, but wouldn't change anything anyway. But asks me what I'm doing later. So I tell him that I was thinking of going to the vigil, but wasn't sure whether I would cos I was feeling rough. We leave it so that if I do go out, let him know and he might play out too.

As the Thursday evening progresses I start feeling worse and worse. Mart arrives and I tell him the situation with me. I'd sent him a text when I'd got back on the Wednesday about me collapsing but knew he was at work until sometime on Thursday. Mart can see I'm distraught by it all, but as usual I'm trying to make good a bad situation. Just not doing a good job by anyone's yardstick.

Mart had brought some wine with him, so we cracked that open and I rolled a joint. We talked, joked and had a giggle. He also told me that he'd told Jay not to come cos he'd been doing his head in. That was a good idea, I told him, cos I wasn't up to him being around - he can be hard work at times. Anyway, it'd been a long time since just me and Mart had been together.

The weed started to make us feel peckish so I went into the kitchen to get some crisps for us to eat. I'd noticed that the wine was making my chest burn quite painfully, but I thought it was just because I needed to eat. I struggled through a packet. Really struggled. The pain was getting worse. My usual position of sitting on the floor was uncomfortable. The pain made my back ache.

Mart reminded me that I was to ring Liam and Adrian. I rang but they weren't there so I left a message explaining that I hadn't told them about me collapsing cos I didn't want to worry them, but that I'd be alright in a day or so, was really missing them and I'd see them soon.

I did another joint, hoping that would take the pain away. It didn't. Another packet of crisps and I had to lie on the floor on my back with my legs in the air. It was about the only comfortable position I could find. With the lumps on my arse even moving was painful. Mart commented about doing something that night. The stoned part of my brain told him that all I was capable of that night was a blow job and I couldn't even promise that! After all, pain and sex don't go together with me. Mart started howling with laughter. He wasn't meaning that. He actually fancied going out but realised I was in no shape for it.

I tried drinking milk, thinking it might help. Heh heh! It made it worse. The thought of me cooking, something I'd promised Mart earlier, was right out the window and I couldn't even take fluids. I've never ever been in so much physical pain.

Mart floated the idea of him becoming single again. He told me that the situation with Jay was getting very bad. So we decided to try and set up a Gaydar profile for him. I took some pictures, which are not bad even if I say so myself (though if you see them notice that they are all taken from a low angle) but we couldn't get Gaydar to send the account password email. The solution we chose was to change my profile for one night to become Mart's.

A lot of people were very interested. Well, my baby does take after her mother!! And there's someone who is now very keen to take both of us on. He's had us individually, now he wants us together. And we ain't saying that it aint gonna happen. The opposite, in fact, but there's more to that particular line of conversation...

An online conversation between Mart and Kyle gets Mart really bored with Gaydar. Kyle, by the way, has lost the plot completely. Mart's horny. Stoned, tipsy and horny, but realises that I'm out of action. He suggests us going to MacDonalds. I decline. 'What?' screams Mart at the top of his voice. I don't think he can believe his ears. You know me, when do you usually need to ask twice about my presence there? So Mart tossed and turned the idea about going by himself. The thought of cock won, and so about 1am we put me to bed and he got a taxi.

He arrived back between 8.30 and 9 the following morning. I could tell he'd had a good time. He'd dropped a couple of pills in there (courtesy of some random pick-up) and was still bouncing when he came home. I was glad he was back and ok. He told me what he'd got up to. Pretty tame by my standards but I was still proud of him for doing it all!

Mart had things to do that day so went off and told me to call him later. Friday was supposed to be my day off. I didn't do very much. I couldn't eat and still couldn't drink. Sent Mum a text message about my collapsing and that I was still bad and she said she'd come round to see me on the Saturday. As Friday rolled on the pain was becoming unbearable. All I could do was cry. I just wanted to die, but knew I had to get that thought out of my head as quickly as possible. A couple of spliffs made me sleep through most of Friday so at least I wasn't aware of the constant pain.

Later on that night I was logged into Gaydar. Chatted to Kyle, or tried to, told him about how I was feeling but after six pills he didn't give a shit about anything other than where the next cock was coming from! Spoke to my old Master down in London and was pleased when he said he was coming up and would I like to meet. Pain and disorientation meant that I was having problems trying to balance conversations I wanted (with my Master) with a potential slanging match (Kyle). At one point the conversation with Kyle went like this:

Kyle: oo I'm on my sixth pill
Me: lucky you
Me: I haven't had a shit since Tuesday
Kyle: I'm twatted
Me: hmm. so when you coming back
Kyle: don't kick off at me
Me: hon with the pain I'm in at the moment even if i could be arsed i wouldn't waste the energy

Then in one of the conversation breaks I just logged off. I was crying in pain again, tired, ratty and wanted to go to bed.

I got into bed and put a DVD on. Tried munching on a Jaffa Cake. But even after a joint the extreme pain knocked me out. I knew this was bad.

Mum came over around midday on the Saturday. I was crying with the pain while i went to open the door to her. I was still in just my dressing gown. We sat down and Mum put her arms round me. She asked me what was up. So I told her about the pain and what the clinic had said. 'Mum, I'm so scared.' And then I just couldn't stop crying. 'I am too!' she replied and we both held each other in floods of tears. I explained about the eating and drinking. She'd brought some soup over and went into the kitchen to warm some of it up.

She gave me not even a teaspoon full. The pain as it went down was more than I could bear. I didn't even clear the spoon. Mum rang an Ambulance. Even through my own contorted face I could see Mum white with panic and fear.

The Ambulance crew arrive and I got bundled into an Ambulance and taken to Accident and Emergency. Mum comes along seperately as she had the car. Into a side room where they decided that because I'd not eaten or drunk anything they needed to get some fluid into me. So I got hooked up to a drip. They even attached me to an ECG machine where they told me that my pulse was 'lazy'. Gee, thanks. They found me a Doctor with HIV experience (he was cute and really nice). I watched Mum as I was talking with the Doctor. I told him about the pain, he had a poke and a prod, asked if I was on any medication so we showed him the Aciclovir and Nystatin but told him I was not on anything for the HIV. He asked me what my blood counts were. The one time I really needed to know that information I didn't. I gave him some figures but I knew they were way off. I'd already informed them that my records were elsewhere in the hospital anyway. He asked me whether I'd had an AIDS Defining Condition before. I hadn't. Then he mentioned that he thought it was Oesophogeal Candidiasis. I knew that one! Something I'd read ages ago. Oral Thrush can trackback into the oesophogus. I told him that I do have a history of Oral Thrush. I also realised that if I'd got the Fluconozole earlier in the week that this could well have ended up being masked!

They gave me Morphine for the pain. That was nice. Very nice. Made my arm burn for a while - as he explained it might - but to be free of the pain was wonderful. The doctor left us and soon my vision gets a nice soft focus, I feel completely twatted and start to giggle. I try and hold a conversation with Mum. I probably rambled, and I'm pretty sure I swore and cussed a few times - something I never ever do in front of Mum - but I think she was just so happy that I was in a place where we could get this sorted.

The drip line in my arm

ECG tabs

In part of the ramble I started to tell her about Liam and Adrian. 'Oo,' I started, 'I've not told you...' And showed her the ring I've got on the chain around my neck. It's the ring Ade gave to Liam, which Liam then gave to me when we all asked each other to be boyfriends. Liam put it on my finger but with my fingers being very slim I was scared of losing it. So I got a chain, a proper silver chain and not the usual cheap shit I normally get, to put it on. It's not been away from me since. 'I noticed. I wondered about that.' she replied. So then I tell her that I don't have one boyfriend, I have two. She tries to hide a gulp but even twatted on Morphine I spot it. 'And they know about each other?' She queries. 'Oh yea. They've been with each other a few years and want me to be a part of their lives and everything. They're really really lovely.' I lift the ring and kiss it. I giggle at what I've just done. It's partly the Morphine and partly cos Mum will be wondering just what kind of slut she gave birth to!

'Where do they live?' She's thinking about last Christmas and an out of town boyfriend. So I tell her. She's relieved to know that they are local boys. Then I start about just how local Liam is. I'm still clutching the ring as I talk about them. I was wishing they were there, but I didn't want them to see me in that state. And I feel awful knowing that if my reason for being there is HIV related that I don't want them to find out about my status in that way. I wanted them so much.
As time goes by we are informed that they are going to admit me. Thank God for the Morphine, in a sober state that would have freaked me out. I've never had to stay in hospital but I knew I didn't have much option. And being tied to a bag of saline meant that I wasn't going anywhere in the near future.

There's a shift change on the ward and the nurse who comes to see me later to take my temperature spots the tongue ring and asks me where I got it. I didn't notice at first but he had one as well and we got it from the same place. The lovely Carl even did his too. Mum now knows about my nipple piercing and the PA (she saw the nip but no-one saw the PA). I mention that I think he's a sweetie, the Nurse grins and states that he can't comment on that. After he leaves I mention to Mum that he was nice, meaning the Nurse. 'Just you behave, you!' she chides.

All in all I was in hospital from the Saturday to the following Wednesday. It took until Tuesday evening before I was able to eat anything. I'd managed water with difficulty by mid-Monday. I do verbal with one Doctor saying that if they can't tell me what's wrong with me that that isn't satisfactory. But because I've got a normal Doctor and my own HIV Consultant dealing with me it becomes clear to everyone involved that no-one really knows what's going on. Too many cooks and all that. The regular Doc decides to stand-down. Makes sense really, I didn't know him and there was already a relationship with my Consultant. A trust. That was important. I had to appologise to nursing staff a few times. I do get cranky when I'm tired, frustrated and cranky when I can't sleep. Throw pain in as well and my usual sweet temperament becomes worse than psycho-bitch from hell. Though apparently I didn't need to appologise, they thought I was very very well behaved considering!

Remains of my first meal (dont remember what it was - hospital food is unremarkable)!

It was later in the day after the stand-off with the regular doctor that they went through the options of what was possibly wrong with me. Though no-one was prepared to go out on a limb and settle on one.

Stomach Ulcers: Would have explained the pain. They used Gaviscon from time to time to control the pain, but the relief was only short lived ( < 30 mins)

Oesophogeal Candidiasis: As previously mentioned, possible due to Oral Thrush precondition. They started me on Difflucan (Fluconozole) intravenously, and with Morphine in my system at the same time I could tell that something was happening.

CMV: One of the CMV's (forget which one), but that was ruled out pretty early with my CD4 count being fairly decent.

Considering I was discharged with Fluconozole I've got my own thoughts about which of the three my money would be on if I were a betting man. Both of the last two are AIDS Defining Conditions. I think I've been a very lucky boy.

Got my 'all clear' on Tuesday and am pleased to report that I don't have Syphillis. That was such a relief. Went and met Ade who was so pleased to see me. We had a good night together - Liam was about, somewhere! Clinic is worried about my weight and I mentioned this to Adrian. He asked me directly whether I was HIV+. I bit the bullet, and said yes. He put his arms around me, gave me a kiss, and went 'it doesn't matter, you're still a great guy, and we still think you're lovely'. Seems they'd wondered it themselves. That was such a relief and I told him that. The shit-eating grin on my face told how happy that one moment had made me. I couldn't stop hugging him. Adrian and I got very very pissed that night. I had to go home and so did he, but my heart went where it belonged: to my other home, with him.

Lucky Lucky Bunny

2005-11-28T01:50:00.000Z

Well that's the weekend over. And just like last year, I spent most of D-Day itself in bed. The three of us had a brilliant night on Saturday night, though we did cry off a little early to go home for sex!!

