Monday, November 28, 2005

Lucky Lucky Bunny

Well that's the weekend over. And just like last year, I spent most of D-Day itself in bed. The three of us had a brilliant night on Saturday night, though we did cry off a little early to go home for sex!!

I'd got the invitation to stay with them another night. Just for cuddles and to sleep. But I knew that tonight I was probably gonna be restless and didn't want to disturb Liam, he'd not slept since Thursday so spent all of Sunday, like myself, in bed.

I've had a wonderful time with them, and I love spending time with them. There's nothing better at the moment than being naked in bed, with two hot guys, with the three of us just holding each other and cuddling. I might not have felt the need for a boyfriend in so long, but I realise now the one thing I did need.

I'm such a lucky boy. But then I should be. I'm one of Adrians' Boys now.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Waiting For Tonight

Got me a new outfit sorted: Trakies, t-shirt and new cap. I'm gonna look so hot in it even though its all blue - which is not my usual colour. And my nice new collar? Well that can wait for another outing.

Been down most of the day. A little retail therapy helped, but only a little. I saw the top that I got for Kyle some weeks back and about the same moment a bootleg of Lisa Stansfield's 'People Hold On' came on over the sound system. Kyle knows I've always liked Lisa Stansfield so when he got hold of that bootleg I was one of the first people he played it to. I love it. Walking around the store singing along to it I wondered what he was up to, and whether 'it' had happened. Cos I wont find out until Monday.

Tonight I need to dance me tits off. Forget the real world for a while. And see how the night pans out. Aint got a clue where I'm gonna end up but I was ordered by Mart to call him and if necessary go to him if I was feeling bad, lonely or isolated. Tonight is my night. It's for me to enjoy.

For the first time ever it feels strange to be going out alone. Its never phased me in the past and it doesn't now. Probably just my preoccupation with other things.

And then tomorrow night I do it all over again. But this time with Adrian and Liam. Whether I'll see them tonight or not I don't know. Liam and I sorted out the basic game plan for Saturday out the other night. If tonight is a disaster at least I know that Saturday is gonna be fantastic. And there was me telling someone last night that there's more to me than the pill popping, spliff smoking, piss head, cock jockey party animal I like to make myself out to be...

Baked for 10 mins under UV light, clothes sorted. Just need to eat, get dressed and get my ass on that dance floor.

Bring it on!!!

Precious Words

Another strange awakening
Another memory on its way
Another night in an empty room
Another throw away day

How long
Must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have left to prove
That I've nothing more left to lose

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me

Loneliness says much more
Than a thousand words ever said
Conversations pass me by
I'm left with silence instead

How long must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have to cling to
A constant reminder of you

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me

You left my world empty
Now there's nothing to say

Precious words
Wont bring you back to me...

How long
Must I go on fooling myself
In a world of make-believe

Precious words
Are all that I have left to prove
That I've nothing more left to lose

Precious words wont bring you back to me
Precious words wont bring you back to me
You left my world empty
Now there's nothing to say
Precious words
Wont bring you back to me

[Precious Words : Swing Out Sister : Kaleidoscope World ]

Boys Will Be Boys

I feel really bad. And Im not entirely sure why. I know I can't get Kyle and what he's doing out of my mind. It's my maternal instinct on overload: I don't want him to go through this cos I know its bad, but I'm frustrated cos I know that I can't stop him.

I ended up sending him a message last night. Told him that even though I put the phone down on him the message was not an apology. I was trying to tell him all that I felt at the time, that for this point in time it was the biggest insult he could ever give me.

Speaking with someone else last night about it online I explained that I was angry and why. He too can't understand how someone can deliberately get infected, and was stunned to know that there are people out there who are only too willing to openly infect someone. He asked whether I'd gone round to see him. And I know I wanted to, but know that I'd probably have killed him myself if I had.

Some hours later a few more messages passed between us. I made it clear that Id spoken with Mart about this and that we both knew that we'd have to turn our backs on him over this. Im in a position I don't want to be in. I told him not to come looking for sympathy when he can't bear to look at himself in the mirror, when his own body repulses him, and when the pain inside gets too much. Cos it will happen, its only a matter of time.

Then came the message where I knew that there was no point in me fighting this. This changes so much between us. He's always been a loose cannon but this is one step too far. Even for him. Every fibre of my body tells me this is wrong. Someone told Mart last weekend that Kyle was headed for something terminally destructive by his own hands. This is it.

"welcome to the dark side" went one line of his message. Yes, this is the dark side, but he has absolutely no concept of just how dark it is here. I told him I'd see him when he arrived. Cos even though I don't wanna see him go through this you know I can't just leave him on his own.

Boys will be boys, they say. One thing that binds me Mart and Kyle together is that when we get an idea in our heads we stick to it. He said he needs me and Mart, we're all he has. I tried to stop him but without success. I can turn around but I can't stay away.

He'd reminded me on the phone that it was about this time last year when this came up last. I checked. He's a couple of weeks early but never mind. The kids know about my diary, I've never made a secret out of keeping it. I've told them about things I've written but they've never read it. I always believed that that was for later, maybe in Kyle's case there are parts of it he needs to know about sooner. There have been events where at least one of them has gone '...Now that's something for the diary!'

In hindsight I should have seen this coming. Kyle is complex, but there have been patterns. Talk about 'barebacking' which, understandably at the time, I laid in to him about. Conversations I didn't connect until now.

Reading back on last year reminded me how I felt about his result last time. I was so pleased that it was -ve but part of me, selfishly, had wanted someone else close to me to share all of this world. Mart and Kyle to me are the brothers I never got and the children I'll never have. If he does come back poz after all this, and there are no guarantees, he's still got to wait to be tested. A bizarre kinda Christmas present? But if the desire to become poz is eating away at him like this now, the wait for proof of infection is going to chew him up completely. In his own head, though, he's not gonna need that proof.

HIV is for life, not just for Christmas.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


Well D-Day 2 is gonna be memorable. Sadly for all the wrong reasons.

