Homeboi's Diary

'I got a bone to pick with you!!' Kyle goes over the phone.
'Oh shit. What've I done now?' I reply
'And I don't mean that bone, you saucy mare.'
I laugh.
'You never told me you had an asian in the back of a car!!'
'Though I told you on Saturday.' I said.
'Nope.' he said matter-of-factly.
'Aww sorry hon,' I started, 'I really thought I did.'
'No. So go on, what happened?'
'Well, I was walking down the street. I wanted to get a taxi home but this car pulled up. He said, and I thought about it, then got in.'
'aahh' he screamed, 'you bitch!! What street?'
'The one outside the sauna.
'What did he look like?'
'I dunno. Squarish face, dark hair...'
'...well obviously!'
'...cute, late 20s early 30s.'
'Good looking?'
'Not bad.'
'God what u like?'
'Hon. I was twatted. I'm lucky to remember it was a white car!'
'I can't believe you've done that!!'

We arrive at Risa. There's only a handful of people in there and I think we're about to tip the balance on the staff:customer ratio. Our first port of call is not to find a table or place to stand (though why stand when comfy couches and seats are in plentiful supply?), or even the bar. Nope, off we trot to the loo. Giggling like school girls as we climb up the stairs. I know where we're going so I lead the way. We get to the outer door of the toilet area and Mart chimes up 'Are we there yet?'. Chris starts laughing and I can't help it either.

We fill up three of the available cubicles and I hear Mart shouting to Chris over the partition '... and I don't know why she needs to go. She already pissed in the park. Fuck, my Mother's a dirty bitch!!' I continue what I'm doing, manage to pee, then start my role as meds nurse for the night and prepare our first dosage of the evening. One pill in my mouth and then two ready to deliver to them. I flush and exit, grinning. Mart and Chris are leaning by the urinals. Chris is laughing and Mart is still going on. There's a lad at the urinal who turns and give me a rather frightened look as I pass. 'Hey, ' I start, 'It was only a half-pint glass so I only half-emptied. And you expect me to have a strong bladder after two kids and all I've drunk?' We're all howling now and falling back through the outer door with laughter. For some reason I nearly take them further up the stair, until I remember, 'No, other way.' I knock Chris's hand. 'For you..' I purr. Mart's half way down the flight of stairs. 'Honey! Honey!' I cry pointing my hand towards him. He twigs what's goin on, pulls back a bit, takes my hand, the drop, and we carry on. Drinks are ordered and we sit down.

Just at that moment I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I took it out, a text message from Mum:

We love you. Take care. xx

'Message from Mum.' I said to Mart. The timing of the message arrival made me wonder whether Mum and Dad were close by. I replied then put my phone away:

Thanks just been 2 the vigil. I cried as expected. always do. But was better than last year. With Mart and Chris in bar Risa. Now we party. Love u 2 xxx

A feeling that I need to include Mum in more of my life came over me. Mart spotted it. 'You need to let your mum be more involved. She wants to help.' he said. 'If I didn't know better I'd swear they were in the park.' I said. 'Told em we're here, dunno if they'll come if they're out. Nice if they did.

Another message:

I was with u in spirit. Crying my eyes out. Wish I'd been with you. As I said I love you. Please take great care. You are very precious to me. xxx

Again I took my phone out. 'Reply from Mum.' I said as the message opened. I started to read the message, and my eyes started to fill as I scrolled through it. 'Aww Mum.' I moaned pitifully and turned to Mart. 'Mart, look.' I moaned handing the phone to Mart. He handed the phone back and put his arm round me. 'Aww hon. That's lovely.' I was deeply touched. 'Next year they're here with me'. I said aloud, wiping tears from my face. It took me a while, but I managed a reply:

Aww mum. That means so much to me. I'm in good hands. they'll look after me. They know i'm a bit blubby. Next year u an dad will be with me in person not just in sprirt. Love u loads. xxx

Then Mum responded:

Good. Enjoy but most of all take care. xxx nite nite xx

I read the message and composed myself. Put my phone away and took a deep breath. It was one of those moments where no one quite knew how to break the silence. Mart, as ever, found a way. His head slowly turned from straight on to right at me, eyes as wide as wheelie-bins with a dumb grin on his face. 'Oooo. I can feel that now!' he said in an awestruck monotone. I spun to look at Chris, his hand over his mouth trying to control his convulsions. I started to giggle and shook my head.

Right, I thought time to sort out my attire. Jacket off. 'Oh my god!', Mart started. 'I didn't see that before.' refering to my collar.
I got the wrist cuffs out of my bag and tried to put them on while holding a conversation. Bad idea. Chris decided to assist. I tried talking again. 'Yeah, it's nice. Isn't it?'
'O fuck! What's she like?' he spluttered, noticing the wrist cuffs. 'Kinky bitch!' he grinned at me.
Chris was loving it.
'You better believe it baby.'
Don't know if Chris was expecting more but that was it. I'd left my top on, even though that would come off at some point. I folded my coat, put it in my bag and put that behind me.

I took a mouthful of my drink and streched my arms to touch both their shoulders. 'Ok. Just wanna say one thing. We've done the serious thing, it's over and done with. And thank you for being here with me. It means a lot to have you here. We've done the tears, and the crying..."

Mart interrupted, 'And I'm so proud of you, you did better this year.' I moved my hand to his knee and visibly squeezed it to thank him.

'We've done the tears, and the crying. So now we party,' my eyes begin to fill again, 'party like its the last night of our lives!' The flood gates open and we group hug. Then tears break into laughter from us all. We sit back for a moment.

'Ok then.' I said matter-of-factly, 'so where you taking me now?'
'Essential.' Mart said emphatically.
'Good for me. Essential?' I asked Chris.
'Yeah!' Chris beamed.
'Cool. Essential it is then.' We swigged our drinks.

Crhis brought up about me getting Pete twatted on the Friday night and the conversation disintegrated from there. We finished our drinks and made our way round the corner to Essential.

I'm not going to write very much about being in Essential. We had a briliant night in there. Ended up completely off our rockers. Don't ask me what was played 'cos I'll only say 'music'. Though I do recall Jamiroquai's 'Love Foolosophy', Madonna's 'Deeper and Deeper' 'cos both Mart and I looked at each other and immediately thought of Kyle, and grinned stupidly at each other. The drugs worked. Very well.

Don't ask me what point in the evening the top came off, but for a while it was on and off like a bride's knickers. And we kept floating between upstairs and downstairs. We all ended up kissing each other, Chris included. Dancing and laughing.

Chris was the first to leave. He looked twatted. He came over to me, put his arms around me and said 'I'm knackered. I'm twatted. I need to go home.'
I gave him a squeeze and a quick peck. 'Ok hon. You had a good night?'
'Yes. I really have.'
'Good. So have I, and I'm glad you've enjoyed it.'

We bid our farewells and he went. Mart and I carried on further into the night.
'You seen Chris?' Mart shouted over the music. He hadn't noticed him go, or had forgotten.
'Gone home. Twatted!' I giggled back.
'Fuckin' light-weight!', Mart started, 'he only had one?' Mart half stated, half questioned.
I started laughing, and nodded my reply.

I was sat down at one point in the evening near to a mirror. Happened to take a glace at myself in the reflection. I was impressed with what I saw. I have to admit I'd had reservations about going out dressed like this. But seeing it now. Ok, my eyes were in soft focus mode. It looked pretty good to me, in fact, I thought it looked very good. And I know I wasn't the only one wearing leather that night which made me feel a little better.

More tomorrow. We're getting to the last 12 hours now (serious. It was a long day in more than one way)...

The picture below shows the 'accessories' used in the final set out outfits for Mardi Gras 2005. If you're lucky I might do some pictures of the full set of outfits worn that night, three in total, though one was only presented to a 'select' audience.



I was asked whether that was my 'normal' going out gear. Think the questioner was a little disappointed when I said no.

The chain was used as a belt. I was going to take a bag (in addition to the one containing everything I needed that night, it was packed but remained unused) so I could take another piece of chain with me, but decided against it in case I got carried away. Was also going to take the matching ankle cuffs but that would just have been too much fun later on.