I'd got the invitation to stay with them another night. Just for cuddles and to sleep. But I knew that tonight I was probably gonna be restless and didn't want to disturb Liam, he'd not slept since Thursday so spent all of Sunday, like myself, in bed.

I've had a wonderful time with them, and I love spending time with them. There's nothing better at the moment than being naked in bed, with two hot guys, with the three of us just holding each other and cuddling. I might not have felt the need for a boyfriend in so long, but I realise now the one thing I did need.

I'm such a lucky boy. But then I should be. I'm one of Adrians' Boys now.

Waiting For Tonight

2005-11-25T17:21:00.000Z

Got me a new outfit sorted: Trakies, t-shirt and new cap. I'm gonna look so hot in it even though its all blue - which is not my usual colour. And my nice new collar? Well that can wait for another outing.

Been down most of the day. A little retail therapy helped, but only a little. I saw the top that I got for Kyle some weeks back and about the same moment a bootleg of Lisa Stansfield's 'People Hold On' came on over the sound system. Kyle knows I've always liked Lisa Stansfield so when he got hold of that bootleg I was one of the first people he played it to. I love it. Walking around the store singing along to it I wondered what he was up to, and whether 'it' had happened. Cos I wont find out until Monday.

Tonight I need to dance me tits off. Forget the real world for a while. And see how the night pans out. Aint got a clue where I'm gonna end up but I was ordered by Mart to call him and if necessary go to him if I was feeling bad, lonely or isolated. Tonight is my night. It's for me to enjoy.

For the first time ever it feels strange to be going out alone. Its never phased me in the past and it doesn't now. Probably just my preoccupation with other things.

And then tomorrow night I do it all over again. But this time with Adrian and Liam. Whether I'll see them tonight or not I don't know. Liam and I sorted out the basic game plan for Saturday out the other night. If tonight is a disaster at least I know that Saturday is gonna be fantastic. And there was me telling someone last night that there's more to me than the pill popping, spliff smoking, piss head, cock jockey party animal I like to make myself out to be...

Baked for 10 mins under UV light, clothes sorted. Just need to eat, get dressed and get my ass on that dance floor.

Bring it on!!!

Precious Words

2005-11-25T14:51:00.000Z

Another strange awakening
Another memory on its way
Another night in an empty room
Another throw away day

How long
Must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have left to prove
That I've nothing more left to lose

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me

Loneliness says much more
Than a thousand words ever said
Conversations pass me by
I'm left with silence instead

How long must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have to cling to
A constant reminder of you

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me

You left my world empty
Now there's nothing to say

Precious words
Wont bring you back to me...

How long
Must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have left to prove
That I've nothing more left to lose

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me
You left my world empty
Now there's nothing to say
Precious words
Wont bring you back to me

[Precious Words : Swing Out Sister : Kaleidoscope World ]

Boys Will Be Boys

2005-11-25T10:57:00.000Z

I feel really bad. And Im not entirely sure why. I know I can't get Kyle and what he's doing out of my mind. It's my maternal instinct on overload: I don't want him to go through this cos I know its bad, but I'm frustrated cos I know that I can't stop him.

I ended up sending him a message last night. Told him that even though I put the phone down on him the message was not an apology. I was trying to tell him all that I felt at the time, that for this point in time it was the biggest insult he could ever give me.

Speaking with someone else last night about it online I explained that I was angry and why. He too can't understand how someone can deliberately get infected, and was stunned to know that there are people out there who are only too willing to openly infect someone. He asked whether I'd gone round to see him. And I know I wanted to, but know that I'd probably have killed him myself if I had.

Some hours later a few more messages passed between us. I made it clear that Id spoken with Mart about this and that we both knew that we'd have to turn our backs on him over this. Im in a position I don't want to be in. I told him not to come looking for sympathy when he can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, when his own body repulses him, and when the pain inside gets too much. Cos it will happen, its only a matter of time.

Then came the message where I knew that there was no point in me fighting this. This changes so much between us. He's always been a loose cannon but this is one step too far. Even for him. Every fibre of my body tells me this is wrong. Someone told Mart last weekend that Kyle was headed for something terminally destructive by his own hands. This is it.

"welcome to the dark side" went one line of his message. Yes, this is the dark side, but he has absolutely no concept of just how dark it is here. I told him I'd see him when he arrived. Cos even though I don't wanna see him go through this you know I can't just leave him on his own.

Boys will be boys, they say. One thing that binds me Mart and Kyle together is that when we get an idea in our heads we stick to it. He said he needs me and Mart, we're all he has. I tried to stop him but without success. I can turn around but I can't stay away.

He'd reminded me on the phone that it was about this time last year when this came up last. I checked. He's a couple of weeks early but never mind. The kids know about my diary, I've never made a secret out of keeping it. I've told them about things I've written but they've never read it. I always believed that that was for later, maybe in Kyle's case there are parts of it he needs to know about sooner. There have been events where at least one of them has gone '...Now that's something for the diary!'

In hindsight I should have seen this coming. Kyle is complex, but there have been patterns. Talk about 'barebacking' which, understandably at the time, I laid in to him about. Conversations I didn't connect until now.

Reading back on last year reminded me how I felt about his result last time. I was so pleased that it was -ve but part of me, selfishly, had wanted someone else close to me to share all of this world. Mart and Kyle to me are the brothers I never got and the children I'll never have. If he does come back poz after all this, and there are no guarantees, he's still got to wait to be tested. A bizarre kinda Christmas present? But if the desire to become poz is eating away at him like this now, the wait for proof of infection is going to chew him up completely. In his own head, though, he's not gonna need that proof.

HIV is for life, not just for Christmas.

Annoyed

2005-11-24T20:11:00.000Z

Well D-Day 2 is gonna be memorable. Sadly for all the wrong reasons.

I've just spent an hour on the phone to a very pissed up Kyle. He's not been in work this week: pissed. Originally, he cried off the weekend because he was going away to 'dry out'. Later, though not that much later, he admitted to lying to me. He's not drying out at all, it's his intention to spend the weekend getting 'pozzed up'. It's all arranged. He gets the train tomorrow to see someone willing to do this for him, oh, and there's a mate who's also gonna have a ride 'just to make sure'.

I was in tears, shouting at him, trying to get him to change his mind about this. I can't believe after everything that's happened that he's willing to go through with this. He's got this view in his head that life will be so much better for him, that becoming positive will make people love him and want him.

Why do people who are -ve seem to think that our life is so much better? I just don't get it. I'll admit that I owe a lot of who and what I am now to being +ve but that doesn't change the fact that there are so many time when I wish I wasn't. In bed a few nights back I was asking myself that if I knew what I know now ten years ago would I have changed anything. My answer to myself was that there would be very little I'd have changed. And it amounted more to things I wish I had done sooner, and people I wish I'd met or avoided.

I'm shaking in anger I'm so upset by what he said. I told him that if he's prepared to go through all that that it shows just what kind of a friend he's been to me over the past two years. If nothing else, it shows just how little attention he's paid. To me its an insult. I know he's a mixed up kid but I just can't get my head around it. I'm actually disgusted by it. I know deep down when reality finally dawns that he's gonna regret this big time, whenever that is.

Part of me wants to drive over there now, beat him up, and I mean really cause some damage. And to fuck him. I'm so annoyed that I know if pushed I probably could kill him. That's scary. And it upsets me more that I can have thoughts like that and know that I could go through with it. But I made a promise to myself, that my disease dies with me. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd infected someone. I think of it as my revenge on the thing that invaded me.

If I am seen to be living a good life then its for no other reason than I make sure its a good life. It doesn't come naturally. It's fucking hard work sometimes. I try and have fun, try and have a laugh, though sometimes I dont have the will power to do it. But I do know that I can fool myself into believing that things are better than they are. Escapism. And sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, there's always a price to pay, at some point in time.

So then I ring Mart. He thinks Kyle is attention seeking and he may have a point. Let's face it, both of them know me well enough to be able to find something that will hurt me deeply. I tell Mart as much as I can through my upset and anger. And something has been nagging in my mind for the past few days that Mart wasn't gonna be around either. I was right. He's on call with work, and with the way we party there's no way he can do both. He was appologetic about it, and I know genuinly sorry for not being there. We will do something over the next week, and it was Mart who was insistant about that, but it wont be the same. It hurts that the two people I care most about in my life wont be around.

Even though I've seen Ben, James and Daddy numerous times over the last fortnight I hadn't told them about D-Day. Despite Daddy knowing that it was coming up. Just something he said that I glossed over the other weekend. Thing is I was planning on going to Barracks and didn't really think it was their kinda scene.

And Pete, who I invited so that once and for all I could get him and Mart together in a room and get their differences dealt with has cried off. Bad news in his fella's family and financial problems. I wasn't too worried about all that. He wasn't involved last year and accepted my reasons for that, though he was more annoyed at Micheal for not being around than I was.

The pills for tomorrow night are sat in front of me. Winking. Saying 'take me, take me'. I feel a bit like Alice in fucking Wonderland!! They just look too tempting.

These are the constants about this weekend:

I will be about tomorrow night, wherever I end up
I will be seeing Liam and Adrian, for a short while at least
I'm going to Essentials on Saturday
Escapism necessitates that I will be completely off my box for most of the weekend
There'll be more tears before bedtime on Sunday

Am I doing something wrong or is it right that this game just don't get easier with practice?

'Nuff Said?

2005-11-24T00:48:00.000Z

Been away for a while and all I do is a short entry? Ha ha. Yea stingy with info as well as blood! eh?

Ok. It comes in one line. Y'all ready for this?

Two plus one is three: Three is family

'Nuff Said?

Sex and Storage Boxes

2005-11-15T21:51:00.000Z

Or, another set of random updates.

Cam
Arrived home yesterday evening to a message from Cam. Well three actually:
'Hi, u busy?'
'U there?'
'Wot u up 2 2nyte?'

I responded to the latter one, it was only sent about 20 minutes before I got in. Asking whether it was a veilled attempt to try and tell me he was horny. I kind of gathered that he was. But explained to him that I don't do subtle. That if he wants to fuck to come straight out with it.

I succumbed to a face-to-face meeting with him. Tomorrow night. If he's a good boy he might get rumpy-pumpy. If he's a bad bad boy I'll be taking ropes so I can tie him up and leave him. Tee hee he. Only for an hour or so.

Well, he wants to learn to be a sub and I did manage to get an Aussie lad well worked up on Gaydar by being dom to his skater-boy fantasy. When I stopped laughing at some of the shit I was coming out with I actually enjoyed the experience. Thank god it was done by text, I'd have creased up with sound and video:

[him] Oh man, I wanna be you're boyfriend
[me] You wanna be one of my bitches?
You think you're good enough you piece of shit?
[him] I wanna be you're boyfriend so you can fuck me all night with your pierced cock
[me] Just shut the fuck up. I'll tell you when you speak. Dirtbag.
told you. i don't do boyfriends. i keep bitches. you wanna be my bitch you gotta work for it
[him] you're making me so horny
[me] shut your fuckin trap or do i have to shut it for you?
[him] yea, let me suck your cock. i wanna feel you're metal in me.
[me] ha! you want me to fuck you? you want my metal?
[him] yea
[me] well fuck you cunt. you get it when i tell you.
now get your shit-eating mouth suckin my balls. Now!!
[him] o yea!

That went on for about 30 minutes. And I was having a more civilised conversation with someone else at the same time. Not told Cam about that, and don't think I will. I had a giggle but it's not really me. I'm much better as the sub. But the best was before all that.

