Homeboi's Diary

The story, so far... Michael texts me on Monday. We meet on Thursday. I have a present: a little teddy bear (I've called him 'Mini-Mike') and a bottle of massage oil. We drop a pill with Ben, lose Ben, meet Jeff and boyf convince Jeff and boyf to come to the party on Friday (they weren't going to go, but we convinced them it was a good idea). The party is Chris's birthday party. I met Chris on the first night I met Michael. He's 17 now. When I met Chris he kept asking whether I was coming. I told him that I was, and now I knew more about the party I was definately going.

Michael and I have a good night. Michael is very pissed and very pilled. He's quite a handful in more than the way I originally thought. We arrive back at mine at god knows what time. Share a spliff and then he gets me to lie on the couch while he massages me. God is he good at massage. He works me over for what seems like ages and I feel like a rag doll. He leans over to get something from the coffee table and nearly pulls us both to the floor. We laugh and right ourselves and then he goes back to the massage. During most of the massage he's been crouched behind me between my legs. Periodically he's gone down and eaten my hole and then gone back to the massage. Then he penetrates me. I'm already in heaven and I think he just fired me off to cloud 99.

He's just getting a good rhythm going when he wobbles and we fall off the couch again. I'm incapable of speech but get it through to him that we're probably better off going to bed. We go to bed and sleep.

Friday morning he's got a hell of a hang over. I'm demanding sex. I'm still horny from the night before and start grinding into him. I want to fuck him. I really did want to fuck him. I could see him thinking about it. I ask him whether I can. His answer is to get up and start blowing me off. I cum all over the place and he laps it all up. He lies back down and mentions that his head is still banging from bobbing up and down on my cock. He didn't want me to fuck him as he knew he needed to go to the loo - his stomach was off. There'll be other times for that, I know.

Wait a minute! Me wanting to fuck someone! Me having a hard cock so close to a willing ring! Maybe it was the pills, maybe it's just Michael being so god damn sexy, maybe I was just horny enough. Could I be getting over my psychological block about fucking other people? I hope so. 'Cos Michael and Mart are definately gonna get it if I am.

I have to go to work and I drop Michael in town with me. We park the car and he walks the way to the building with me. Outside the door we kiss. I'm not ashamed of being gay, or of public demonstrations of affection. I just know that some people in Manchester don't like to see two men kissing in public, so I try and avoid it. This morning, though, I wanted it. It was a bit passionate and I think I was still reeling a bit when I went into the building. Security noticed, I could tell, but I didn't give a shit.

We're all meeting later in Prague between 6.30 and 7 to go up to John and Chrissys for the party. I knew that Michael was already there getting things sorted out, so I wasn't going to see him until later. Chrissy is hyper when he and John arrive. The look on Johns face says it all. He's had a hard day. He loves Chris to pieces but Chris can be a handful. I found that out later.

Eventually we're all gathered and we make our way to the party. I share the taxi with Chrissy. John goes with others as John and Chris need to give directions. Chris doesn't stop talking, but I'm laughing at the things he's coming out with. I hardly know the lad but I like him already. Michael phones me while we're in transit. In a nutshell, I'm to keep my distance a bit when I first arrive. A bit strange? Chrissy asks what's happening. I tell him about what Michael said. 'oh, don't worry. Jamie's round. Michael broke him in last week. That's all. I'm having him tonight.' Jamie, it turns out, is 16 and can't make up his mind whether he's gay or not.

So we arrive. Michael's in the kitchen. Jamie's on the couch. I see Jamie as I go and find Michael. We kiss, passionately again. He hands me a spliff. It is huge. I ask him whether I'm supposed to light it or find somewhere to insert it. He giggles at the tampon joke and suggests that I'll enjoy it more if I light it. We go back to the living room. Within 10 minutes there were three large spliffs going round. This was going to be an interesting party.

A few hours in, Michael and I are in the middle of the floor: him stood up me crouched in front of him with his dick in my mouth. So I'm doing the live sex show bit. The exhibitionist in me is loving it, and especially so as I've got Michael there. I made a conscious effort not to look at Jamie. I didn't want it to look as if I was making Michael mine, though I knew I could have done. And I know that Michael wants things to get slightly more serious between us.

Chrissy's been hyper. Not stopped either fussing, talking, bitching, drinking, smoking. Your one-man-whirlwind. His present from John was a pair of dark blue hot pants. He came in to model them. Sadly not many people were watching so I went to get changed back again in a bit of a huff. Pity, he filled them very very nicely. Then it happened. Chrissy had been a bit too greedy with his drugs and had to go for a lie down. That was him out for the rest of the night. The party carried on regardless though.

Later on in the evening it got more interesting. There's Michael on one side of me, Jamie on the other and we're sat on the couch. It's getting towards bed time cos we're all knackered. Michael is just in his t-shirt under the sheet we're sharing with. Jamie has lost his jeans but is still in boxers and shirt. I'm fully dressed. But not for long. Michael gets up, and takes my jeans and jock strap off (he he! you just knew that was gonna be there!) Then he starts sucking me and eating my arsehole. Jamie comments that he used to do that to him. Michael directs me to Jamie's cock. I go to rub it through his boxers. He doesn't flinch. Somehow we all get covered by the sheet again and Michael is sat next to me. I have his cock in one hand and Jamie's in the other. Jamie has hold of me. His descision. So who doesn't know if he's gay?

Eventually I get him to get out of his shirt and lose the boxers. He does, willingly. I bend across and begin to suck him off. He likes that. When I come up again, Michael begins to do his thing to me again. Jeff is kneeling behind Michael and taking great interest in what is going on. Hmm. Naughty thoughts.