I've just spent an hour on the phone to a very pissed up Kyle. He's not been in work this week: pissed. Originally, he cried off the weekend because he was going away to 'dry out'. Later, though not that much later, he admitted to lying to me. He's not drying out at all, it's his intention to spend the weekend getting 'pozzed up'. It's all arranged. He gets the train tomorrow to see someone willing to do this for him, oh, and there's a mate who's also gonna have a ride 'just to make sure'.

I was in tears, shouting at him, trying to get him to change his mind about this. I can't believe after everything that's happened that he's willing to go through with this. He's got this view in his head that life will be so much better for him, that becoming positive will make people love him and want him.

Why do people who are -ve seem to think that our life is so much better? I just don't get it. I'll admit that I owe a lot of who and what I am now to being +ve but that doesn't change the fact that there are so many time when I wish I wasn't. In bed a few nights back I was asking myself that if I knew what I know now ten years ago would I have changed anything. My answer to myself was that there would be very little I'd have changed. And it amounted more to things I wish I had done sooner, and people I wish I'd met or avoided.

I'm shaking in anger I'm so upset by what he said. I told him that if he's prepared to go through all that that it shows just what kind of a friend he's been to me over the past two years. If nothing else, it shows just how little attention he's paid. To me its an insult. I know he's a mixed up kid but I just can't get my head around it. I'm actually disgusted by it. I know deep down when reality finally dawns that he's gonna regret this big time, whenever that is.

Part of me wants to drive over there now, beat him up, and I mean really cause some damage. And to fuck him. I'm so annoyed that I know if pushed I probably could kill him. That's scary. And it upsets me more that I can have thoughts like that and know that I could go through with it. But I made a promise to myself, that my disease dies with me. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I'd infected someone. I think of it as my revenge on the thing that invaded me.

If I am seen to be living a good life then its for no other reason than I make sure its a good life. It doesn't come naturally. It's fucking hard work sometimes. I try and have fun, try and have a laugh, though sometimes I dont have the will power to do it. But I do know that I can fool myself into believing that things are better than they are. Escapism. And sometimes that works sometimes it doesn't. Either way, there's always a price to pay, at some point in time.

So then I ring Mart. He thinks Kyle is attention seeking and he may have a point. Let's face it, both of them know me well enough to be able to find something that will hurt me deeply. I tell Mart as much as I can through my upset and anger. And something has been nagging in my mind for the past few days that Mart wasn't gonna be around either. I was right. He's on call with work, and with the way we party there's no way he can do both. He was appologetic about it, and I know genuinly sorry for not being there. We will do something over the next week, and it was Mart who was insistant about that, but it wont be the same. It hurts that the two people I care most about in my life wont be around.

Even though I've seen Ben, James and Daddy numerous times over the last fortnight I hadn't told them about D-Day. Despite Daddy knowing that it was coming up. Just something he said that I glossed over the other weekend. Thing is I was planning on going to Barracks and didn't really think it was their kinda scene.

And Pete, who I invited so that once and for all I could get him and Mart together in a room and get their differences dealt with has cried off. Bad news in his fella's family and financial problems. I wasn't too worried about all that. He wasn't involved last year and accepted my reasons for that, though he was more annoyed at Micheal for not being around than I was.

The pills for tomorrow night are sat in front of me. Winking. Saying 'take me, take me'. I feel a bit like Alice in fucking Wonderland!! They just look too tempting.

These are the constants about this weekend:

Am I doing something wrong or is it right that this game just don't get easier with practice?

'Nuff Said?

Been away for a while and all I do is a short entry? Ha ha. Yea stingy with info as well as blood! eh?

Ok. It comes in one line. Y'all ready for this?

Two plus one is three: Three is family

'Nuff Said?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Sex and Storage Boxes

Or, another set of random updates.

Arrived home yesterday evening to a message from Cam. Well three actually:
'Hi, u busy?'
'U there?'
'Wot u up 2 2nyte?'

I responded to the latter one, it was only sent about 20 minutes before I got in. Asking whether it was a veilled attempt to try and tell me he was horny. I kind of gathered that he was. But explained to him that I don't do subtle. That if he wants to fuck to come straight out with it.

I succumbed to a face-to-face meeting with him. Tomorrow night. If he's a good boy he might get rumpy-pumpy. If he's a bad bad boy I'll be taking ropes so I can tie him up and leave him. Tee hee he. Only for an hour or so.

Well, he wants to learn to be a sub and I did manage to get an Aussie lad well worked up on Gaydar by being dom to his skater-boy fantasy. When I stopped laughing at some of the shit I was coming out with I actually enjoyed the experience. Thank god it was done by text, I'd have creased up with sound and video:

[him] Oh man, I wanna be you're boyfriend
[me] You wanna be one of my bitches?
You think you're good enough you piece of shit?
[him] I wanna be you're boyfriend so you can fuck me all night with your pierced cock
[me] Just shut the fuck up. I'll tell you when you speak. Dirtbag.
told you. i don't do boyfriends. i keep bitches. you wanna be my bitch you gotta work for it
[him] you're making me so horny
[me] shut your fuckin trap or do i have to shut it for you?
[him] yea, let me suck your cock. i wanna feel you're metal in me.
[me] ha! you want me to fuck you? you want my metal?
[him] yea
[me] well fuck you cunt. you get it when i tell you.
now get your shit-eating mouth suckin my balls. Now!!
[him] o yea!

That went on for about 30 minutes. And I was having a more civilised conversation with someone else at the same time. Not told Cam about that, and don't think I will. I had a giggle but it's not really me. I'm much better as the sub. But the best was before all that.

[him] hey guy. what you wearing
[me] cap, trakies and TN's and thats it
[him] wow
[him] that's so hot man
[me] wot bout you?
he tells me what he's wearing, basically t-shirt and baggy boxers
[me] lol. lots of room for things to grow then?
[him] ha ha yea.
[him] what's TNS?