Maybe another time when the three of us go out. At least we'll be able to keep a closer reign on Kyle. Proving to be such a problem child at the moment...

Monday Evening

I'd arranged to meet Chris, Mart and Jay in Thompsons at 7.30pm. Basically, I wanted us all to have a couple of quiet drinks with each other before the vigil. I'd been feeling a mixture of emotions all day ranging from complete excitement right through to absolute dread. Believe it. Part of me really didn't want to go.

Mart and Jay were running late. Jay got pissed and that caused an argument between him and Mart. Mart loves him to pieces but there are aspects of their relationship that are really beginning to piss Mart off. It got to 7.45 and they still weren't there. Chris had phoned me just after I arrived in town to let me know that they'd had a massive argument and consequently were running late. By 7.55 I really was all prepared to call them up, tell them to sack the whole idea 'cos I was going home. The dread, nerves and emotions in me were beginning to get too much for me to handle.

I stepped outside to get some air and rang them. They were literally minutes away, already in the compound and making their way across to me. Hugs and kisses to all when they arrived, then we went inside to get a drink. Fear was getting to me. Don't ask me why, but I know it caused me to drink two pints just while I was waiting for them. That's not like me. My third was drunk at a slightly slower pace with them. I think Mart could see that I was preoccupied, kept smiling at me, but I knew I'd gonna be ok now.

Chris filled me in about his outing on Saturday. His intention had been to finish his drink after I'd gone then make a move himself. He obviously got caught up in the whole party spirit. It was Chris's first Mardi Gras, the first ones are always special. It wasn't my first one (and I don't want to do the counting), but was my second time there attending the Vigil as a positive person. I had trouble explaining to Chris about what it was going to be like, partly 'cos I didn't know myself. Before being diagnosed when I attended the vigil I always found it a moving experience, I'd fill up but not cry. Tonight I didn't know how I was going to react. I went to the loo, sat down and put my collar on and just sat thinking. The next few hours were going to be difficult and I just hoped I was gonna get through them. Hoped that Jay was gonna behave himself, seems he's a bit of an attention seeker at the moment. Last thing I needed tonight was for him to start. I'd shout at him if he did, make a fool out of myself maybe, but tonight was hard enough without having to cope with a Prima Donna. I composed myself and wend back to them. They didn't notice the collar 'cos the I'd zipped up my jacket to the top and it just covered it.

Back at the table Mart came round to me. 'I've told him this is night is for you and me. If he kicks off he can fuck off. I ain't letting him spoil this night'. I knew Mart meant it, there was venom in his mouth and fire in his eyes. I wished Kyle had been with us. I knew why he wasn't there and accepted his reasons. I still missed him though.

Chris told us it was 8.50, the Vigil started at 9pm, so we gathered up our drinks and made our way over to the park. I realised then that there were people I'd hoped to see over Mardi Gras that I hadn't. Didn't feel loss or upset, just hoped that they'd had as good a time as I had. As we walked over Jay tried to link arms with me. I told him that he couldn't link that arm 'cos it was carrying my drink. It took a couple of repeats for him to understand that I didn't want either him or myself to be wearing my drink tonight. We had to queue to get into the park. Mart was staggered. Last year we just walked straight in. As we got into the final leg of the queue Chris was wondering whether we'd get in, but I told him that the park was much bigger than he thought. There was no turning back by this point. We were going into the park and there was no way back.

We got into the park, got candles and found a place to stand. We stood talking and sipping our drinks, but my mind was elsewhere. Mart spotted that I was distant and kept asking me whether I was ok. I'd nod or say something, and for the most part I was ok. We'd settled into position and it was about this time that Jay disappeared. I might have heard him say that he wanted the loo, but I can't be sure. Certainly the others didn't know where he was. Chris was about to light his candle. I stopped him and told him that we'll be told when to light them.

Then it began...

One of the first features was a lady singing 'Days' accompanied by guitar, I think the song was originally done by Kirsty McColl, but I'm not sure. I won't be able to listen to that song in the same way again. Almost as if its meaning had been re-written even though the words were unchanged.

Extracts from three poems written in 1985, 1995 and 2005 were also read. The end of one of them rang so true to me. Pity I can't remember which one or what the lines were, but they seemed to express everything I thought I was feeling. I was happy to know that I wasn't alone, that someone else had felt what I'd felt and was feeling. I very nearly lost control at that moment. Mart turned to me and asked whether I was OK. I mopped my eyes and just nodded. The power of speech had temporarily left me.

There were three lads in front of us, the one in the middle being supported by the ones either side. Oh how I knew what he was feeling. Mart kept making comments, he was trying to diffuse the situation and keep me going. It worked. I knew I wouldn't have lasted this long without him.

The presenter started reading comments from loved ones of people who had been lost over the years as people came on to the stage one by one wearing a t-shirt numbered by year. A comment for one person for each year. As each year passed I could feel my own control slowly slipping. And I knew what was coming. I heard the statements, they were beautiful. So so beautiful. Made me realise that this was just a tiny tiny fraction of the wonderful souls this world has lost.

After my very first Vigil I realised that I was so lucky. The presenter announced at one point at everyone in the audience either knew or knew of someone whos life had been affected by HIV or AIDS. I was so lucky, I thought, because at the time it hadn't entered my life. Yeah, I knew it was there. It was all around me, somewhere, but then it was someone else's issue. My own ignorance of then annoys me now. How little I knew. How assured I was of my own mortality. But more alarming to me now is that that form or arrogance is still around. We've come so far, but there's still so much further to go. Putting names to the sentiments made it personal. These were real people, those were expressions of real love.

Then it was time to light the candles. This was it. The candles were lit, then everyone held them in the air. Now was the time the tears started, and the moment when all the strength I had couldn't stop them. Mart put his arm round me, pulled me close and kissed me on the head. 'It's ok.' He whispered to me. I just couldn't stop crying. I could feel all the emotions around me: pain, anger, fear, upset, loss and so many more. I could feel the hurt and suffering from so many people. It was just completely overwhelming. From that moment I also knew that Mart would be there every year whether I was around or not.

Chris was about to make some comment about candle wax being kinky when a very hot drip scorched his finger. He yelped, and that brought me back to reality, momentarily. The candles were extinguished. The whole thing seemed to have passed much quicker than last year. I'd already said that I had to stay for the candles, but after that if it became too much for me we could leave. I'd made it. It was over. I was relieved that it was over. The fireworks started and we made to leave the park. Maybe next year I'll be able to watch the fireworks.

As usual, there were sand boxes around some of the trees. I stopped at one, knealt down and lit my candle from a flame already in the box. Then placed my candle in the sand. Mart and Chris did the same. Then we left the park.

We walked in a line up Canal Street, well think I more floated than walked.

'You did well,' Mart praised, 'you were much braver than last year.' I couldn't respond. I was still very emotional
'What now?' Chris went.
'Drink.' I grunted loudly. More of an order than a response.
'Risa!!' Mart chorused.

The night wasn't over yet, but this part of the story is. More to come shortly...

It's late on Tuesday. I'm still suffering from last night's escapades. Don't have the energy to write about it all just at the moment, but I will.

In short:-

• Essential won as final destination
• I didn't sleep with Chris
• It was 7am this morning when I went to bed
• There were three people in my bed
• Mardi Gras ended with three of the ingredients located at the start of the story
• My Mum may have done something completely charming, but I'm deeply touched by it anyway
• I've been dubbed 'a sexy boy', 'addictive', 'brave' and 'precious' all in the one day
• I could've been much naughtier!
• The outfit looked pretty damn hot

Stay tuned...

At 5.10 this evening I managed to upgrade the PA from 3.2mm to a 4 x 19mm ring. It looks fuckin' mint.

Just like last time, I was just about to give up when I saw it slowly feeding through from the inside out. So its had a good soak, but its still a little on the tight side but I'm sure this will relax over the next day or two.

No time for pictures, I'm afraid. In the process of getting ready for tonight but I just had to get this in (excuse the pun).

Just had Mart on the phone about tonight. Probably gonna meet up about 7.30 somewhere. Give us all a chance to natter, have a drink or two, then go and do the serious bit. Told Mart about the collar. 'Now why doesn't that surprise me?' he goes, 'Anyway, whatever you wear you'll be taking most of it off by the end of the night!'