I tell Michael at one point to stop doing me, and to suck Jamie's dick. He does. Jeff's eyes go wide. Somehow I don't think Jeff is going to join in, though I wouldn't have minded. Then Michael drags me onto the floor, on my back and hold my legs in the air. I know what's coming and brace for impact. He's inside me. For the first time, he's balls deep and it feels great. Jamie falls asleep while he's watching Michael fuck me silly. Jeff is turned on so much that he starts to play with his boyf. I have to stop with the fucking and I know I'm about to crash. Late night last night and hard day at work meant that I knew I had to sleep. I get Michael to pull out and we curl up on the floor to sleep.

How do you get five gay men in a bad mood first thing in the morning? Wake them up to the fucking 'Teletubbies' at six o'clock in the morning. Yes, that's what we were roused by. Some daft cunt had left the TV on all night. We're all awake by 8am and all in the living room.

I'm back on the couch between Jamie and Michael. Jamie starts wank me again, like last night. I reciprocate. We're covered by a sheet and I think most people knew what was going on under the covers. Chrissy's milling around asking about what he missed. He gets to feeling sorry that he missed so much. Jamie whispers that he's about to cum. I tell him that I am as well. Just at that point, Chrissy grabs the sheet and pulls. I explode all over my chest and Jamie all over my hand. Everyone sees. Michael grabs some tissue for us to mop up with and starts giggling about the situation. I'm a little embarassed, but ok about it. Chrissy has an evil look in his eyes. One that tells me that that won't be the last time he sees me naked and horny.

The rest of Saturday is a wash out. I'm shattered. I got very horny thoughts and memories. Including this mad idea about me, Michael, Jamie, and Jeff and boyf.

I'm a bad bad bad bad Homeboi. But I know you love me.

I get home late on Wednesday afternoon and tell Pete about Michaels invite. He's not happy. I hadn't made up my mind whether I was going or not but he was convinced I'd already confirmed my presence. He starts getting all huffy with me and I'm not in any mood for it. I'm knackered after the training and just want to rest up for the evening.

In the end we go out for pizza and go to the cinema. First time we've done that in a long time. We end up watching 'The Day After Tomorrow'. It's a good film and I enjoy it, even though I end up crying part way through it. Not sure what it is, but I appear to be becoming a bit of an emotional old cow when it comes to disaster movies. I just hate the waste of life, it really gets to me and upsets me.

Pete's still pressing me for an answer about Friday. I know he doesn't want me to go. But it's only because he'll be at a lose end until Saturday. And he's jealous about me spending the night there with Michael. He can't give me a reason not to go. I'm still undecided.

Actually, it's more serious than just hating them. I have a very violent allergic reaction to them. It's not funny. Green may be my favourite colour but I don't like looking green (truly I change colour) and being stuck with projectile vomiting and shitting at the same time. I always make a point of asking whether anything I eat contains mushrooms. I was assured the Caneloni at lunch was mushy-free. Part way through eating it, someone noticed before I did. Oh shit!

I managed about an hour before the fatigue and cold set in (that's the first stage) and said I needed to go and lie down. The next stage is the projectile bodily functions. To be missed at all cost, it's not pretty. I slept for about two hours. I've just woken up.

Still feel like crap but at least I can stand up without wanting to fall over. I'm just grey in colour now. I can live with that.

I’ve never been a morning person. Today is no exception. It’s hard work getting up, getting dressed, having breakfast with a load of people you don’t know and trying to be friendly and happy. All I want to do is go back to bed. But no. I got to work. It’s a twelve hour day today and I know I’m gonna be knackered at the end of it all. Still I’m looking forward to the money at the end of it all. It’s paying for Mardi Gras this year, probably. That reminds me, must get a ‘dance card’ sorted for that. Kyle and Mart will be in Paris then and I can’t believe that Kyle was half inviting me to go with them. Seems like the things that Mart and I are telling him are being believed. I reserve judgement on whether I think it wise to go to Paris with them.

It’s been a hard day, I’m knackered and can only just see to type this up. So I’m in bed in my room for the next two nights on my new laptop from work – can’t remember if I mentioned. It’s got a DVD drive, so I’ve brought along my first piece of DVD porn: SkaterBoys. What can I say that hasn’t been said before? I’m really pleased with the laptop and the porn. It’s very horny and the lads in it are well endowed and well fit, especially a certain one! I can’t watch it all in one go, so it’s going to take a few sessions to enjoy it completely, if you understand.

Nighty-night. Pete hasn’t rung, but he said he might go out to that pub in Stockport. I was gonna ring Michael (he rang this evening) but it’s too late to now. I’ll have to ring him tomorrow and sort out Thursday and Friday. Think I might need a PA (personal assistant, not Prince Albert) to deal with my calendar. I can’t keep track. Mart would be good at that, and very good at punishing me if I miss appointments. Wishful thinking and naughty thoughts.

I’m feeling better now. I was right. All I needed was to get into the swing of the training. Don’t feel as bad. Popped to the loo mid-session and saw I’d got a message from Michael. Seems like he’s just got a new bed and wants me to help him ‘try it out for comfort and things’ when he’s put it together. So what? He lives miles away. Can I seriously refuse an offer like that? Tee hee hee. I think not!

Also, must find out whether Michael has Jeff’s new mobile number. He was in the process of changing it when Jeff and I exchanged numbers. Not that I want Michael to think he’s got competition… ‘cos there is no contest. And anyway, Michael got Jeff’s numbers at the same time he got mine.

I’m working away again for the next three days. Training. That’s me training other people. I really don’t feel like being here. I’m not unwell, just would rather be at home. All the equipment is sorted, everything is working (I think) just me that’s not functioning properly. I’ll probably relax and get into it when the training starts. I got about 15 minutes.

Maybe its because I’ve spent the weekend with Mart staying over. OK, so Pete was there, and Marts’ new fella was there for one night. Just being in the same room with Mart at the moment is all it takes for him to turn me on. It’s the smile, the way he talks and the mischievous look in his eyes when he looks at me.