[him] hey guy. what you wearing
[me] cap, trakies and TN's and thats it
[him] wow
[him] that's so hot man
[me] wot bout you?
he tells me what he's wearing, basically t-shirt and baggy boxers
[me] lol. lots of room for things to grow then?
[him] ha ha yea.
[him] what's TNS?

After I'd picked myself up off the floor from laughing I did tell him they were a brand of trainer by Nike. My reason for laughing: consider if the conversation had gone like this:

[him] hey guy. what you wearing
[me] a bodybag and thats it
[him] wow
[him] that's so hot man

An Invitation
Got a message today from Liam. They've invited me over for tea sometime next week. I'm trying to contain my excitement about meeting them but I really wanna do it. Seems Ade hasn't stopped talking about me. And if they ever get to speak to Mart he'll say the same thing about me! I want to arrange some days off from work for D-Day (and of course World Aids Day is coming upon us) so might try and slot another one in for them. I like them as people and the sex is amazing but even if it is just a civillised chat and eat thing I'll be so more than happy. Whatever happens in the long run with the three of us I want it to work and for us all to be happy. I've not felt this way about virtual strangers in a long long time.

D-Day Preparations
Ordered the collar last night. If I wear it, I wear it. If I don't then it's a toy for another time. Should arrive later this week. Everything has gone quiet over the Faithless thing so I don't think that's happening. But I floated the idea of Club Barracks with Kyle last night. It's a go-er from my end and basically it's my day, so what I say goes!

Aint got a clue what I'll be wearing (collar or no collar). By the end of the evening probably very little. Someone might even be wearing me. You never know. Or is that just wishful (hopeful) thinking?

Storage Boxes
Now boyf accused me of having a Tupperware fetish sometime last year when I kept buying plastic storage boxes from ASDA. Those along with some of the more re-useable ones I'd kept when Pete and I got Chinese or Indian takeaways meant I'd got a smallish but adequate collection.

However, storage space is one thing lacking where I live. There are sex toys all over the house. There have been times when Mart or Jay have come round and 'something' has been left in the bathroom. First time Mart saw Richard in-the-silicone he came down wide-eyed and stunned. I'd sent him a picture of it at work cos someone there wanted to know what a butt plug was, and he knew I'd be able to answer that one. Just didn't expect me to do it in that way. He wasn't expecting the picture of Richard. But the real-life experience was slightly disconcerting. And I should point out that he was wide-eyed with the visual shock not because he'd tried it.

But having them all over causes two problems: dust, and 'where-the-fuck-did-I-put-it?'. The idea was to put everything like that in one box: toys, leather stuff, rope, all in one place. I've had to get another large box. Didn't think I had that much stuff! So now I got a toy box and a play box under my bed.

There's a box for me nob jewellery - all neatly bagged and labelled. Mart howled when he saw that.
There's another box for medicines - which ideally needs replacing with two bigger ones, but smaller than the toy box, one for general first aid type shit and one for more specialised stuff.
I got a box for sweets - though I'm off them at the moment, even chocolate (but I'm not concerned, strangely)
I even ended up getting one to put weed and cigarette papers in.
There might ultimately be one bought and put aside for when boi buys 'naughty toffee's'. Though that one will have to be hidden when the kids come round!

National Erotica Day

2005-11-15T20:53:00.000Z

Did you know that today is/was National Erotica Day?

I didn't! Only heard about it this afternoon on the radio. And I was working hard with my Manager so there was no way I could look up anything about it. Grrr.

It has a website for a convention-like 'show'. They were running a survey but I've obviously missed that one. The results of the survey will be published in The News of the World the site says.

Apparently, there have been 13 'Erotica Shows' like the one running from 17-20th November since 1997: 9 in London, 1 in New York and 3 in Manchester. The idea appeals to me but don't ask why.

So tonight, me and the cat will be cuddled up together with a spliff, box of tissues and a copy of Cazzo's Sex Pigs. She likes the vacuum tube thingy bit near the end (which is nice, but looks painful to me) and a scene with an incredibly large black dildo, but I like the interesting use of a Fork Lift Truck as a sex toy in the opening scenes - you gotta see it to understand it - and there's a very very cute lad in red motorcycle leathers.

The fact that he's got a good looking pierced dick and a body that I wouldn't mind exploring myself has no bearing on my fondness for this film. She's not telling me why she likes it. Maybe she gets the German dialogue?

Hope. Hysteria. Heresy?

2005-11-15T18:28:00.000Z

The case of Andrew Stimpson and his 'miraculous' recovery from HIV raises many questions. It was early Sunday morning when the news was broken to me. I, with a couple of others, one also poz, listened. Hoping that maybe this was the breakthrough that all affected with and by this condition have been waiting for. Maybe, just maybe, we will see the demise of this spectre in our own lifetime. Though something inside of me, not sure what just yet, doesn't want to run and jump naked around the room quite yet. There's too much hype and not enough fact and I think that's clouding the situation for me. My mind is telling me to reserve judgement until the facts are in.

If the case is real - I've come across nothing yet to convince me either way - then surely we should all breath a sigh of relief? Stimpson believes its down to self-medication with vitamin supplements. Ok, hands up those who've tried to boost their immune system with supplements. My ex-sister in law kept going on about me trying Ecanicia because it had done wonders for her. She stopped raving about it when after I'd done a little research and found a number of sources that told me to steer well clear of the stuff! I've tried taking Selenium, Zinc and Vitamin E (the kind you can buy from the chemist!!) though I'm not too sure what effect it had. But that was in support of a recommendation that I take 5-HTP (Tryptophan) when I was having exceptionally bad bouts of insomnia. The Trypto did sort of help with sleeping, and helped somewhat with the associated depression. There's no indication that anything actually happened and any benefit I percieved could well have been psychosomatic. Though I did get amazingly off my box after purposefully OD'ing on it, but we can blame Arsehole for that incident.

Something that strikes me hard with all this is that everyone of us infected with HIV is different. Even if we all started out with an identical virus due to our different biochemistries and the eratic way that HIV duplicates itself it's not long before the virus itself becomes quite different. And that's before you begin to think of environmental factors such as general health... So even if inside this one man's immune system lies the key to a cure, is it a cure that will work for all? I think not. After all, those who control the virus with medication know that the combinations need careful monitoring, adjustment, and sometimes switching drugs in and out just to make them work for the host body.

There's also research that suggests that the HIV virus itself is weaker now than it was originally. Has this been factored in? But here's something I don't get: if the virus trully is weaker why are we [as a community] needing more and stronger drugs to control it? I understand that the virus has changed during its time with us on this planet, and I conceed that we have better medical technology and resulting knowledge than we did in the 1980's. I also understand that the whole idea of the drug therapies is to reduce the amount of HIV in the body, specifically the blood stream, in the hope that the immune system can repair itself. We have this wonderful benchmark: 'undetectable'. Basically meaning that although they can't see it in your blood they know it's hiding somewhere inside there! In real terms maybe this concept is flawed. There's so much we know about the workings of the human body but there is more that we don't know. The same can be said of HIV. I've never heard of a body restoring to pristine condition after the drugs doing their job, that's not to say that it hasn't happened. Remember I'm still a fairly fresh pup on the block. Even I know that my experiences may be similar to other people, but not always identical.

I've just read the following from the above linked BBC article:

"Obviously this virus is still causing death, although it may be causing death at a slower rate of progression now. Maybe in another 50 to 60 years we might see this virus not causing death."

Keith Alcorn, senior editor at the HIV information charity NAM, said it had been thought that HIV would increase in virulence as it passed through more and more human hosts.

But the latest study suggested the opposite is actually true.

"What appears to be happening is that by the time HIV passes from one person to another, it has already toned down some of its most pathogenic effects in response to its host's immune system," he said.

"So the virus that is passed on is less 'fit' each time.

"This would suggest that over several generations, HIV could become less harmful to its human hosts.

I'm reminded of something I read when I was first diagnosed and wanted to know how this thing worked. The book mentioned the Small Pox virus and how this seemed to 'burn itself out'. It was thought that Syphillis had burned itself out, and yet we're seeing it again as a rising epidemic. History repeats itself, but that doesn't mean that virology does the same. And what happens if and when this burn out becomes a reality?

Think about this: the drug manufacturers have created a whole industry of research, development and production based on the HIV market. Yes, I think I can refer to us as a 'market'. What happens to them when their 'cash cow', ok, in proportion, 'elephantine herd of cash cows' suddenly keels over? We are a captive audience for their wares when you think about it. I don't want to get into the 'AIDS Mafia' debate but the implications of that must surely have a basis on whether this 'key', if it exists, can or will be replicated. Or indeed whether they will want to support it. Businesses, despite their best good intentions, have their wheels oiled by cash not customer consideration - the bottom line is more important than the butts that sit on it. Our butts, remember that!

If this whole thing is just a charade then the puppeteers are either foolish, misguided, or downright callous. With not far off 40 million known HIV cases globally that's 40 million people who will be seriously pissed off if this is a hoax. I'm slowly talking myself into hoping that this isn't a hoax.

Paraphrasing a section of the Simon Gee thing on Channel Five last week:

The pills that I have to take everyday... The pills that are keeping me alive. I'll have to take them until the end of my life. Knowing that one day they'll stop working.

It's a sobering thought. In anyone's book. Remember the cartoon characters with the canon ball chained to their ankle? That's the way I view the point in time when I have to start medication. And I know that's not a new thought to some people. I've met people who carry that ball around. It's soul destroying to find that there's another link in the chain of things you rely on to keep you going. My chain is short and light, for the moment. But it wont always be like that.

And theres people now who will have heard the news and mis-interpretted it. I'm already fighting with Kyle over the whole barebacking thing without something like this convincing him that what I've got won't happen to him. HIV is still with us. AIDS is still a reality. The landscape aint gonna change overnight just because yet another isolated case of a 'miracle' hits the headlines. And if this is real is it gonna be this year we find that prayers have been answered? Next year? The year after that? Will the drug companies allow this to happen at the risk of trashing the happy synergy they have? Or is this a legacy left to the next generation of poz puppies?

I'm just a puppy whose been told that his bite could well be worse than his bark. What do I know?

Doubts rise over HIV 'cure' claims
Q&A: 'Cured' of HIV
Caution over HIV 'cure' claims
Aids virus 'could be weakening'

Start The Day The Shitty Way...

2005-11-11T11:59:00.000Z

Can't believe I did this...

Got up this morning and went for a dump as usual (like you really needed to know that) and thought nothing more about it.

Wandered about the house for about 10 mins making a brew, checking the computer for messages and getting meself ready - meeting in 45 minutes. Sat on the bed to put me trakies on. Get up and notice two little brown marks on the bed sheet. Eww, I think. But put it down to fingering myself before sleeping last night. Then I go to the computer and spot a similar mark on the bench I sit on...

Oh no! Guess who forgot to wipe?

But it gets worse. After putting my trakies on I was admiring my arse in the bathroom mirror and ran my fingers over the covered crack. They are the tight black ones I bought the other weekend and I do look really good in them, especially the arse! Why does this kind of thing happen when you don't have time to change?

This Is The Better Life

2005-11-11T11:47:00.000Z

OMG!!

Just called through ASDA on my way back home from a meeting. Only really called into use the cash machine cos I needed to get Gas but I ended up going in and bought a couple of non-essential items.