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our first naked body...

According to people at Mart's works, Chris was out dancing with a Welsh lesbian on the top stage of Hollywood until 3am. Though they are all querying (sorry!) about whether it's 'normal' for a straight bloke to be out on his own at Mardi Gras at that time.

I was told that I need to 'play with him' soon so we can get this frustration out of him. I've just checked The Straight Man's Guide to Enjoying GaySex (thanks Jaymaster) to see whether Chris will have any 'legitimate get out' should it all go shit-ways. I'm not bothered about myself, my reputation is, erm, speckled most of the time to say the least. I just wouldn't want Chris to feel awkward should anything or when anything happens. If we do go to Essential it'll certainly bring an alternative meaning to their strap line: Essential - for the night of your life!

But you know the start is going to be during the hugging and crying at the Vigil. Despite that fact I already know my mind will be elsewhere at that time.

Just had to give Pride a miss on Sunday. I was wide awake at 8.30am. Can't say I felt 'out of it', but I certainly wasn't 'with it'! Napped for two hours in the afternoon. Still, it gave me chance to have a think about what I'm wearing tonight. Out of everything clothes-wise I bought specifically I've only managed to wear one item of clothing. Damn British weather.

As for what tonight's outfit is going to be, I'm still not too sure. There are two factors to consider: the first is that we're gonna be stood in damp grass in the cold for an hour or so at the Candlelight Vigil; then in a warm club for boogieing afterwards (currently that's a toss-up between Cruz and Essential). Plus we're partying back at Mart's at the very very end. Either way I'm gonna have to pack something so I can get home on the Tuesday. Two outfits in one night. And they're both gonna have to work with boots!

I've got a nice new leather collar (very nice and comfy actually) which will go with my 'slutty' black PVC pants. Could also end up with my wristcuffs as well. What am I like? But everything could change before tonight...

Really glad we didn't go to Federation last night (heard word it was cancelled anyway). A day away from it all, and a good night's sleep, I feel so much better today.

Saturday Afternoon

Was about 12.45 when I got home.

Priorities in order: feed cat, make coffee, ring Kyle.

Kyle was pleased to hear from me when I rang. He'd tried ringing on the Friday night, but just knew I'd gone out. 'Fair play to ya.' he went. So I told him all about last night, the 'k' and the things I can't remember. 'Aww, you're naughty,' he begins, 'gettin Pete off his head like that. And goin down the Canal as well! What you like? Was it busy?' I laughed. I didn't see a soul down there and it seems that even if I'd wanted to I wouldn't have been able to get up to much. We arranged to meet at 3pm near Piccadilly station. I was glad for the break! I had a short nap and managed to get something food-wise down me. Though that was difficult.

I arrived at the rendez-vous about 2.45. At least three queens went passed with tears in their eyes. Either Mardi Gras had fucked up their relationships or they were just so upset to be going home so early. I was astounded by the amount of lovely eye-candy walking around. Hmm. Yum!!

Kyle arrived bang on time. 'You're still off your box!' he said as he put his arms round me and hugged me in the middle of the pavement. 'I know. O I was so bad last night'. We started the process of getting him in.

We started out in Churchills then took a wander down to the Rembrandt. We stood outside the Rem and drank and talked. Kyle wants to be a bit vengeful towards his now-ex boyfriend and we were talking over the options. But, I let him know that we bumped into another of his ex's who's still 'more than interested'. Low and behold, moments later we bump into him!!

Also bumped into Neil and his tribe. Neil was looking so well, so much better than last time I saw him. Kyle told him about my antics on the Friday. A look of shock crossed with 'good on ya girl' came my way. He gave me a sip of his vodka and orange tango. Ok, it was neat vodka in a tango can! 'Just a sip now!!' he quipped. In my semi-twatted state there was no way I could've managed a full mouthful. Then we had to stand back while the Essential staff paraded past us. Phwooar! Some well nice bodies there. Including two that looked like twins at the back. 'I wouldn't mind playing with them for an hour.' I commented absent mindedly. I was misheard. 'Paying?' someone barked at me. 'No, play not pay.' I've lost count of the number of coronal ridges I've seen in hot-pants so far this weekend, and its not over yet.

So I'm stood outside Churchills again with Kyle, an ex of his and someone that Kyle is just starting to get to know. I spotted a two-faced twat that Ben would like to spread the guts of over Piccadilly. He was wearing a skirt. There were a lot of kilts around, but this was definately a skirt. Pink as well! I sent Ben a text message letting him know where I was and who I'd just seen. A reply came back that he was in Risa. I let the others know that I was gonna go over to Risa in a bit, go to the loo and catch up with Ben.

Saturday Evening

In Risa I bump into Daddy. He picks me up off my feet, hugs me and kisses me. He's so happy to see me and I am to see him. Ben's mum's there along with a sister and a brother of Ben's. Ben's mum is such a laugh. Ben is devoted to his youngest sister, their mum got a lovely picture of them together with Ben with his arms around her.

Kyle arrived in Risa. He'd left the other two talking (which at the time he thought may not have been such a good idea!). I played nurse, handing one pill to Ben, two to Kyle, and taking one myself. Kyle said he was going to double-drop, I told him not to, but he did anyway. Ben then got a phone call to say that Graham Norton was going to be on the Main Stage at 7 and to get us arses round there. So we all troop out, then for some reason Kyle goes back in. That was the last I saw of Kyle that day, but apparently he did make it back to the others and had a fantastic night (now minus his jacket and t-shirt).

'How gay is this hat?' screams Graham Norton over the microphone, refering to the pink cowboy hat he's been presented with. It was amazing to see him so close, he really is quite a personality. Most of the stuff on the main stage is also repeated in sign language. And with two signers on the stage he gets them to do battle with the word 'feltching'. I can't see the signers, so am just left with the audio commentary. 'No, that's more like fisting' he howls. 'And that's more like the other one.' 'Fucking', he means. I ask James what the sign language for feltching actually is. Apparently there isn't one!

From there we move back to Risa. Couple more drinks then over to Hollywood. Where we stay for the rest of the night. While we're there I get a text message from Chris, he's coming in and will I meet him? Of course I say, and let him know that we're upstairs in Hollywood. He rings me about 9.30 to get me to explain how to get his ticket exchanged (for a wristband). Shortly after theres a text message saying he's on his way over and can I meet him outside. I let the others know where I'm going. Collect Chris and we go upstairs.

I impress myself with doing the introductions. I'm very off-it, but manage to get everyone's name right. Ten people excluding Chris and myself. I feel sure that Chris was trying to tell me something by him coming out alone, a few of the looks made me wonder. Ben's mum and sister were the first to go, then Daddy went to get some food (said he'd be coming back shortly, but I think he forgot), then James told me that Ben was knackered so he was taking him home. That left me, Chris, and a very pissed-up mate of Ben's who was curious about the relationship between me and Chris. 'He's a big bloke, like me.' he started, 'Big blokes are very loving, Bet you like big blokes, dont ya? Good lookin' lad too!' I didn't quite know how to respond other than saying that to me its the inside that counts the most. I glanced at a slightly amused Chris, but there was a look of that if it happened he wouldn't knock it away. Chris actually isn't that bad looking at all.

Early Sunday Morning

Ben's friend went. It was about 12.30. I said to Chris that I was knackered, he told me that he could tell. 'I'll walk you down when you go.' he said. So I had a bit more to drink, finished my cigarette (I've not smoked that much, surprisingly) and we made our way down. He stopped when we got on to the main level. He was staying for a while. We hugged and kissed and said that we'd see each other soon. I left.

On the walk up to the taxi I started thinking. I was horny. So a slight detour from the taxi point over to McDonalds. I was starting to feel very fatigued by now, so didn't know how much longer I was gonna last. Got changed, made it into the darkroom, picked up, went to a room. Local bloke (by the sounds), nice cock, nice body, very erect nips. Started out with me going down on him. Not one of my best blowjobs, just couldn't seem to get into it, but certainly not my worst. I broke off and we kissed. Then he trailed from my nipples to my cock and blew me off. It was a nice gentle BJ. Must have been the drugs 'cos that kind of treatment doesn't normally do anything for me, but tonight it just felt perfect.