After I'd picked myself up off the floor from laughing I did tell him they were a brand of trainer by Nike. My reason for laughing: consider if the conversation had gone like this:

[him] hey guy. what you wearing
[me] a bodybag and thats it
[him] wow
[him] that's so hot man

An Invitation
Got a message today from Liam. They've invited me over for tea sometime next week. I'm trying to contain my excitement about meeting them but I really wanna do it. Seems Ade hasn't stopped talking about me. And if they ever get to speak to Mart he'll say the same thing about me! I want to arrange some days off from work for D-Day (and of course World Aids Day is coming upon us) so might try and slot another one in for them. I like them as people and the sex is amazing but even if it is just a civillised chat and eat thing I'll be so more than happy. Whatever happens in the long run with the three of us I want it to work and for us all to be happy. I've not felt this way about virtual strangers in a long long time.

D-Day Preparations
Ordered the collar last night. If I wear it, I wear it. If I don't then it's a toy for another time. Should arrive later this week. Everything has gone quiet over the Faithless thing so I don't think that's happening. But I floated the idea of Club Barracks with Kyle last night. It's a go-er from my end and basically it's my day, so what I say goes!

Aint got a clue what I'll be wearing (collar or no collar). By the end of the evening probably very little. Someone might even be wearing me. You never know. Or is that just wishful (hopeful) thinking?

Storage Boxes
Now boyf accused me of having a Tupperware fetish sometime last year when I kept buying plastic storage boxes from ASDA. Those along with some of the more re-useable ones I'd kept when Pete and I got Chinese or Indian takeaways meant I'd got a smallish but adequate collection.

However, storage space is one thing lacking where I live. There are sex toys all over the house. There have been times when Mart or Jay have come round and 'something' has been left in the bathroom. First time Mart saw Richard in-the-silicone he came down wide-eyed and stunned. I'd sent him a picture of it at work cos someone there wanted to know what a butt plug was, and he knew I'd be able to answer that one. Just didn't expect me to do it in that way. He wasn't expecting the picture of Richard. But the real-life experience was slightly disconcerting. And I should point out that he was wide-eyed with the visual shock not because he'd tried it.

But having them all over causes two problems: dust, and 'where-the-fuck-did-I-put-it?'. The idea was to put everything like that in one box: toys, leather stuff, rope, all in one place. I've had to get another large box. Didn't think I had that much stuff! So now I got a toy box and a play box under my bed.

There's a box for me nob jewellery - all neatly bagged and labelled. Mart howled when he saw that.
There's another box for medicines - which ideally needs replacing with two bigger ones, but smaller than the toy box, one for general first aid type shit and one for more specialised stuff.
I got a box for sweets - though I'm off them at the moment, even chocolate (but I'm not concerned, strangely)
I even ended up getting one to put weed and cigarette papers in.
There might ultimately be one bought and put aside for when boi buys 'naughty toffee's'. Though that one will have to be hidden when the kids come round!

National Erotica Day

Did you know that today is/was National Erotica Day?

I didn't! Only heard about it this afternoon on the radio. And I was working hard with my Manager so there was no way I could look up anything about it. Grrr.

It has a website for a convention-like 'show'. They were running a survey but I've obviously missed that one. The results of the survey will be published in The News of the World the site says.

Apparently, there have been 13 'Erotica Shows' like the one running from 17-20th November since 1997: 9 in London, 1 in New York and 3 in Manchester. The idea appeals to me but don't ask why.

So tonight, me and the cat will be cuddled up together with a spliff, box of tissues and a copy of Cazzo's Sex Pigs. She likes the vacuum tube thingy bit near the end (which is nice, but looks painful to me) and a scene with an incredibly large black dildo, but I like the interesting use of a Fork Lift Truck as a sex toy in the opening scenes - you gotta see it to understand it - and there's a very very cute lad in red motorcycle leathers.

So if it wont fit in my mouth it wont fit up my arse? Don't believe you!

The fact that he's got a good looking pierced dick and a body that I wouldn't mind exploring myself has no bearing on my fondness for this film. She's not telling me why she likes it. Maybe she gets the German dialogue?

Hope. Hysteria. Heresy?

The case of Andrew Stimpson and his 'miraculous' recovery from HIV raises many questions. It was early Sunday morning when the news was broken to me. I, with a couple of others, one also poz, listened. Hoping that maybe this was the breakthrough that all affected with and by this condition have been waiting for. Maybe, just maybe, we will see the demise of this spectre in our own lifetime. Though something inside of me, not sure what just yet, doesn't want to run and jump naked around the room quite yet. There's too much hype and not enough fact and I think that's clouding the situation for me. My mind is telling me to reserve judgement until the facts are in.

If the case is real - I've come across nothing yet to convince me either way - then surely we should all breath a sigh of relief? Stimpson believes its down to self-medication with vitamin supplements. Ok, hands up those who've tried to boost their immune system with supplements. My ex-sister in law kept going on about me trying Ecanicia because it had done wonders for her. She stopped raving about it when after I'd done a little research and found a number of sources that told me to steer well clear of the stuff! I've tried taking Selenium, Zinc and Vitamin E (the kind you can buy from the chemist!!) though I'm not too sure what effect it had. But that was in support of a recommendation that I take 5-HTP (Tryptophan) when I was having exceptionally bad bouts of insomnia. The Trypto did sort of help with sleeping, and helped somewhat with the associated depression. There's no indication that anything actually happened and any benefit I percieved could well have been psychosomatic. Though I did get amazingly off my box after purposefully OD'ing on it, but we can blame Arsehole for that incident.

Something that strikes me hard with all this is that everyone of us infected with HIV is different. Even if we all started out with an identical virus due to our different biochemistries and the eratic way that HIV duplicates itself it's not long before the virus itself becomes quite different. And that's before you begin to think of environmental factors such as general health... So even if inside this one man's immune system lies the key to a cure, is it a cure that will work for all? I think not. After all, those who control the virus with medication know that the combinations need careful monitoring, adjustment, and sometimes switching drugs in and out just to make them work for the host body.

