Monday, May 31, 2004

Bank Holiday Weekend

It's been a varied time this weekend. It all started well on Friday. When Jeff and I woke up I knew I really did not want to go into the office. We started kissing and caressing a couple of times before we both got dressed, but I knew that we had to stop doing that or I'd never get to work. I was amazed at how awake I was feeling. I was also feeling good, very good, and happy.

Before I went out I'd been playing music on the computer, it was an old playlist I'd found for WinAmp and it contained the song 'Every Way That I Can' that was the Eurovision winner last year. I also heard it while we were in Hollywood. It was running through my mind, and has been ever since. In the same way 'Human Nature' makes me think of Mart, this will make me think of Jeff. Oh, life's gonna get interesting!

At work I was the most productive I've been in ages. I started at 8.55am (yes, I was early) with a task list that should have seen me to midday. I'd cleared most of them by 10am, including changing and recompiling a program we use to create accounts on some third-party database system. There was a downside, but that didn't change my composure. I was supposed to get a new laptop from work. It was ready, but on another site. When we went to get it, it had the wrong software on it. Damn! And I was looking forward to playing with it over the weekend. So hopefully I'll get that on Tuesday.

When I got home, my ex was already there. It appears he arrived at 9.50. Personally, I have no problem with him arriving while I've got trade (excuse the definition, I don't really class Jeff as trade). At the end of the day it's my home, I pay the rent, I live there on my own so it's down to me what I get up to. But I know that if he found me with anyone that he wouldn't like it, and especially if we were having sex at the time.

Then came the questions:
Him: Did you go out last night?
Me: Yes.
Him: Thought so, you didn't ring me. You back late?
Me: No, got back around midnight, I had to be in the office early.
Him: Pissed?
Me: Not really. Knew I had to be in good shape for work.

The next one was the killer question:
Him: Dropped a pill?
Me: Erm, yes, just one, though.

Then came the tirade. I wasn't on a comedown until that point. I'd been feeling really happy and positive. Until that point. And he had the cheek to tell me that he knew I was on a comedown. I know what I'm like on a comedown and I'm not happy, not productive and not communicative. I can usually get by, but it's hard work.

So we argued. Then I told him how happy I'd been until I arrived home. So maybe that wasn't one of my best strategic moves. Stupidly I told him that I'd brought someone back as well. Duh!!! I forgot we'd have to go through a checklist of who it was and who it wasn't. I told him that I wasn't going to tell him. He suspected Ben and/or Jeff, said that I could do better than Jeff, but was more inclined to believe it to be Ben. I didn't tell him, anyway.

It all got sorted out. He wasn't happy. But that was more because I'd dropped a pill and slept with 'a complete stranger that I'd pulled' than because I'd got trade. He tried to put the fact that I'd been happy down to me getting fucked senseless. Maybe there is some truth in that, but I'm not admitting.

We watched the last ever episode of Friends (and that is Sooooo open for a reunion) along with a few spliffs and a bong or two. Then on to the launch of Big Brother. More on that at another point in time.

Saturday, we picked up the car. Kyle revealed a revelation about someone he picked up on Friday (not a stranger, far from it, but my ex's twin brothers ex). After getting the car, I had too see this for myself. Kyle doesn't have a leg to stand on about me and Mart now. Hee Hee. We did a bit of clothes shopping to go out and meet Kyle and his foster parents that night. I came over a bit strange and felt like crap, so we never made it out that night.

Sunday I woke in a seriously bad mood. My throat felt sore and I still felt like shite. We had an early morning argument. I'm not a pleasant person when I'm under the weather. Hard work is not in it. Better to just leave me be and let me pull myself out of it. So we spent the grand total of 45 minutes in each others company, before I said I was going out. I think it was about three hours later I came back. I felt better, but then something happened and it turned my mood again. I sent a text message to Mart to see what he was up to, but he was busy. I just knew that he'd be able to turn my mood around. I'm meeting Mart on Tuesday. Not sure what we're doing yet, but I think in part we're gonna have 'that talk'. I got better later on, but that was maybe a little too late. Again, I didn't make a positive impression, we had kinda planned to go out, and it never happened.

So now it's Monday. I feel much better. We are going out later, not sure what time yet, but I feel the need to escape for a while. There's a chance that Michael will be around. He arrived back from Ibiza last night and sent me a text asking what I was up to today. I havent responded yet (I'm so cruel). I also need to prove that I can go out and enjoy myself without drugs. Not to myself, I know I can, this is for my ex's benefit. He's worried about the amount and frequency, and more about the frequency than the amount. Kyle also might be around. Gonna have to ring him later.

Ok, now I need to plan tomorrow. I need to timetable work, hopefully picking up a laptop, and getting myself ready for Mart.

My Car, Well, Goes...

... like a car is supposed to, silly!

Yes, at last. I've finally got that silver-blue thing with six wheels (think about it) sat outside my driveway.

I'm so glad to have her back. But I can tell that she's had a lot of strange men playing with her innards over the last six weeks (strange, that doesn't usually bother me!) and the exhaust makes her sound a little like Barry White. So that's something else to get fixed, but that's ok, I already knew about that one.

There's still the appointment to make with the service manager at Robbing Bastards garage, but thats going to be so much more fun now I've got the car and all the bits that they claimed were needed in a box downstairs.

It may sound silly, but yes, I'm still gonna get rid of her. It's a confidence thing. I got rid of my last one 'cos some geriatric University Professor decided to try buggering me at a set of traffic lights, and then one week after I'd got that one back someone tried breaking in to it outside a friends house. My luck with cars is mixed. And I've not been back to that friends house since that happened. I am gonna have to keep her for a while though, and slightly longer than I was planning now I know it was only a corroded wire.

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Oh Dear, More Crap Jokes

Mart spent about half an hour last night texting me more of his bad jokes. Obviously he was bored at work.

I suck the end real slow and watch the white begin to flow. I can't resist licking the rim before I thrust my tongue right in.... Cadburys cream egg, how do you eat yours

if a woman's kneeling on all fours on the floor with spunk dribbling down the both sides of her mouth, what does that tell you? That the floor's level

what woman can wash up with left hand, cook tea with right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, give a blow job and open beer with her arse - a swiss army wife

And you just know that the next batch will only get worse!

Friday, May 28, 2004

Highly Honoured

I did something last night that I haven't done in the two years of being single. I actually brought someone back to mine, for sex. That someone was Jeff. I went out last night with the complete intention of coming home as I had to be at work in the office for 9am. And I knew that Ben and Jeff would be out.

We collided between pubs. I just happened to spot Ben across the street and went over. Jeff spotted me moments later and jumped on me. They said they were going to Hollywood, and that was where I was headed anyway.

Long story short: Jeff said I could go back to his, but I told him I had to go home to get keys for work and I had to be in the office for 9. He was cool about coming back to mine. We got talking and he asked whether I thought I could handle him, if/when I was back in boyfriend-ready mode. I thought, and said I probably could. It's interesting. Jeff and I appear to have an interesting connection. I've always thought he was cute (from the night a few years ago when I first met him), he thinks I'm gorgeous but we both like fun and having a good time. And the sex, well, what can I say. Like when I slept with Mart, last night felt more like making love than fucking. He's a very horny lad. And we've finally exchanged phone numbers, like we've only been planning to do for weeks.

Also met his ex last night. He seems alright, and had already worked out that Jeff and I were gonna be shagging. Think he wanted a piece of the action, so to speak. He asked whether I'd be up for a three-some with him and Jeff. I told him that yes, I do enjoy sex with two, but more is much more fun. I raised it with Jeff. Jeff said that ordinarilly he wouldn't have a problem with it, just not with him. I didn't mind. I know there's history there that I don't need to know about. Anyway, I wanted Jeff to myself, or at least to share him with Ben.

We did quite a lot of kissing and caressing while we were out. We now know where each others weak spots are, and how best to use them. And what's best is that his are easily accessible even fully clothed. Hee hee, you know that's gonna bring out the wicked side of my character!

He's going to Birmingham this weekend, so I'll probably hook up with him early next week. Don't know what I'm doing yet - typical of me living a completely unplanned existance! Possibly go out on Sunday and sleep it off on Monday.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Flattered or Insulted?

Went to buy some cigarettes yesterday from a newsagents in town. Only had enough change on me to buy ten as I still had to go to the bank. Went to the counter and told him what I wanted.

'Are you old enough?' the assistant asked.
Dumb founded, I got my own age wrong and said I was 22.
The assistant grinned. He was about my age, but he just didn't float my boat. I handed over the change and left.

Fortunately the shop wasn't crowded. But there was a very cute scally lad behind me who I had been making eyes at on the bus coming into town. I felt a bit embarassed.

The irony was that we were talking over the weekend about being asked for ID to prove age. Mart never had (because of his height). Arsehole had an encounter with a stupid street market-researcher (she asked whether he was over 18, he asked whether she was fucking blind!). I claimed that I'd never been asked for ID. Until now.

BTW. I'm actually 25

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Bigger Is Not Butch-er

I wrote about Sky One's How Gay Are You? online survey a few days ago. For those, like me, who missed the transmission, it's shown again this Wednesday. I'm looking forward to it.

I happened to tell Arsehole about it and he wanted to do the test as well. Tee hee hee. He scored: Very Over Gay.

We went fron there to straightacting.com. Now I'd done their test quite some time ago, but couldn't remember the score so I re-took it. I think last time that I got Level 4. This time my result:


Your Mom already knows. Smart girls in the office already know that you like to sleep with men. Your straight acting traits are few and far between as your feminine traits start to surface. You tend to be a real sensitive guy that gets along great with the female posse at work.

How Do You Rate?

So I've slipped a point. Ah well. Arsehole scored Level 8 and was rather miffed that I got a 'straighter' score than him. At least I'm half-way up the scale. But what's with all this 'straight acting' crap anyway? I am me. I am not straight acting. I am not even gay acting. I am me acting. As I once read on a gaydar profile:
"wanting to be straight acting is like an aversion to being gay, if I was adverse to being gay I'd be hunting pussy and not cock."

Just don't get me started on the 'straight looking' thing. That could go on all night.