Then I wanted filling, and told him to fuck me. On me back, legs in the air, he rubbers up, greases up and then gets it up. Ahh man, what a nice fuck. A very gentle lover, but each stroke hit its mark and he had me moaning away like anything. He'd kiss me sometimes or suck on my nipple piercing while he fucked. He popped out at one point and I took the chance to get him to apply more lube and also change position. I felt the need to be held whilst being fucked. I lost all track of time, but I know a couple of figures appeared at the door while we were at it. No one came in. He pulled out, appologised that he wasn't gonna cum, I told him that was ok, and then got him to blow me again. I remembered at that point that I'd got the19mm ring in, quite big diameter. He was able to manage it and work with it with no problems. But I needed to get water and a smoke. So we separated, thanked each other and went our separate ways.

I got water, and a cigarette from my locker in the changing room. Ended up watching three Madonna videos in the lounge area before venturing back to play. The jacuzzi looked fun, but I didn't fancy it on my own, I thought about the steam maze or the sauna room, but thought the heat might not be a good idea. Forget the darkroom. It was full of people. Literally. I don't think you could've done anything in there due to lack of space. Fuck it, I thought, I've had one cock, I'm knackered. Time to go home.

I get changed, and witness some of the staff assisting another customer. He was found passed out somewhere so they were sending him home. And then I leave. I'm walking over towards the village to get a taxi when this car pulls up at the side of me. Passenger window goes down, and there's a cute asian lad in the driving seat. 'You're lovely, do you wanna come back to mine for some fun?' I ask him where he lives and decide that I don't fancy being stranded out there. I tell him no, his persistence wins through though and I get in, but we only drive to the other side of the road where it's dark and quiet. We get into the back of his car. I start to blow him off. He tries with me, but it aint working down there. Fatigue, alcohol and drugs. Anyway, we get a nice juicy load from him over his stomach, he pulls up his underwear and white trakies, I sort out my clothing as well, thank each other then get out. As I get out I notice that behind us was a car with people sat in it looking in our direction. I try to walk on withouth showing panic or paranoia.

At 3.10 I'm back at home. Coffee, strip off, I get the duvet from upstairs and put it on the couch and turn the TV on. At 4am I'm not comfortable so sack the idea and head for bed.

Well Mardi Gras so far has been fun.

Friday Night

Friday night was interesting. I got a phone call from Pete at about 6.50pm asking whether I was coming in that night. I had been seriously contemplating it, so confirmed that I would be there. And arranged to meet him, his fella and boyf in Churchills.

I arrive bang on time. No sign of any of them. So I get a drink and hang about watching the crowds for familiar faces. Still not spotted Pete and Co., but I had to double take someone I did see. Not really seen Damien to talk to in a very long while. Wow, what a transformation. Depression had caused him to be very low and quite morose. Now he's a happy bouncy adonis. He's gorgeous and I can't get over how good he looked.

We got to talking about piercings, think it started when he noticed my tongue and asked me whether I'd had that done when I first got to know him. I can't remember for sure, but I'm pretty convinced I had. He's thinking of getting either his tongue pierced or a PA done. I giggled and told him '...do it! You wont regret it, I didn't!' Seems he's noticed that there's a lot of metalised-cockage around Manchester too. And he quite likes it, too!! Never got round to telling him what the actual procedure was like, other than it doesn't hurt like so many people think. Though I did raise the point that there's no sex for 2 to 3 weeks and that it will swell up. Shock and horror filled his face at the sex ban, though he took comfort in telling me that I would be inspecting it at some point. Also had to point out to him that peeing works best sat down, at least in the beginning, and that on a good day I can piss on someone stood next to me, on a bad day it's usually myself!!

I decided after a while to make a move on. It was the first night of Mardi Gras so I wasn't staying in one place all night. As I was leaving Churchills I spotted Pete trying to sneak in past the bouncers (and failing). So I grabbed him, 'hey you, where you been?' He was pissed. 'Been trying to get in, but they keep telling me I'm pissed. I'm not fucking pissed, no where near it baby.' Ok, he's rat-arsed. So I tell him I'm off to Hollywood. He staggers and I walk over. As we near the corner of the bus station building he turns a bit. 'Where you going?' I ask him. 'Thought you were going to Thompsons?' he replies. No, I correct him and get him back on track. I ask what's happened to the others. His fella has gone home drunk, 'can't keep up with me!' he claimed. But then apparently they had been drinking since 2pm that afternoon. As for boyf, well, he was supposed to be stopping with them but Pete had no idea where he was.

The atmosphere in Hollywood was good, even though it wasn't jam-packed at the time. He gave me some money, I went to the bar, he went to the loo. I still hadn't got served by the time he got back, so we exchanged roles while I went to the loo. While up there I took the liberty of dropping my first 'happy drop' as well as doing what I needed to do.

When I got back Pete decided he owed me an appology. 'An appology?' I questioned. 'Yeah. I'm a twat. I've always been a twat. But I've only just discovered it.' I started to laugh. 'So you're saying that if I were you, you wouldn't have gone out with you?' It took a few moments for the line to land with him, and I still don't know whether he understood what I was on about. 'But I've told him [his fella] that I still love you but I'm not in love with you. I'll always love you, you know!' We hugged, and I told him that I'd missed him too, which being honest I had in some ways.

Some time later... 'Let me buy a pill off you.' he starts.
'Pardon?' I go, he repeats himself.
'But I thought you weren't allowed to take them 'cos of work?'
'Yeah, but I'm being naughty. Just hope I don't get D-an-A'd (drugs and alcohol tested) on Wednesday.'
'Anyway, who says I've got any?'
'You did, just then.'
'Did I?'
'Yeah, just now'
'Did I?' there's a wink in my eye now. 'Ok, but you're not buying it.'

So a short time after that I go back to the loo take another myself and put one in my pocket to give to him when I get back. Discretely I put my hand in his back pocket to make the delivery. 'What you going in me pockets for? There's nothing in there.' He quips. 'He heh. There is now!! Just be careful please.' So he dives in, retrieves the pill and necks it with his lager. Then thanks me.

Less than an hour later, and I'm starting to feel the combined rush of the two pills. I tell him I need to go upstairs and sit down for a while. So off I trot. Upstairs who do I bump into? Ben, James and Jeff. Actually it's Jeff I spot first, and while we're kissing and letting on I spot Ben and James. Now it wasn't my intention to stay with them, but...

...We end up in Falcon, the new place. We get drinks and stand near the front perving over one of the dancers: black boots, hot-pants (combat print, I think), lovely body. James and I are still Oo-ing and coo-ing when he's joined by another equally fit dancer. They start grinding together. Live sex show? Yes Please!!

James then speaks to me in code: 'Ben's going to powder his nose. If you want to give him a hand, follow him now.' So off I trots after Ben and I end up in a cubicle with him. He gets a key and a white bag and sniffs some of the white off the key. 'So what's this then?' I ask. It's ketamin I find out. I end up getting two sniffs of it, partly because something went wrong with the first one and part of it ended up in my hands and the rest on the floor. Oh no!! We then went back to rejoin the others. From here on my own memories are very very unclear. I can't remember the rest of Falcon, though I can remember walking down the road with arms linked to Ben and James with me and Ben shouting 'ketamin, ketamin, we're not on ketamin' as we approach police officers walking the opposite direction. Apparently we went into Napoleons, I was a bit of a mess, lacking co-ordination. Something about a table, lots of drinks and lots of trannies. I can't remember for the life of me.

Sometime Early Saturday Morning

I can remember walking along the canal towpath with them, cos at one point we had to cross via one of the locks. I know I was successful in clambering over the lock. There was a body passed out on the metal bench on the other side. I didn't think anything more about that. Half remember Ben making some comment but don't know what it was. Don't remember getting back to Ben and James's but we had another sniff there. And that's when I went into a k-hole. It's hard to explain what I saw and what I experienced. But imagine human development in reverse, starting out as a fully formed human and then regressing to a single cell. But knowing and being happy that when I got to that single cell stage, it was still me and that I was ok. Wierd.
They carried me into the bedroom, I was told, and James undressed me. 'Of course, I had a grope' he said later. 'Of course', I responded, 'I wouldn't have expected anything less.' James giggled.