There's also research that suggests that the HIV virus itself is weaker now than it was originally. Has this been factored in? But here's something I don't get: if the virus trully is weaker why are we [as a community] needing more and stronger drugs to control it? I understand that the virus has changed during its time with us on this planet, and I conceed that we have better medical technology and resulting knowledge than we did in the 1980's. I also understand that the whole idea of the drug therapies is to reduce the amount of HIV in the body, specifically the blood stream, in the hope that the immune system can repair itself. We have this wonderful benchmark: 'undetectable'. Basically meaning that although they can't see it in your blood they know it's hiding somewhere inside there! In real terms maybe this concept is flawed. There's so much we know about the workings of the human body but there is more that we don't know. The same can be said of HIV. I've never heard of a body restoring to pristine condition after the drugs doing their job, that's not to say that it hasn't happened. Remember I'm still a fairly fresh pup on the block. Even I know that my experiences may be similar to other people, but not always identical.

I've just read the following from the above linked BBC article:

"Obviously this virus is still causing death, although it may be causing death at a slower rate of progression now. Maybe in another 50 to 60 years we might see this virus not causing death."

Keith Alcorn, senior editor at the HIV information charity NAM, said it had been thought that HIV would increase in virulence as it passed through more and more human hosts.

But the latest study suggested the opposite is actually true.

"What appears to be happening is that by the time HIV passes from one person to another, it has already toned down some of its most pathogenic effects in response to its host's immune system," he said.

"So the virus that is passed on is less 'fit' each time.

"This would suggest that over several generations, HIV could become less harmful to its human hosts.

I'm reminded of something I read when I was first diagnosed and wanted to know how this thing worked. The book mentioned the Small Pox virus and how this seemed to 'burn itself out'. It was thought that Syphillis had burned itself out, and yet we're seeing it again as a rising epidemic. History repeats itself, but that doesn't mean that virology does the same. And what happens if and when this burn out becomes a reality?

Think about this: the drug manufacturers have created a whole industry of research, development and production based on the HIV market. Yes, I think I can refer to us as a 'market'. What happens to them when their 'cash cow', ok, in proportion, 'elephantine herd of cash cows' suddenly keels over? We are a captive audience for their wares when you think about it. I don't want to get into the 'AIDS Mafia' debate but the implications of that must surely have a basis on whether this 'key', if it exists, can or will be replicated. Or indeed whether they will want to support it. Businesses, despite their best good intentions, have their wheels oiled by cash not customer consideration - the bottom line is more important than the butts that sit on it. Our butts, remember that!

If this whole thing is just a charade then the puppeteers are either foolish, misguided, or downright callous. With not far off 40 million known HIV cases globally that's 40 million people who will be seriously pissed off if this is a hoax. I'm slowly talking myself into hoping that this isn't a hoax.

Paraphrasing a section of the Simon Gee thing on Channel Five last week:
The pills that I have to take everyday... The pills that are keeping me alive. I'll have to take them until the end of my life. Knowing that one day they'll stop working.

It's a sobering thought. In anyone's book. Remember the cartoon characters with the canon ball chained to their ankle? That's the way I view the point in time when I have to start medication. And I know that's not a new thought to some people. I've met people who carry that ball around. It's soul destroying to find that there's another link in the chain of things you rely on to keep you going. My chain is short and light, for the moment. But it wont always be like that.

And theres people now who will have heard the news and mis-interpretted it. I'm already fighting with Kyle over the whole barebacking thing without something like this convincing him that what I've got won't happen to him. HIV is still with us. AIDS is still a reality. The landscape aint gonna change overnight just because yet another isolated case of a 'miracle' hits the headlines. And if this is real is it gonna be this year we find that prayers have been answered? Next year? The year after that? Will the drug companies allow this to happen at the risk of trashing the happy synergy they have? Or is this a legacy left to the next generation of poz puppies?

I'm just a puppy whose been told that his bite could well be worse than his bark. What do I know?

Doubts rise over HIV 'cure' claims
Q&A: 'Cured' of HIV
Caution over HIV 'cure' claims
Aids virus 'could be weakening'

Friday, November 11, 2005

Start The Day The Shitty Way...

Can't believe I did this...

Got up this morning and went for a dump as usual (like you really needed to know that) and thought nothing more about it.

Wandered about the house for about 10 mins making a brew, checking the computer for messages and getting meself ready - meeting in 45 minutes. Sat on the bed to put me trakies on. Get up and notice two little brown marks on the bed sheet. Eww, I think. But put it down to fingering myself before sleeping last night. Then I go to the computer and spot a similar mark on the bench I sit on...

Oh no! Guess who forgot to wipe?

But it gets worse. After putting my trakies on I was admiring my arse in the bathroom mirror and ran my fingers over the covered crack. They are the tight black ones I bought the other weekend and I do look really good in them, especially the arse! Why does this kind of thing happen when you don't have time to change?

This Is The Better Life


Just called through ASDA on my way back home from a meeting. Only really called into use the cash machine cos I needed to get Gas but I ended up going in and bought a couple of non-essential items.

Wandering around - bit of a day-dreamer today - I spotted my very first girl friend. Talk about blast from the past. We were in Primary School and I loved her to bits. After we'd had the sex education videos (and she's two years younger than me I think) I fancied boning her and she quite fancied getting boned by me. Never happened though. We were too young.

But, fuck me, does she look rough! Sorry Suzanne, but you do. Screaming brat in a crib thing on top of the trolley, another screaming brat holding on to her hand and pulling her where he wanted to go - reminded me of her baby brother. The once lovely long blonde curly hair now lank, greasy and dark. Face with that 'lived in' look.

Fuck! That could've been my life. So glad I realised at 13 which direction I wanted to point in.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Old Leather & Me

Why does 30 seem old to me at the moment? When I was 26 I wasn't worried about hitting 30. I've never been too bothered about ages, either my own or other peoples, but it's strange how overnight I've started dreading that one year after 29! And someone told me last night that I don't look 27. Did have a situation the other week where the Fishy Friend of someone I ended up going with was trying to disuade him from picking me up cos she thought I was jail bait!! Now that is stretching the wire a bit! Tho he was stunned to find me as old as 26.

