Friday, December 31, 2004
Happy New Year('s Eve)
Happy New Year to all of you
Let's make this year even better than the last.
So I got a busy day today. 'Doing lunch' with mum in a while, fuck knows where we're going but we should have a laugh anyway. Then over to Marts for the
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I Feel Rough!
Chris commented on how much time Mart spent snogging me - I lost count after the first hour. And then he was completely blown away by Kyle doing a full on snog with Kath. Seems he expects me to shock him so that's why I can't, but Kyle and Kath can. Kyle also made me cry by saying he wanted a baby. Tears only out of happiness. Chris was there to console me, he claims he's straight, but we all have other ideas. I did a little flirting with him, he's game for a laugh if nothing else. They're all expecting me to pull out the big guns and sort him out. We'll see about that over New Year. That party game might be 'Who's Hidden Chris's Virginity'! Went back home with Mart but all we did was sleep. Would've been nice to have had a birthday shag, but I wasn't overly fussed - Mart passed out. We all had a good time, anyway. The major league hangover proves that one! I'm so glad I wasn't working today.
Mart had to go off and do a few things with Kyle and as we were waiting a mutual shag of theirs came in. Ant's alright, actually. Kyle had him first, then Mart went there one night after an argument with one of his boyfriends - a grudge fuck? He's nothing special lookswise, tall, well-built. Well we leave the house, Mart was going to do his thing with Kyle and I was going to pop home put some stuff in a bag and go back over. Ant walked me to the bus stop and then invited me back to his for a brew and a smoke. I took him up on the offer. I knew what his plan was as soon as he made the invite. He'd already tried chatting me up one night when I was waiting for Micheal to arrive, right in front of Kyle!
So we gets back to his and he gives me the tour of the house, sits me in front of the TV and then makes the brews. After two joints and some talk we're kissing. I'm aware of a nice healthy bulge in his jeans. He spots the bulge in mine. I tell him about my piercing. 'That's OK, I'll be gentle' he says with a glint in his eye and then proceeds to undo the button fly of my jeans. I've got a raging hardon peeping over the elastic of my jockstrap (yes, the lucky coping knickers!) and it's a bit painful so I have to re-arrange my foreskin. Also the ball on the ring was in the wrong place and pressing into the head. I move the ring round and he winces. It didn't hurt at all. He takes a hold of my cock and gives it a couple of slow but firm strokes. I moan in pleasure.
It's a bit uncomfortable so I take my jeans off. He really likes the fact that I've a slim smooth body and I can feel his eyes exploring every square milimetre of my exposed flesh, dwelling more on my crotch. He makes some comment about how nice and slim my body is. 'Everything about my body is small. Apart from that!' I say, refering to my dick. A broad smile crosses his lips.
He rolls another joint and puts a quilt on the floor. We smoke some of it and then get back to kissing. I feel for his cock through his jeans and he sees this as the hint to remove them. He's got some red football shorts on underneath. There was something really horny about the rod underneath begining to tent out the thin fabric. I actually didn't want him to take them off, but he did anyway. The monster was unleashed. I went down on it while he toked on the spliff. It's a nice cock to suck and I knew I was doing a good job. I came up for air and took my jock off. He took his top off. Then I sat square on to him and slowly pealed my own t-shirt off. The look on his face was that he thought he'd died and gone to heaven. He liked what he saw.
It was a long drawn out session. With breaks for more spliff, drink and poppers. I sat at the side of him on the floor. He started to finger me to open me up. Nice and slowly, just the way I like it. 'We're in no hurry' he said. My only way to answer was to moan. He found my g-spot and proceeded to massage it. I'm sure I ended up with only three fingers in there, but at one point I thought it felt like his entire hand, but it was so good. Lying back with my legs open and his hand underneath my crotch finger-fucking my hole. He goes to go down on me but as he puts my cock in his mouth he catches the ring. We decide to give that one a miss for the time being. That disappointed my as I knew it was going to be a good blow job, and I really fancied it.