Saturday Morning

We all came too about 8.30 the following morning. I got out of bed and had to go to the bathroom. Getting there was ok. It was the coming back that was difficult. I made it to the bedroom. A couple of steps in I tripped, fell on the bottom of the bed, got myself up, then tried to explain what had just happened. 'See, you still haven't got control of your mouth or legs.' James laughed. I giggled and just got back into bed and snuggled up. We didn't properly get out of bed until about 10am, possibly slightly later.

I left them about 12.15. James was tidying, Ben went back to the Mardi Gras, and I came home to feed the cat, have something to eat, get changed and then meet Kyle later on.

Mardi Gras started 20 minutes ago. I think I'm gonna end up going out tonight. Only to see what's going down.

I'm all prepared. Check it:


Welcome to the weekend...

Thursday was wonderful. Finally managed to get to the sunbed. 6 minutes at 200 watts made for one happy boy. Sounds a bit like a microwave meal. When I got out, to be honest, I couldn't tell the difference. Then made my way over to Mart's. His biological sister was over with her two kids. They're lovely. Mart asked me whether I'd been on the sunbed. I didn't think anything more of it at the time 'cos Mart knows how so many things I've wanted to do of late have just not happened at the times I said I was gonna do them. I like Mart's sister, she's so much like Mart.

We went shopping in town for clothes for the one of the kids with it being her birthday on Monday. Ones in a pram. I told them all not to get me to push the pram. I get broody. Very broody. Then we went to the station to see them off.

From the station we went to the village. We were all thirsty. I'd forgotten how exhausting shopping with kids was. Started out in Thompsons. I copped off again!! It was obvious I was on heat all day. Maybe its the impending Mardi Gras. Maybe I'm just horny. I don't know. But someone's gonna get me this weekend...

So the fella, well 40, tall, scally (and then some!!), very dirty mind, very very horny looking. Kyle's gonna be so jealous. We've not done anything yet other than exchange numbers and spit. He had me with my head in his lap, leaning over me, spitting in my mouth. Sounds disgusting when you say it, but at the time it was, well, good fun. I sucked his thumb and it had the desired effect. According to Mart you could see it growing in his trackies. I did cop a feel. Hmm... Think he may be a bit rougher in the bedroom than I'm used to, just a feeling I get, but I'm sure I'll cope.

Mart did most of the matchmaking so he knows that I'm not up for a relationship at the moment but friends, fun and sex is all up for grabs. He seems ok with this. We'll see what happens. I'm not in love but this is gonna be a ride I'm gonna enjoy. Innit tho??

It's official. Kyle is single again.

It's over. Kyle's removed him from his MSN.

Ain't e-relationships wonderful?!?!?

Spent Sunday night over at Marts, with Jay, Chris and the babies. Made their weekend that was coming, I got told. Their little eyes lit up like headlamps when I told them I was also staying over.

Chris was still in happy mood. Good. He kept looking over at me and grinning during the night. I was just being me. That included me getting me knob out and showing it to one of their neighbours. The babies weren't around at the time. And I wouldn't have done it if they had, though the matter was brought up later on and I quickly looked to see whether there were pictures on my phone of it. There were, but also some other pictures that I wouldn't want them to see.

We're secretly wondering about the relationship these two lads have with each other. They went off for a while, can't remember why. We got to talking about which one was top and which was bottom. Mart asked Chris, waited for an answer, then responded with '...and how would you know?' Chris took a keen interest in our discussions. Learning whether he could hide his tracks perhaps?

No mention was made about our text messages. The fact that we slept (fully clothed) in the same bed I think lets him know that I'm no threat to him. He is coming on the Monday.

Not an indication of todays weather - proppa poo, I can tell ya - but Kyle's got a dilema.

The story in short form: Kyle took refuge at Marts the other weekend (when I met the bairns), basically he wanted some time for himself away from his fella. His fella sees his arse and dumps Kyle. Kyle keeps a low profile (and behaves himself). We put the whole matter down to his fella just having a 'queeny strop'.

I get a phone call from Kyle yesterday saying that they're back together. Tonight the fella tells Kyle that he's been invited to a fancy party tomorrow night and 'can they have some space for a few days'.

Either I'm missing something here or there's something not right with this whole situation.

Bearing in mind that Mardi Gras is a matter of days away and Kyle is missing it through work, can this be translated into a request for 'permission' to shag about without getting a guilty conscience?

Something don't smell right here.

You'd think that some people would have better things to do on a Sunday that go around terrorising store detectives. Well ordinarily, yes, but I'd finally got a pair of jeans after a few hours of searching. But I wasn't finished yet.

In Piccadilly we've got SuperDrug, Somerfields and Boots all next to each other. I've lost count of the number of times I've been headed for SuperDrug for hair removal cream and ended up in Somerfields amongst the bananas. Both shops have their names in big lettering above the door but I always manage to confuse the two.

It was getting late, so to save embarrasment I decided to just go into Boots. I wanted some plasters, mouthwash and a new toothbrush. As soon as I walked into Boots, the store detective clocked me. No problems there, he's just doing his job. But then he starts following me. Aisle by Aisle. I purposely walked up and down the lipstick aisle just for the hell of it. It confused him, I could tell, but he still kept his beady eye on me.

Now I've got this 'thing' about store detectives and 'over keen' shop assistants. I've been clothes shopping in the past with Pete, we've collected a big load of clothing which I've just put down and walked away from purely because the shop assistant or store detective is making me feel uneasy. If they say something, like 'are you alright there?' that's different. If they just stand and glare, and make it obvious that they think I'm up to something...

Ok, so I walked in in black trakies, white sleeveless t-shirt, cap and black sunglasses (which are great cos I can see nearly everything and no one knows what I'm looking at) and started examining the shelves. I was minding my own business. I was shopping, not stealing. I couldn't find the plasters so I marched up towards him. The expression on his face changed to sheer panic. Tee hee he. 'Plasters' I snarled. Not like me not to be polite but I was making it obvious that I didn't like his 'special attention'. He took me there. I looked and waited for him to walk away. No way was I being nice.

Then I had trouble finding the toothbrushes. I was gonna ask again (he he) but decided it more fun to just watch him following again. He ended up hiding around the corner, looking back periodically. I grinned to myself. I made as much of a fuss as possible picking my toothbrush. Half of them ended up on the floor. I did pick a few up.

I got my wallet out going past him as I took the long route to the checkout. And I was all sweetness and light with the girl there. Seemed like a nice girl. Just about to go out of the shop when I remembered that I also wanted a small bottle of pop. Back in, and the store detective must have thought I was taking the piss. Sharp intake of breath. Girl on the till just giggled when I said that I knew I'd forgotten something.

So if you fancy doing some shoplifting at Boots Piccadilly, just let me know. 4pm Sunday seems a good time. I'll just do me shopping while you lot clean out the store... Only not next Sunday, I might (hopefully) be a bit tied up.

Came across this yesterday. Its a soundbite from the now defunkt ShockRadio internet radio station that used to operate out of Salford University.

Had me howling.

But knowing that the voice is a bit difficult to understand I've managed to transcribe the words:

[That's right]
[Your Mother got a] grisly growler
[Your Mother got a] horny goat
[Your Mother got a] S - T - D's
[Your Mother got a] full colostomy bag

[That's right]
[Your Mother got a] hairy backside
[Your Mother got a] giant squid
[Your Mother got a] scally's head
[Your Mother got a] camel toe

[That's right]
[Your Mother got a] Charver that fell off his bike outside the Texaco garage
[Your Mother got a] stinky beaver
[That's right]
[Your Mother got a] excitable gerbil

With thanks to ScallyMatt for bringing this to the world.

Before I begin this entry I need to state the following:

To those who object to strong and vulgar language, thank you so much for coming back!!

Ok, here we go. I want you to think about two words:

• wankered, and
• cunted

Anatomically, both words relate to the same area of the human body. And both words seem to mean roughly the same thing.