Thing is, I'm not bothered about other people being over 30, it's just me that I don't want to get to 30. So when I stumbled across the profile of a 39 year old who describes himself as being into:

sleazy anonymous leather scenes
cruisin` leather fuck bars/clubs & dark back alleys
holding down a hot lad in chaps and fucking him senseless
feeding hard thick cock to hungry chem`d up bottoms at parties
long intense sessions of cock worship and deep throat

something other than my ears pricks up. But best is that he is looking for:

total bottom
20-35 yo
smooth fuck hole
greedy cock sucker

Sound familiar to anyone? He's got a gorgeous bod in his harness and chaps but he lives on another continent. Some people don't look good in a harness. I do. I got one cos I thought it looked horny (on someone else with a similar body shape to mine) and I was right. No pics for here as yet, been too busy playing instead of posing.

Also, got a reply from Liam after my message on Saturday. I was getting a bit concerned. It was very positive, claiming to be the best threesome they'd ever had. Certainly ranked in a new category for me and I'm still wanking off to the horny memories of it. Ball is in their court now. It's just the waiting.

Oh The Little Ones!!

Spoke to Cam online last night. First time we've properly spoken since his apology. It was basically: come over, come over. So I pointed out that he could also come over to mine. I kept trying to tell him that it wasn't gonna happen last night. I've got the mother fucker of all days today: spending the whole day in a room of people trying to tell me how good some software is when I know already that it's a complete pile of poo!

In the end I snapped at him. Basically the result of a line about him being closer to me now and yet it seeming harder for us to arrange a meet up. Ok, he was horny, and not doing a good show of hiding it. But I got out of the habit of jumping when someone clicked their fingers when I became single. And it's not a habit I'm about to jump back on to.

Was I really that precious at his age? Was I really that demandind? Erm, I can be that demanding now so I guess the answer to that one is 'yes'!

Half of me is thinking its gonna be a complete disaster when we do finally meet up in person, the other part of me is just saying to get it on, fuck him and fuck him off.

Ouch! Shallow!!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Back To School

Just been taking a quick look, as I do from time to time, at where I get linked from. And I've just found out that I'm listed as a 'Partner' to the Brat Boy School. On there I happened to come across an article on body hair removal - a topic that I have a lot of interest in! There's an interesting tip about using Witch Hazel after shaving. Ouch!! Sounds painful to me, but you just never know.

Oh, and the founder and President, Ethan, fuck me what a sex god! Yum!!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Meat For The Grinder?

I've got an idea about something but I just don't know how workable it is. Also not sure where to begin explaining it all. I though I'd put something in here ages ago about things I thought I needed but I'm buggered if I can find it now. Ah, there it is.

Now maybe this is on my mind after the other night with Adrian and Liam. If it is, then maybe I need to forget about it for a while and come back on it. Either way putting it here might help me make sense of it.

Ok. In one go. I want to be a part of a three-way relationship. That wasn't too difficult?

It's not that I'm short on people who love me, or would be willing to be my boyfriend. But I don't feel like 'boyfriend material'. That makes sense: I don't feel like it so I don't want it! The whole 'boyfriend'-thing, though, comes as a package of smaller components, if you think about it. Know how you buy a compilation CD sometimes just cos you want one track off it? Well I think that's where my head is now about having/being a boyfriend. Only I'm not about spending £15 to get £1.75-worth of pleasure. To continue with the CD analogy, if you keep playing the entire thing you might eventually grow to like more of the CD. May be all of it, or maybe not. After all there is always something you don't like about someone no matter how trivial.

Kyle and I had a discussion ages ago. Well it was more me telling him off! He'd snagged a fella, a very nice one actually. Even Kyle admitted to feeling that this one was 'the one'. That he hadn't felt this way since << insert name of boyfriend/short-term shag last-but-one here >>. But Kyle had been playing away and got himself into a bit of a state about it. At the time I was probably the worst person to offer relationship advice, but I did. I came out with a huge long speech about why he should be faithful to the guy and stop playing around, but ended it with the statement '... or maybe it really does take more than one man to satisfy you?' Kyle was just starting to realise how naughty I could be but me saying that still stunned him.

I've recently learned a new term: Friends With Benefits. Kyle likes it cos it kinda fits with where he is with someone at the moment. I suppose it occasionally describes me and Mart but not quite. I find it strange how Kyle thinks me sleeping with friends is bad but maybe that's just me.

But I don't think I'd survive living on just a two-way street. Have I felt so closed in in my previous relationships that it's a place I don't wanna try again? I don't know. I'm thinking about one of the benefits that I saw in the relationship I had with Micheal: I had the freedom to do whatever I liked with whoever I chose, at the end of the day I knew who I wanted and that they also wanted me, whatever they had been up to. To my mind it's a model that should have worked, and did up until someone decided they didn't want to play anymore.

Not sure whether I'm thinking I want dual boyfriends. Seeing boyf1 on Monday, Tuesday and Friday and the rest of the time with boyf2 isn't me somehow. Think that would cause too many problems. And apart from being exhausting I don't think I need to publicly confirm my reputation for being a tart. And think about the hell it would be if the two of them couldn't get on with each other.

The following all have something in common: my Masters in London, Ben and James, Ade and Liam. They are all existing relationships that I've been invited into. And that's seemed normal to me! Ben and James you'd think are ideal candidates for this play. But my own mind doesn't think so. They've known me for a long time, and frequently intimately! I do love the pair of them, I know how Ben feels about me, and James has already told me he loves me but that in a tie between us Ben would win. Maybe its worth exploring that one in the future.

I guess this also explains part of the appeal of me being a slave boy: I'd got the love or affection, the security and the involvement of being in a relationship without the need to be committed to only one person. Do I believe that you can love more than one person? Yes I do. Would you love them equally and identically? Probably not, but as long as there is a balance and a fair balance at that then I'm thinking that's ok.

I think I'm on to something. But now is not the time to be charging headlong into something like this.

The Future

I've written a lot tonight. And I know there's so much more I wanna say. But I just don't have the time to sit down and write it. I guess the filtered highlights will have to do us all!

