Tuesday, March 28, 2006

New Scores

New blood results today. I got mixed feelings about them, and even the doctor seemed a bit uncertain.

CD4: 306
VL: 14700

True, the viral load is my best score to date, but 306 makes it my second worse CD4 result ever. Suppose I'm grateful that it's still over the 300 mark. Just.

Doctor asked me how I was feeling. Generally, I'm constantly tired and cant seem to get motivated. Living with the depression is a bit like a roller-coaster for the time being. I'll have a few days where I seem to be ok, then bang out of the blue everything turns to shite. Didn't go into work yesterday simply because I couldn't bring myself to. Tried to do a little bit of household shopping in the afternoon, went to ASDA, and not long after being there I just wanted to get out. All I wanted to do was burst into tears. I was uncontrollable in the car. Took me five minutes before I was able to start the engine and I kept filling up on the 10 minute journey back home. Then again, when I arrived home it took ages for me to stop crying enough to get out of the car. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I feel so helpless.

The tiredness, the hospitalisation, my general malaise seem to indicate a strong probability of being on meds by the end of the year, according to the doctor. But, of course, we've been on this trip before. He asked me how I felt about that. I told him, honestly. It scares the shit outta me. My exact words. Always has done. Then he mentioned Efavirenz, which because it's single dosage would probably work out best for me. But I've heard stories about that one, think we all have.

Well the chart data is uploaded and I've also uploaded a master chart showing CD4 and VL stacked against each other. Thought about doing this last time but didn't upload it. Don't know if it means anything but its there anyway.

On a more positive note, we've managed to bring my weight up to about half-a-kilo shy of what it should have been before I went into hospital in December. But at the moment that doesn't seem to please me as much as it does everyone else.