Funny Things

Mart has this habit of sharing some really awful jokes. Some of them are terrible. But he's sent me some that I just had to write down:

After great sex she lies there stroking his penis. He asks 'do you want more sex?', 'No', she replies, 'I'm just admiring your cock because I really miss mine'.

hickory dickory dock this bitch was sucking me cock the clock struck two me squirted me goo and wiped me dick on her frock

WARNING: I do not condone racist language or behaviour, so you may find this offensive

Q: If a womans upper body was designed by god, who designed the lower part?
A: A nigger. Why else would it have black curly hair, two fat lips and smell like shit!

Busy Day. Gonna Kick Some Ass

I really need to get motivated today. I was doing pretty well until the phone went. It was Kyle 'Oh, I don't like that CD you did for Mart.' I knew he was being sarcastic. 'Why?' I enquired. He then speaks to Mart in the background 'I told you she'd not get it.' So I interrupted, 'of course I got it, I was just playing you at your own game.

Everything was going fine until Kyle started going on about Mart 'gushing' to him about how good I was in bed, and me 'gushing' about how good Mart was. Kyle said that Mart went very red, but nether of us were denying what was being said. Then I spoke briefly to Mart and, well, got to feeling kinda horny. I've just taken care of that one (if I have to spell it out...)

Now that may not seem a lot, it's just the time it's gonna take me to get through each of the stages. Ok, cup of coffee, check the weather (it's just gone exceptionally cloudy, oh uh!) and must make a move.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Shocked? Well, Yes.

Now it takes quite a bit to shock me. But a link on sex, lies & videotape on how to fold a t-shirt in two easy steps has be amazed, astounded and completely flabbergasted! If it's that easy to fold a t-shirt how come no one has shown me this before. Well, it looks easy but I've not tried it yet.

About The Weekend

Mart pissed me off a bit this weekend. Only a little bit, though. He was supposed to come over on Saturday after he'd finished work. However, he got a call a few hours before finishing from a (female) friend of his who was having trouble with her boyf. The plan was for them to have a few drinks then he was coming to mine.

About ten minutes before he was due to finish I sent him a text message. I'd just finished doing the shopping and was waiting for a taxi to go home:

"Hi babe, 10 minutes til home time. I got the tea. I got the vodka. Now all I need is you."

He replied shortly afterwards: "You still having naughty thoughts about me?"

Sat in the back of a taxi next to Arsehole I responded:

"You mean like the ones you were having last night? Of course I am."

"Was it the white shorts?" [that's what he was wearing, along with a t-shirt, on the Friday]

"Yes, but more to do with who was inside them."

It got to 11pm and we just knew he wasn't coming over. Tried ringing his phone and it was turned off. Annoyed, a little, yes. But I'm the kind of person who always looks first for a reason.

He rang up earlyish on Sunday. Apologised. I kinda bollocked him - well spoke in my stern 'I'm not impressed' voice. I told him I didn't mind him staying out, but I like to know what is going on, I do worry when people aren't where they say they're going to be and I can't get hold of them. But the sod knows how to get round me (Bitch!!) and mentioned something about the white shorts. I laughed down the phone and Mart knew he'd got me.

It was mid-afternoon when he arrived. I think he was trying to dispose of last night's trade. But we spent the rest of the day on vodka and weed. It was a nice Sunday outside, if Mart had been there on the Saturday we'd probably have done Sunday in the park again. He did suggest it on the phone, but I just said 'we'd see'.

We got talking later on. Charlie is history, Mart just plain isn't interested. It seems that Charlie thinks they're an item and Mart knows they're not. 'I'm not ringing him. In fact I don't wanna see him.' We also spoke about getting trade when you've got friends staying with you. Mart gave me the impression that what he did when we went out and he met Charlie is wrong. If you go out with friends and they're coming back with you then it should be a no-trade outing. I countered that that was fine, but if you both get trade then it's a different story. But maybe that's my exhibitionist tendencies.

The firtatious looks went on all night. With some of the lines of conversation we told each other, discretely, everything we wanted to hear. Arsehole was oblivious to the whole thing. At one point Mart was on a chair and I knealt next to it to say something and he leant forward and kissed me. Not just a peck, but a full-on open mouth snog kinda kiss. There were a couple of those that night. I looked him square in the face after one of the episodes, 'I think we need to have a long chat, sometime soon.' He didn't have to ask, I could tell with the glint in his eyes that he knew what I was meaning.

Towards the end of the night I was stretched out on the couch and he was lay out on the floor in front of me. My house always gets hot in the summer months due to the sun shining on the front of it for most of the day. With the heat he'd stripped down to a (blue) pair of football shorts with a sleeve-less t-shirt. He was flat out in front of me, music was playing, and I just couldn't take my eyes off him. I'd done a CD on the Saturday, the end of it get's a bit trippy, designed to make you float when stoned. Mart wants a copy of it, and I do know the reason why. Oh, you know how it is when you've just got to have someone...

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Music Brings Memories

We were all sat on Marts bed last night listening to CD's and getting stoned. At one point it was just me and Mart together. He turned and asked 'Do you think that music helps you remember times and places?' I responded that I did, and that music always brings back memories. He'd been playing the Madonna remixes disc. We listened for a while. Then he turned and asked 'Do you remember these songs?' I turned to face him, nodded and grinned. He grinned back. I wanted to say that we were having the same thoughts, but I already felt like jumping on him and tearing his clothes off.

Oh, if only we'd been alone last night...

Friday, May 21, 2004

Homeboi's A Happy Chappy

I know I've been a bit cruel towards Arsehole of late, but today he's proved what a star he can be. Gloria, my car, is now ready, waiting and working for me in a different garage over in Salford. Yes, after yesterday's bad news, she's fixed. I'm over the moon that she's finally ready, I really am.

Ok, so quick run down of the story: I was getting an indicator light coming on the dash, in the manual it's something to do with the fuel injectors but the reality is that it's a signal from the management unit of the car that there's something wrong and in need of attention. I also suspected that it needed a new clutch. The main problem was that the car kept dying on me, so I was getting very scared about driving it.

She went to a garage in Stockport (about 5 miles away from home) for the management unit to be read. They diagnosed that a Thermo Sensor (it's sender unit and 'turret') needed to be replaced. This was done, but they also said that the clutch desperately needed replacing. I wasn't getting them to do it, so I said I'd take it elsewhere and get it done (much much) cheaper. It died as I was taking it to get the clutch done, but I put this down to the clutch needing urgent replacement. The second garage, practically round the corner from the first, replaced the clutch. They have to disconnect the battery to do this (standard practice apparently) and when they reconnected it the alarm kept sounding and they couldn't turn it off. I thought that the management unit just needed codes putting back in so we struggled to obtain codes for the car. Got the codes, and the AA to put the codes in. No joy. So originally, we thought the clutch place had fucked the car over. It got towed back to the first garage for an assessment.

The result of the assessment: the box that stores the codes was fried. So I paid to get the code box replaced. Still the car didn't work. New diagnosis: management unit was fried. They wanted to charge me in excess of £500 for a new management unit, and that was before the labout for fitting! Fuck that, I thought, and asked what the options were. The best option was to obtain a new management unit myself and get a garage to fit it. First garage originally were quite happy to do this, however, after we placed the order it turns out that they 'won't fit parts they haven't sourced themselves. Company policy'. Cunts!!!

So, we contacted a third garage - the one I originally wanted the work done at, but they couldn't fit me in for over a fortnight - and they were quite happy to fit a customer-sourced part and only charge for the labour. New management unit arrives, we arrange for the car to be transported (8.2 miles) from first garage to third garage [come on, keep up at the back!!] and book the car in for the new unit to be fitted.

Yesterday they fit the unit. Still no go. They thought about checking the wiring and discovered a corroded wire. Bless them, they replaced the wire and re-fitted the old management unit, and, guess what? The fucking thing starts!!!

Discounting the Thermo-whatsit and new clutch here's a breakdown of costs:

New code box purchase and fit by first garage£191.34
Purchase of new management unit£324.30
Cost of transfer between garages£69.33
Current bill at third garage for wiring investigation (think this also includes original labour for fitting management unit)£207.97
Grand total£792.94

That's a hell of a lot of money in anyones book, adding in the other work and you're looking at over £1,200. I got a good job, yes, but not one that can throw that much money around at the drop of a hat.

So Arsehole has been on to Trading Standards who say that if we can prove that a mis-diagnoses took place we have a good legal case for re-imbursement (starts to rub hands in glee). But I don't want to go down the nasty legal road, maybe its just me, but I like to keep things friendly unless I absolutely have to. So the engineer at garage three is going to prepare a full report of what they have done to fix the car, identifying that perhaps the code box didn't need replacing after all. And all this is going to garage one. I want recompence.

By profession I'm an IT professional. I work closely with technicians every day. If a computer doesn't work the first instinct is not to replace it, but to ascertain why it doesn't work. If it's not fixable then you replace the unit. Ok, they used diagnostic rigs to identify the problems. But if your computer doesn't start is your first statement 'oh, it needs a new processor'? I don't think so. You check to see whether it's plugged into the mains, is the socket turned on, has the fuse blown. Begin to see my point? How hard is it to miss one-and-a-half inches of corroded wire? Yes, that's right, a corroded wire has cost me that much money to identify by a qualified garage that should know better. That cost does not take into account stress and travelling expenses. They could be getting off lightly.

Arsehole even rang garage one and shouted at them informed them of their gaff over the phone about the whole saga. Oh, he can be very scary when you're on the receiving end of his wrath. Believe me, I should know.

So that's why I'm pretty fucking ecstatic at the moment. Oh, one down side: she needs a new starter motor. But I believe and trust what they say.

So we're going round to Mart's. Not so much to celebrate, but my mood will be the best they've seen me in for too long. Yep, the happy homo Homeboi is back in town!

Thursday, May 20, 2004

How Gay Are You?

I was flicking through the programme guide on Sky last night and spotted this in the schedule:
How Gay Are You?