Then he asks me how I like to get fucked. So I tell him I like it doggy-style. So we gets into position and he starts by finger fucking me. We both take a couple of hits from the poppers. As that takes effect he uses his tongue on my arse hole. I start grinding backwards into his face. The tongue is replaced by fingers again, and then by dick. I get that nice full up feeling. He's long and thick. He checks to see that I'm ok and then starts slowly moving in and out of me. Grinding it in when it's all the way in and moving it from side to side as if he's trying to make more space for it. He grasps my waist and we start a nice firm rhythm. We fuck like this for a while and then he pulls out. More spliff. I knew at this point that this was sex that could go one for ever.
We started kissing again and then he started nibbling at my neck. I was praying he wasn't going to give me a love bite. I like the kissing, nibbling and chewing on my neck, but hate the nasty marks it can leave. Doesn't help that my neck bruises really easily. His fingers found and penetrated my hole again. Then we started fucking again. This time I was on my back with him hold my legs up. We kissed deeply while he pounded away on my arse. More poppers and then back to the banging. I was loving this, especially the way he would grind into me as if trying to get more of himself inside me.
Then I was on all-fours again and he gets me to lower myself down so I'm lying down. I carefully push my cock downwards so that it's not squashed underneath me. He continues his assault on me and instinctively I raise my arse into the air slightly to make his fucking easier. I forget, however, than in doing that it allows my cock to move underneath me so it's going to get squashed and uncomfortable. He takes my arms and pushes them out in front of me. It was like I was flying. I so want to do sex on drugs with this guy. He pulls out of me again. More smoke. and he goes to the bathroom to clean up.
After the next intermission I'm stroking his cock and getting it nice and hard and he takes mine again. Then he goes down on me. He was gentle and careful, but it was a fantastic blow job. I can't concentrate on using the PA for sex at the moment, but with the sensations I got from it I know I'm gonna love it. I was all set for cumming but I didn't want to cum just yet and told him so. He released me from his mouth and we kissed again.
We got talking and he said he'd really like to wake up with me some morning. He likes to cuddle in bed and demonstrated his cuddling on me. I felt safe, relaxed, hyper-horny and started to grind back into him. He kissed the back of my neck. Someone doing that the right way can get me to do practically anything. Yes, he will wake up with me one morning.
He told me that he sprays huge loads and so I told him that I liked that and wanted it all over me. I got my wish. He started talking dirty as we both massaged our own tools. The talk was turning both of us on and soon enough he announced that he was going to cum. I told him to spay his juice all over me. He did. It went everywhere. The feeling of his warm cum splashing all over me sent me off. I began to pound my cock harder (bad I idea at the moment!) and he started a combination of juggling my balls and fingering me at the same time. I exploded all over myself. Ant giggled. He'd managed to completely cover me in spunk and not get a drop on himself! I went upstairs to clean up.
Now I'm learning one thing about owning a PA. Sex is good with it (and that's an understatement if ever there was one) but it's so messy cleaning up afterwards. How can I put this without it sounding disgusting. Erm, I can't, so here goes. You know how you get the gloopy bits in fresh spunk well they kind of cling to the ring especially around the pee hole area. I've also noticed that the ring is getting me to produce pre-cum. Not a problem, but it seeps out of the piercing hole on the underside. And yes, cum can get out of there as well. Well it can at the moment.
I come back down and get dressed. He takes my phone number, and promises to ring me. I've also been told to watch what happens if we're out and he's feeling horny. Yes, I could be the prize shag of the night! Apparently he's been wanting to shag me for quite a long time. Today was the first, but certainly not the last.
Direct as ever I get a text of Mart as I'm on the bus back home:
how's it goin?
Let him know that I'm back home and about to set back off to his. I'm trying to avoid saying what's happened, until...
go on then did he fuck u
I had a coffee with cream, we chewed the fat for a while. Smoked a few things not and again. Then he fucked me into the Cemetary next door.
Mart called me a slag.
I've been back a few hours now but I'm still working in a different time zone. It's a combination of fatigue, the weed and the really horny sex.