Also got a text from Michael this morning. First contact I’ve had with him in a while. He’s coming to Manc on Thursday and was asking whether I fancied meeting up. There’s a party on Friday that he wants to take me to. Don’t know about the party yet, but I really do fancy seeing him on Thursday. Actually, I fancy being a really dirty slut on Thursday and having a nice slow sexy session with Michael, Jeff and Jeff’s new/old (complicated story, I think) fella Gary. Just have to wait and see how it all pans out. Mmm. After all, I was very good for all of last week so surely I’m allowed my extravagance?

Well this weekend has been mainly spent getting stoned. A very good pastime if you ask me. I've had Pete round, Mart round and his new fella. I sat next to Mart at one point and really wanted to strip him naked there and then. We agreed earlier today that there were two too many people with us, again.

I away Monday through Wednesday next week. Training again. No rest for the wicked.

When I woke up, first job is to text Kyle and Mart. I Kyle whether he was ok and to tell me that he got to work alright. A simple 'yes' came back. Aww poor baby, he's not gonna have a good day. I receive a message from Mart - from about 3am the previous night - saying he saw my 'longhair' in Cruz, only he doesn't have the hair anymore. It's much later in the day that I find out that Mart is ok. Me, well I'm feeling fine. I have to go to work, but I'm feeling good. Pete arrives just as I'm about to leave. I appologise that I can't stop to talk and leave.

When I come back in the afternoon Pete's on the phone to Mart. It's arranged that we're going to pick him up from home, go and get some weed, and then he's spending the weekend with us. I have things to do so we set a time when we're gonna collect him - 5pm.

In the car to get the weed Mart is in the back and I'm driving. The weather is horrendous, it does nothing but rain. I comment about how last night's showers made me feel. I was wearing a sleeveless top and the gentle beating of the rain on my arms as we went from pub to pub was a huge turn on, blame it on the pills. Mart and I keep looking at each other in the rear view mirror. We both know what the other is thinking. Pete is sat next to me, clueless.

It's very late when we get back. We call at the Chip Shop for tea. At home we eat, share a single spliff and go to bed. We're all knackered and I just can't take my eyes of Mart. We go to sleep.

Maybe it was the fall-out from Wednesday night but I wasn't all together there for work on Thursday. There were so many things I'd forgotten to do, bring, prepare. It proved to be a difficult day. I did feel like the person who causes more problems than they solve. But I got through the day, and I suppose all told it was a good day of work.

Mart and Kyle had rung Pete about going out. Pete phoned me at work to ask whether I was going out or not. I didn't know at the time. I wanted to make that decision when I got home. Pete was non-plussed. He didn't want to go out and cause a scene if I was there and did something he didn't like. I told him that we'd just have to be adult about it, but that I didn't even know if I was going out. I was also in the middle of trying to model data in a work database that was pissing me off. So I probably did get a little curt with him.

So I get home about 7pm and ring Mart. His mobile goes straight over to voice mail. I ring Kyle. He's in the middle of trying to relay his cover story to his ex. I become a partner in crime on that one! I sort out meeting arrangements with Kyle. I ring Mart on the house phone. Obviously, if he's going out he's gonna be getting ready at home. Doh! I then make arrangements with Mart. Mart happens to mention that he's getting some little drops of happiness, but that I'll have to be on my best behaviour as he's bringing someone out with him. I'm cool with that, I don't own him and we've got all the time in the world for each other.

I start to get myself ready. The phone starts going like crazy. First its Kyle, then Mart, then Kyle again. All the plans change. I'm not meeting Kyle in town, he's coming here. Mart is not bringing anyone with him, but he's delayed anyway. Either way, we'll all meet together in Thompsons.

I was just about to give up on Kyle and make my way into town when he comes in through the front door. He starts a new job the following morning. He's gushing about it. I think he's looking forward to it. We catch the bus in. Mart is already in Thompsons when we arrive.

As usual, we pass the usual looks. Pass the flirty comments. At one stage Mart turns round and tells me I'm sexy, I ask him whether he's describing me or himself, he smiles. He knows that I think he's sexy. Very sexy. Kyle meets up with the lad who was swinging me around the dancefloor the day I got my nipple pierced. I now know his name, Dean. He was looking as good as ever. Kyle was flirting terribly with him. Seems like he has a huge crotch. Dean was talkative with me, and I know I wouldn't mind a slice of that but my attention was focussed elsewhere (like you need three guesses?)

As we left Thompsons - we were going to Churchills - Kyle turned round and mentioned that 'Dean could munch on his burrito anyday'. We all giggled. Mart mentioned about having nice things in mail boxes, and I came out with the 'You've Got Male' line. We walked down the street in hysterics. It wasn't that funny. Churchills was fun. Kyle saw his ex, got embarassed. I told him 'welcome to the world of the naughty schoolgirl'. Mart pissed his sides laughing.

Then came the talk of the pills. Kyle was starting a new job the following morning. 'I don't want to get too wasted', he says. I tell him to only take half, but he's having none of it. He's also worried about getting home later. 'You'll look after me', he tells me. Of course I will, both of them know that much. I suggest Kyle comes home with me, he worries about going home and getting his clothes for work, so I tell him that I've got the car now so it's not a problem. Kyle turns round and says that it's ok for us to sleep together 'but we're not having sex'. So I explain that I'm gonna get horny, he's gonna get horny, 'so why don't you just bone me now?' Kyle's expression is a picture. Not one of horror, but of shock that I'd say something like that. He didn't seem uninterested, anyway.

We change venue again, to the Union. Thats where we drop. Mart's on the dancefloor. When he's not flirting with me, he's dancing with some old friends from where he grew up. Periodically he'll come over, say something, give me that firey look, a quick peck, and he's off dancing again. That's Mart, always dancing, always on the move. The disco version of 'Singing in the Rain' comes on. 'She doesn't know what she's dancing to', Kyle gestures. We watch for a moment. 'Just watch when she realises'. Mart's just getting into the groove when the main vocal comes in. Realisation dawns. Mart stands stock still, horrified, he looks across, his face says 'you complete pair of bitches, how can you let me dance to that!'. Me and Kyle are hysterical and have to use the barrier to the dancefloor to hold ourselves up.