I went to the SkyOne website looking for more information about the programme. Didn't realise they were doing a survey as well (ok, I take back the bimbo comment from the last post). Going through the questions I realised that they're really designed for straight men (not little queer boys like moi) but I was about halfway through before it dawned on me that references to 'girlfriend' related more to people with boobs that you slept/live with rather than mates who are missing the three-piece downstairs.

And the verdict? According to the survey:
You are an enlightened individual, having taken on many gay traits to improve your life. However, you have gone a bit too far in some areas and may be confusing girls with your behaviour.

To find out how to be slightly less gay watch How Gay Are You? on Sky One Sunday 23rd May at 10pm.

Something For The Weekend...

I can't wait for Saturday. So I'm pissed off that I'm not getting the car back. But to make up for it Mart is coming over. Nothing, ahem, 'interesting' is gonna happen I think I can be assured of that. We're just gonna have a few drinks, smoke a bit, watch a few films and generally have a laugh. There was talk of taking pills, but my ex is with me and we said that I was to be careful with the booze and drugs until after I've done the hospital thing. He doesn't think it fair if they take them and I don't. Strangely, it was his suggestion, the pills that is. I just said yes, knowing that I wouldn't take part.

Funny, actually. I appear to have had my head more screwed on this week than I have for a long time. I don't have blond hair, but there are many who would call me a bimbo when I tell them some of the things I think about.

That F*%*!*$ Car

The new garage got the replacement ECU today for fitting tomorrow. They started work today (I like them, shlurp shlurp shlurp!!) But, I still have a four-grand outdoor paperweight.

They did, however, come up with an idea of what might have happened: the gearbox needs to be removed to replace the clutch, if the engine drops then this might have strained and possibly broken a wire (or two) or pulled a connector out of a socket somewhere. They're going to investigate this for me. They realise I've spent an awful lot of money trying to get that heap of metal to do what it's supposed to do ie. be like a car and move, and so they are looking for the lowest cost solution to the problem (I really like them, shluuurrp shluuurrp shluuurrp!!)

So here's to another week without a car. Worst is, I'm getting used to the exercise and the mere mention of a sentence with the words 'car' and 'problem' gets me very very depressed. Maybe this isn't the week I give up smoking and drinking.

Been Thinking Naughty Things...

I've been avoiding my mobile phone all day today. Partly I've been busy working and also it's the start of the next phase of garage work on my car. So I got home, took my phone out of my bag - it's been turned on all day - and saw seven missed calls from two numbers, one of which was the garage. There were also two text messages, one from Arsehole saying he'd not spoken to the garage since they rang him earlier in the day, and one from Michael this morning:

"Yo babe's i was just having a pervy thought about youy so i thought i'd share the moment. I was just thinking how I want to stick my tongue up your bum M ;x X X"

Damn!! And I'm not playing out tonight. He's on holiday abroad from Sunday for a week. I'll have to think of a response later.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

"This Tune's Gonna Punish You"

Tee He Hee! The highlight of today was reading the Metro News on the bus back from work this morning. Specifically a little story about Victoria Beckham.

Now what ever you really think of Vicks you have to admit that she must have been out of her mind to release a rap album after such an illustrious career with the Spice Girls. But the thing that made me laugh the most was an outright claim that Telstar, the label that signed her (and also Craig David), recently folded because they couldn't get any money back selling her 'dire' rap album.

So who's also out of a job now?

Girl Power?? I'll let you consider that one.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Tea Party In The Park

What better way to deal with a comedown on a gloriously sunny Sunday than to have a queer picnic in the park. We'll that's what we did. Along with god knows how many other people in Manchester on Sunday. So I don't know if they were all on a comedown, but that doesn't matter.

It was actually Kyle's suggestion. I sent him a text message asking whether my asprin had helped his headache last night. Arsehole rang him up shortly after to get an answer. He could remember meeting us, he remembers the whole pill thing. But he can't remember dancing with me (he blushed when I reminded him) and he couldn't remember the Troglodyte. Kyle asked my to describe him, so I gave him a 'don't be stupid' look. I mean, I know I'm good at remembering things (that's why most of these posts are so bleeding long) but I don't take notes on fellas that don't do anything for me. Kyle and Arsehole were feeling a little the worse for wear so Kyle suggested we meet in the park in the Village, have a few cans and smoke a few joints. It sounded very good to me, even though I was feeling pretty fine.

I dressed appropriately for the occasion: football short (and I wore knickers underneath them), trackies, t-shirt, zip-front hooded top and baseball cap. Why like that? Well I could see how hot it was going to get so I knew I was going to strip to my shorts (had it been quieter and not in the middle of town then who knows...) and the hooded top to sit/lie on.

Mart was working, and I kept saying that Mart would have loved doing this with us. Kyle got me to text him just after he finished work. He rang Kyle up shortly afterwards. Kyle beamed 'whoa girls! she's coming in!' It made me happy. Sort of like having the best parts of my queer-family around me. It was gonna take about half-hour for Mart to arrive.

When he arrived we got to talking about last night. 'Typical. I'm working and you're all out wizzing your tits off. I bet none of you thought about me.' he quipped. 'I thought about you, I wished you'd have been with us.' I replied. 'Hmm,' he reponded, and then said 'I'll bet you did' with that knowing look in his eyes. It's true, I would have liked Mart to be there, and yes, things may have got a little saucy, but only a little. It turned out that Mart was due to meet up with Charlie, but his heart wasn't really in it. 'I hope he doesn't turn up.' Kyle had yet to meet Charlie so we gave him a portrait. The more Mart said, the more I realised that Mart was not happy with Charlie.

I revealed my plan for summer that year. We were going to have a picnic, the lot of us, on a really nice hot day. Do it in a way so that nothing had to be taken home with us afterwards, as later we would party what was left of the night. Everyone thought it would be a brilliant idea. I'm looking forward to it. Of course, with the British weather you can never plan these things properly but some time before the end of August as all our minds will be elsewhere, but in party mode at that time.

Charlie eventually arrived. The park was busy, but he managed to find us. And promptly proceeded to insult Arsehole, and indeed all of us. I'd been quite chatty most of the afternoon. I went deadly silent. So Charlie was pissed, he'd been drinking all day, but so had Arsehole, Kyle and myself and we weren't acting like arrogant twats. I didn't want to spend any longer in the company of this cunt than I absolutely had to. It's not often I take such a strong dislike to someone, it's also not often that I admit to wanting to kick the shit out of someone (I admitted that later when we got home), but Charlie had managed in the space of less than two minutes to push all the wrong button with me. That is not an easy task. Everyone knows how mild-mannered I am, how caring, loving and open I am. They also know that I wont stand for any shit. So, yes, sometimes we bitch a bit between each other, sometime it gets a little out of hand. But there is a big difference between idle bitchiness and outright rudeness. They all know that when I don't like something or someone, there is always a damn good reason. They trust my judgement, and they know I've never been wrong.

On A Night Like This (pt II)

We stumbled across the car park to Thompsons like two giggly school girls. I remember the first time I went out on a pill, it was in Blackpool in mid summer. Sat outside on a picnic table, the word that summed the feeling up was 'boing!!' and all I really wanted to do was say that and giggle hysterically. This was how I was feeling now. Into Thompsons and to the bar. The heat hit like a brick wall as we went in and the bar was heaving. Ok so it was a nice day, but does that mean that everyone had to come out that night?

Drinks were purchased and we went to find a quiet (yeah, and the other one has bells as well as whistles on) corner. Trotting through the crowd I walked passed someone I thought I recognised. I did recognise them, it was Kyle, stood with a pint in his hand. He saw me, but he was trying to look smoldering and inconspicuous. So, I wandered passed him, then turned, pointed at him and went 'Hah!! Got you!!' 'Oh, I've been rumbled he sniggered and threw his free arm around me. Arsehole quickly joined us, don't ask where he'd been, 'cos I don't know. We chatted for a bit and the three of us were in good spirits.

Kyle was a little pissed, but there was more than just alcohol in his system. I can always tell with him. I didn't say anything, though. Arsehole explained where we'd been, what we'd been up to, and would he like a pill. Kyle looked at us with a confused look on his face. Arsehole explained that I bought some and that 'we'd had enough off of him over time. Kyle looked at me, completely astonished. After the shock had subsided I discretely gave a pill to Kyle. Then there was a discussion between Kyle and Arsehole about whether they were really pills. 'Are you sure they're not asprin?' Kyle kept asking. In the end Arsehole told him they were. Kyle then turned to me and said, 'oh god, I can't believe you've just given me an asprin. I can't believe it!' My response: 'well, they're not asprin, my Ben only gets good shit. But it'll sort your head out anyway.'

I didn't want to dance with Kyle that night. Knowing the way Kyle dances (he's pretty good, actually) and the way I usually react to his dancing I didn't think it would be appropriate. But, despite my resistance, Kyle always knows the way to get round me, literally! So he moves in behind me, hand on each of my hips and starts grinding into me. I respond in kind but notice that I'm moving forward slightly. Then one hand round my waist, another in the middle of my back and he pushes me forward so I bend over. I'm simulating sex with Kyle, yet again, on the dancefloor in Thompsons (but at least this time I'm not on my back on the floor). We're all laughing hysterically. Arsehole is shaking his head with an 'I'm not really with them expression' on his face. I extract myself from Kyle's clutches and go to reclaim my drink and talk with Arsehole. Kyle just keeps dancing.

While Arsehole and I are talking we spot someone making a move on Kyle. It's clear to everyone that he's up for anything, and some complete and utter troglodyte decided to take advantage of this. 'Oh, no.' I start, 'Tell me Kyle isn't really gonna do anything with that.' Arsehole turns to look. 'Yeuch!!' he says. We're in agreement, the guy is vile. But the scene is funny. Kyle is pressed against the wall, his jumper pushed right up to his neck. Next thing Kyle takes it off and is swinging it around in the air. Troglodyte is attempting to strip Kyle and, what's worse, Kyle is letting him do it. He's still plastered against the wall and they start to snog. I've heard people say that everyone looks gorgeous when they're on 'e', but for some reason it wasn't working with this guy. I always try and find positive things in everyone, but I was completely stumped here. We took this as our cue to finish our drinks and move on. We might see Kyle later, but then again...