Try saying the following two sentences out loud as if you're describing someone to someone else, see how they sound:

• He was completely wankered.
• He was completely cunted.

Why does the first seem funny, and the second sound incredulous?

The cat and I had 'a moment' last night. I was lay on the couch watching TV. She was sprawled out on the cushion at the back. I noticed she was also watching the TV. Not just looking at the glowing box, but actually watching it! I tried talking to her, but she (really) was too engrossed in the transmission and ignored me. And the programme? Brainiac: Science Abuse on Sky One.

I started howling with laughter at something. She didn't get it and just looked at me. They were seeing what was the best homemade item to slide down a ski slope with if you didn't have a sled. They tried a blow-up armchair, the inner tube from an articulated lorry tyre, and a female blow-up sex doll. The race started. The three runners jumped onto their respective 'vehicles'. There was a bang. The doll deflated and never got off the starting line. I cracked up. Childish, but funny.

So she's a pot-head pussy, likes her porn (especially German skinhead stuff) but not overly fond of poppers. Loves to be cuddled when she's stoned. Has healthy interest in technology (though has difficulty in controlling a PC mouse).

Sound familiar?

Mart rang me up last night from work. 'What you said to Chris?' he demanded.
'Eh?' I go.
'I need to know what you said to Chris while you were out last night.'
'Oh. Ok.'

So I starts to tell him. '... he'll see me cry, its expected, then we party, and then I'll want sex...'
'Oh' Mart says, a little bit of worry in his voice.
'But then he tells me he cant help with the sex...' and I carry on with the tail.

Mart then starts giggling. 'So that explains your message to me about you overstepping the mark.'

Seems between us we've done a good job of really livening him up. Apparently he was bouncing around at work, the happiest they've seen him in ages. He's been in a good mood, a really good mood ever since.

I didn't recount the off-text conversation that Kyle and I had about Chris. Kyle feels able to bed him, and would like to 'claim the glory'. A thought flashed across my mind of a threesome between me, Kyle and Chris. I told Kyle. I'm not sure if it was a look of terror on his face or what. Tee hee he. But I get the impression that that will just remain a thought.

'Bet he'd love your scaffolding [my PA].'
'Well he did take rather more interest than a straight man would, but you know I don't do that.' I said.
'Should be used to big things!' he winked.
'Oh yeah. I can bounce for England for hours, you know!'

Also had a three way conversation with someone working with Mart about Mark, who I was supposed to meet the other weekend. I'm going to be spending at least one Mardi Gras night over at Mart's, he'll have a party, or a 'gathering'. We were talking about whether Mark would 'play'. She didn't think Mark would. Mart was kinda definate that he would, and with me! We'll see. It all adds to the excitement of the weekend really.

Remember this from this time last year?

I was passed this link this morning: http://www.petitiononline.com/1021ir/petition.html

This week two gay teenagers were executed in Iran. Their only 'crime' was their sexual orientation. After more than a year of imprisonment, where they had already been punished with 226 lashes, both guys were hanged publicly on July 19th 2005. Mahmoud Asgari (16) and Ayaz Marhoni (18) are the next victims in Iran in long series of execution upon basis of homosexual behaviour.

You'll know I'm more 'party' than 'political', but this kind of thing is barbaric and needs to be stopped. Come on, we're in the 21st Century and this kind of action should have gone out with the Ark. It's an attrocity that we don't need in this modern world. Whether its based on religion, fear, or one movements 'ethnic cleansing' ideals it needs stopping.

Please sign the online petition.

Less than a week to go to Mardi Gras.

I know its a bit sad, but I'm really excited about it and I don't know why.

I've got no concrete plans for the weekend apart from going to Federation on Sunday night which I'm told is a brilliant night, and of course the Blub-Fest (for me, at least) which is the Candlelight Vigil. Chances are I'll end up in Cruz with the rest of the tribe afterwards. Hopefully we'll spend more than an hour there this year. That was my fault. I was horny, and we were all staying at Marts.

Oh, I'm in too much of a good mood for going back to work in 12 days...

I could say that tonight has been an uneventful night. But then I'd be lying.

Kyle's been feeling low for most of the week. His weekend with Mart and the rest of us kinda fouled up his thang with the love of his life. Well, Kyle had a ball (and kept his clothes on), it was the lovething that saw his arse. Drama queen!!

Tonight wasn't exactly an 'Emergency Night Out', not like the time we ended up at Legends the week when I got mugged. Tonight was more a 'feel good' occasion. And for once I've been out with Kyle, not come back that pissed that I dont know what planet I'm on, and have reasonable capability for typing. Indeed, Chris and I have exchanged a number of text messages tonight, ably assisted of course by Kyle. But more on that later.

Well early tonight saw me delivering the money for the Mardi Gras drugs. Yea, I know. But its once a year and I've been very very good over the past few months. In true covert operation stylee the dosh is going from one hand to another to another to another. Needless to say delivery should take place by Monday. Cool. Better than mail order from Clone Zone.

Also went to see Jay tonight (Mart was at work). He's on (Doctor) pills for his stomach after last weekend. Its the recurrent thing with alcohol (in part). He's going out with my baby so that makes me need to care for him, which I can do easily. That's no secret. But before I got to see Jay...

Well I just got off the bus, walked up the hill onto the top road, and who did I see? The Chickadees from last weekend. First words out of their mouths? 'You stayin over tonight?' Aww bless. Actually, I was really touched. Told them that this was just a passing through visit and they were cool with it, albeit a little crestfallen. Tee hee he. Last time I remember having that much sway over kids was with my sister's kids and that seems like half a life time ago. They asked if I could crash a cigarette, sure thing. Said I'd see them later. I did. About an hour and a half later, 2 miles away on their bikes heading back home as I was the bus to meet Kyle. Told Kyle about it when I saw him. He grinned that warm grin that he had over last weekend. To have two proppa 'babies' be like that is something else. Something I think this world needs more of. But anyway...

Kyle's gonna be ok. He's single. He's had the 'pity poke' (though he topped a very nice American from what he says, he referred to it as the 'mercy fuck'). Kyle's playing it cool for a change. I understand a lot of what Kyle is going through. Like me, he's got a tough exterior, but he's feeling vulnerable 'cos he showed his softer side. I can associate with that. It's like with Micheal, I ended up saying a lot of things I should've to people I shouldn't. I'd exposed that soft underbelly without thinking of the consequences. But then you never do, do you? We had a laugh tonight. Especially with the text messages to Chris. I started it, though.

I wanted to list all the messages but my fucking phone has decided to eat most of them. Grr!!

Started out with me telling him that I'd not seen him in a while and was hoping he was ok. Told him I was out with Kyle. He's at work, but he hoped we would have a good night and that we need to sort a good night out soon. He's over at Marts on Sunday.

Me: << missing messages. grr!! >> ... ending with Kyle telling him to get his sword out.
Chris: well nothing stops you does it? And tell Kyle that my sword is not a toy.
Me: o yea. V little stops me. In a good mood. Seven days to Mardi Gras. Yay!! And we both know that there are some toys you play with, and others well, you play around with!!!
Chris: Well I will just leave all those toys for you. Hopefully will be coming on the Monday of Mardi Gras. Still trying to get it off.
Me: Hope you manage to have it off. Mg Monday that is. You'll see me cry. Always do. But then we party like we've never partied before. Then I'll want sex...
Chris: Could do with some good partying. Not had a good night out in ages and with the sex can't help you there, not my area of expertise. lol
Me: Yea I need a good party night. That night will be good. I promise. Kyle says he can do driving lessons. Or we can all do sex tips for the boys. We're all good at that. lol
Chris: well u have to be good at something. lol
Me: He he. We all are. But that goes without saying

He then bid me goodnight as I sent a text messgage to Mart warning him that I may have over stepped the mark. Just a little. Tee hee he. I haven't told him that Kyle and I are discussing which of us is the best one to 'break him in'. Kyle believes that 'with all that scaffolding between your legs' that I'm a better choice.