The three of us are just starting to come up and Mart states that he's going to Cruz. He wants us both to come, but Kyle's thinking about his new job, and I don't really fancy Cruz. I actually fancy Hollywood but I know that Kyle can't get in there so that's out of the question. Before Mart leaves he gives me a full on snog. I'm liking that. Kyle just looks and shakes his head. Reeling from the afterglow I stagger back to Kyle. He passes some comment about Mart being a handful, I just grunt, contentedly. Mart knows I want him, I know Mart wants me. Kyle asks for confirmation that we've only slept with each other the one time. I give him the confirmation, knowing that it's a lie, knowing that it would cause serious complications if Kyle knew the real truth. I hate having to lie, but I know that I have to.

Not quite sure of all that happens next. I remember going into Via Fossa, we probably danced downstairs. I know we ended up in a practically empty Thompsons. Kyle wanted cock. I wouldn't have said no to some cock but I wasn't desperate for it. I could tell by the way Kyle was looking around that he wanted a man. We left Thompsons to go home. On the way to the taxi Kyle says that he's not going for a taxi but to the sauna. I half think about going with him, but know it's a bad idea. I tell him to be careful, watch what he's doing and give him a big hug and kiss. I also promise to text him tomorrow morning to make sure he's ok. I head for a taxi.

When I get home, I'm horny. Without a man - which I didn't want a man - I resorted to porn. Fuck knows what I watched, but I know I didn't cum. Think I gave up halfway through and went to bed.

It's about 5.15 when I get home from work. Pete's been here most of the day stripping the paper off the bathroom - his decision to decorate. He's worked hard and I know it's gonna look good when its finished but I hate having to live on a building site. I don't know what it is about the guy, but everything he does like that seems to entail creating as much mess as possible. Maybe its just me being picky.

So about fifteen minutes after I get in he asks me what I want to do that night. I've had one of those days where I'm all over the place (geographically speaking) so I don't really fancy doing anything. He suggests going out 'for half an hour'. I'm honest and tell him that I really don't fancy it and he begins to get a bit stroppy. I relent, after all, it is a nice evening, he's worked hard and I'm not that knackered. So we go out.

While we're getting changed he starts talking to me, saying he's a bit worried about me. Seems he's got it into his head that I'm a bit too quick to jump into bed with the first person I see. I explain that I'm actually not that easy a lay and I don't just go with anyone. I am very choosy, well, for the most part. Then we get to the nub of the issue. He's worried about me picking up STDs and putting myself at risk of infection. I understand his concerns and told him that I knew that in my position an infection that he might pick up might make him feel lousy for a few days, or might cause discomfort, but for me it might get a bit more serious. I emphasised to him that if I do get something I get it sorted before it becomes a problem. He seems happy that I know what I'm going on about and am in control of my life and my body. This was all prefaced by a statement that he doesn't mind me having sex with other people. Truth is that he does, he does feel jealous about it, and wishes it was him.

So, out in the village and we're having a reasonably good time. In Thompsons we talk over his current state of mind. He's got big issues with himself, low self-esteem and all that, and knows that he needs a big kick to sort himself out. He finds it difficult to focus on the positive aspects of his life and seems to prefer to dwell on the negative. Some people are like that. I used to be. 'Why would anyone want a fat fucker like me? Just what have I got going for me?' he said at one point. So I told him about how I was in November on the evening I got my diagnosis. Sat on the couch, fetal position, saying to myself (out loud) who's going to want me now, now I'm a dirty, rancid, infected cunt. For the most part I feel better about myself now more than I ever have done before in my life. I felt compelled to get this through to him. 'It's all about a positive mental attitude, if you feel good about yourself inside, it shows on the outside' I said. But he still maintained that he needed that 'kick' and pointed out that my kick had been my diagnosis. He has a point. One thing I've discovered through all the reading about HIV and the people afflicted surviving with it is that the diagnosis has spurred us on to bigger and better things. Made us do the things we only dreamed of. Because we know our limitations, because we know we're not going to last as long as we originally thought it makes us more emphatic about living and making each day and each moment count. It's back to that 'life is for living in happiness' quote. This poz puppy has good days, I have bad days. There are the days when I have to convince myself that everything is good. It's not living a lie, its trying to make the best things and the good things shine through. It's all about feeling good.

The conversation was a bit heavy, but we were ok about it. We went into Churchills and had a few drinks and a bit of a bop and then we decided to go to the Union. Maybe that was a bad call. It was busy, it was karaoke (it was Wednesday, Tranny Night, hello!?!). I asked Pete what day it was. I was confused. So we watched a bit of it and heard a few people crucify a couple of Elvis records and then retired to the side, to chat.

And then that's when it happened. I saw a lad, about my age, in a wheelchair. Nothing wrong with that, you may think. And indeed, there is nothing wrong with that. Apart from the fact that a little over 12 months ago I went with that lad, then a few weeks afterwards I saw him, in the chair and he looked really bad. I mean, really bad. He's as scrawny as me anyway, but then he looked more painfully thin and withered. Got to say he's looking better now, stronger, healthier, happier. He saw me, but it didn't register. But I'd clocked him and was reminded of an answer to a question I didn't think mattered.

We moved from there back to Churchills. I tried to pull myself together, forget what I was thinking. Tried to do all the things I tried to get Pete to do earlier, but it wasn't working too well. I was different. Most people wouldn't have noticed, but I did, and Pete did. We still had a good time in Churchills, and maybe I was starting to pull myself out when the lad in the chair arrived. Pete commented, when he saw him, that that was what he liked to see, someone enjoying themselves despite their physical impairment. I looked across, he looked back. There was an initial shock in his face. I'd registered. Then he nodded and smiled. Falsely, I smiled back. I didn't want to be there anymore. The look of shock confirmed what I thought before.