Wandering around - bit of a day-dreamer today - I spotted my very first girl friend. Talk about blast from the past. We were in Primary School and I loved her to bits. After we'd had the sex education videos (and she's two years younger than me I think) I fancied boning her and she quite fancied getting boned by me. Never happened though. We were too young.

But, fuck me, does she look rough! Sorry Suzanne, but you do. Screaming brat in a crib thing on top of the trolley, another screaming brat holding on to her hand and pulling her where he wanted to go - reminded me of her baby brother. The once lovely long blonde curly hair now lank, greasy and dark. Face with that 'lived in' look.

Fuck! That could've been my life. So glad I realised at 13 which direction I wanted to point in.

Old Leather & Me

2005-11-10T17:27:00.000Z

Why does 30 seem old to me at the moment? When I was 26 I wasn't worried about hitting 30. I've never been too bothered about ages, either my own or other peoples, but it's strange how overnight I've started dreading that one year after 29! And someone told me last night that I don't look 27. Did have a situation the other week where the Fishy Friend of someone I ended up going with was trying to disuade him from picking me up cos she thought I was jail bait!! Now that is stretching the wire a bit! Tho he was stunned to find me as old as 26.

Thing is, I'm not bothered about other people being over 30, it's just me that I don't want to get to 30. So when I stumbled across the profile of a 39 year old who describes himself as being into:

sleazy anonymous leather scenes
cruisin` leather fuck bars/clubs & dark back alleys
holding down a hot lad in chaps and fucking him senseless
feeding hard thick cock to hungry chem`d up bottoms at parties
long intense sessions of cock worship and deep throat

something other than my ears pricks up. But best is that he is looking for:

total bottom
20-35 yo
slut
smooth fuck hole
greedy cock sucker
exhibitionist

Sound familiar to anyone? He's got a gorgeous bod in his harness and chaps but he lives on another continent. Some people don't look good in a harness. I do. I got one cos I thought it looked horny (on someone else with a similar body shape to mine) and I was right. No pics for here as yet, been too busy playing instead of posing.

Also, got a reply from Liam after my message on Saturday. I was getting a bit concerned. It was very positive, claiming to be the best threesome they'd ever had. Certainly ranked in a new category for me and I'm still wanking off to the horny memories of it. Ball is in their court now. It's just the waiting.

Oh The Little Ones!!

2005-11-10T09:38:00.000Z

Spoke to Cam online last night. First time we've properly spoken since his apology. It was basically: come over, come over. So I pointed out that he could also come over to mine. I kept trying to tell him that it wasn't gonna happen last night. I've got the mother fucker of all days today: spending the whole day in a room of people trying to tell me how good some software is when I know already that it's a complete pile of poo!

In the end I snapped at him. Basically the result of a line about him being closer to me now and yet it seeming harder for us to arrange a meet up. Ok, he was horny, and not doing a good show of hiding it. But I got out of the habit of jumping when someone clicked their fingers when I became single. And it's not a habit I'm about to jump back on to.

Was I really that precious at his age? Was I really that demandind? Erm, I can be that demanding now so I guess the answer to that one is 'yes'!

Half of me is thinking its gonna be a complete disaster when we do finally meet up in person, the other part of me is just saying to get it on, fuck him and fuck him off.

Ouch! Shallow!!

Back To School

2005-11-09T09:11:00.000Z

Just been taking a quick look, as I do from time to time, at where I get linked from. And I've just found out that I'm listed as a 'Partner' to the Brat Boy School. On there I happened to come across an article on body hair removal - a topic that I have a lot of interest in! There's an interesting tip about using Witch Hazel after shaving. Ouch!! Sounds painful to me, but you just never know.

Oh, and the founder and President, Ethan, fuck me what a sex god! Yum!!

Meat For The Grinder?

2005-11-08T19:11:00.000Z

I've got an idea about something but I just don't know how workable it is. Also not sure where to begin explaining it all. I though I'd put something in here ages ago about things I thought I needed but I'm buggered if I can find it now. Ah, there it is.

Now maybe this is on my mind after the other night with Adrian and Liam. If it is, then maybe I need to forget about it for a while and come back on it. Either way putting it here might help me make sense of it.

Ok. In one go. I want to be a part of a three-way relationship. That wasn't too difficult?

It's not that I'm short on people who love me, or would be willing to be my boyfriend. But I don't feel like 'boyfriend material'. That makes sense: I don't feel like it so I don't want it! The whole 'boyfriend'-thing, though, comes as a package of smaller components, if you think about it. Know how you buy a compilation CD sometimes just cos you want one track off it? Well I think that's where my head is now about having/being a boyfriend. Only I'm not about spending £15 to get £1.75-worth of pleasure. To continue with the CD analogy, if you keep playing the entire thing you might eventually grow to like more of the CD. May be all of it, or maybe not. After all there is always something you don't like about someone no matter how trivial.

Kyle and I had a discussion ages ago. Well it was more me telling him off! He'd snagged a fella, a very nice one actually. Even Kyle admitted to feeling that this one was 'the one'. That he hadn't felt this way since << insert name of boyfriend/short-term shag last-but-one here >>. But Kyle had been playing away and got himself into a bit of a state about it. At the time I was probably the worst person to offer relationship advice, but I did. I came out with a huge long speech about why he should be faithful to the guy and stop playing around, but ended it with the statement '... or maybe it really does take more than one man to satisfy you?' Kyle was just starting to realise how naughty I could be but me saying that still stunned him.

I've recently learned a new term: Friends With Benefits. Kyle likes it cos it kinda fits with where he is with someone at the moment. I suppose it occasionally describes me and Mart but not quite. I find it strange how Kyle thinks me sleeping with friends is bad but maybe that's just me.

But I don't think I'd survive living on just a two-way street. Have I felt so closed in in my previous relationships that it's a place I don't wanna try again? I don't know. I'm thinking about one of the benefits that I saw in the relationship I had with Micheal: I had the freedom to do whatever I liked with whoever I chose, at the end of the day I knew who I wanted and that they also wanted me, whatever they had been up to. To my mind it's a model that should have worked, and did up until someone decided they didn't want to play anymore.

Not sure whether I'm thinking I want dual boyfriends. Seeing boyf1 on Monday, Tuesday and Friday and the rest of the time with boyf2 isn't me somehow. Think that would cause too many problems. And apart from being exhausting I don't think I need to publicly confirm my reputation for being a tart. And think about the hell it would be if the two of them couldn't get on with each other.

The following all have something in common: my Masters in London, Ben and James, Ade and Liam. They are all existing relationships that I've been invited into. And that's seemed normal to me! Ben and James you'd think are ideal candidates for this play. But my own mind doesn't think so. They've known me for a long time, and frequently intimately! I do love the pair of them, I know how Ben feels about me, and James has already told me he loves me but that in a tie between us Ben would win. Maybe its worth exploring that one in the future.

I guess this also explains part of the appeal of me being a slave boy: I'd got the love or affection, the security and the involvement of being in a relationship without the need to be committed to only one person. Do I believe that you can love more than one person? Yes I do. Would you love them equally and identically? Probably not, but as long as there is a balance and a fair balance at that then I'm thinking that's ok.

I think I'm on to something. But now is not the time to be charging headlong into something like this.

The Future

2005-11-08T00:58:00.000Z

I've written a lot tonight. And I know there's so much more I wanna say. But I just don't have the time to sit down and write it. I guess the filtered highlights will have to do us all!

Just watched a program on Channel Five - Terry Gee: My Life With HIV. A video diary of his first year from diagnosis. It moved me. Moved me a lot. I'd seen the trailer for it on Thursday or Friday but wasn't sure whether I really wanted to watch it. I'm glad I did. In fact I wish I'd seen it nearly two years ago. But cynically now I fear I would have thought of it as some kind of propaganda trying to convince me to believe that life with HIV was more than a bed of roses. I've learned so much over the last two years. So much about life, about people, about the world. So much about me. And more than I really want to know about this thing inside me.

I thought the program was well presented and was well balanced. It didn't portray gay men as being limp-wristed faires who get all flustered when theres a houseplant leaf out of place. It was two gay men, a couple, fine strong Yorkshire lads, who it seems like to throw balls up a brown alley way a few more times than your average pissed-up heterosexual! I'm not going to say they looked straight, they just looked like normal guys, and I'll admit to thinking they were cute!

It made me see that I'm not alone in some of the ways I've been feeling. There really is someone playing with the dimmer switch for the light in me. Going slowly, so slowly down. Terry noted that his HIV had changed the way he looked at things. I'd noticed that too. I think it was Michael in one of his more philosophical moments that told me that 'you eventually stop thinking about it all the time. But even though you're not thinking about it, you know its there. It colours everything in your life either directly or indirectly'. This thing inside me is the cause of me being who and how I am now, and in the future. In some ways I think I have to thank it. Whether I'm a better person now or not doesn't really matter. I maybe less of a person in someways but I know I'm so much more in others. But I know certainly as I get older I'm going to become a right cynical old cunt! Sorry Mart, I know you don't like that word.

With Kyle and Mart over the weekend I said something and the pair of them just stopped and stared open mouthed at me. 'Shit. Sorry. Maternal instinct kicked in big-time.' I go. Tears formed in Kyle's eyes. Whatever I said, and it wasn't offensive to them, was only cos I'm so protective of them both. Over-protective at times. I wonder where I'd have been without them over the past few years. I've come to rely on them more and more. Something I would never have considered doing before, placing so much trust in the hands of others.

The program got me thinking though. Time is precious. I know sometimes I do silly things. Mart's already realised that I've changed in some ways because I feel I need to do some things now that I might never get a chance to do. He says that's why he doesn't tell me off about some of my antics. I get to know when I've done wrong though. Usually when we're stoned and having a deep and meaningful. Neither of us can shout or argue in that state but something in his eyes makes me realise that boi's in the dog house.

He mentioned over the weekend that he'd like to get to know my Mum better. And I've always thought that would be a good idea. But just at this moment in time I'm questioning it. I know that at some point in my life someone is going to have to talk strongly to me. Mart is the only person I can take notice of. So it's a toss between Mart and Mum doing it. And if they gang up I'm well up shit creek. He'll piss his sides when I tell him all this. I can imagine them exchanging embarassing stories about me. Its already embarassing enough for him to know that I was first dressed in womens clothes (by my sister I hasten to add) at age five without Mum remembering that there is a picture of this in the photo album. He'll tell me they will gang up on me and that I better get this organised. Then there's the 'sexy dancing'-thing between me and Kyle. Erm, that could take some explaining.

The future isn't bright. The future isn't shitty. It isn't ahead of me. It's what I make now.

Gaydar

2005-11-07T22:48:00.000Z

I know I'm not the only person who comments on other peoples gaydar profiles. But I've just come across one (name withheld to protect the no-so-innocent) and stated three words:

Cute (main picture, looking into camera, head cocked, innocent look on face)
Cottage Queen (stood with jacket/coat held open, drink in one hand, leaning against sinks in toilet)
SLUT! (on bike, arse pointed right at camera, grinning over shoulder to camera-person - very 'Amsterdam holiday snap')

Message to self: hmm, maybe time to cash in on the gaydar pictures I took for Kyle.

The Start Of Something Beautiful...?

2005-11-07T18:57:00.000Z

I sort of got chatted up on Gaydar on Friday afternoon. Well, chatted up is a bit strong. I got messaging with a lad who has threesomes with his boyfriend. At first I wasn't gonna bite, nothing to do with the guys themselves, from the profiles I could tell they were good looking lads. Maybe it was 'cos I was going out with Mart and Kyle on Saturday. I don't know. But I got promised a 'well horny threesome'. I thought about it for a few minutes then messaged back: 'Fuck it! I'm up for some of that. Aint had a decent threesome in ages'.