Memories escape me for a while. Don't ask where we were, or what we were doing. At least I know that Arsehole was with me, I wasn't misbehaving and I was safe. I've got a feeling we went back to Hollywood, but don't press me on it.

Later, outside, the temperature had dropped. It was chilly but we were both quite warm. 'So you see, I'm quite well behaved. Aren't I?' I said. 'No, you're just not getting yourself into trouble while I'm here.' Arsehole responded. Then he asked me where I wanted to go. 'I don't know, but I want to take my clothes off.' I said. 'Well, you can't do that anywhere.' 'No, I just mean take my top off.' 'Well let's go to Churchils, or the Union then.' 'Can't go to either of those places. I'll be asked, graciously, to put my clothes back on and leave.' In the end, we went to Napoleons, a transvestite bar. It's somewhere I don't go very often, but everytime I've been in on a Saturday night I've always really enjoyed myself.

So off to Naps we went. Just inside the door, sat down on a leather Chesterfield were Ben and Jeff. They waved and grinned as we went by. I was obviously in dance mode and just wanted music. I know that I pointed to say we were going upstairs, and I really wanted them to follow but they were happy sat there. Come to think of it, it's the most sedentary I've ever seen Ben when he's been pilling. Hmm. Hope there's nothing wrong.

Upstairs was hot, it always is. Drinks appeared from nowhere. Don't ask me when we got them! We were stood just off the dance floor when a song we both like came on. Arsehole dragged me on to the dance floor. There were three or four women dancing there already. 'Don't look at the mirrors, they'll do your head in' Arsehol advised me. I tried to dance, but something wasn't working for me. No, no the drink in my hand. No, I had no problem with the mirrors even though they confused me as to the size of the dancefloor. That was it, the music. It was just too loud for me. I wandered off the dance floor, Arsehole following me. 'You ok, mirrors doing you in?' he asked. 'No, just the music, it was too loud for me.' Arsehole looked at me. He knows that that doesn't usually stop me. So we bopped a little where we were stood. The record changed and we moved to stand away from the dance floor and ended up against a wall.

Boom!! Something hit Arsehole. He put his drink down on a ledge, put both hands against the ledge and asked me to hold him. I did. It seemed as if he'd just experienced a sudden rush from the pills. We'd had two by that time and he said later that it was as if they'd both just landed. He asked me if I'd ever double-dropped. I told him that I wasn't that stupid. I always try and be sensible with drugs. Being silly only causes problems and could prove damaging. When he was a little more stable I spotted the pot-collector in there and let on to him. We'd exchanged phone numbers early last year, met once, but nothing really came of it. We nod to each other every now and then. The music was starting to work on me again and I had to start dancing. Arsehole joined in, and dropped his can. It emptied. Oops. The pot-collector came over, spotted the foam from the beer on the floor and started to stamp it into the carpet. He was saying something, I just agreed! A combination of the music and the drugs and I genuinely couldn't understand what he was saying. I think he was telling Arsehole off, but it was done in a nice way. After all, he didn't want me to go off him.

Apart from me crashing at home listening to some trippy music, that's about it for the night. A good time was had by all. I behaved. Arsehole thinks my friends are alright, even though he knows that they fancy the arse off me. It's another arrangement we have: I don't tell him about my sexual escapades, and he doesn't tell me about his. It's respect more than anything else. And even though I was a bit horny that night, I was too knackered for sex. He still thinks there's something more going on between me and Ben, but, even though I adore Ben that's as far as it goes.

My Lucky Copping Knickers

A few months ago I decided I wanted to go and get some address books - one for home by the main phone and one that I'd carry round in my bag. You know the kind of thing, A-Z indexed so you can write your own numbers in. I went out quite a few times to get them, and each time I came back with something completely different.

The first time I came back with £25-worth of Calvin Klein underwear.

Then another time I came back with my white jock strap, the one I seem to have worn everytime I've ended up going with someone. I know this sounds funny, but I'm really sure there's something to this.
jock strap - front shot

Sure, I look sexy in it, it's very easy to get off. But the best part...

jock strap - back shot, yum
Well I don't have to get completely undressed when it's cold outside :-p

Now I know I really do need to get a better camera, this webcam thingy is shite!

Sunday, May 16, 2004

On A Night Like This

I had to go and see my Manager yesterday. Yea, I know it was Saturday, but we're both these geeky-kinda-internet-nerdy-computer-types. Truth be known I was actually in a bit of trouble. I was supposed to assist in a training session on Friday morning. My head wasn't ready for work so I missed it. Got a phone call later saying that maybe we need to talk about how the future is going to pan out, so we agreed to meet about midday on Saturday.

Arsehole had stayed over on the Friday. He'd done well nursing my comedown - I think it was so bad because of how lousy I was feeling - but wasn't prepared to wait at home while I was out. So he went into town, for a drink. I didn't know how long I was gonna be so I told him I'd send him a text when I was on my way back. He mentioned that we'd go out later if I felt up to it. I was cool with this.

When I arrived back home he wasn't there. Yes, we're still in the one-key situation to my home. My phone rang while I was waiting outside for him, afterall he couldn't be that long, could he? I was Kyle. He was a little pissed (hello!!) at some friends just outside of Manchester. He'd told me a few days before he went to France that he needed to get some pictures done of him for a job but it turns out that these friends knew someone who would be prepared to do the pics at no cost (I think I read that as for the price of a shag), he was asking me whether I thought it was a good idea. I told him to go for it. I must have looked like a right prick standing outside my front door on the phone, obviously not able to get in, giggling away on my mobile. Arsehole turns up and starts talking (very loudly) across the garden to me. My phone is bright green, so I don't lose it, but he still doesn't see me talking into it and ignoring him. I sense that he's a little on the inebriated side.

I finish the call with Kyle. He'd muttered something about coming out to Manchester later but I've heard that one before, and it rarely happens when there is cock on offer. We go into the house. Arsehole asks me how the meeting went. It was OK, I suppose, but we've decided that it might be time to have discrete words in appropriate ears at work. I admit I'm a little apprehensive about this as to my mind it changes the way things are at work. My manager thinks otherwise. We shall see.

It turns out that while Arsehole has been out he's not had such a good time. Apparently, a number of my friends have been slagging me off and saying that not only am I an easy slapper, but that it is not uncommon for me to disappear into the toilets of any place in town with a queue of guys behind me, and that I'll spread my legs for anyone who shows me some interest. I start to laugh. For one, I'm not an easy lay. I am pretty picky who I go with. A magical figure of close to 200 was discussed in relation to the number of people I'd been with in town. Yeah, right! Seriously I DON'T wish. Some of it was funny, because it was just so clearly bullshit, but the worrying thing was that Arsehole was buying it. Then we got to the one I hate: well if you have been like that then no wonder you're in this situation. I think my glare and growl told him exactly what my thoughts were on that. It wasn't an argument, more a heated discussion.

Oh, and did you know that Michael and I have been texting each other like no bodies business? No, it was news to me as well. I told him that I'd received one text message from Michael, I'd tried to reply but the network rejected it. I actually showed him my phone, and Michael's message. It's clearly a 'first' message. So then he asked me about Michael. I suppose my eyes did glaze a little, but I told him the full story anyway (apart from the undressing bit, for obvious reasons). He calmed down sufficiently in the end, and stated that as he'd had such a bad time out that I was definately gonna take him out to cheer him up. Well, whoop-de-doo for me!!

So we get changed and get ready to go out. Eventually arrive in town about 7.15. We're just walking into Churchills when my phone goes. It was Ben. Arsehole goes to the bar and I step outside to take the call. Turns out Ben is in Mantos and invites me down, I tell him I've got Arsehole with me. He doesn't say anything, though I can tell he's far from sober. I say we'll pop down in a while. Back to the bar and I tell Arsehole about the call. 'Oh so you're making arrangements to run after Ben all night are you?' he screams at me. I tell him that if I was really interested in running after Ben all night I'd have stopped him from ordering at the bar and we'd have gone to meet Ben. Long story short, we have another heated discussion about the whole thing and that there must be something going on between Ben and me. I just finish quite a good tirade at him when I see Jeff coming towards me. Much as I like Jeff now was not the time. 'Hi babe,' I begin, 'can you give us five minutes?' we exchange a quick peck on the cheek (I didn't see Arsehole's face, fortunately). 'Sure, I'm just going for a pee anyway.' And off he pops. We're still talking when Jeff comes back. 'We're in Prague now.' he says and makes his exit. I thank him and look silently at Arsehole. He starts up, 'so where we going now?' 'Well I wanna go to Prague.' 'Oh, so because Ben and Jeff are in Prague we have to go there do we?' 'No, I just wanna go there.'

Truthfully, I had a little sneaky plan up my sleave. All will be revealed. I manage, somehow, to calm Arsehole down sufficiently to stop me from killing him before we get to Prague. We walk in and go to the bar. We pass Jeff on the way - he's all alone, aww - so I wave and wink. The bar is heaving but we queue anyway. After getting drinks we go back to where Jeff was. Now they all return: Ben, Graham (a friend of Ben and James), John, Chris, Michael and something that I figure was Michaels trade for the afternoon. Michael spots me and launches himself at me. I whisper to him that it's a bit difficult today as I have an agreement with Arsehole and I behave when I'm out with him. Michael is pretty cool with this but still demands a kiss and a hug. After I pull myself back from over the table I spot Arsehole storming off. Oh Shit i say to myself and chase after him. Turns out he was going to the machine to get some more cigarettes. He's fine, but doesn't want to spend all day with them. We return and chat to them all. He feels a little left out, so I do the introductions and he's a bit happier, but I get the feeling that the peace won't last too long.

In mid conversation we're all startled by Michael and Jeff. Michael is kneeling on the table and revealing his arse to Jeff. Jeff, with gleeful expression goes and takes huge (and I mean HUGE) bite at Michaels bare flesh and twists his head like a hungry dog. The look on Jeffs face when he let go was a picture. I know someone who enjoyed that, and someone who would definately do that again. The conversations start up again, but everyone is still thinking about Jeff and Michael. Arsehole tells me that he doesn't think that Michael is that bad, actually. I just grin a knowing grin back.