When we got home Pete questioned me about why I had changed during the night. I asked him if it was in the Union that I'd changed. He said yes. I tried to be generalised about it, and mentioned the lad in the wheelchair. I didn't want to have to spell it out. He wasn't getting it. I tried again, and he still didn't understand. I was gonna have to spell it out to him. I took a deep breath and began. I explained that I'd been with him last year. Pointed out the chronology, and noted that I went with him around the time I was infected. We didn't fuck. It was blow jobs, and to completion which is something I don't normally do. I've always liked to finish what I start, but I suffer periodically with very bad gingivitus. Have done for years. Always flairs up when I get stressed. So I don't allow anyone to cum in my mouth because its always difficult to determine whether my gums are good or bad. I do remember that I was a bit upset that he had cum in me, but thought nothing more of it. I know they say that oral sex is low risk, but if your oral health is not up to scratch then the level of risk is increased.

Needless to say I got a bit emotional. Very emotional actually. It was a combination of the realisation and having to explain it all. Pete apologised for me going through it, I don't think he needed to. I know I didn't have to tell him, but I did want to explain why I changed. It did upset me. Pete kept telling me that I was too strong to fall apart in that way. He's right. I am, but it's sometimes too easy to knock me.

Maybe I'm silly for getting worked up by all that. I really don't know. I'd always believed that I didn't know who gave this to me and I didn't want to know. Maybe I did need to know. I'm not the kind of person to start throwing acusations around. That's not my style. It's not that I wanted a name, I don't know what his name is. I don't want to point fingers, I don't want someone to blame. Just wanted to know.

I had a great time on Tuesday night. We ended up getting drunk (Mart a little more than me) and dancing naked around his living room. And I think we blew the bass-end of the stereo system he's looking after for someone (oops!)

We tried the sex thing, but it wasn't happening that night - he went down on me and I think he took a little too much too soon. The poor baby spent a lot of the night curled over the toilet. So all we did was cuddle and sleep.

The situation gets interesting. We're having an affair. Officially, it's an affair as Mart has started to see someone. That's all hush hush at the moment, but not quite as hush hush as us. We got to talking about Kyle. The way he acts with Mart has changed. We've both noticed it. Even Marts flatmate has noticed it. We're all convinced he's jealous, he's never liked to miss out on anything. Kyle has picked up on the way that Mart and I were looking at each other over the weekend. I'm going to have to watch my step on that one. Or alternatively, I could always go and bone Kyle! (joke)

I've arranged with Mart to call over after we've both finished work. We had some saucy text message action on Saturday night and planned it there. Along the lines of 'next time I see you on your own I'm gonna rip your knickers off with my teeth and fuck you like a bastard. ps. I know you don't normally wear them but I'm still gonna fuck you like a bastard.'

The eye contact and flirting were incredible. I don't think I've ever been as turned on and felt so horny just with someone looking at me. I know I'm gonna get it big time, and so is he.

We went round to Marts last night, Kyle came too. Pete recounted the story about the pub in Stockport. Hearing the full story makes me believe I got it wrong, and Pete heard it wrong. In other words, not wishing to blow my own trumpet (though hell knows I wish I could), I think it was me alone that was referred to as 'trade-a-licious'.

Pete's been over this weekend. It's been a mixture of good times and arguments in equal measure. Most of it's probably been my fault. So, I took him shopping. We'd seen a nice sleeveless t-shirt that he fancied earlier in the week and I said I'd think about buying it for him.

Well seen as the credit card came through a few days ago I decided to get it for him, along with a few other things. So, £90-odd later we walk out with a new baseball cap each, sleeveless t-shirt each and new white trackies each. Even if I say it myself, I look pretty fucking hot! And Pete does as well, actually. He kept saying, as we got changed in the car park 'am I scally enough for you now?'

The shopping was done in Stockport and there was a pub he'd fancied visiting because it was gay and so we went for a visit. All dressed up in the new gear, windows down on the car, stereo pumped (nearly) full up (fuck I never realised that system could get so loud) we arrived. The pub was empty, well it was only 3.30 but every eye followed us as we wandered in.

The barman commented just before we were leaving that we were both 'trade-e-licious!' I think I got a pretty good idea what that means, he was pretty nice as well, and it might have something to do with me showing my back and rubbing my arse in the new trackies that had something to do with it. Either way, I've never been called that before. I kinda like it.

Just arrived back from the Hospital. This was one visit I was not looking forward to. Everyone has been asking me how I'm doing and how I'm feeling, my stock response has just been that I'm fine provided I don't think about it. That's been accepted and nobody has pressed any further.

My Manager gave me a big hug yesterday afternoon and told me not to worry about it. Mart rang this morning and wished me good luck and Pete said the same as we entered the hospital. It's been hard for him this morning. He knew I was working from home, downstairs on the laptop, not very conversational. I know, distraction, it kinda worked and I was fine up until about 2pm (my appointment being 3.45). Much of my conversation has involved the phrase 'I'm not thinking/talking about it' or an assertive 'shut up'. Bless him, he's not complained and he understands how its been. He knew that all it would have taken was one word and I would have not gone to the hospital, I'd even have turned around up to the point of checking in, after checking in I would have considered myself committed.

So, to the results (fanfare please....) CD4 314, V-L 49,700.

I saw someone new as well, Carol, who gave me the results. She said that my cholesterol was better than good, 'in fact, you're sickeningly healthy!' That one statement just made me feel so much better. Maybe I've not put in here quite how wretched I've felt but there have been times when I've been pretty low. I've disguised it with the distractions, done quite a good job on the surface, but I know I've not fooled everyone all the time.

Mart was working but I still wanted to break the good news, so I did it by text message:

'Listen. I got stories. Hi babe, good news, I'm not pregnant and my counts are good, in fact I'm sickeningly healthy!'