The planning was a bit on the devious side. I was due to meet one of the lads, Adrian, after he finished work and we'd go for a quick drink and a chat then meet up with the other, Liam. I'd already sent a message asking whether the 'other' party (cos I thought I was speaking to Adrian) was up for it, to which the reply was a big 'hell yeah!' But I didn't realise until later that Liam had been making all the arrangements, Ade knew that someone was coming and meeting him, but that was about all he knew! I instantly recognised Ade from his profile and couldn't take my eyes off him from the moment I saw him. He was even sexier and more goodlooking in real life than his pictures showed him to be. It was probably my staring that caused him to ask me whether I was the entertainment for the night (not his words).

A little later we met Liam, who spent some time playing hide and seek - he was trying to avoid someone. Liam too was so much better looking in real life, a cheeky smile and a glint in his eyes. Eventually we got a taxi back to theres and the fun began.

Just to prove what a small world it really is it turns out that Liam is two years older than me, went to a Primary School just round the corner from mine (so technically we should be enemies!), then he lived in a tower block on the estate where I am now for a number of years before moving in with Ade.

They are cool guys, and after spending an hour just talking to them I felt completely at home in their lovely flat. I felt like I'd known them for years, they were just so easy to get along with. They even found it funny when I told them I was wracking my brain for something to say when Liam asked me to tell them 'something they didn't know about' me. You know, I've been with them for less than two hours, so they know cock-all about me and yet I was still searching for something to tell them. I did think of something, but I can't remember what it was now.

Liam explained that he was a voyeur, and really got off on watching other people. That was cool with me, and I could tell by the bulge in Ade's shorts that he also got a kick out of it too. Ade started to massage his bulge, and Liam said that he thought it was time for me to give his dick a little suck. I winked at Ade and agreed, I wanted to have a peep at it. Fuck was I in for a treat! As I drew the front of his shorts down I could see his cock and balls, only half hard it was long and thick. I bent over and took him into my mouth. It grew to its full proportions. O man was that a nice tool. Certainly among the biggest and thickest that I've ever sat on!

I sat back and released his meat. Ade's head was rolled back with his mouth open. Liam's eyes were squinting with ecstacy, slowly stroking his knob through the fly of his boxers. 'That was so fucking horny.' he said. Then it was my turn to experience a little mouth work from them. Ade was first and he chose to use long slow strokes with his mouth. It was very very nice, very different from Liam who went in hard and fast with strong suction. I started thinking about two things, probably not for tonight, but for somepoint in the future: a. having both of them suck me at the same time, and b. having both of them fuck me at the same time. The latter of which, after eating Ade's cock, might need some time and preparation, but I know would feel so good.

My next request was to snog Ade. For most of the night the directions came from Liam, and even though I really wanted him to be more involved in the sex, I knew that what he was doing and what was going on around him was working for him. I began to snog Ade passionately. There was a moan from Liam. This was something that was only going to get better. Again I sat back and smiled at Ade and then over at Liam. Liam's stroking had become more determined and slightly quicker. I giggled a little. Then it was Ade's turn to snog me. Ade is a brilliant kisser, and left me breathless. He called Liam over and Liam kissed me. The whole scene was so hot and so horny I was having a whale of a time.

We all sat back for a while and chatted a bit more before it was time for my little hole to meet Ade's giant cunt-wrecker. By this time we were all naked. Ade was slowly stroking his tool, it was magnificent, 'get this up yer arse' he said. Who was I to refuse? I mounted him face to face, my knees by his hips. It took me a while but I eventually managed to slide down to the base. I was full, stretched to capacity, but loving every millimetre of that cock inside me. We started kissing again and I started to slowly ride him. 'Ah, fucking beautiful' Ade whispered. I smiled. Behind me Liam moaned that it was a beautiful sight. Physically, it seemed that Ade and I had no problems in connecting sexually and it looked good too.

A wicked smile crossed Ade's face. He held me and we repositioned so I was on my back with him between my legs and we fucked for a while like that. Slow, deliberate deep strokes. Here was someone who knew how to fuck, a guy with a big dick that knows how to use it. 'You gotta get some of this.' he called over to Liam. Liam penetrated me, gave me couple of strokes to give me a taste and then pulled out. 'Nah, I can't do it.' Liam is more passive than active, so I know that sometimes your head has to be in the right place to top. This wasn't his moment, but I got enough of a taste to know that I'd enjoy him inside me too.

Liam sat back down. Fucking had softened his hardon a little. But Ade had an idea. 'Get on all fours on the end of the rug.' I looked over and saw I'd end up side on to the seated Liam. I moved, Ade came up behind me and slid himself in. 'O fuck yeah!' whispered Ade, I moaned and tilted my head back. Liam was back to full mast (Ade's plan worked!) 'O that is so fucking beautiful' he cried, enjoying his horny view. I could have let Ade screw me all night, this was the best fuck I'd had in a long time. In fact Ade did spend most of the night fucking me!

We'd got all night and none us were in any kind of hurry. So we'd play for a while, then take a break and then play some more. During one of the breaks Liam put a proposition forward to me. He fancied the idea of videoing Ade fucking me and wondered whether I was up for that. Now I have been asked a few times would I do some amateur porn. I like porn, to watch, but am not sure whether I could watch myself in it, so I've always declined the offer. But this time, maybe because it was for Liam (who is incredibly hot), or maybe because I knew I'd get one hell of a good dicking from Ade, I said yes. I didn't even think about it. There was no pressure, but I just said 'yes'. Liam beamed, and I knew that Ade was more than willing to participate.

There was another thing as well. They were after a regular-ish playmate and wondered also whether that suited me. Again, I agreed. Liam looked pleased. 'I'd really like you being Ade's fuck buddy'. I certainly had no complaints. There was a chemistry there between the three of us that I liked. I really did want this to more than just a one-off. Not just because of the amazing sex but because I thought they were really cool guys. I felt so comfortable with them. Connected. It felt like the start of something that could only get better. And I'd make some good friends along the way.

Later on we moved into the bedroom for more play before sleeping together. I've got no idea what time it was but I know it was early morning. Physically I was getting tired and to me my lack of practice in taking something of those dimensions was showing. I'd reached a point now where my insides couldn't take all of Ade's length. He squirted his juice on the outside of my ring. I was on my back, legs in the air. I put my hand down there and scooped up a little, brought my fingers to my mouth and tasted it. Nice. I know I should have shared, but I didn't!

I think we all spent most of the rest of the night drifting in and out of sleep.

There was an argument when I came to. Ade looked a bit bewildered by it, but I was asked to leave. He didn't know what was going on so I didn't ask any questions and just hoped that I wasn't the cause of it.

Later on on Saturday I sent them a message through Gaydar to tell them how much I'd enjoyed my time with them and hoped that it wouldn't be the only time. As yet the messages haven't been delivered, and neither of them have been logged in. I've got a phone number, and I know it works, but am a little scared to just ring out of the blue considering the atmosphere when I left.

We'll see...

Counselling

2005-11-07T18:00:00.000Z

Pretty sure I've not mentioned it recently but since the last crash to earth the docs have recommended me to go back on a course of counselling.

Its peculiar, really. I'd always had reserverations about counselling. And after seeing Freeky Friday, where in one scene Jamie Lee Curtis tells her on screen daughter not to say anything to the patients '... and if you must say something, say "And how does that make you feel?"', had I not been through a pretty sucessful course of counselling it would have confirmed my fears that it doesn't work. But I know that it does, it helped last time, it helped a lot. Though I know that its something I'm unlikely to get away from completely.

Something I'm very aware of is my lack of confidence in myself. This, of course, filters into other areas of my existence meaning specifically that I don't always trust my own judgement ('Am I doing the right thing?') and don't always believe that other peoples actions are performed without an alterior motive. Classic example of this is the DVD player (which both me and the cat adore) that my Manager bought me (us!) for my birthday. There's a lot of history between me and my Manager so deep down I know that the gift was just that. I don't think he realised just how hard living gets for me at times until we had the Back To Work interview. Maybe this was his way of saying 'sorry' (and 'thank you') for some of the shit he gives me at time, but I'm still questioning why that gift horse has such a desirable box in its mouth!

We're trying a different strategy this time around. I've been asked to keep a diary of my feelings. The bizarre situation where I nearly burst into tears in the car after listening to that Jamiroquai track on Thursday morning, and now where I can feel the urge to cry but don't know why. I suppose we're trying to see whether there's a pattern.

I want this. And I want it to work cos I'm tired of feeling like shit when I'm down. So I'm actually feeling a bit guilty that I've not started it yet, made worse because I don't have a session this week due to a work meeting being out of Manchester.

It was possibly a feel-good move, and even if it was it worked on me, but we got talking about the car. I told her I'd done nearly 300 miles in it since getting it back. The fact I've done that much travelling, and for the most part am enjoying driving we believe is proof that I've moved on in some ways from Christmas.

I told Pete on Friday I was back in counselling. We met for lunch to exchange birthday presents and have a natter. He looked disappointed, even though there was no need for him to be. 'But why?' he asked. I told him that I didn't know (and I still don't), but all I did know was that I woke up one morning and decided I really didn't want to be here anymore. That kinda shocked him even more, probably cos he knows that the one thing that stopped me from doing something stupid was my lack of trust in myself.

The main problem I've got with the counselling approach to my depression is the time it takes. It's a slow process and not always possible to see the distance travelled. But it's better than anti-d's which do me no good at all. Interestingly, though, I learned that the Citalopram I was on is pretty good for HIV patients as it has little to no drug interactions. But if I want to be like a zombie I'd much rather just get stoned. At least I know I can sleep that way.

Don't Give Hate A Chance

2005-11-02T19:13:00.000Z

I'm lovin Jamiroquai's latest - (Don't) Give Hate A Chance. Saw a tiny bit of the video on Saturday/Sunday/Over-the-Weekend, but managed to catch the entire song on the radio in the car on the way to work this morning.

But why does this song make me cry?

Why can't we be (together)?
Could you love me, don't hate me
I don't see (why can't we live together)
Maybe we could get it on (maybe we could get it on)
Should be our destiny
There's a cold streak living (inside us)
There's no rainbows... just bullets and bombs
If you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Now don't you want to rise up

[Chorus]
We've been giving hate a chance
(We've got all this love to give, you know)
And the love will be running out for us
Can you feel the dreams of life
We're hoping we can still survive
As the wind carries every dove away

So why do we see (these colours)
It's only skin deep, don't mean a thing
(So clear underneath this we're all brothers)
Can't you see it's killing us
(Can't you see it's killing us)
Can't you see it's killing me
Trigger happy fantasy
So stand up and be (so strong now)
Freedom is not so far away
If you know you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Don't you want to rise up

[Chorus]

The wind carries every dove away
The wind carries every dove away (every dove away)
Dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove

Now you've been taking our dignity for too long
I want to save this sanctity that we hold
And who's right and who's wrong
We're not so different anyway
Words are in this song
Can't we stop the fighting?

[Chorus]

Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry

Saturday Night's Alright For Flashing

2005-11-01T19:06:00.000Z

OMG. You wouldn't believe the state that Kyle and I got into on Saturday night. We ended up in Legends and had such a laugh. We'd enjoyed Barracks as an ENO earlier in the year but this was something different and convinced us that we just have to get Mart down there.