Ben stands up and announces that he's going off with Jeff to 'get some supplies'. I realise what's going down here. I ask Arsehole if he wants a pill later. He starts his own conversation, so I ask again: 'look, do you want a pill or not?' He answers, after much pressing for an answer, in the affirmative. So I indicate to Ben a quantity. He tells me they'll be back in 20 minutes.

Arsehole starts going on with himself. He's not too sure about hanging around with them with pills. It's pretty obvious that they're all hyper anyway and I just wanted to join in as it seemed fun. I knew that there was gonna be no chance of me getting up to any mischief that night, but it didn't matter. I was gonna have fun no matter what. The drugs arrived while I was at the bar. Ben popped over and gave me them. I wasn't about to take them there and then, so I told Arsehole to follow me to the loo in a few minutes. He was a bit shocked at the game I was playing, but he knew he either played or fell behind.

We dropped. Just after dropping we lost the others. I knew we'd pick them up later. No problems about that. Arsehole seemed to relax a bit. We changed venue, but decided to stand outside. The sun had gone down so there was a bit of a chill in the air. I didn't think I'd come up with standing in the cold and told Arsehole this. He told me not to be silly. Then he came up. I was starting to get the giddy feeling, but was far from coming up. We went for a walk. He wanted a pee so we found another pub for him to go in. I waited outside. One of the bouncers started flirting with me, I was a bit touched actually. I don't go for bouncers as a rule but this one was a bit of a sweetie. Arsehole came out and stood with me. We started to move, and then I stopped. I started to feel the tingle and a wide grin spread across my face. 'He hee. I've just come on.' I giggled. He asked me if I was ok. I said I was but I wanted to find Ben and Jeff.

So off we trotted. This time, he didn't complain about going to find them. We went into Hollywood. Couldn't see them downstairs. 'Piano Bar, upstair.' I said. You know, I think I'm beginning to be able to predict them. Lo and behold, there they were: Ben, Jeff and Graham. Arsehole sat down and I went to the bar. While I waited to be served, Jeff came over. 'You know what you said the other night, about Ben and James not knowing.' 'Uh huh', I said. 'Did you mean it?' 'Yeah, I've not told them.' 'I thought I'd heard right.' 'Why?' I asked. 'Oh, they told me off, a little, for not using a condom. So I told them we didn't do that.' I put my arm around him and gave him another peck on the cheek. 'You know the other thing I said, about talking?' he smiled at me. 'If you want my number you can get it...' 'off you!' he interrupted.

I'd forgotten it was the Eurovision Song Contest that night. That was what was going on in the Piano Bar. They were doing the voting. I could see that Arsehole was getting aggitated. I perched on a table. I was getting major rushes from all the applause, the first time I'd ever felt anything like that. I was loving it. Arsehole was still aggitated. 'You need music' I said to him. 'I'm off to get him some music' I said to the others. They understood and nodded and so downstairs we went. Just a quick boogie, Emma Bunton's 'Maybe'. Just enough and then back up. They hadn't moved any!

Still no music up there. To be honest, I couldn't listen to the voting. It was all just mush in my ears. I needed to dance a bit now. So we left and went over to Thompsons...

To be continued...

Friday, May 14, 2004

An Evening With Miss Runway

So I arrive at the usual place. Ben calls out to me as I pass by the window. I nearly didn't recognise him. He's had his hair cut. Oh my god, he looks so different. But he's still a sexy beast. I pop over, he's with Jeff who I recognise (obviously) and some others that I don't, then I go and get Ben a drink.

When I return it's just Ben and Jeff. 'You know Jeff?' Ben questioned. 'Yes, we've met a few times before.' Jeff looks a little puzzled. 'Last time we met he looked in a very bad state, but the time before the time before that, Vinny introduced us and it took about ten minutes to separate us.' The light slowly dawned and Jeff started to grin. 'Oh, yes. I remember now!' he chuckled.

'So how's you?' Ben asked. 'Oh, I'm waiting for the week to get better.' I replied. 'Oh yeah?' Ben queried, 'Why what's up?'. 'Been told a few days ago about a mate with testicular cancer, and another friend has an eye infection caused by something nasty.' 'What,' Ben began, 'the flu?' I looked at Jeff and I looked at Ben and I knew that he didn't really mean Influenza. 'Yep, that flu.' I answered. It turns out that Jeff had suffered with testicular cancer a few years back and now only has one ball, he told me that he would be willing to talk to my friend about it if I though that would help. I just said I'd pass it on. Ben held his hand out to me 'something for your head.' I took it. 'Don't hold it too long or it'll go slimy.' Discretely into my mouth, quick swig of lager and all was gone.

I was just starting to feel the buzz when the other people came back. Three of them, John and Chris who are a couple, and Michael who I learn was born in 1966. Yes, they're as hyper as I'm about to get. Michael keeps giving me the eye. He's actually rather good looking. John and Chris are talking, Ben goes to the loo I think and Jeff is writing his phone number down for Michael. Fast mover, I think to myself. Then Jeff goes to the bar and Ben has returned. He's stood at the side of Michael and they're comparing underwear. 'I don't know,' I shout across the table, 'you pair comparing knickers!' 'Ahh, you feeling left out?' Michael says with a wicked wink, 'Come over here then.' So I do, and perch on the arm of Michaels chair. Ben opens his fly and shows me what he's wearing, tight black boxer briefs. I squeeze his crotch and he leans over to attack my belt and fly. 'So what you wearing, then?' Ben asks. 'The usual' I go. 'Oh, yes, the white jock strap'. By this point, Michael has lifted my white vest top slightly and both he and Ben have a hand in the waist band of the jock. What happens next? Well, Michael deftly flicks my cock to an upright position and they both bob down to give it a little suck. I'm a little shocked as this is in broad daylight. Michaels hand wanders up my chest and finds my nipple ring. 'Ooo' he chimes, then lifts his t-shirt to reveal a barbell through each of his nipples and a completely hairless chest. I also notice that his jeans are still open and he pulls the front of his underwear open. He's completely hairless, I've got a bit of stubble down there as I'd not shaved that week. I also notice that he's got a gorgeously well defined body and his skin feels like velvet. Nice sized cock too! I give it a squeeze, look him square in the face and grin. I notice Jeff coming back, so quickly stand and fumble with my fly. We all giggle at what's just happened, then Michael asks me to write my number down for him. He programs it into his phone and then later takes a picture of me with his phone.

We change venue. Churchills, and it's dead. There's no music and I can see that Ben needs music. Jeff sits next to me and we chat a little, flirt a little. 'I don't know how to say this, I don't know how it's done. But, erm, I'm HIV+. Found out three weeks ago.' I tell Jeff that it's not a problem with me, and it really isn't. He spots someone coming in, makes an excuse and dives off after them. Michael sits next to me and begins chatting me up.

'So what you doing later then?' he asks.
'Not sure, probably gonna go back with Ben and Jeff.'
'Ah, just I was wondering what would be the best way to terrorise you.'
'Terrorise me?' I said, a little startled. 'Not sure if I like the sound of that.'
'The way I terrorise people is not the same was as others terrorise people.'
'Go on.' I say.
'I like to start at the bottom, with your toes and work my way up. It takes a long time but you'll feel so much better by the time I've finished with you.'

I get the idea, now. It looks like he's some masseur or some such. I'm a bit interested, after all, he is good looking. But I'm more keen to go home with Ben and Jeff tonight. I tell him that that sounds really interesting. Then Jeff comes back.

'There's always the one you forget.' He says, a little forlornly. I get the idea of what's just occured but I don't say anything. We start to kiss. The drugs kick in with both of us and the hands start to wander. Jeff missed out on my crotch last time so he's making sure he gets some now! My fly is open again, half of Jeffs arm is in there. I hold him and say 'not just yet, not in here' I can see we're all getting some strange looks. Ben calls for some music. Finally we get some.

Time passes and where it goes to I really don't know. All I remember is there being more people there. Next I know is that I'm being called on karaoke (well it is Thursday) to do a song. I can't remember putting one in, but I get up and do it anyway. Down To Earth, it's not bad, either. Change of venue, Hollywood and the piano bar upstairs. Downstairs is music and dancing, Ben and Jeff just wanna chill a bit to, yes, yet more karaoke. It's dead here as well. Ben is chatting complete garbage, so I just agree with him Jeff puts a song in and I put a song in. I must be getting brave. I do Samantha Mumba's Gotta Tell You. It's ok, but with so few people in it felt a bit wet and limp. Jeff is looking at me the whole time. Then Jeff does I Got You Babe as a duet. I'm looking at him. He's really cute, I'd noticed before, but now I knew it. Ben was still on the opposite side of the table in his own little world.

Jeff finished the song and came and sat down next to me. I told him I thought he was cute, that I'd always thought that. We kissed, snogged and groped a bit. Things were starting to develop between me and Jeff.

'I'm not up for relationships at the minute, my head can't do it.' I said
'That's ok, I don't want that either.'
'All I want are some good friends, a good time and lots of..'
'FUN' Jeff chorused.
'Yea, fun. Lots of good fun.'

I knew then it was time for me to come clean with Jeff.

'Jeff, you know how I said that I'd not got a problem with you being positive.' I began,
'Well, it's because I'm positive as well. But I've not told Ben and James yet.'

Jeff thought for a moment and said, 'I kinda thought you might be.' But there was a gleam in his eyes that he didn't care about that, but that he was pleased to find someone else. The rest of the outing is a blur. I know we sat upstairs at Mantos for a while and then we went back to Ben and James.

James was waiting for us when we got in. Their flat is always warm. So we all came in and sat down and started chatting. Ben next to James and me next to Jeff. Ben went to the loo and came back just wearing his boxer briefs. A few moments later, I went to the loo, came back in and removed my jacket and vest top and went to sit back next to Jeff. We were both next to a radiator so I wasn't that much cooler. Jeff took his top off. Jeff had been complaining earlier that he was fat like James, but to be honest neither of them are really fat, just slightly fatter than me and Ben. I took my jeans off and then Jeff followed suit. So I was in my jock strap, Jeff in football shorts and Ben in briefs and James still clothed.