He responded shortly afterwards:

very good and we know that mighty mick isnt going to b a dad and ive got good news ive got more day shifts and im not pregnant x

Next appointments in about three months. So pleased the worry is over. I have to learn something from this: not only that I need to learn how to cope when the inevitable arrives; but also that whilst I might really enjoy my hectic social life and having my arse in the air as often as I do, that maybe I need to cool it from time to time and let myself recharge. So don't think that the hot and horny antics are going to stop (absolutely no fucking way), and don't think I'm gonna stop writing about them. I need to understand that I need to accept the lulls and quiet parts of the party as much as the high-flying times. I can do that. I know I can.

As a teacher said to me when I left primary school: 'Life is for living in happiness'. And that's a line I've always remembered. What's the point of living if I can't be happy in what I'm doing?

Yup. It's that time again. Tomorrow I go to (hopefully, this time) see Margaret at the hospital. So tomorrow night I'm either going to be in a good mood or suicidal. Let's hope its the former.

Mart: well wot can i say about last night and paul gets on my nerves

Me: Indeed. It was very naughty, but there were 2 to many ppl. if ya know wot i mean! You turned me on like crazy. Paul seems ok, but ur heart's not there.

Mart: no it isnt and u turned me on to your good at that

Me: well, i try. but ur so sexy it's so hard not to want to tear ur clothes off. Mmm. Pervy thoughts.

[I'd noticed a rash on Marts chest similar to one I'd had. I've got cream for it, but also dandruff shampoo works. I sent him a message about that]

Mart: has the skinhead done me justice if so we ll have to meet up and you can bring the cream and you can try some of mine yum yum x

Me: oo ur being v naughty. but don't stop. love the skinhead. wanna run my fingers all over it, and the rest of u. can't wait to get u again.

Mart: well the cars fixed now u can call over whenever u want u only need to ask cant wait to have your fingers bet u cant wait for mine but ill be using mine for something different x

Me: u bet right. i'll make sure to ask next time ur off and we'll let our fingers do the walking and talking. Cant use our mouths cos they'll be too busy. Cant use my legs cos they'll be wrapped around u

Sunday was a day of every-changing arrangements. The only thing that didn't change was that I was due to meet Marts current boyf. Originally we were supposed to be going for a Chinese buffet, then we were supposed to be doing a picnic in the park thing, then we were just going out for the afternoon. What actually happened was that Pete and I went round to Marts and, well, just stayed there. Ok, so a few bottles of cheap wine and a couple of joints kinda made us think that getting ready to go out was too much like hard work. So we went to ASDA, bottle of vodka, crate of beer, two bottle of Coke and we were sorted.

Paul, Mart's boyf walked near me while we were in ASDA. Apparently he'd been really nervous at meeting me. I told him that I'm largely harmless and don't bite that often. That seemed to make him feel better. I think he was scared of making a bad first impression. He seems a nice lad, but Mart, being Mart has mixed feelings.

The house was hot, and I mean very hot. It was already planned that we would be stopping over so we packed the usual kind of thing. I'd wanted to pack my football shorts, just in case we did the picnic thing but was pursuaded otherwise. I kicked myself now. I asked Mart if he had a pair of shorts I could borrow. He was already in some sexy tight blue ones. He was about to give them to me when Pete came into the bedroom to get down to his boxers so instead I had his baggy grey ones - the ones I extracted him from the first time we slept together. The really funny thing was that as I was getting dressed that morning I nearly put my lucky copping knickers on, but decided against it. So, there's four of us, sitting in shorts or boxers and nothing else. Oh, I kept my cap on.

Now Pete is pretty well endowed, and there was rather a tasty bulge in the front of his boxers. Paul couldn't avoid looking at it - most people have that problem. I was able to hide under the folds of the shorts, but Paul also appeared to fill his boxers pretty well. I kept noticing that Paul was looking at me. Not the usual kind of look, the one that's a bit more involved. You know the one. I tried to disregard it. I'd already told Mart that whatever happens between us, I couldn't and wouldn't stand in the way of any boyfriend of his.

At one point Mart and Paul started kissing and getting touchy-feely. I looked, watched and thought it was a nice sight. Ok, I was a teeny bit jealous, but not that much. I went to get myself another drink. Mart followed me into the kitchen 'Oh, I so want you right now!' he hissed and I could see the passion and fire in his eyes. The boy meant it, I knew he meant it, and he knew I did. I told him that I wanted him as well. We had a quick snog - didn't want to get caught. I returned with my drink and he went to the loo.

We'd got CD's playing, the alcohol was flowing freely, and we were all just tuned in the right amount. Something came on and Pete and Mart started dancing. It was a bit flirty and close so I just looked and smiled. Paul stood up, looked at me, and mouthed 'we'll show them'. He extended his hand for me to stand, so I did, and we began to dance. I couldn't help but notice the bone sticking out of the front of his boxers. So, yes, I did rub up against him and 'it' a bit. I didn't want to wind him up, I didn't want to cause a scene, but just wanted to test a theory that had come to mind. It was about the looks he was giving me. It was working. I hate to say this, but if Mart and Pete hadn't been there I could quite easily have picked this one up. Nothing much happened as Pete decided to be a bit of an arsehole and start querying why I never danced with him like that. I shrugged it off, he never danced with me the way he did with Mart.

The song went off, we all sat down and started talking again. Some of the conversation was smutty - one of my kinds of humour - and kept reminding me of Michael. In fits of giggles I kept hurrying off the to the loo, not to do anything, just to cool off and try and stave the giggles. One time as I was coming back I,again, ran into Mart. 'You know what would be happening if they weren't there. Can you think of a way to get rid of them?' I replied that I knew exactly what would be happening but that we couldn't just fuck them off this time, unfortunately. As I went past him to return to the others he slipped his hands up the backs of the legs of the shorts, gave my buttocks a quick squeeze and slid a finger over my cunt hole. I stopped in my tracks, took a deep breath and hoped that I hadn't moaned too loudly. Mart just had that evil grin on his face, the one I'm starting to love more and more.