Through most of Saturday I wasn't sure whether the going out was even going to happen. Kyle and I had arranged a few days previous to do a bit of shopping on the Saturday as he wanted to get some clothes to make him look 'stunning'. I spent most of the day trying to ring him but still managed tp get what I wanted, more on that later. He rings me just after 9pm as I'm waiting for a taxi to take me to town, appologises as tells me he'd sunk a bottle of vodka that morning while doing his housework after getting back from work. He'd passed out. Ha ha ha ha! He was sorry and pissed off that we'd not been out during the day. But we made up for that later.

My shopping during the day amounted to a new pair of trakies - black and rather tight and a new piece of jewellery for my nob. The previous week I'd been in a shop in town and managed to get two pieces for the price of one: I'd wanted a 4mm x 17mm ring and also something at 5mm. They'd got the 4 x 17 but no rings at 5mm. So I ended up with a 5mm circular barbell. It's something grow into, I thought. I'm not ready for it yet though.

I've only ever had rings in there so far, so getting the barbell was something to look forward to trying. Yea, I was pissed off that I couldn't get it in. I'll just have to wait. But because I'd got the barbell, and I wanted to know how it felt compared with the ring, I just had to get one at 4mm. I remembered about changing jewellery at Mardi Gras, but still decided to swap.

The gauge of the barbell is the same, but it feels so different. It's got these two huge balls underneath and I love the feel of it. I told Kyle about it when we met up. When arrived at Legends we ended up going into the toilet so I could show him. He was impressed. Then I ended up showing it to about three other people in there (including a girl). One of the lads in the toilet was very cute and very interested in it. He said he'd been thinking about it, he'd got a boyfriend, and seeing mine had kinda convinced him to think more about it. The girl dragged us off into the club to meet her friends. And in the middle of the club I ended up whippin it out for them. You really can't be shy when you've got a lump of metal through the end of your dick.

Later on in the evening we were round a table with a tribe of people, the 'figurehead' of which is some who goes back a very long way with Kyle. Him and his bf had made it clear more than a few times before that they're more than a little interested in me. I think Kyle told them about the metal work to put them off. Maybe it was the brazen way I did it (they were say down, I perched on the edge of the table, flopped it out, and I've got a feeling I was shaking it in someone's face) but it made them more interested.

We got invited back to chill out with them later on, which we did. Nothing happened with our hosts, but I've been given an open invitation to call back again, and I've promised that I will keep in touch with them. They're nice guys, always good for a laugh and a good time. I think the last time I was round there was when we were hunting for weed the night that I told Kyle and Mart my test results. I've seen them both around since then, but not to spend any decent time with. Think that could well change...

A Classic Line

2005-10-29T12:14:00.000Z

From a film on TV today (don't know what it's called):

Soldier 1: Anyone know how to work an Elephant?
Soldier 2: I used to go out with a fat woman once. Couldn't make her go either!

Just The Birthday Present. NOT!!!

2005-10-27T17:48:00.000Z

Well I'm 24 hours (or thereabouts) into being 27. I learned after being 21-and-a-big-bit that all that happens as you get older is that the days get shorter, you complain about the weather more, things stop working, and some nights a nice cup of coffee sounds better than a double voddie. Don't get me started on Policemen, cos it is true.

Pete's birthday has also just passed. Old fucker!! And for the first time in years I've actually got him a present. It's not much, its a cartoon DVD that I know will make him think of me everytime he watches it. I've not given it to him just yet, a case of too little time to get over to him when he's at home, working odd shifts etc. Not to worry, he'll get it sooner or later.

Mart rang an wished me happy birthday last night. Actually, he sang it down the phone to me. Aww. That was sweet, we had a giggle. I've still to speak with Kyle, we just keep missing each other. Mum woke me up with a text message with a picture of a cake. Her card came on Tuesday. No money in it, but then my lovely TV was my birthday prezzie. And from my manager came a DVD player for my bedroom. I was stunned and shocked. I'd been planning on getting one anyway so it was a really nice thought. I've had to replace the TV in the bedroom though as it didn't have a Scart connector. The cat's pleased about this. Means she can watch her German porn while I'm at work - she spends most of her time in the bedroom anyway.

Ok. Point of this post. Next major event in my life is D-Day and that's also like a birthday. It'll be two years on November 27. We're doing something on the Friday (25th). Might be going to see Faithless in Manchester or it could be something else. Either way, it's a going-out night so I'll want to dress up a bit. Club Barracks is also on at Legends, so we might even end up there. That sounds like a good idea to me.

I've got a big thing about leather and rubber at the moment. Well, more leather, really. I got the leather collar for Mardi Gras and I still love that but I wanted something a little more discrete. Something more like:

Don't ask me why. I don't understand 'fetish', it's just something that I want. I've never been much of a person for jewellery. I've got me (neck) chains and I love them but a collar means something different.

But in searching for the ideal collar I came across this:

One thing to say: I fucking hate Burberry!! I'm so glad no one thought of gettin me one of those. Mite have been a bit difficult to retrieve if you get where I'm going... Made me laugh though.

Just spoken to Kyle and he sang to me as well. Don't give up the day job Babe! We're doing something on Saturday as Mart is working. We like misbehaving, and while yougest is away you know we're gonna play...

Planning Is Such A Bad Idea

2005-10-24T20:10:00.000Z

The best laid plans of mice and men? Not this weekend. The weekend started on Friday night and was nothing at all like the way it was originally planned to be. The planned trip to a drinkery out of Manchester went out of the window pretty much like Mart's relationship with Jay.

We've known that Jay has some problems for a long while. The most obvious being his addiction to alcohol. We thought we'd kinda got that one under control but we were clearly wrong. When you walk across the path of your boyfriend, less than two metres away, and he's falling about all over the place in the middle of the afternoon and doesn't even see you, its pretty clear that something is wrong. That's what Mart and Chris witnessed on Friday afternoon. I got a phone call saying that they were coming straight over as there was a 'crisis'. Fifteen minutes later Mart and Chris let themselves in.

Now Jay had spent a week planning this night and was asked not to get drunk before we were supposed to be meeting for going out. So you can only imagine how furious Mart was to witness the state of him on Friday. But it doesn't end there.

Seems also that Jay has been a compulsive liar. Hes created a huge web of lies but with one problem: he's forgotten what hes lied about and to who. The web collapsed around him. The fantastic bar managers job he was supposed to have was all a figment of his imagination. We're still trying to work out where the 'wages' he was getting really came from.

Needless to say, Mart has had more than enough. The relationship is over and Mart just doesn't want him around. He doesn't feel able to trust a single word the guy says and what basis is that to build a relationship on? Mart knows he's doing the right thing. Not because he wants to, but because he has to. The situation is forcing changes in Marts character which he doesnt want and wont allow to happen.

So, the three of us went out on Friday night and had a ball. We were supposed to be staying together but I ran in to Ben and James and got persuaded that I really wanted to stay with them that night. I apologised to the Mart and Chris, but they know the situation with me, Ben and James.

James, bless him, was completely paralytic. Ben was speeding. I spent the rest of the evening with them until everyone drifted off and it was time for us to go back to theirs. This time it was James who had to be undressed and put to bed. Ben and I promised that we'd be back in the bedroom in five minutes because we wanted to finish off the drugs, have a cigarette first. Ok, we knew that in less that two minutes James would be fast asleep, so we just stayed in the living room talking, watching something on TV and sharing half a can of lager that we'd acquired from somewhere.

Then it happened. We both started to feel horny. Ben put some porn on and I took my jeans off and climbed under the quilt on the couch. Ben also stripped down just to his underwear and sat on the chair to watch the porn. Under the quilt I discretely removed my jock and tried playing with myself. The speed was doing neither of us any favours!

Ben got up and went to climb behind me on the couch. 'Don't laugh,' he said, his hands covering his crotch, 'I've got acorns!' I just smiled and he climbed in behind me. I put my hands behind me and felt. Ben usually doesnt have anything to be ashamed of but tonight I got the impression we could have a few difficulties. We tried wanking each other but that didn't seem to work. In the end I got Ben to give up on trying to get me hard. We were both horny in the head, so I knew that if I could get Ben up me that would still satisfy me.

I went to work with my mouth on him and little by little we managed to breath some life into the little man. We tried three times, with varying degrees of success, for him to penetrate me. He did fuck me, and we both got breathless, and I know I really enjoyed it. Ben thought he'd not done a good job, and I know we've had better sex with each other, but it really had been that long since Ben had been inside me that it didn't matter. We'd had fun and both agreed that we'd really really missed it with each other.

Ben stayed awake watching TV while I dozed off and eventually fell asleep. When I woke up the next morning Ben was smiling. 'Do you know you smile in your sleep?' he said.

It's no secret that I've got some very deep feelings for the pair of them, both individually and as a couple, and I also feel highly honoured that they invite me into their life in the way they do. It's more than just sex with us. There's a different kind of bond and its not something I can explain. I tried to talk about it with Mart on the Saturday. The fact I walked in with a huge cheesey grin on my face I think made it pretty obvious I'd had a good night. And I only got two hours sleep that morning. I was gonna be knackered later.

Mart had had an equally good time. 'I now know what I've been missing through 2005!' he quipped with a glint in his eye. He and Chris went to Cruz and Mart ended up with a guy. They'd spent virtually all night just staring at each other, so I hear. And there was talk of Chris copping off with a bloke, but I'm kinda sure that was made up! After all, in the race to claim Chris's cherry I know I'm in the lead, somehow I don't think that Kyle is really Chris's type.

I finally met up with Mart about 1pm. He'd come back to mine, and I'd been home, washed up, gone out to get 'a little something'. We exchanged stories and we were both knackered. But the day was to be a busy one. Mart needed to go home to collect a few things, the intention that he'd be staying with me over the weekend. He'd like to stay longer with me but it's virtually impossible for him to get to work on time from mine, a combination of strange working hours and crap public transport links.

We got up to Marts house. Jay was in and was baby sitting for a member of his family. The house was freezing. No gas, no milk, and Jay told Mart that all he had to his name was 50p when asked. Mart's response: you shouldn't have gone out pissing it up against the wall Thursday and Friday should you! There was an atmosphere in the house, you could have cut the air with a knife. I have to admit not feeling comfortable, but I tried my best to be pleasant and to dismiss the situation. Hard work. And being cold, hungry and tired didn't make it any easier. To be honest, Jay looked pretty detached. That's the best way I can describe. Conversation from him was based on mono-syllabic grunts, he couldn't make eye contact with anyone, and if ever his eyes did connect with me there was a compelling sense of fear from him.

I know that he's shit scared of me. I shouted at him a few weeks earlier. He deserved it, he was doing things that were upsetting my baby. And I wont allow that, especially when Mart had already told him that he was out of order. That night we'd had a good night, get back and he ruins it within 5 minutes of arriving home. He knows about what's happened in the past between Mart and I, and I knew he'd suspect that we'd slept together that night. He's already tried using that to bargain against Mart a few times before.

It's about 8pm when we get home. I cook us something to eat. I'd had plans for what to cook during the day, but when it came down to it, it just ended up being pizza - we were too desperate to wait for anything else.

In our travels we'd also acquired some pills. They were the ones that we should have had for Friday, but thanks to Jay's deceptions, even though they were ready for collection we never got them. Mart's verdict: well he fucked it up for us, so we'll enjoy them!

And enjoy them we did. We turned the lights down low, didn't drink that much alcohol - I'd only got 1/3 of a bottle of vodka anyway - and played some of the CDs that Mart had rescued from his. We'd got changed out of last night's clothes just before eating. I know, scruffy buggers, but it was just one of those things. We felt so much better for getting into something more comfortable. I'd gone out in jeans. I only wear jeans at work when I've got meetings or for when I go out. The rest of the time it's trakies all the way.