Jeff leant forward a little so I moved behind him so I could talk with Ben and James and put my arm around Jeff. I began to stroke his chest. I do get very tactile. Jeff responded by reaching behind to start fingering me. I tried to be discrete, but I think my moaning was pretty obvious. I moved my hand into his shorts and felt his cock. Nice, but it seemed strange to only find one ball down there. I think I was hoping that Ben and James would follow suit but they didn't. I didn't mean to seem rude, but I was getting very horny and more and more into what Jeff was doing to me. Ben and James disappeared leaving me and Jeff alone.

Soon the shorts and jock were removed. Jeff got between my legs and lifted my arse high in the air and proceeded to eat me out. Well, it's not much of a secret that I can enjoy that for hours. Then he put me down and sucked my dick. Out came the poppers and I was cruising through outer space. I changed position so that I could suck Jeff for a while. He really enjoyed that but I could tell that he had other plans. A little more arse eating, a little more fingering, a little more sucking and then he tried to penetrate me. It took a few attempts but eventually he got it into me. It was nice. It actually reminded me of Mart, but I knew I had to get my mind back to where I was now.

We couldn't find a good position where both of us were comfortable. I know we played around for hours, but neither of us came. I suggested we move to the other couch as it was longer. I think we both wanted more sex, but the reality was that we both just fell asleep in each other arms. It's been a long time since I've done that. A very long time, but it was nice.

I was the first to wake the next morning and I knew I had to get back home. Things to do regarding the car. I kissed Jeff awake. I realised just how cute he was sleeping. 'Babe, I gotta go. But I do want to see you again.' Still half asleep, he smiled. 'Ok' he moaned. I let myself out of the flat. I knew Jeff would be asleep again soon. I didn't want to leave, but things had to get done at home.

It's A Knockout!!

After a night at Kyle's I was glad to be going home on Wednesday. We'd picked up Charlie on the way through town. The idea being that I'd go home with Arsehole and Mart and Charlie would go back to Marts. Heh heh! Reality always does the things you don't expect. So we get back to Marts, Arsehole starts to prepare a mix for the bong. 'I don't do bongs,' says Charlie, 'but I'll roll a spliff.' We try and convince him to try it, but he's unmoveable. No problem, we give him the gear and he begins to roll. What he didn't appear to realise was that we were already smashed from earlier in the day and we weren't that interested in a joint. He lit the joint, smoked a bit of it, and then passed it round. Being polite, Mart, Arsehole and myself only had a bit and then I handed it back to Charlie. He was a bit shocked but accepted it. I told him that it was his joint as we'd got the bong. Five minutes later we're all in the kitchen except Charlie who was semi-comatose in the livingroom.

A gorgeous meal was prepared of bacon in pasta with a sauce that we'll probably only be able to recreate in that frame of mind. Oh, it was like heaven on a plate. None of us left any, except Charlie who was still on another planet! Bless. We watched some TV, I think, chatted shit as normal, and then all went to bed.

Kath, Mart's flatmate had come back from work by the time I got up the following morning. It looked like she'd had a hard night. She's a really attractive girl but that morning she looked terrible. At one point she passed a comment about Mart. I could have died. I don't remember what it was, but it was something about us all being after Mart. Rumbled!!! Not quite!

We stayed for a few hours and then Arsehole and I began the walk home. I wanted to call in at the supermarket on the way to get a few bits and pieces and remembered that Arsehole had wanted to talk with me about Shayla and his boyf. Shayla had sent me a text message asking if he could have a chat with me. I hadn't responded as I was smashed when it came through and then my battery went dead. Arsehole told me the story so far and I had a good talk with him about CD4s, Viral Loads and the main aims of the medications. Seems like the boyf had been taking a cocktail of drugs but had told Shayla that they were just anti-biotics. It didn't sound right to me, so I told him that I'd show him some of the stuff I'd read about CMV and its treatment. And also asked him to tell Shayla that I'd be only too glad to talk. I know I've been at a low ebb and not really all there but despite that I felt that I could still help. After all, I'd probably got more of an idea of what was going on in the boyfs head and the best way for Shayla to try and cope with it.

We got home, at last. The cat was going demented at being left for so long. A neighbour knocked on as the ECU for Gloria had arrived (yay!), so Arsehole started the ringing around to try and get the car from one garage to another for the damn thing to be fitted. I'm just hoping that this is going to be the last of the problems. Ok, so I'm gonna be getting rid of the car sooner rather than later, but for the moment I just want my car back.

I'd already decided that I wanted to spend the night by myself and Arsehole was cool with this. He kept asking was I sure I didn't want him to stay, was I sure I'd be ok. I kept telling him I'd be fine. Sooner or later I was gonna have to stand on my own two feet anyway. He stayed a few hours and asked if I'd walk him part way in to town as it was a nice day. It was a lovely afternoon - we do get them from time to time in Manchester - so I agreed. The reality of me being left alone was beginning to dawn on me. He asked me if I was going out later. I said I didn't know, but that I didn't think so. He went to the loo just before we left, and I sent a text message to Ben asking what him and James were up to that night. We left and started the walk towards town.

When I got back, Ben had replied saying he was out with Jeff and was I coming out too. I texted back that I could be out if he wanted me to. The reply was that of course he wanted me there.

Ok, I know I shouldn't, but I'm going out to meet Ben and Jeff. Life is a rollercoaster and I'm going to go ahead and ride it!

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Going To The Hospital

Aside from life being a tad on the hectic side at the moment I'm also a little down in the dumps. Main reason why I've not kept up with my diary as well as I usually do. And going to the hospital today was not a nice experience.

The appointment was to get the results of my blood counts. Well, they say you gotta take the rough with the smooth. Just when I was getting my head together with the HIV the thing I most dread happens. Current scores: V-L 36900 which is good, CD4 244 which is not so good. I'm crapping myself. Margaret isn't in so I'm seen by a different doctor. That doesn't bother me too much until he tells me the scores and I so wished that Margaret had been there for that. Call it familiarity, I don't know.

So I gotta give more blood in about a fortnight - he wanted me to do it then but I was too traumatised. Basically, he wants to repeat the test to make sure it's accurate and because I'm below 250 he says it's time to start considering what the drug options are. I was told before that the scores can bounce around a bit in the early days but that never prepared me. I've even been signed up for a resistance test. I'm hopeless with tablets so you can only imagine how down I feel about being at this point so soon. It was always the stage I was dreading.

For the first time I've told my manager that I'm taking a few days out to get my head together. To be honest, I suppose I've not done too badly. I'm six months in to all of this and this is the first time I've properly taken time off work. I hate taking time off as no one else can do a lot of my job. I'm one of those people who do a lot of unthanked things in the background and am only really missed when I'm not there to do them. Just means I'll have to pick up a lot of crap when I get back to the office.

Arsehole has been brilliant with me. He knows I'm not in a good place with these results and has been very sympathetic. So the next two days were spent getting stoned with Mart and Kyle. I made a promise back in December to tell them what was going on, I intend to keep that promise and feel awful that I havent told them yet. But Mart knows there's something wrong. I can see it in his eyes.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004


Monday was just one of those days. Three meetings back-to-back and they all over ran. Meetings are ok, sometimes I enjoy them, but they take me away from what I do best - work. Arrived home about 5.20pm just as Arsehole was walking up. Good timing (for once that day). We'd not been in more than 10 minutes when the phone rang. It was Kyle saying that he and Mart were going out and did we fancy coming. I explained that I'd only been in 10 minutes and that going out was not in my head at that moment in time, maybe in about an hour I'd seriously consider it. I also wanted to put the weekend activities in my diary while they were still fresh to my mind.

As it was, we ended up going out. It was only supposed to be a quiet drink, but...
...why can I never go out just for a quiet drink these days?

Kyle and Mart had decided that as I was going to the hospital the following day, all I could have was drink - they were on pills. Arsehole went to the bar and I sat with Kyle and Mart. There was a great deal of flirtatious eye movement from Mart and I got the start of the 'I'm not gonna tell you not to do it again, 'cos I know you will anyway' talk from Kyle. Mart kept giving me that look throughout the night. I couldn't ignore it, he knew he was doing it. I told him to stop it at one point, but he just grinned. It turns out that he enjoyed what happened, he doesn't regret it happening but that it can't happen all the time as he has feelings that he knows he shouldn't have. So that's all three things we have in common.

Kyle is a bit disgusted with me about it. He doesn't like it but is prepared to turn a blind eye providing it's not under his nose. Kyle tells me that Mart has actually fancied me for a long time, but I didn't hear that from him. I never knew that. A lingering memory is that of Mart and me being the only two on the dancefloor and dancing to the Timewarp. Crazy. Trying to steal each moment but not make it obvious.

So do I love this guy? Yes, I probably do. But I know I'm not in love with him. If you see the difference. The sex is brilliant, Mart is a very kind and considerate lover, but that is as far as it could ever go with us. But I'm not sad about that.

Being Bad: Epilogue

Morning came all too soon. Don't know how much sleep I got. Mart told me later that I was wasted and that they just put a quilt over me and went to bed. Mart and Charlie were still asleep when Marts flatmate came home from work. I was awake (I'd been to the loo at the usual frequency: once every 45 minutes) and popped into the bedroom to get my things. I had to make a move shortly. As I came out of the bedroom she noticed me. I kinda think she though we'd been playing three-in-the-bed even though there was a quilt on one of the couches. It probably didn't help with me reversing out of the bedroom in just my jock strap carrying my bag, coat and other things.

I was due to meet Arsehole at 1pm outside the hotel, but knew I had to be there sooner. It didn't help that my watch was knackered, well, the battery was going so time was slowing down. I arrive just after 12 and stand and wait. My legs are shaking like crazy. It's hard work even to stand. I'm getting funny looks from the hotel porters and start thinking about Arsehole coming down last night to have it all out with me in person. He arrives just before 1pm. We go for a walk around town while we talk it all over. It's eventually kinda sorted.

The last thing I fancy is a drink, but we end up in a pub having something to eat. I know that alcohol is gonna finish me off. Finally get home about 4pm and I end up crashing on the couch. God am I knackered.

Monday, May 10, 2004

More To Come...