Just watched a program on Channel Five - Terry Gee: My Life With HIV. A video diary of his first year from diagnosis. It moved me. Moved me a lot. I'd seen the trailer for it on Thursday or Friday but wasn't sure whether I really wanted to watch it. I'm glad I did. In fact I wish I'd seen it nearly two years ago. But cynically now I fear I would have thought of it as some kind of propaganda trying to convince me to believe that life with HIV was more than a bed of roses. I've learned so much over the last two years. So much about life, about people, about the world. So much about me. And more than I really want to know about this thing inside me.

I thought the program was well presented and was well balanced. It didn't portray gay men as being limp-wristed faires who get all flustered when theres a houseplant leaf out of place. It was two gay men, a couple, fine strong Yorkshire lads, who it seems like to throw balls up a brown alley way a few more times than your average pissed-up heterosexual! I'm not going to say they looked straight, they just looked like normal guys, and I'll admit to thinking they were cute!

It made me see that I'm not alone in some of the ways I've been feeling. There really is someone playing with the dimmer switch for the light in me. Going slowly, so slowly down. Terry noted that his HIV had changed the way he looked at things. I'd noticed that too. I think it was Michael in one of his more philosophical moments that told me that 'you eventually stop thinking about it all the time. But even though you're not thinking about it, you know its there. It colours everything in your life either directly or indirectly'. This thing inside me is the cause of me being who and how I am now, and in the future. In some ways I think I have to thank it. Whether I'm a better person now or not doesn't really matter. I maybe less of a person in someways but I know I'm so much more in others. But I know certainly as I get older I'm going to become a right cynical old cunt! Sorry Mart, I know you don't like that word.

With Kyle and Mart over the weekend I said something and the pair of them just stopped and stared open mouthed at me. 'Shit. Sorry. Maternal instinct kicked in big-time.' I go. Tears formed in Kyle's eyes. Whatever I said, and it wasn't offensive to them, was only cos I'm so protective of them both. Over-protective at times. I wonder where I'd have been without them over the past few years. I've come to rely on them more and more. Something I would never have considered doing before, placing so much trust in the hands of others.

The program got me thinking though. Time is precious. I know sometimes I do silly things. Mart's already realised that I've changed in some ways because I feel I need to do some things now that I might never get a chance to do. He says that's why he doesn't tell me off about some of my antics. I get to know when I've done wrong though. Usually when we're stoned and having a deep and meaningful. Neither of us can shout or argue in that state but something in his eyes makes me realise that boi's in the dog house.

He mentioned over the weekend that he'd like to get to know my Mum better. And I've always thought that would be a good idea. But just at this moment in time I'm questioning it. I know that at some point in my life someone is going to have to talk strongly to me. Mart is the only person I can take notice of. So it's a toss between Mart and Mum doing it. And if they gang up I'm well up shit creek. He'll piss his sides when I tell him all this. I can imagine them exchanging embarassing stories about me. Its already embarassing enough for him to know that I was first dressed in womens clothes (by my sister I hasten to add) at age five without Mum remembering that there is a picture of this in the photo album. He'll tell me they will gang up on me and that I better get this organised. Then there's the 'sexy dancing'-thing between me and Kyle. Erm, that could take some explaining.

The future isn't bright. The future isn't shitty. It isn't ahead of me. It's what I make now.

Monday, November 07, 2005


I know I'm not the only person who comments on other peoples gaydar profiles. But I've just come across one (name withheld to protect the no-so-innocent) and stated three words:

Cute (main picture, looking into camera, head cocked, innocent look on face)
Cottage Queen (stood with jacket/coat held open, drink in one hand, leaning against sinks in toilet)
SLUT! (on bike, arse pointed right at camera, grinning over shoulder to camera-person - very 'Amsterdam holiday snap')

Message to self: hmm, maybe time to cash in on the gaydar pictures I took for Kyle.

The Start Of Something Beautiful...?

I sort of got chatted up on Gaydar on Friday afternoon. Well, chatted up is a bit strong. I got messaging with a lad who has threesomes with his boyfriend. At first I wasn't gonna bite, nothing to do with the guys themselves, from the profiles I could tell they were good looking lads. Maybe it was 'cos I was going out with Mart and Kyle on Saturday. I don't know. But I got promised a 'well horny threesome'. I thought about it for a few minutes then messaged back: 'Fuck it! I'm up for some of that. Aint had a decent threesome in ages'.

The planning was a bit on the devious side. I was due to meet one of the lads, Adrian, after he finished work and we'd go for a quick drink and a chat then meet up with the other, Liam. I'd already sent a message asking whether the 'other' party (cos I thought I was speaking to Adrian) was up for it, to which the reply was a big 'hell yeah!' But I didn't realise until later that Liam had been making all the arrangements, Ade knew that someone was coming and meeting him, but that was about all he knew! I instantly recognised Ade from his profile and couldn't take my eyes off him from the moment I saw him. He was even sexier and more goodlooking in real life than his pictures showed him to be. It was probably my staring that caused him to ask me whether I was the entertainment for the night (not his words).

A little later we met Liam, who spent some time playing hide and seek - he was trying to avoid someone. Liam too was so much better looking in real life, a cheeky smile and a glint in his eyes. Eventually we got a taxi back to theres and the fun began.

Just to prove what a small world it really is it turns out that Liam is two years older than me, went to a Primary School just round the corner from mine (so technically we should be enemies!), then he lived in a tower block on the estate where I am now for a number of years before moving in with Ade.

They are cool guys, and after spending an hour just talking to them I felt completely at home in their lovely flat. I felt like I'd known them for years, they were just so easy to get along with. They even found it funny when I told them I was wracking my brain for something to say when Liam asked me to tell them 'something they didn't know about' me. You know, I've been with them for less than two hours, so they know cock-all about me and yet I was still searching for something to tell them. I did think of something, but I can't remember what it was now.

Liam explained that he was a voyeur, and really got off on watching other people. That was cool with me, and I could tell by the bulge in Ade's shorts that he also got a kick out of it too. Ade started to massage his bulge, and Liam said that he thought it was time for me to give his dick a little suck. I winked at Ade and agreed, I wanted to have a peep at it. Fuck was I in for a treat! As I drew the front of his shorts down I could see his cock and balls, only half hard it was long and thick. I bent over and took him into my mouth. It grew to its full proportions. O man was that a nice tool. Certainly among the biggest and thickest that I've ever sat on!