I came down wearing a sleeveless t-shirt that I'd got for Mardi Gras. I took my t-shirt off. Mart thought that was a good idea and asked whether I'd got anything sleeveless he could borrow. I popped upstairs and looked. I have to remember that Mart is slightly broader in the chest than me. Most of my sleeveless stuff is pretty figure hugging on me, so I know that a lot of it would be too tight on him. I found a red hooded sleeveless top, a real vibrant red with a thick white design on it. It's one that Kyle wants but I wont let him borrow it! It fitted Mart well and he looked so good in it.

As we got more and more out of it the clothes started to come off. I was first, off came the t-shirt. Mart followed suit shortly afterwards. Then I started to get horny. Sooner or later I knew that Mart would also, but that that was only half the reason why my trakies came off! It took a moment for Mart to realise that I was sat next to him stark naked. 'O God!' he exclaimed, double-taking my nakedness. He must have been in his own world just before then. I know that I kept drifting.

A while passed before Mart asked whether he could borrow a pair of shorts. I directed him to the piles of clothes infront of my wardrobe and said that he should find something there. I was comfortable, sat with my legs up, one knee pointing at Mart, absently stroking myself from under my left thigh. I know Mart saw that I'd got a huge bone but he didn't say anything, just a small glint in his eye as he passed me.

He wasn't long upstairs and came down in my black lycra Adidas swimming shorts. He looked stunning in them. 'Very nice!' I rasped as he went by me to sit down again. He chuckled and sat. Now Mart does have a very cute arse, and when he leant over the arm of the couch to change the CD he stuck it up in the air. The lycra held it perfectly. We've spoken about it before, about roles that is, and even though I find Mart so sexy and even though I do top on very very rare occasions when I'm very horny, I could never fuck Mart. We're not even gonna try, for us its something that doesn't seem right. Mart loves to fuck and I love being fucked so what we have works. As he put it one night after he an Jay had had a run of Mart bottoming for him, 'all I wanna do is just fuck some arse!'

I knew sitting up on the couch was going to start to feel uncomfortable sooner or later, so I went upstairs and got the quilt. Brought it down and laid it out on the floor. The lighting was low but it still seemed a bit to bright. I thought about bringing some candles or nightlights in but Mart had a better suggestion: just leave the hall-way light on. Perfect.

A little later we're both still on the couch, both feet on the floor. Quite relaxed. Remember, I'm naked, and even though I not ashamed of showing anyone especially Mart what I've got I still had a hand over me. In the half-light I spotted something moving in the lyrca shorts Mart was wearing. He was horny too. I let him enjoy the lycra for a while, I could see him flexing his cock through the material. I was already hard but felt a twinge as I saw his meat moving.

Mart gets up and lies on the floor. I get a better look at him now. He's still flexing and I know it's nearly time to make a move. A few minutes pass and I get on the floor at the side of him and stroke his cock through the shorts. 'I knew you'd get the hint' he said with a wink in his voice. We chuckled and I cupped his balls and gave them a gently squeeze. We both knew where that was going but there were things to do first. I got Mart out of his shorts and he lay back where he was. I started out by going down on him, he reached over to start gently stroking my cock. I think Mart's a bit unsure about the piercing. He knows I wouldn't lie to him when I say it doesn't hurt but I suppose if its something you're not used to seeing it can be a bit daunting to get so close to a lump of metal in someones manhood.

He spoke about sucking me, but said that he was worried about 'getting tangled' in it. Meaning his tongue piercing and my PA getting caught up together. I was wearing a 17mm ring which is pretty 'figure hugging' so there was little chance of that happening - not enough clearance between flesh and metal. I told him he'd be ok, but he had other ideas. He guided me over him so that I could suck his cock while he ate me out. Boy can that lad eat arse!! You know how some people are good at something and it shows cos they clearly really enjoy it? Well Mart is like that. And when his hands weren't parting my cheeks he was stroking up and down my body. He even played a little with my pierced nip, which is something I can't remember him doing before. Meanwhile, I was downstairs with my toungue covering every part of his crotch. We were both moaning and groaning and really getting into what each other was doing.

Time could have stood still. I don't know how long we were at that. But then it came time for Mart to penetrate me. I lay on my side and Mart came in behind. One leg in the air and he starts banging away at me. Heaven. Mart likes to bang hard, and I love it when he does. The sexual animal really comes out in him. He kissed the back of my neck, he knows that's a weak spot, especially when I've got a cock inside me, and I clamped down on his meat not enough to stall his stroke but just enough to raise a moan out of him.

We changed positions, Mart's favourite I think. Well with me, anyway. I sat astride him and he bangs away from underneath. Mart thought he was about to cum and so pulled out, took off the condom and started to wank. I sat to one side facing him. He wanked, I wanked while he thrust his fingers in and out of my abused hole. I wanted his juices on my body. But try as he might he couldn't get them out. I was still stroking myself, and I had the same problem! He went upstairs to clean up while I stayed downstairs trying to cum. I was still wanking when he came back down. 'Ha ha! I've seen in all now!' he chuckled when he saw me. 'Sorry,' I started, 'I'm still horny and wanna cum.' But it was no use. I thought about putting porn on, but decided that might be a bit unfair if Mart had 'lost the moment'.

We sat for a while in the afterglow. Talking, listening to the music. Lack of sleep from the previous night started to well up in me. So I told Mart that I was gonna go get cleaned up and get into bed. He knew he was welcome to join me up there but instead crashed out in the living room.

We woke up the following day at about 5pm. Mart came upstairs to tell me the time and explained that he'd crashed downstairs. 'And yes, you were smiling in your sleep!'

Random Updates

2005-10-19T23:08:00.000Z

Gloria
We're mobile again. And loving it. In some ways it feels like starting to drive again. Getting used to driving, trying not to get jumpy at other traffic. Or aggravated. (Now is probably not the time to consider developing road rage!!!)

Like this morning on the way to work. The road goes from a 30 to a 40 speed limit - carries on to me a motorway. And I'm stuck behind this bloody Ford Fiesta insisting on doing 27mph. Maybe its because I wanna see how fast I can make her go, but I wanted to put my foot down, not because I was late for work (I wasn't). I just wanted to. After I'd roughly overtaken them I looked in the rear view mirror. My comment over the radio: 'Oo. You're older than I thought you'd be.' in a very dissapointed tone.

A Voice From The Grave
Got a message on Gaydar from Cam. He's sorry. So very, very sorry. He made it to Manchester for University. One of my big failings is that I just can't stay angry with someone, I break sooner or later. I broke, and asked if he wanted to try being friends again. He agreed.

He invited me over for pizza but I had work to do and declined. We probably will meet, though I'm in no hurry for it to be soon.

Back At The Orrifice...
Was back to work for me on Monday. Went ok, I suppose. Had the 'back to work interview' on the Tuesday. I cried. But it was ok. We've got a plan of action so I know what to do when I'm having difficulties. They had missed me, even though they had done well without me.

Something For The Weekend?
Plans have been arranged for my weekend. We're going out on Friday night, but not in Manchester. I know there's life outside Manchester. We're actually going to where I saw my first naked drag queen. And what's more is that I've got no idea who I'm going to be out with. I'd been given 'orders' to seduce Chris. Which could be interesting. Interesting because he got some weed for me a few weeks back and I went round to his to collect it. We had a couple of joints and then I said I'd better be making a move. He walked me up to the Metrolink station, his own decision. As we were saying good bye there was a tension between us. Sort of like we should have kissed. We didn't. But then I got to thinking about this drop dead fucking gorgeous stud that Chris let onto as we aproached the station. I did ask who he was. 'Just a mate.' Chris said, rather meekly, almost as if there was more he didn't want to get into.

Then Saturday I'm with Mart and Jay meeting some of Jay's family. Not too sure whether I'm gonna be able to cope with that. See how it all goes. After all, home is only 10 minutes away now.

Words Words Words

2005-10-16T16:18:00.000Z

I'm after a definition for the word sleazy, or perhaps more accurately what sexual acts are classed as being 'sleazy'.

Why? Well I get asked (from time to time) about what kind of sleazy things I get up to. Now to me, nothing I get up to fits with the classic definition of 'sleaze' as being dirty, perverted or sick.

I did, however, come across an online Urban Dictionary which was actually no help at all, but funny all the same.

Highlights:-
pudknocker,
mud flap,
poo, and my new favourite
bollock yoghurt.

Complete with a list of the newest words and definitions.

Oooo. Grease Monkeys!!

2005-10-14T11:09:00.000Z

He he. Well finally managed to get up early this morning - made it out of bed for 8.05am - rang the garage and booked Glo in for the MOT.

She failed. But then that was expected. They can't do an emissions test on a faulty exhaust, as the tester said 'the unit can't get enough gas up'. There were other things she failed on too.

So she needs:-
2 new front tyres - with being stood idle, changes in temperature have caused the bottom of the tyres to go flat
2 front brake discs - they've started to corrode so they had problems with the brake efficiency tests
drivers side front shock absorber is leaking - I had a feeling that there was a problem with the shocks, though I thought it was the rear ones!
exhaust middle box - at least its not the whole unit

I've been quoted £259 and it should be ready late Monday. So if I had've been able to get out of bed yesterday I'd have a car later on today. Nevermind. Everything is in hand.

Booked her in early, they said I could wait and so I did. Went outside reception for a smoke and looked into the workshop. I forgot how strange it was to see a car, especially your own car, go up on ramps. And am I the only one who gets jittery about someone else driving your car?

While I was smoking I spotted a very nice young mechanic. Very tasty. About 25, shaved head, tanned skin, dark-blue oil dirty overalls. You know where my mind went! Straight from 'ohmygod my baby's having an internal' to 'hey big boy wanna check my crank shaft'. Yum. Sadly, he wasn't the one seeing to Gloria, but he could check my fluid levels anyday!

They said there was also some corrosion of the brake pipes. Not enough for it to fail the MOT but something else that will need to be attended to at some point. I need to find me a mechanic...

More about MOTs

2005-10-12T19:43:00.000Z

Hugh left a comment about saving money on MOTs by using a Local Government Testing Station. Will consider this in future but can't for the moment as I don't have the complete 'paper trail' to make the car legal on the road. More info about all this here.

Also came across a fascinating load of info about the MOT test itself. That's here. Remember I'm used to reading Tech Manuals at bedtime, so this stuff is really interesting.

MOT Day Tomorrow

2005-10-12T15:42:00.000Z

Gonna be takin Gloria to the garage tomorrow for her MOT. Not booked in or owt, but just rang the garage and they said to ring tomorrow morning (yea, right!) between 8.30 and 9. So all bein well I should have a fully legal car by weekend. I'm excited about gettin back on the road but not excited about the bill to come.

All the lights are working, and the engine starts and can move the car. I know I shouldn't have, but I did take the car down the street and back the other day. Sounds like a pig, but then so would you if you hadn't been anywhere in 12 months. Yes, got the letter from DVLA yesterday to renew the Off Road Notice or get her Taxed. I want the latter.

Got the replacement Insurance Certificate (I know the original is somewhere but just dont ask) on Saturday. I know where the ownership stuff is. It's just the MOT Certificate to prove that shes safe to be on the road.

