Monday, September 04, 2006

Pride An All That...

You know, I wanted to write about Pride shortly after it was all over. Hate it when reality gets back in, and in the way.

I'm told the the original Manc translation of 'Mardi Gras' is actually something to do with it pissing down all bank holiday weekend. Yea, we had the rain this year. On the Sunday afternoon I saw Canal Street empty completely within the space of 5 seconds. Amazing! Though all in all the rain didn't stop play and the parade (which I missed again) had some pretty good weather. I know that cos our taxi got stuck getting into town with all the diverted traffic.

Saturday has got to be the best day of the lot for me though. Spent the day dressed up as a slave, led round on a lead, collared up too. I had such a scream with it. The expressions on peoples faces when they realised what I was wearing. I'm trying to get hold of pictures but they are so slow in getting to me... If I was still in slavery my Master's would have been proud of the way I looked (and the attention I drew).

Sunday was a quiet one. It was late when we got out, though we did spot 'Cat For Rent' in Mutz Nutz - that struck me as bizarre. We quite like Mutz Nutz even though we ended up in this booth thingy that made us feel like we were in some hiddeous camp-queeny TV game show. Maybe this is what inspired our re-write of an old nursey rhyme:

Baa Baa Black Sheep,
have you any wool?
I'm a fucking crack-head you prick!

Monday was the vigil. I'm learning that no matter how much fun I have over the previous few days it's always on Monday when my feelings start to get to me. I stayed the entire weekend at Jeffs, popping back to check on the cat. But on Monday we decided cos I had to be in work on the Tuesday that I'd get all my stuff home, get ready to come out from home, then go back home afterwards.

I lay in the bath water and thought to myself 'I really don't know if I want to go through this'. First set of tears of the day. Then I remembered that I'd got speed ready to see me through Tuesday! I get very emotional on the comedown from speed, being this emotional already might not have been a good starting point. We lost someone a few months back. Wierd thing is that it brought me an Jeff together. But that loss was preying on my mind all day.

Even now I'm having difficulty writing this. When we all got together that evening I know I started to get agitated. We had a drink (or two) before heading to the park. Jeff was the first to spot that I was not myself and asked if there was anything he could do. I just explained that this was how I got, and just be there. Then my phone went, Liam, 'You at the candle thingy tonight? I've never done it. I want to.' I know I felt tears well up in me, I told him that we were and he was welcome to join us. I'd wanted Liam, Adrian and all of my family there tonight if I could've had my way. Then we made our way to the park...

... serious flap-mode all the way there. Jeff just held me tight to him, Mart and Chris kept close by. We found a place and we waited. I guided Liam to us by phone. It was so good to see him, we hugged and kissed. I'd missed him so much. Then it started.

Don't know how many times I started crying. Think I gave up counting. The rain hid the tears anyway. So maybe it was my red eyes that gave it away. In the thickest downpour I turned to look at Jeff and saw such pain and desperation, and knew that was what I was feeling. It came as no shock to me that Liam was all happy an bouncy when we first met up. He an Mart were flirting terribly. It was the first time believe it or not that they'd actually met, but they both knew so much about each other. Then something strange happened. Can probably put it down to the whole atmosphere. Liam started crying. Not just crying but huge floods of tears. Think I'd tried to hide most of mine from him but at that point i burst out too. We hugged, and cried into each others shoulders. I'd say we both realised how close we still were. Liam hadn't lost anyone like me an Jeff had. The gravity hit and hard.

I'm having trouble writing this. So i'm gonna stop there.

Ended the nite in Thompsons. Trashed. Very trashed. Dancing around in me knickers! Liam's face was stunned when he saw me like that. I don't think he would have expected to see that based on previous behaviour though I'm sure he knew it was there.

Jeff and I got home. I recall sitting on the couch with him for a while talking. It was late. I was shattered. We went to bed.