Now bearing in mind that this was the first time Pete and I had met Paul, what happened later is a bit strange. Don't ask me how it all got started 'cos I really can't work it out. But Mart and Paul started getting sexual, and Pete and I started getting sexual. This was quite openly done in front of each other. It was quite stimulating. Mart kept looking over at me giving me a look to say I know you'd much rather be doing that to me than Pete. So there was a sub-plot to the main feature, but isn't that always the way? I know that we all ended up on the floor in our respective couplings. With anyone else it would have turned into a full-scale orgy, part of me wishes it had, other parts are glad it didn't. Not a good first impression that Mother likes to get fucked by Daughter, is it? I know I had my head near to Paul's, and turned towards him, I raised a hand over my head and found one arm and one leg I don't know which one belonged to Paul and which one belonged to Mart. Pete was oblivious at the time, he was too busy noshing me. From this point on the sexual play came in dribs and drabs, but the sex play was intense each time.

It came to bed time. I was flagging - mixture of being stoned, pissed and horny but not able to do much about it - and wanted to sleep. I wanted to get a fag of Mart, he said to come into the bedroom in a few minutes. So I gave Paul and Mart a few moments to get into bed, then I followed. Cheekily, Mart said that I was to come back in when I'd got bored with Pete. Paul seemed well up for some of that. I just said that I might and went back to Pete. We smoked the fag and went to sleep.

This morning, when we'd all woken up as discussed the previous nights antics. None of us are ashamed at what happened, though Mart was a bit surprised that he'd been completely naked at one point and that Paul had been openly riding his dick. Also surprisingly, none of us had a hangover, and we had shifted quite a lot of alcohol between us. I'm having to stop myself from having naughty thoughts about Paul and Mart especially as Mart has shaved his head again and he just knows how much of a turn on I find that. He's promising to just wear his trackies next time he comes over. They won't stay on for long if I have my way.

These came from Michael. Tee hee hee...

While on the train home (10.08)...

I've just got a hard on thinking about you last night. This morning was lovely. Pervy dirty thoughts! Mind you getting some strange looks as its sticking out

later (10.51)

I only just managed to catch my train i'm still so euphoric from this morning spaced right out lovely jubbly cummy on your tummy can't wait till next time

that night (18.46)

yo sexy when you gonna send me a mucky pervy text? i'm saving all my spunk just for you! got myself a nice bit of something for when we next meet up

So I went on a date with Michael. I didn't wear the dog collar in the end. I'm gonna save that for another time and place. When I said I'd meet Michael I knew it was a date, but I never thought that it was real date. I thought it was going to be the usual kind of thing: meet up in the pub, have a few drinks, chat with everyone, have a bit of a dance and then go home and fuck like bunnies. No, this was a proper date. And I kinda enjoyed it, well, quite a lot to be honest.

I got back from work about 4-ish and sent him a text message, curious about what time we were meeting. I found it a bit strange that he'd not been in contact earlier, but these things happen I suppose. The plan was for him to get the 6.15 train at his end that would get to Manchester about 7.30. I got to know this about 6pm! So there's me, mad dash to get ready. In the end I wore jeans, my 'rent boy' t-shirt (they say it make me look like a rent boy) with my white jacket and white cap. I looked OK, but nothing special. Made it to the station in plenty of time.

While I'm waiting I send him a text message, just knowing that he's gonna arrive before my message does. I tell him I'm at the station, where I'm waiting and that I just can't wait for him to arrive. Next minute, my phone goes, it's Michael. He's just gone through Stockport so he's not gonna be long. He asks me whether I'd eaten, I hadn't, so he said that was good as he fancied taking me for a meal, maybe a quick drink and then back home. That was cool with me. Javine's 'Surrender' was playing over the tannoy, yes I started singing along. Fuck the funny looks, I was just a nutter enjoying myself and having very naughty thoughts.

Shortly after, I saw him wandering towards the concourse. He was beaming widely when he saw me and I know I was as well. We flung our arms around each other and kissed. I don't normally do that kind of thing in public, but I didn't care at this point. We set out walking from the station chatting about our days and deciding where to go to eat. Seems he'd not eaten all day, and I hadn't either. We settled on an Italian in Piccadilly. The meal was wonderful, we both had a Spinish and Riccotta Canneloni and shared a salad. I don't normally go for salads, but this one was delicious, washed down with a bottle of red. There was a very cute waiter there, could only have been about 20, Michael wanted to 'terrorize' him but our waitress was being protective. Maybe that was a good idea.

After the meal I suggested going for a drink, but he said he'd much rather go home. That was fine, being with him was making me feel horny so I knew that the sooner I got him home the sooner we'd begin to play. Two coffees and more chat as we sat side by side on my couch. He rolled a spliff which we then shared. I'd had the heating turned up earlier on to dry my underwear so the house was very hot. Michael commented on it, saying that I'd done it on purpose. He removed his top. Mmmm. very nice. I noticed that he'd got tattoos, I'd never seen them before. Eventually, and it was a long process, we ended up naked sat facing with our legs over each other. He started to massage my leg and foot. We did a lot of kissing and he did a lot of caressing.

Now I'd already seen Michael's sexual pipe work so didn't think that it was going to shock me. Well, I've seen my fair share of cocks over the years and can usually guess how big one is going to be from its soft state. Michael has the biggest cock I've ever seen on a white man. He is huge: long and thick. You don't expect that from skinny runts like us. I was beginning to realise why he needed me to relax before anything happened. We went up to bed and the fun began.

Michael launched himself at my left tit, and began to flick the ring with his tongue. I'd never let anyone play with it yet, so he christened it. He asked me what I liked to have done to it so I told him that it was still fairly new and no one had played with it. He said that he'd better leave it alone then, for the moment. Then he kissed his way down my chest and stomach and pounced on my throbbing bone. He'd already got me worked up mentally, and this was the first physical volley. It was perfectly executed, and he knew it.