There's a bit more to this story - including what happened for the rest of the weekend.

But that's all for now. Yep, Kyle and Mart have demanded I go out tonight (Kyle is back in Manchester). I think it may have something to do with me going to the hospital tomorrow and them wanting to relax me. So tomorrow you'll get the continuation of the weekend, tonight and an update on my scores!!

Oh, and by the way, I sent Mart a text message this afternoon:

"Hi baby. Still having naughty thoughts about you. Sorry about the weekend. Another time? Maybe?"

Maybe I'll get an answer tonight...

Being Bad pt 6: I Nearly Bag Me A Longhair

Cruz is ok. I'd never been in there on a Friday night before. Well, not for a long time. It started out dead and I was thinking about going elsewhere but I knew that Mart wanted to be in there. So we dance a bit (on an empty dancefloor), drink (water) and pop a few more pills.

Time goes on and I notice that Mart has his eye on someone. No problem with this, after all, there's nothing serious between us. And I am kind sat on the edge of the dancefloor in my own world. Then I spot him. He's gorgeous and boy what a body and boy does he know what to do with it. Britney's being all Toxic and he's shaking his money maker. I'm captivated. So I get up and dance. We encircle each other with bodies, arms and hands. Getting very close. He tells me I'm a good dancer and I tell him likewise. Things are just about to start getting good when...

... I feel my stomach start to churn. I thought I was gonna be sick. I made my excuses and dashed (as fast as pilled up legs can carry you) to the loo. I didn't want to be sick as I knew that if I did I'd loose the drugs and I didn't want that (heh heh). So I just stood in the cool air of the loo, trying to force it all back down. I was sweating profusely, I felt white and light headed. But it passed and I went back to where I was before.

When I got there my longhair was gone. I was well upset. If I hadn't have done that I'd have had him. I know I would. Hmm, must tell Ben there's another longhair on the scene and that he's gorgeous. Ben likes long hair as I do. He'll probably tell me he had him!!

The night rolls on and it's clear that Mart is taking this lad back with him. Fine. We get a taxi back to Marts, the three of us.

Back at Marts, he and Charlie are on one couch and I'm on another. Charlie is pissed, Mart and I pilled up. Charlie drops a half, Mart and I drop another full one. I'm feeling horny but Mart is getting clingy with Charlie. A threesome would have been nice (Mart might have gone for that, I don't know) but I don't think that was on the cards.

So bed time comes. Mart and Charlie in bed (Mart says they're not having sex) and me on the couch, frustrated, but knackered.

All together, 1, 2, 3: Ahhhhhh.

Being Bad pt 5: Homeboi and Mart Hit Manchester

So we're finally out in Manchester. In Thompsons, two vodka and cokes later and we're talking and flirting. 'You know you can't lie to me anymore', Mart says, 'I know, you've seen me do it.' I reply. 'Hmm. I know what to look for.' 'Honey, now you know what a good actress I can be!!'. He giggles that giggle and smiles.

We visit a few places before we hit Hollywood. We'd decided that Hollywood would be the first 'drop' point. We drop, dance, drink, chat. I spot Jeff at the back of the dancefloor and let on to him. He acknowledges me, but I think after what happened last time that that one is a non-starter. A bit more dancing and Vinny arrives. A quick peck, he gets a drink. 'I'm not here' I say. He smiles a wide smile, 'ok, and who are we hiding from?' 'Do you need to ask?' 'Ah, ok. I understand. Jeff's over there!!'

Later on, I tell Mart that I'm just popping upstairs to see what's going on. I already know that it's karaoke. Vinny's there and looking to put another song in. While he's singing I decided I'm gonna put one in. Ok, so I'm supposed to be in hiding - hiding in a very public way. Oh, drugs really do alter your perceptions of things!!! So, while I wait to sing, I just pop down to Mart. He's bopping away in a little world of his own, bless. I tell him I'll be back down in a minute. He's fine with this but says are we gonna go to Cruz in a bit. I tell him we'll go when I come back.

So I sing on karaoke. It wasn't that bad, actually. Vinny knows I'm as high as a kite, and I have a cuddle and a quick peck from him. Then I go downstairs to collect Mart and we goto Cruz.

Being Bad pt 4: Homeboi Phones Home

It got to 6.45pm. I decided I had to ring home and find out what was going on. Well, it was a short break before tea and I'd popped to my room to get something. I rang and said that I'd noticed that my phone had been hammered a bit. Then he told me what he'd discovered. I went ape. I really did. I have a big thing about personal space and personal information. I was annoyed more at the fact that he'd been digging around my computer than the fact that he'd read a conversation that wasn't meant for his consumption.

I already knew that he'd planned to come to the hotel and interrupt the meeting to speak to me. But he'd already been told by Mart to just leave it, and speak with me the following day. I told him that I'd see him tomorrow. I can understand how hurt he was, but he hadn't put so many factors into the equation. So I wasn't prepared to accept what he was saying, and prepared to appologise until that point.

Mart overheard me from the bedroom. He was impressed. I was ready for a good night now. Yes, I felt empowered.

Being Bad pt 3: Rumbled!?!?!?!?

Mart had just got out of the shower. I was stood in the kitchen and felt my mobile go off in my trouser pocket. I pulled the phone out, it was Arsehole ringing from home. Shit, I thought, he's seen through the cover story. I told Mart. He looked at me with terror. It rang a few times, I didn't answer. I didn't want to speak to him. Just him ringing had already started to get me jumpy. Then he rang Mart on his house phone.

I was gestured to turn my phone off. I did. Mart spoke at some length to Arsehole. It was clear that Mart was kinda torn between amusement and fear. The upshot: Arsehole had been on my computer and read part of an old conversation I'd had with Ben. I'd basically told Ben that I'd had sex with Arsehole and he was crap in bed and that I wish it'd have been Ben I was sleeping with. In hindsight, that occasion wasn't that bad, but I wrote that to Ben because of the way I thought about Arsehole (we'd not been getting on too well at that point) and my own internal problems with sex.

After he got off the phone, Mart said, 'Oh, you stupid cow!! why did you give him passwords for your computer. I can't believe you!!!' I instantly thought about other conversations I'd had - yes, I log conversations on Messenger but they are for my own memory only. I was confused about how he'd accessed that as the chat logs are protected (I thought) and knew that he had to have gone digging around the computer. I also kinda panicked about him reading this, my diary. Well, this does contain everything I get up to!! But at least one thing I was sure of: he'd not seen through the cover story. Of that I was pleased.

It was time to get dressed. Mart had arranged to meet someone from work at 8, it was now gone 6 and neither of us were ready. Kyle had phoned (from France) so he knew what was going on and also called me a name for letting Arsehole loose on my computer.

Mart had been running around in just a towel and I was so tempted to tear it off, but he does have issues with his body and I didn't want to press him into something uncomfortable.

Being Bad pt2: Meeting Mart

I'd arranged to meet Mart after he finished work. There was some confusion over the times during the day - we spoke a couple of times. I'd told Arsehole that I had to be at the hotel (where the residential was taking place) for about 4.30pm. I got into town at about that time (I'm very good at timing!). But I didn't know where to get a bus to get to Marts. At 4.55pm Mart rang me on my mobile to ask where I was. I told him and said there was a bus in front of me. 'Get on that one, you know where you are going.' he said, so I did.

Arrived at Marts about 5.30pm - got stuck in outbound traffic. I buzzed on the intercom. 'You're gonna have a shock when you see me.' he said through the speaker. I thought, ok, he's either gonna be naked (yum yum) or something else. It was something else, but nice all the same. He'd been to have his hair done (shaved back and sides) and the top bleached. It was very striking as the bleach was very fresh. I wasn't sure at first, but it did grow on me. He'd also been on a sunbed, so the tanned flush of his skin looked good. Marts skin is like mine, very pale.

We went into the flat and I put my stuff down. I was wearing a shirt and tie - Mart said I looked very nice - which is something I don't wear very often as I've never felt comfortable dressed like that. Had a brew, smoked, and chatted. Then Mart said he was just gonna take a shower. I felt like joining him, but, nah, save that for later.

Being Bad pt1: The Cover Story

Ok, so the cover story. Thanks go to James for this one. I was clueless and he came up with the suggestion: I have to work into the weekend. Now, it is not uncommon for me to be away with work, though usually it is during the week. Having to escape from the end of the week into the weekend had never happened.

The story worked because there was a management residential taking place. So, I was called to a secondary meeting on the back of this residential - meeting some people that my senior manager knew who just happened to be in Manchester.

I told Arsehol about it in the afternoon. He'd had to go and run some errands and so that was when I got 'the phone call'. He was a bit pissed off that I was going out, but realises that my work is important to me, and that he couldn't stand in the way of that. If truth be told, he was more pissed off at the fact that I 'was staying at the hotel over night when I didn't have to'. Ah, well. Shit happens!

Friday, May 07, 2004

Oh, I'm A Bad Bad Boy...

... but soooo good at it!

I've just turned on my mobile - it's been off for days 'cos I'm hiding. Mart sent me a message yesterday afternoon:

"u bad boy u just cant help yourself im not complaining though just been ch hill for a few bits c.u tomorrow eve ill ring u"

Slight change of plan, as well. It makes sense really. We know we're gonna be off our heads, and we know that there's gonna be some cute guys there. But cute straight guys and us out of our trees will probably not mix too well. And I don't fancy having to explain why I've got black eyes and a number of broken bones. So we're going to town. We know it's risky being seen and all that, but at least we'll feel more comfortable. Neither of us want a bad paranoia trip.

My cover story... well, it's in hand and does involve me being in town, and should give me until at least midday tomorrow. But no more on that until after the event.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

It's The Little Things...

... that make life interesting.

Arsehole turned up yesterday afternoon about 2pm. It was arranged so I didn't mind. I still had to go out and get road tax for the car. He'd decided to come a bit early so as to miss the rain that looked like it was on its way. I told him about all the research I'd done into CMV and he admitted to me that the more he thought about it himself the more it seemed that something wasn't being mentioned. He grumbled a bit that I'd not been to get the car taxed and that we were walking to the post office to get it done. Ha! Tough!! You think I'm gonna give you an easy life? Walk and enjoy the exercise!!!