We'll just have to see. I like Chris. I can wind him up and flirt with him. But I would never ever do anything to hurt or insult him. Not unless that was his kink!! **snigger**

Well I've got all the images and other stuff on the new host. Think I've gotten everything.

Also managed to sort out that strange layout thingy. Thanks Blogger for that!! Nothing at all to do with me. Part of their system decided to put a new tag in the pages, forcing it to look for clear space on the left and right of the screen. Managed to fix it though I'm still trying to understand stylesheets so not completely sure what I've done and probably broken something else.

Still thinking about the make-over. Visual design is not one of my strong points. It'll happen. But considering it took three days to get my hair cut...

Rather uneventful day today. For something to do I went into town to buy some CD's. It's been that long since I've been in HMV it was all far too bewildering. If I'd have known what I really wanted there wouldn't have been any problem. Does that store not cater for the 'browsing buyer'?

As it was, I did manage to buy three CD's. All of them to replace ones that, somehow, Arsehole managed to lose along the way. An Earth Wind & Fire CD that he leant to his sister. Kylie's Light Years (which was a Christmas present from Kyle) he managed to loan out, casually forget to tell me, and also equally casually forget who borrowed it! And how he managed to lose Jamiroquai's Emergency on Planet Earth is still beyond me.

Actually. I tell a lie. Even knowing what you want doesn't work. I spotted the Jamiroquai, thought about it, moved on, and promptly forgot where I saw it. I can blame that on being stoned though.

Me. Stoned. Completely. On a Tuesday afternoon!! Well its not often I'm ragged round my own bedroom by a random shag on Tuesday lunchtime either. Tee hee he. I like being off work.

Never quite been sure about organising orgies? Well this amazing 'pocket' guide will be very useful. Certainly brought a smile to my lips.

We were watching the TV this morning. Kyle had put the music channels on. We landed on Jamiroquai's 'Seven Days In Sunny June'. Oh my!! I love it. It was one of only about three music videos we watched from end to end without flipping in the middle to find something else.

[Shhh!!] I've downloaded it. And I can't stop playing it. This could be a sign that I'm going to buy the album. In fact, I've already said I will.

And Kyle's got so many things to say about Mariah Carey that I daren't repeat here. Wouldn't be too hard to realise that we didn't like her this morning. Something about eyes, plastic breasts and 'follow me home' head lights. I'm saying no more.

ooh, so baby lets get it on.
drinkin' wine, and killin' time, and sittin' in the summer sun.
you know, I've wanted you so long.
why d'you have to drop that bomb on me.
[ seven days in sunny june : Jamiroquai, Dynamite]

We've also got a lot of time for Usher's 'Caught Up' at the moment, well the Bimbo Jones mix of it. The fact that both Kyle and I wouldn't mind getting caught up with him has absolutely no bearing on our liking of this song. Honest.

I'm really made up with this weekend. I've enjoyed it so much. Friday at Mart's didn't exactly go to plan. Chris and Mark cried off, so I've still to talk with Chris, but Mart says I can always meet Mark another time. But what's really made me happy was having Mart and Kyle together. It seems like ages since the three of us were all with each other. We all noticed how good it felt. Yes, the Three Witches of Eastlands were in full effect. And it was noticed!

Also got to meet two really sweet young scally lads. They were the son of one of Mart's neighbours and his mate. They were only 13 and 14 but they were so well behaved, they had manners (which Kyle was so impressed with) and they were really respectful young men. Complete angels. Ok, so they got a bit of a past but with us they were no problem. We had such a laugh with them, and they really enjoyed being with us.

On Saturday I originally wanted to come home, get changed and go out and be naughty. The kids convinced me to stay with them, pleaded almost. I'm actually pretty touched by it. Now when would I say yes to 'baby sitting' (which it wasn't at all, really) instead of going out and getting me box rattled?

A bloke is shagging his wife.
'Bend over, we'll try the Social Security Position.' he says.
'What the fuck is that?' she asks.
'When you feel my balls touching your arse, you're getting full benefit.'
he replies

I don't know what's happened to the layout of these pages. I honestly havent touched them, but something's gone screwy with the style sheet.

Think its time for a make over again. My job entails making things work, not making them look pretty so it's a challenge from any direction. In addition, I've lost access to the webspace where all my images are stored. (Annoying story). I've already got some more space but just haven't got round to uploading the stuff there. But the best on that is a space upgrade from 50Mb to 1Gb somewhere else. So I got tons of space to play around in. Yay!!

Well it's early Friday. I've worked two days this week and its been exhausting. Ha ha haa! No, seriously, I could get very used to these 'short' weeks. No more thinking about the day job until this time next week.

And tonight I'm over at Mart's again. He rang me earlier in the week...
'... and Mark's coming over as well [as some others from work]. I've told you about Mark?'
'erm, no. Don't think so.'
'18 year old. Bi-curious...'
'... Ooo!'
'Yes he is cute.'
I'm sure they're secretly trying to set me up again!!
'And if I end up getting frisky, you're not gonna mind?'
'Mother, you're an adult. If you wanna do that, fine, just not in front of the straights!!'

Chris is also going to be there. He sent me a text last night wondering if I was angry with him. But as far as I'm aware I've got no cause to be angry with him.

This could be fun.

So today I want to get my hair cut, and try and find a sun bed 'cos I'm seeing lots of people with nicely tanned skin and I look like I've been in a pitch black barn for the past year. We'll see what happens with that one. Its nearly 12 months since I last did that, well about two weeks short. God, time has flown.

My first day back in work after the best part of a fortnight on leave. Wasn't too bad an experience actually. Did very little. Had trouble remembering every password I normally use on a day to day basis. 'And how do I use this email client again?' Best line of the day was in response to 'tell me, why is that textarea not a textarea again?' I amazed myself with the answer (which I can't remember now). It sorta made sense to me. But then, I'm off again on Friday.

And I thought of all the things I wanted to do in my first week off. Back to work and I think of the things I've actually done. Erm. None of them. OK, I got a DVD writer for the computer, installed everything. I ain't used it yet.

I bought a 'chinning bar' that I fixed to the frame of my bedroom door yesterday. I've been meaning to get one for a very long time. Finally managed it, fitted it (without the aid of a drill or electric screwdriver). I've used that. Three times now.

The cat's just tried to have a go at it. Seriously. She was crouched at one side of the door frame all set to leap up, again. I only spotted her the first time 'cos she caught the light switch to the bathroom. Crazy little stoner. She's also recently had a good sniff at some of my sex toys. I thought she was going to run off with one dildo. Believe me, she's done it before!!

But back to the chinning bar. I'm going downstairs to make a coffee and start thinking about the bar. There could be some horny fun in it. Its designed to hold a maximum of 15 stone (no trouble there for a long while then). It wont work with inversion boots (and for some reason that sounds like a car part to me) but i only like being upside down for sexual purposes. Nah, it's too low to hang a sling off. WHAAAATT!!! Did I really just think that? I was only thinking about getting tied up to it. Pity its too low. And too close to the airing cupboard. So if you see in the newspapers about a lad knocked out after hitting a hot water tank during a bizarre sex session, don't worry, it's only gonna be me.

Oh yes, other thing I've done is attempt to go shopping for clothes for Mardi Gras. Four hours. And all I get is a pair of trainer socks and a pair of underwear that I'll probably wear once and never again. But they're CK, and they're nice, and they feel nice, and I was surprised at how comfortable they are to wear. But I still hate wearing underwear in general. Especially as 'lucky coping knickers' are being put out to pasture, they're looking old and tired. Ben'll be mortified.

Well, maybe it's not been a complete waste of time off...

...Chris and the Li'l Pitt Bull are no more.

I've been advised that I can still mess and joke, but to go easy on him. Of course, I will. He's a nice guy and we know there are a few things he needs to sort out in his own head. It wouldn't be fair for me to push too hard.

If he is gonna come out, and we all feel its just a matter of time now, he needs to do it on his terms and in his own way.

We'll be there for him.

Well. I waited until 12. No contact from Cam. I was logged into Gaydar this morning, so was he. He was on MSN. So was I. I'm not bothered, or upset. Annoyed? Yes, slightly. Just proves to me further that I can't connect with people of that age. The upside? Well I now have a toilet bowl you could eat your dinner out of (if you're so inclined to do such things).