He was still between my legs. He raised them to access my hole and began to play with it with his tongue. I seem to be spending more and more time on my head and shoulders with my legs and arse in the air these days. I was then lowered back to the bed and he moved to begin easing himself into my puckered hole. This was gonna take some time, but I knew I was gonna love it.

He lined up the head with the hole and gently pushed. The lips slowly began to part. It was like hell trying to get it in. I wanted it so much but I needed to get used to the width. He got the entire head in and began to slowly rock it in and out. My head went into orbit. I could feel the fire in my hole and I wanted more and more of it. Michael lifted my legs so they were over his shoulders, unfortunately he came out of me at the time. I moaned, you know that unhappy moan when you suddenly feel empty inside. He tried penetrating me again. There was a loud 'pop' as the ridge of his dick head passed through my lips. He stayed motionless, his expression was one of 'ouch, I didn't mean to hurt you'. He asked whether I was ok, I replied to the affirmative, it was only that that sounded like it should have hurt.

We set up a good rhythm and I was able to slide my legs down to his sides and I know I began trying to pull more of him into me. He stopped at one point and said 'just reach around and find out how much is still left to go in'. I did. I'd managed to take about half of his length and I felt full up. Completely filled. He slowly pushed a few millimetres more into me. I moaned, and squeezed his cock with my arse, he felt the resistance and pushed a little more. I knew I wasn't gonna be able to take him all this time, but next time I knew we'd work on that.

It was one of those fucks that you enjoy, and you really don't want to end. We positioned so that his knees were under my back, I had a leg either side of him and was raising myself up and down on his meat. He grasped my cock and began to wank it. I'd been trying to avoid doing that as I knew I'd cum and I didn't want to then, I was just so turned on. I came. Probably the largest load of my life, didn't miss a beat and didn't want him to come out of me. Sooner or later I knew it would have to come out - feels like I'm eating cactus otherwise. He asked me to start feeding him my spunk while he was still fucking me. I scooped up a dollop and put my fingers in his mouth. Hungrily he slurped it off my fingers. It was quite a turn on. I scooped up a few more dollops until he decided that he wanted to lick some off me. Don't ask me how, but he never missed a beat. Then he started just licking my hand, trying to make sure that my hand was a clean as could be.

Cactus time came and he could see that I was a bit uncomfortable. I left him to clean myself up a bit, came back and began to eat the monster sausage that was sticking out of my bed. I knew I wasn't going to be able to make him cum that way but I had a good go anyway. I licked my way to one of his pierced nipples (nips like football studs) and he told me what he liked to be done to them. The more pressure I used, the more he moaned. I started to kiss him passionately as I wanted to send him into overdrive. It worked and I was rewarded with a nice healthy load. We cleaned up, turned the light out and started to natter before going to sleep.

I woke just before he did the following morning. I looked at him, he's gorgeous. I had a big grin on my face when he came to. 'What you smiling at?' he asked. 'You', I said. 'Why?', 'Hmm, pervy thoughts.' I winked. He rolled on to his side, 'I know what you want.' And I cuddled up to him, we kissed, I rolled over and he started to penetrate me again. I'd tightened up a bit over night but he was still able to get in. It's not often I want a good hard fuck before going to a meeting at work, but I really wanted it this morning. After we'd finished, lying there in the afterglow, he said 'you're gonna be missing me by midday'. I told him that I knew that already. It was already pretty clear that this was not going to be a one night stand. I have to admit, I like nice people and if the sex is good then they are pretty much guaranteed a second ride, but I have to like the person.

I had to be in the office for 10am, so we left the house about quarter-to. I'd already offered to give him a lift to the station. Parked up outside the station I didn't want him to leave. I knew he had to, he knew he had to. We kissed, waved and then I drove off to work.

And was I missing him by midday? No, try 10.30, just at the start of an important meeting. I just wanted filling again [slut]. My arse-lips were still puffy, I didn't feel slack, but then I didn't feel tight. I know it's gonna take me some time to get used to accomodating his cock, but one day I will.

Got a phone call from Michael this afternoon, about an hour before I was due to finish work. I was working with my Manager when my phone went off. I appologised and took the call, I knew if I ignored it he'd just keep ringing up.

Anyway, he said he was feeling particularly horny, was in Manchester and was dying to see me. He wanted me to come out to meet him. I declined the offer, even though I really wanted to. I had to get some shopping-type bits before I went home.

'Do you have a collar?' he asked at one point.
'Erm, yes. I do actually.' I replied.

Seems like I'm gonna have to get on my hands and knees and beg with him. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun. Add to that the fact that he's stopping over at mine.

So, I've got to come up with an outfit that works with my dog collar. That's if I decide I'm gonna wear it. Or, I could be really naughty and not wear it!

It's a chunkyish black dog collar that I got for when I went out for Halloween year before last. Bear in mind that it was a bitterly cold night, I wore the collar, a black close-fitting netted top (with nothing underneath) and a pair of PVC trousers, along with a little bit of make-up. I actually looked pretty good, scary 'cos I fucked my hair up big time, but good all the same. I ended up copping off anyway, so it can't have been that bad, but I got a very very strange look from the taxi driver who took me home the following morning.

Quickly. Two things:-

Mart came back last night. He was good. Very good. And I got a date set up for a week Thursday (don't ask!).

Michael is stopping over on Thursday (this Thursday). He's bringing all his massage stuff as he wants to explore my body with his hands and his tongue. Oh, I say!!

After months and months and months of waiting I've finally got my new laptop from work. It's a Dell Latitude thingy and it's so bloody heavy. But it requires less steam to run than the last one they gave me (but I kinda fucked that one up when I upgraded it from Windows 95 to Windows 2000).

So now the boring bit. Installing all the software that I need - and removing the stuff that our IT Support unit think I need.

Maybe I'll have to check my horoscope for this week. It seems like this is the week for receiving nice things. So glad I'm seeing Mart tonight......

Oh, and I forgot. Got a phone call from a credit card company this morning. They've approved me. So that's gonna make life interesting in five to seven working days.