So anyway, we go out. It pisses it down. I don't mind the rain, never really have done. I was wrapped up warm enough and it wasn't cold anyway. Round trip took about an hour and a half - we stopped so he could have something to eat. We'd decided earlier that it might be nice to go out that night so I got some money for that as well while we were out. When we got back, Mart rang up and spoke to Arsehole (I did my usual: 'I'm not here, tell them I'm shagging a big black man') and invited us round that evening. The idea was to get some cans and get stoned. I'd been missing Mart all day so I was really up for it and trying hard not to let Arsehole realise it.

I throw myself in the bath - even though I know nothing is gonna happen tonight I still tart myself up a bit - and get ready, ring a taxi, and wait. I'm looking forward to seeing Mart but I just wished Arsehole wasn't gonna be there. We got the beer and walked across to Marts. He has to come down to open the front door. He lets us in, we're walking up the stairs, Mart locks up and starts climbing after me, reaches out and grabs my arse. It shocks me and I yelp. Arsehole doesn't realise what's happened so I just say I missed my footing on the stairs. He's none the wiser.

We started out listening to music. That Madonna CD, the one we had sex to. There's a remix of 'Human Nature' that I just can't get out of my head and it reminds me of Mart everytime I hear it. When he put it on, he looked at me and gave me that knowing glance. 'My baby's got a secret...'

The night was mainly spent with stolen moments while Arsehole was in the kitchen or the loo, a quick peck, a sly touch. We didn't sit next to each other and maybe that was a good thing. I don't know. I've never spent an entire evening talking with someone in code and riddles. One thing that is clear to me is that Mart is as blown away by what's happened as I am. He blew out my initial idea for a cover story by saying he was going to his Mums. I suppose that cuts away any possible ideas that there's something going on. But I'm still left without a cover and time is running out. Why do I need a cover story? Well, you ain't seen Arsehole if he thinks he's being left out. You know, we've not been together for nearly two years but sometime he appears to think we're still an item.

It still felt naughty. I spent all night just dying to get my hands all over him. His flat mate was at work so it was planned that Arsehole and I would have his bed and he would sleep in hers. But I so wanted to be in the same bed as him. In some ways it's just like having an affair, in other ways it's worse.

We very nearly got caught. Only nearly. We were well wankered and Arsehole was watching TV. Mart went into the kitchen to make a brew and I needed to stand and get some air so I went into the kitchen. Mart was sat on a stool waiting for the kettle, I stood at the side of him and stroked his side and put my head on his shoulder. We both whispered something but I can't remember what it was. I'd just stood up as Arsehole came through to go to the loo. Mart looked at me and I looked at him. Our thought: 'Shit!! we've been rumbled.' But no, he'd not seen anything and didn't think anything was going on.

The icing was this morning though. Mart asked me whether I though he should get his nipple pierced today. He's been thinking about it since I got mine done, and apparently he's had it done before. I said I didn't know, but that he'd be better off waiting as he's in work later. We got to talking about it and he asked me how mine was. I stood up in front of him and raised my t-shirt and showed it to him. 'It's ok, but needs cleaning you can see the crap on the side of it.' I said. 'I can't really see it from here' he replied. 'I'm not gonna put it right in your face, well, not in public anyway.' This shocked Mart. His expression was 'I can't believe you said that with Arsehole sat right next to me'. He beamed, in shock and delight. I just gave him a wicked grin back as if to let him know that he could see it and anything else he wanted anytime he wanted to. Arsehole went out to the loo and Mart leant forward and whispered 'you are so naughty!' I blew him a kiss. We giggled.

As Arsehole and I left, he stood at the front door and mouthed 'ring me' and beamed again. It was so hard having to leave him, there, alone. He's falling, if he's not already fallen for me. And me, well, I think what I've said sums up pretty much where I stand on the whole thing. I mean, I've had sex with fuck knows how many men in my life and never felt like this afterwards. I don't know what's going on. I do love him, but getting to a point where I'm 'in love' with him would cause complications. And that wouldn't be fair on him. Maybe it's just a flash in the pan, maybe it's something more. Either way, we're gonna have a good ride and a lot of fun on the journey.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Do You Believe In Life After Lust?

You know how I said I was gonna ring Mart today. Well, he beat me too it. 'Heeeelllllooooo Daarrrling! Still friends?' he enquired. 'Oh, hi baby. Yeah, course we are.' He said he'd told Kyle about it and said that he wasn't gonna take him on. That means that Kyle won't say anything as it's something he don't stand a chance of winning.

I really feel like I'm falling for this guy. I get mushy thinking about him. Oh, this is bad news. 'We can always blame it on the pills, and he only needs to know it happened once.' he said. 'But you know that's its not gonna be just a one off.' I responded. 'Oh, too right!' he screamed. He was at home with his flatmate and she was listening to the conversation. I think you can safely say that she knows what's happened.

He's toying with the idea of taking up karate: 'do you think I'll look alright in a karate suit?', 'I think you'll look pretty sexy in it.' 'I am pretty athletic.', 'Oh, I found that one out.', 'You're pretty athletic yourself.' If you can blush over the phone, then I did.

I've still got to get a cover story sorted for Friday and I've got about two hours to come up with it. I'll think of something. The shit will seriously hit the fan if Arsehole gets even the slightest whiff of this.

'So ring me on Friday, that's if we don't speak beforehand.' It's a pretty safe bet we will speak before Friday. But I'm determined that nothing is gonna stop Friday from happening. Me and Mart in a straight rave club, now that will be worth waiting for.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Oh Dear, I've Just Been Bollocked!

Out of the blue. I've just come off the phone to Kyle. He's ringing me all the way from France: his boyf has gone to bed and he's dying to catch up with what's going on back up here.

'So, I believe you've got something to tell me.' He starts, this is after I try and exercise what's left of my high-school French lessons.
'Erm, you've been talking to Mart, haven't you?' I reply.
'Yeah, phoned him earlier today. He said he'd got some gossip, but he wanted to tell me face to face. I told him he couldn't leave me like that.'
'So he told you?'
'Yes. Oh, you're awful! You can't go around shagging your sisters like that!'
I started to giggle, 'and you can stop giggling like that, it's not funny. You shouldn't do that. You slut!' he giggled back.

Only a short call. Yep, I've been bollocked and told not to do it again. Naughty schoolgirl mode has really kicked in now! Yeah, I knew that Kyle would get to know sooner or later and I was worried about how I would react when I next saw him, so this kind of does mean that he won't be as bad when he gets back. We just won't have to mention what happens on Friday, if Friday happens.

I'm gonna have to call Mart tomorrow during the day. I've not stopped thinking about him all day today. From the way that Kyle told me what Mart had said to him I know that he's at peace with it and the whole situation is cool. I very nearly sent him a text message today. Something along the lines of 'Loved your sexy body on Sunday. Can't wait to see you again.' But I know that that would feel strange. Yeah, we're gonna end up closer than ever and I know he's always gonna be in my life. But I can't and I won't stand in his way. My little baby has his whole life ahead of him.

So I thought I knew the difference between love and lust. It's been a long time since I felt like this about anyone. Well, since I first met Ben and James, and that scene is so different. I can't be falling in love. I just can't. It wouldn't work between us in that way anyway. Putting it down to the drugs doesn't work. This has been brewing since last summer. Let's just put it down to being two very horny, sexy lads.

God, am I terrible!

In Other News...

Met Shayla's new boyf last night. He's been back with his family down south over the weekend, and it was a hell of a journey back up: rail engineering work, bank holiday services and rail-replacement busses. Glad I was in Manc on a come-down!!

Shayla had told me the other night that he was due in hospital today for a few hours due to an infection he'd caught in Ibiza. He explained bits of what it was, what it did but couldn't remember quite what it was. I asked whether it was CMV (Cytomegalovirus), Shayla said it was. Ok, this started alarm bells ringing in my head but I couldn't talk too much about it as this came up whilst sat in a straight pub (yes, homeboi may be a screamer but I have been known to drink in straight establishments). As you do, almost by instinct, I asked whether he was positive. Shayla said that they'd spoken about it and he wasn't. I still wasn't convinced. CMV is a nasty piece of work, there is some information from Aegis and AidsMap. The treatments for it don't sound very pleasant.

Arsehole and I spent a few hours with Shayla on Monday afternoon while we were waiting for K to arrive. The conversation turned to K's impending hospital appointment. Bearing in mind that we also got quite stoned, the conversation covered CMV, HIV, drugs and quite a few other things. Shayla also tried explaining about the CMV. I'd already pointed out that because of my status I could be very prone to CMV, and that it wasn't common amongst neggies. But he kept talking about white blood cells, viral loads and things I've (by necessesity) had to become very knowledgeable about, and coming out with all manner of inaccuracies - and this comes from someone who claims to have had a number of positive boyfriends. I think I asked him again whether K was positive but got the response that that wasn't a question for him to answer. The icing on the cake, however, was when as he was leaving to meet K, he looked me square in the face and said 'You don't know anything about his CMV'. Or, to translate, you don't know why he's going to the hospital and you don't ask him anything about it. Fine enough with me.

K is actually a nice guy. He's a southener, so after I got through the language barrier (this took longer than usual due to the come-down and getting very stoned in the late afternoon) I had no trouble understanding him. Maybe the lighting at Shayla's was purposefully dim, I don't know, but it did make it hard for me to make a decision about whether he was positive or not. He's certainly slim enough, and the face is drawn enough. At one point I could have sworn I saw needle scars in the crook of his arm, but when I tried to look further I couldn't notice them. I put that down to the light.

Now this sounds like I have a problem with other poz people. That couldn't be further from the truth. I'll admit to being curious as I'm still on the road of finding my own feet with this aspect of my life. Talking with Little James helped me so much and maybe I miss that. I don't know. I understand the issues poz people have with disclosure, and it's just that if K is poz, I'd like him to feel that we wont think anything less of him. In fact, quite the contrary. The status of anyone, whether it be poz or neg, has no bearing on how I feel for them. This is something that hasn't changed with me, and something that never will.