I sat back and released his meat. Ade's head was rolled back with his mouth open. Liam's eyes were squinting with ecstacy, slowly stroking his knob through the fly of his boxers. 'That was so fucking horny.' he said. Then it was my turn to experience a little mouth work from them. Ade was first and he chose to use long slow strokes with his mouth. It was very very nice, very different from Liam who went in hard and fast with strong suction. I started thinking about two things, probably not for tonight, but for somepoint in the future: a. having both of them suck me at the same time, and b. having both of them fuck me at the same time. The latter of which, after eating Ade's cock, might need some time and preparation, but I know would feel so good.

My next request was to snog Ade. For most of the night the directions came from Liam, and even though I really wanted him to be more involved in the sex, I knew that what he was doing and what was going on around him was working for him. I began to snog Ade passionately. There was a moan from Liam. This was something that was only going to get better. Again I sat back and smiled at Ade and then over at Liam. Liam's stroking had become more determined and slightly quicker. I giggled a little. Then it was Ade's turn to snog me. Ade is a brilliant kisser, and left me breathless. He called Liam over and Liam kissed me. The whole scene was so hot and so horny I was having a whale of a time.

We all sat back for a while and chatted a bit more before it was time for my little hole to meet Ade's giant cunt-wrecker. By this time we were all naked. Ade was slowly stroking his tool, it was magnificent, 'get this up yer arse' he said. Who was I to refuse? I mounted him face to face, my knees by his hips. It took me a while but I eventually managed to slide down to the base. I was full, stretched to capacity, but loving every millimetre of that cock inside me. We started kissing again and I started to slowly ride him. 'Ah, fucking beautiful' Ade whispered. I smiled. Behind me Liam moaned that it was a beautiful sight. Physically, it seemed that Ade and I had no problems in connecting sexually and it looked good too.

A wicked smile crossed Ade's face. He held me and we repositioned so I was on my back with him between my legs and we fucked for a while like that. Slow, deliberate deep strokes. Here was someone who knew how to fuck, a guy with a big dick that knows how to use it. 'You gotta get some of this.' he called over to Liam. Liam penetrated me, gave me couple of strokes to give me a taste and then pulled out. 'Nah, I can't do it.' Liam is more passive than active, so I know that sometimes your head has to be in the right place to top. This wasn't his moment, but I got enough of a taste to know that I'd enjoy him inside me too.

Liam sat back down. Fucking had softened his hardon a little. But Ade had an idea. 'Get on all fours on the end of the rug.' I looked over and saw I'd end up side on to the seated Liam. I moved, Ade came up behind me and slid himself in. 'O fuck yeah!' whispered Ade, I moaned and tilted my head back. Liam was back to full mast (Ade's plan worked!) 'O that is so fucking beautiful' he cried, enjoying his horny view. I could have let Ade screw me all night, this was the best fuck I'd had in a long time. In fact Ade did spend most of the night fucking me!

We'd got all night and none us were in any kind of hurry. So we'd play for a while, then take a break and then play some more. During one of the breaks Liam put a proposition forward to me. He fancied the idea of videoing Ade fucking me and wondered whether I was up for that. Now I have been asked a few times would I do some amateur porn. I like porn, to watch, but am not sure whether I could watch myself in it, so I've always declined the offer. But this time, maybe because it was for Liam (who is incredibly hot), or maybe because I knew I'd get one hell of a good dicking from Ade, I said yes. I didn't even think about it. There was no pressure, but I just said 'yes'. Liam beamed, and I knew that Ade was more than willing to participate.

There was another thing as well. They were after a regular-ish playmate and wondered also whether that suited me. Again, I agreed. Liam looked pleased. 'I'd really like you being Ade's fuck buddy'. I certainly had no complaints. There was a chemistry there between the three of us that I liked. I really did want this to more than just a one-off. Not just because of the amazing sex but because I thought they were really cool guys. I felt so comfortable with them. Connected. It felt like the start of something that could only get better. And I'd make some good friends along the way.

Later on we moved into the bedroom for more play before sleeping together. I've got no idea what time it was but I know it was early morning. Physically I was getting tired and to me my lack of practice in taking something of those dimensions was showing. I'd reached a point now where my insides couldn't take all of Ade's length. He squirted his juice on the outside of my ring. I was on my back, legs in the air. I put my hand down there and scooped up a little, brought my fingers to my mouth and tasted it. Nice. I know I should have shared, but I didn't!

I think we all spent most of the rest of the night drifting in and out of sleep.

There was an argument when I came to. Ade looked a bit bewildered by it, but I was asked to leave. He didn't know what was going on so I didn't ask any questions and just hoped that I wasn't the cause of it.

Later on on Saturday I sent them a message through Gaydar to tell them how much I'd enjoyed my time with them and hoped that it wouldn't be the only time. As yet the messages haven't been delivered, and neither of them have been logged in. I've got a phone number, and I know it works, but am a little scared to just ring out of the blue considering the atmosphere when I left.

We'll see...


Pretty sure I've not mentioned it recently but since the last crash to earth the docs have recommended me to go back on a course of counselling.

Its peculiar, really. I'd always had reserverations about counselling. And after seeing Freeky Friday, where in one scene Jamie Lee Curtis tells her on screen daughter not to say anything to the patients '... and if you must say something, say "And how does that make you feel?"', had I not been through a pretty sucessful course of counselling it would have confirmed my fears that it doesn't work. But I know that it does, it helped last time, it helped a lot. Though I know that its something I'm unlikely to get away from completely.

Something I'm very aware of is my lack of confidence in myself. This, of course, filters into other areas of my existence meaning specifically that I don't always trust my own judgement ('Am I doing the right thing?') and don't always believe that other peoples actions are performed without an alterior motive. Classic example of this is the DVD player (which both me and the cat adore) that my Manager bought me (us!) for my birthday. There's a lot of history between me and my Manager so deep down I know that the gift was just that. I don't think he realised just how hard living gets for me at times until we had the Back To Work interview. Maybe this was his way of saying 'sorry' (and 'thank you') for some of the shit he gives me at time, but I'm still questioning why that gift horse has such a desirable box in its mouth!