The downside? Horny. At a loose end 'cos all I'd thought about was basically 2 days of non-stop sex with Cam. Bugger. I fancy going out, but its Wednesday on the way up to Mardi Gras so no fucker will be out.

Grr!!

So, I'm home alone. But I have thought up a single man, though its a bit in-appropriate. Chris has been having arguments with his girlfriend. Quite a lot of arguments. Apparently, they're very close to splitting up. 'Perhaps little Pitt Bull that she is is fed up of wearing the strap-on all the time?' I joked with Mart. His face was a picture. They think he's close to coming out at work. So not sure whether he's single just yet, but its on the cards.

He's just moved as well. Went round to his old place and to see his new place a few weeks back. I did manage to get to play with his sword. You had to go through his bedroom to get to the bathroom. One time on the way back he stopped me and asked me whether I'd like to see it. Of course I said yes. It was long and it was heavy as he handed it to me out of the cardboard box he keeps it in.

Stoned people and sharp knives are probably not a good combination, but I had to do this. I waltzed back to the others with the sword at crotch height, pointing upwards. Kyle was stood up with his back to me in front of the others. 'Bend over and spread 'em, so I can split you in half with this monster!' I commanded him. He turned, saw what I was holding, then shrieked. The others, including Chris, just fell about laughing. He came and retrived the sword to put back into safety. 'Just wait until Adele finds out...' I started to Mart. His eyes widened, he'd read my mind. '.. just make sure she knows its wasn't his pork sword'. Adele is someone they both work with. We've now all got the serious giggles, Chris arrives back, straight faced, and no one can explain to him why we're like this.

So I don't know what I'm gonna do tonight. But now that my arse has healed from Len's activities we're open for business. And gagging for it...

Shit. I bought steak to cook for when Cam came over. Why can't I think of one single man I know? I know there aren't any virgins left in Manchester (very few tops as well judging by the Gaydar chat rooms). For sex they come running, for food they run away. My kitchen skills aren't that bad, are they?

I've obtained a film by dubious means. Very different from my usual porn downloading. It's called 'Mysterious Skin' by Gregg Araki. TimeOut reviewed the film here. It even has its 'official' website here.

I'm not going to say anything about the film other than how moving it was. There are a few scenes that are hard to watch, quite disturbing. It's possibly not to everyones taste but it is a captivating, haunting story.

If you get a chance to see it, or even manage to download it from somewhere do so. I'm still thinking about it an hour later.

Don't know whether its a shift in the sun or further slowing in the earth's rotation but something weird is afoot. It could even be 'that time of the year' again, you know, the sun starts shining, people start taking clothes off, hormones race to people heads. And people start falling in love.

Mart's still in love, sort of. Kyle's fallen in love, again (stopped counting in April). An' me, I'm still trying to be "the single mother of two who doesn't want another fella 'cos it'll affect me benefits⁺". Now this is not me saying that I'm not ever going to fall for someone again. Not at all. Just not yet.

You might be able to tell by the tone of the title of this post that over the past month or so a number of potential stable mates have approached me with the idea of bedding then wedding. Now I know I'm not old fashioned in my views but this whole not sleeping with them unless 'i fancy them and make them mine' lark is something I grew out of when I was 18. We say that Kyle's biggest problem is being able to keep his dick in his pants: he falls head over heals in love, everything looks like paradise, then he shags someone else, but he's still in love with the first guy. At least I'm honest, I suppose. I don't do the falling in love bit, cos I know I don't want that kind of attachment. There's only one owner for my dick and that's me: he goes where we want.

So let's round the top three up, in no specific order...

In chair number one we have Nathan, a mechanic from somewhere down south. We meet while I'm waiting for Mart, Jay (his bf) and Chris to arrive at Thompsons. Mart is delayed finishing work so it knocks them later in getting out. So I'm sat at a table and there's a small group behind me. I have to go out to answer my phone, so when I come back I choose a different location so I can see the group a little better. Nathan stuck out at me. Handsome, not cute, tall and with something 'interesting' to his character. We eventually struck up conversation, turns out he's completely compatible for fun with me apart from two things: he doesn't like group sex, and he has a lot of body hair. Nevertheless, he was the kind of person who I wanted to see, have as a mate, and have some good times with. Mart and the tribe arrived while we were sucking the faces off each other. Well he started it by asking how I liked to be kissed. So I showed him. One hand fell to his crotch (by accident of course) and what was there was very nice to the touch. I was playing hard to get when he kept asking me to go to the loo with him so he could see my piercing. I was purposely playing badly (I did want to, no surprise!). We exchanged phone numbers to arrange a meeting up the next day. I sent him a text message later on telling him where we ended up. Nothing. Bang went the fantasy we discussed of him ragging my naked body sensless on the bonet of a car in his workshop while he was just wearing his oily overalls. Ooooohhhh!

In at number two we have Len. You know how you sometimes get talking online to 'interesting' people? Well Len is a nice guy, actually a very sweet guy, highly intelligent, but not of this planet. He arrived at mine. I never knew he was travelling to Manchester specifically to meet me. I also never realised he would be staying the night!! So we try a few things: I spend two hours with his fingers up my arse (three fingers at the most, I hasten to add. Kyle automatically thought I meant fisting when I told him), and a very enjoyable two hours at that. Then I'm tied up for some more of the same. He said we wouldn't fuck on a first meeting, his thing, it was attempted the following morning, along with a 69. Turns out he's a gay virgin and all that we'd done had been a first for him. A few hours after he's gone I get a phone call. He'd felt a connection with me. Well I suppose that kinda happens when you're playin' 'Sooty' with someone. Here's someone I've only met physically less than 24 hours previously clearly having fallen hook line and sinker. I had to tell him that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, but his tone on the other end of the phone was much like '...but when a position opens you will consider me?' I generally get between 2 and 3 emails and at least one missed call on my phone a day.

Finally, theres the sweetheart of number three. Cam. Now Cam is what I'd normally class as a baby. Not a babe, a gay baby. We got talking cos he was fascinated by my piercings. I still only got three. He wanted to know my experiences because he was thinking of getting something done but couldn't decide what. Also, he's supposed to be coming to Manchester for University so fancied making a few friends before he arrived. I have to be honest here, there's something about this kid that makes him older than the years he is. There's a knowledge and a maturity that makes him interesting to me. Without that I probably wouldn't bat an eyelid at him, even though he is six-foot-odd, gorgeous slim figure, and with a massive thick cock. So anyway, after much debating I've got some days off work and we decided he should come over Wednesday this week. Cut back a few days, he's depressed, he feels ugly cos no one wants him, he didn't cop off at the staff do the previous night. So I try and big him up, remind him that he's comin over to mine, that we'll have a laugh, some very very horny sex (the guy has a dirtier mind than me!!), and that he can just chill out. Then I get scolded cos 'its not serious'. So I tell him that I like him, and I do like him a lot. I tell him that I can't say I love him cos I haven't met him. He knows I'm not looking for anything permanent, we'd already had that argumdiscussion. But I've fallen for people without realising in the past. And something's happened today. Don't know if its something I've said or not said. But we were talking on MSN and he mentioned that he hoped that his mum wouldn't stop him from going, and that sparked off a conversation about parents then all of a sudden he disappeared. Not been on line since. I've sent a message to see if hes ok and to find out what time he's arriving tomorrow. Strangely, I've got a feeling that tomorrow aint gonna be happening. Pity really, 'cos I really have been taken with this lad.

And still Pete's drunken voice on the phone not able to believe me being single...

There is love in my life, and there's a lot of love in my heart. I do intend to fall in love again, and if necessary give my love away completely. But it has to be complete, it has to be without conditions, from either side. When that finds me at the right moment in my life the situation will be different. Until then...

The post of 'Boyfriend' is currently under review

⁺ Mart moving into the Manor House (and yes, it's on a hill!!) has only changed him slightly. In the middle of a bitching session with Kyle he referred to Kyle as 'Council Estate Trash'. 'Hey hon,' I said to Kyle, 'does that make us officially Chav then?'. Kyle's response: 'Nice one, fella.'