Parts of getting her sorted have been a bit Blue Peter, but hey, isn't invention what makes life interesting? She's had a leaky sunroof, well, ok, not so much the sunroof but the drain pipes leak. The owner guide recommends putting plastic down to clear any blockages not metal or wire as a previous owner did. Metal scratches the paint, water gets into the scratch, metal turns to rust. Need I go on? Anyway, two 1 metre lengths of plastic tubing and half a tub of CopyDex should sort that little problem out.

Then sorting out the rear wiper... After replacing the motor and it still not working I found that the contact plate between the body and the boot was out of alignment. So I've 'adjusted' the height of the contact plates with the inside of a toilet roll. Just goes to show that years of '... and here's one we made earlier!' haven't gone to waste.

I can't do anything about the exhaust. And that's needed attention for a while (part of the reason why she sounds so bad) but then no one ever complained about Alison Moyet having a blokes voice. I'm just hoping that it's not the full exhaust, 'cos then it will be mega expensive. The Catalytic Converter (and I know that's the bit that takes the lead out of the unleaded petrol. eh?) lives in the front part which makes that end nearly £200 on its own!

The inside has been cleaned and hoovered. I've even had a go at cleaning up the water damage from the sunroof leak, but might think of getting a new roof lining when it comes time to sell her. Need to clean inside the windows and 12 months of Manchester rain has well an truly left its mark on the outside. Black shit on metallic blue-grey aint appealing. But, surprise surprise, its pissin it down round here today so no chance of a proper clean off. Couple of buckets of water and a nice sponge down will do me nicely.

And 'the wife' after a hard day of (watching me) working on the car...

...trying to pretend that she doesn't know I'm taking her picture.

Your Health Matters

2005-10-06T07:49:00.000Z

I was made aware of the following headline yesterday:

'Riding A Bike Can Make You Impotent'

After picking myself up off the floor with laughter, and realising that it really meant bicycle and not town bike I learned more about the topic.

Seems that with heavy prolonged use the front part of a bike saddle places too much pressure on the bit behind your balls causing a drop in circulation.

Women, however, don't have this problem. And Polish (I think) scientists have come up with a solution to make sure that women never suffer from this. Observe their research here. WARNING: Female nudity, but its funny.

Completely unrelated, but you know how we keep being told as drivers that we need to reduce our speed to prevent accidents. Well some more research shows what complete bollocks that is!

Check this out:

Today I Go Shopping...

2005-10-05T00:32:00.000Z

We were talking about 'Ice Breakers' at work the other day. You know, the kind of games you play to get people to start getting to know each other.

I remember one from University. The tutor was a right queen! Bless. We didn't. But there was always a certain tension there. But anyway...

The game goes as follows (quite predictable really):

When it's your turn, you start by saying 'I'm your name. I went shopping today and bought such and such an item'
If there are people before you, you have to add 'and persons name went shopping and bought whatever they said they bought.'

It's a combination of distraction and reinforcement in the same mental process.

Well, today I went shopping and bought a car side-light bulb, a 15m mains extension cable, a non-porn (shock!!) DVD, and a pair of trakie bottoms off eBay.

Strangely, the game works better if you only admit to buying one item and if you lie about what you actually bought. ie. 'A Dutch Cap from Wal Mart' beats 'A wet lettcue from Kwik Save' anyday!

The Chronicles of Riddick

2005-10-04T23:57:00.000Z

In one word: phwooooaaaaaaar!!!!

Now can anyone tell me what the story was about? I was too busy perving and having some very naughty thoughts about Vin Diesel to notice.

Shame I couldn't make them come true even if I wanted to at the moment. Just my luck that he'd be passive like me. Damn, why do I feel like submitting "try and 'top' more" to next years New Year's Resolutions?

Nasty Things

2005-10-04T23:36:00.000Z

I think everyone knows that milk does not make a good mixer with vodka. No, I didn't, but like the pint of milk in the coffee jar a few months back it was a close one. But that is not the point of this entry.

Today I think I saw one of the original models for the variety of female blow-up sex dolls on the market. I gotta say I was scared. Very scared.

I was up at the local precint, just on my way back to catch a bus home after getting a side-light bulb for Gloria. Strangely she looked more petrified of me than I was of her. Let me describe: she was a big girl, very very wide (three of me side-by-side), about the same height as me (5'7"), black and white checked skirt, dark tightly curled hair, bright wide eyes and narrow mouth painted with bright red lipstick (you could say slut-red, but eitherway it didn't go with the skin tone).

She's probably a real nice woman. Despite the way I look (Scallied most of the time) I'm a nice guy and generally harmless. But I still couldn't help giggling all the way back to the bus stop.

Dilema

2005-10-04T22:52:00.000Z

You know how sometimes life comes round and bites you hard on the ass, hard? Well tomorrow lands me in dilema time.

Managed to make contact with Kyle tonight. He hadn't forgotten about me going to clinic yesterday, just other things got in the way (including an embarassing private message on Gaydar as a result of mistaken identity). He's operating on the basis that my current condition deserves pay back for the times I've tried to sort him out. So we've agreed to spend some time together at some point tomorrow.

Problem is that late last week I agreed to meet with a guy coming up from London on business. He's slightly over my normal age range but he is as fit as fuck. It's not for anything serious, just a bit of fun before he goes back to his hotel and resumes his business life. We'll probably never meet again, but you never know...

In a depressive state my mind goes completely ka-ka. I can forget things as soon as they crop into my mind or I can have the same thought 20 times in a row and not think anything of it (purely 'cos I've forgotten the previous 19 iterations). And then there's the conversations I have with myself that usually end with '...and what the fuck am I on about?' (I've been told it's ok to talk to myself as long as it's my voice I hear talking to me).

Add into that situation that my sex drive is about as active as a dead donkey and I feel about as horny as a brick. Tomorrow is gonna be fun in one way or another. And I've got probably about an hour and a half between being able to contact Kyle and supposedly meeting London Guy.

Someone's gonna end up unhappy. Just hoping it aint me. It'll be more than tears if it is.

Oh, and by the way. It's only taken four days but I've finally got myself pissed. Yay!! Either my alcohol tolerance has come down temporarily or I've drunk enough to reach critical mass. I'm not saying how much vodka I've drunk but I will say there's a 'three' in it. Somewhere.

Mum was always adamant that my stubborness and determination didn't come from her. And then there's Jay's ideology: if at first you don't succeed, try a triple instead!

Results Day

2005-10-03T11:06:00.000Z

Yep, it's that time again. Seems to have come round so quickly since last time.

CD4: 353
VL: 47200

Again, Doctors aren't too concerned. Viral Load is 'as expected', whatever that means and CD4 is between the last two samples. So everything is up apart from me. I'm in a bad way again.

The plane from the dark side touched down sometime in the middle of Saturday. Pete phoned Saturday morning and I was alright then, so I'm at a complete loss to know where this has come from. (Honestly, I know that its nothing to do with him.) I know it's not got anything to do with getting results 'cos I don't feel any better now I've got them. Even though its no secret about how anxious I get in the run up to getting them.

Punched the cat over the weekend. Not her fault, she was just showing concern. I was just, well, angry. And it wasn't just a tap, she flew halfway across the room. I'm not proud of it and got very upset after I'd realised what I'd done. She's still talking to me and I haven't hurt her, amazingly. Fascinating how animals know when something is wrong. Think there's lessons to be learned there.

Even tried getting drunk over the weekend to see whether that would liven me up. Couldn't believe it. Half a litre of vodka and I was still stone cold sober. What's with that? I can't even get meself pissed properly. Maybe it proves that alcohol is not the way to deal with things. All it did was make me even more angry, more ratty, and more irrational.

A line from Little Britain keeps coming into my head: 'what that boy needs is a good cock up his arse'. Please. The way I feel at the moment, the next unsolicited cock that comes anywhere near me best come with a tub of ice so its preseved well enough for when Casualty try and stitch it back on.

I'm having second thoughts about trying to sort the car out. All I want to do is cause distruction. Do I really wanna be the proud owner of a 4-grand paperweight? Again?

Ooooo. Angry young man. Let's try some calming imagery. A squirel investigating my back fence on Sunday:

Ahhhh. Nah. Fuck it. Fetch me a rifle. Target Practice sounds much more fun.

She's Back!

2005-09-23T20:08:00.000Z

It's been a funny old week. Lots of mixed messages about me and having a car. Let's go through them:-
Tuesday: Chris couldn't get the bonnet of the car open to try and fit the battery.
Wednesday: A van reverses into the back side of the bus that I'm on going to work. Later a fight breaks out on the bus that's taking me home from work.
Thursday: I try and fit the battery but am halted by rusty nuts.
Friday: Another near bus accident as someone tries to drive into the side of it on the way to work. Then my journey home (on the bus back from Halfords) is hampered by an accident on the route. Fortunately it was further up from me. Still took me the usual three hours to get back from the office, and that included getting a lift from the office to Halfords.

But. At last. Socket set in hand, I manage to fit the battery. Job was a piece of piss, actually. Open the door and the interior light comes on. The radio is flashing like fuck, but that was only cos it didn't know what time it was.

So the final test. Does the engine start? Too right does!!

Gloria's Back in Business!!!

It Can't Be That Hard To Change A Battery...

2005-09-22T18:12:00.000Z

It can't be that hard to change a car battery. Can it?

I mean, I know that Chris had no joy getting the bonnet open, but once that's done it's plain sailing. Isn't it?

Heh heh! Wrong!!

Well I managed to get the bonnet open. Little help from the car jack under the release lever while I tugged at the front of the car. Sorted.

Managed to remove the battery contacts, in the correct order (yea I know the thing is flat, but still best to follow instructions).

That was the easy part. But you see that black strap over the top of the battery? Well that's anchored on the left hand side with a bolt. The bolt goes through a metal plate, which helps to keep the battery secured, and also through a hole on the lower lip of the battery. No problem, I thought. I've got a socket set. Heh heh. No such luck. The important parts of my socket set are missing. Ok, I'll call off at the local garage, they're sure to have a cheapish socket set, I thought. I looked, and I asked, and if a question mark could be expressed facially, then that was my response. But it is a change from me asking where the Coke is!

So I'm stumped by a bloody rusty bolt. And I was doing so well.

So tomorrow I've got to have a think of where I can obtain a socket set. Halfords is an option, but that means taking the 3-hour journey home so I wont feel like pissing around with it when I get home. And to be honest I'd much rather get the thing sorted out tomorrow and spend the weekend doing something more constructive. Like cleaning it (it hasn't been washed since last October). She's very very grubby.

Though for a 9 year old car, the engine itself is relatively clean.

But what the fuck do I know about car engines? I know the red thing at the front is the dip-stick (he he, now that sounds like a sexual reference if ever there was one), and I put oil in under the black cap on top of that silver bit. Other than that '?????????????'

A Snake In The Grass, Or A Thief In My House

2005-09-22T18:00:00.000Z

Somehow this morning I managed to lose an hour of my life. I was on my way to work, but I arrived an hour later than I thought I would. Really don't know what happened.

But it made me think about some of the things I've lost through depression:-
I lost my confidence,
my sex drive (and sex life for a while),
my boyfriend,
my memory,
my mind,
my ability to drive without fear of causing harm,
the capability to juggle multiple tasks at once,
the desire to plan ahead,
the ability to recognise the difference between rational and irrational thoughts.

There's probably more that I could add to that list. It's nine months on from the very worst of it all, and I know it's always there. Like the bogyman who hides in the cupboard under the stairs, you never see him but you know damn well he's there and watching you.

Life is better now. There's good days and bad days. And days when I realise too late that I should have stayed in bed after all.