We're trying a different strategy this time around. I've been asked to keep a diary of my feelings. The bizarre situation where I nearly burst into tears in the car after listening to that Jamiroquai track on Thursday morning, and now where I can feel the urge to cry but don't know why. I suppose we're trying to see whether there's a pattern.

I want this. And I want it to work cos I'm tired of feeling like shit when I'm down. So I'm actually feeling a bit guilty that I've not started it yet, made worse because I don't have a session this week due to a work meeting being out of Manchester.

It was possibly a feel-good move, and even if it was it worked on me, but we got talking about the car. I told her I'd done nearly 300 miles in it since getting it back. The fact I've done that much travelling, and for the most part am enjoying driving we believe is proof that I've moved on in some ways from Christmas.

I told Pete on Friday I was back in counselling. We met for lunch to exchange birthday presents and have a natter. He looked disappointed, even though there was no need for him to be. 'But why?' he asked. I told him that I didn't know (and I still don't), but all I did know was that I woke up one morning and decided I really didn't want to be here anymore. That kinda shocked him even more, probably cos he knows that the one thing that stopped me from doing something stupid was my lack of trust in myself.

The main problem I've got with the counselling approach to my depression is the time it takes. It's a slow process and not always possible to see the distance travelled. But it's better than anti-d's which do me no good at all. Interestingly, though, I learned that the Citalopram I was on is pretty good for HIV patients as it has little to no drug interactions. But if I want to be like a zombie I'd much rather just get stoned. At least I know I can sleep that way.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Don't Give Hate A Chance

I'm lovin Jamiroquai's latest - (Don't) Give Hate A Chance. Saw a tiny bit of the video on Saturday/Sunday/Over-the-Weekend, but managed to catch the entire song on the radio in the car on the way to work this morning.

But why does this song make me cry?

Why can't we be (together)?
Could you love me, don't hate me
I don't see (why can't we live together)
Maybe we could get it on (maybe we could get it on)
Should be our destiny
There's a cold streak living (inside us)
There's no rainbows... just bullets and bombs
If you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Now don't you want to rise up

We've been giving hate a chance
(We've got all this love to give, you know)
And the love will be running out for us
Can you feel the dreams of life
We're hoping we can still survive
As the wind carries every dove away

So why do we see (these colours)
It's only skin deep, don't mean a thing
(So clear underneath this we're all brothers)
Can't you see it's killing us
(Can't you see it's killing us)
Can't you see it's killing me
Trigger happy fantasy
So stand up and be (so strong now)
Freedom is not so far away
If you know you want to rise up
We can make this hate stop
Don't you want to rise up


The wind carries every dove away
The wind carries every dove away (every dove away)
Dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove, dove

Now you've been taking our dignity for too long
I want to save this sanctity that we hold
And who's right and who's wrong
We're not so different anyway
Words are in this song
Can't we stop the fighting?


Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry
Don't give this hate a chance
We've got all this love to give, you know
That this dream's alive, will still survive
Until no more people have to cry

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Saturday Night's Alright For Flashing

OMG. You wouldn't believe the state that Kyle and I got into on Saturday night. We ended up in Legends and had such a laugh. We'd enjoyed Barracks as an ENO earlier in the year but this was something different and convinced us that we just have to get Mart down there.

Through most of Saturday I wasn't sure whether the going out was even going to happen. Kyle and I had arranged a few days previous to do a bit of shopping on the Saturday as he wanted to get some clothes to make him look 'stunning'. I spent most of the day trying to ring him but still managed tp get what I wanted, more on that later. He rings me just after 9pm as I'm waiting for a taxi to take me to town, appologises as tells me he'd sunk a bottle of vodka that morning while doing his housework after getting back from work. He'd passed out. Ha ha ha ha! He was sorry and pissed off that we'd not been out during the day. But we made up for that later.

My shopping during the day amounted to a new pair of trakies - black and rather tight and a new piece of jewellery for my nob. The previous week I'd been in a shop in town and managed to get two pieces for the price of one: I'd wanted a 4mm x 17mm ring and also something at 5mm. They'd got the 4 x 17 but no rings at 5mm. So I ended up with a 5mm circular barbell. It's something grow into, I thought. I'm not ready for it yet though.

I've only ever had rings in there so far, so getting the barbell was something to look forward to trying. Yea, I was pissed off that I couldn't get it in. I'll just have to wait. But because I'd got the barbell, and I wanted to know how it felt compared with the ring, I just had to get one at 4mm. I remembered about changing jewellery at Mardi Gras, but still decided to swap.

4 x 17mm circular barbell
4 x 17mm circular barbell in pieces

The gauge of the barbell is the same, but it feels so different. It's got these two huge balls underneath and I love the feel of it. I told Kyle about it when we met up. When arrived at Legends we ended up going into the toilet so I could show him. He was impressed. Then I ended up showing it to about three other people in there (including a girl). One of the lads in the toilet was very cute and very interested in it. He said he'd been thinking about it, he'd got a boyfriend, and seeing mine had kinda convinced him to think more about it. The girl dragged us off into the club to meet her friends. And in the middle of the club I ended up whippin it out for them. You really can't be shy when you've got a lump of metal through the end of your dick.

4 x 17mm circular barbell in place

Later on in the evening we were round a table with a tribe of people, the 'figurehead' of which is some who goes back a very long way with Kyle. Him and his bf had made it clear more than a few times before that they're more than a little interested in me. I think Kyle told them about the metal work to put them off. Maybe it was the brazen way I did it (they were say down, I perched on the edge of the table, flopped it out, and I've got a feeling I was shaking it in someone's face) but it made them more interested.

We got invited back to chill out with them later on, which we did. Nothing happened with our hosts, but I've been given an open invitation to call back again, and I've promised that I will keep in touch with them. They're nice guys, always good for a laugh and a good time. I think the last time I was round there was when we were hunting for weed the night that I told Kyle and Mart my test results. I've seen them both around since then, but not to spend any decent time with. Think that could well change...