I'm not going back over to Mart's. Gonna eat and then probably get an early night. Pizza. It was what we were going to have at Marts anyway. Just been to the loo and wished I hadn't. However it didn't sting as much as I thought it was going to. I'm just being impatient and I know I need to stop. Supposed to be about another fortnight before I start abusing myself like that!
I did pop out to see if I could spot Mart and bumped into...
He's looking well. We hugged and kissed and chatted for a while. And he's promised to call over and see me. I hope he does.
Friday, December 24, 2004
All I Want For Christmas Is You
Why is this bizzare? Well try this. And I'm listening to it now. Had a couple of sniffles but fortunately no full on waterworks.
Agenda for today:
- Wrap presents
- Pack everything for weekend (going over to Micheals)
- Tidy house (Mum's looking after it while I'm away)
- Drop key with Mum
- Get arse over to station
So this is going to be my last post until at least Tuesday. So here's wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Hope everyone gets what they desire most.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
If Only I Had More Time...
Inappropriate Boner Time!
I took the chance while playing with the phone to sit with my tackle completely uncovered to let it get some air. Then realised I needed to go out to get some sugar. The local shop had closed so it was a walk to the garage. No problem, on with my trackies and coat and off I went. I decided not to put any underwear on. He he hee! Because I'm uncircumcised my bellend is very sensitive, and I'd left my foreskin retracted. It started rubbing against the fabric of my trackies. After I'd gotten over the initial uncomfortable feeling, it began to feel alright. A bit further along the road I started to feel my cock swelling, and tenting out in front of me. I walked a little further, then decided that in the interests of decency I'd better find a place to stand still for a while to let it all go back down again.
The same thing happened on the way back, only I just kept walking this time. At one point I was enjoying the walk, and the sensations so much that I really thought I was going to make a mess. It's been a long time since I've struck a bone just from walking. It was nice, I'll be doing it again!
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Away From Home
As an example of the way things are at the moment: I went to bed on Sunday night at midnight. Woke up Monday at 7am. It was actually 4pm (in the afternoon) before I could start functioning like a human being. Bear in mind I had a wireless network to setup in the morning and we started the training session shortly before 2pm. Think I properly came too about 5pm. By 9pm I was flagging. 11pm I started reading and was asleep by midnight.
Then this morning I was properly awake at 7am (ok, a little sluggish, but nothing compared with Monday). At 4pm I had to force myself to do something (anything) to stop me from going comatose. It’s now 11.25pm and I’m ready to go to sleep.
I know it’s cold and this puppy don’t function well in the cold. It’s damp as well. Perfect weather for getting over a cold! I say it's cold, well, try freezing – not felt properly warm since I got out of bed on Monday morning. I’m so looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night. There’s no bed more comfortable – and I have slept in quite a few beds.
The highlight of being away this time was the Christmas dinner we had tonight. Started out with mulled wine (two glasses). Then a glass of red with the meal. Half a melon (yes, a whole half melon to myself) with grapes in the scooped out middle for starter. I could have had soup, and it would probably have warmed me up, but no one could christen what it was. Some said it looked like celery but I didn’t fancy my chances. Main course was turkey with stuffing, new and roast potatoes, carrots, brocolli and gravy. Yum. I really enjoyed it. Then people started pulling the Christmas Crackers.
Why do adults get so competitive when pulling crackers? I don’t understand that one. ‘It’s not fair, he’s won again!’ said someone sat opposite me. ‘Not fuckin’ having this. Not got anything yet!’ was another. Then came the small toys in the cracker. Ok, they were small and cheap but we had a laugh with them. Someone ended up with a collection of small plastic mice (culled from a number of cracker pulls). ‘Yeah, but you can’t beat my Bishop!’ someone said – referring to the small chess piece that came out of his cracker. ‘Erm, be careful who you say that to!’ I commented, getting the double entendre just before he realized what he’d said. He was straight, very very cute, and most certainly do-able. I definately would have beat his bishop given half the chance. The next half hour or so had the infrequent wise cracks about bashing bishops. We weren’t that drunk, but we’d found the level of humor that worked for the majority of us.
The tables got cleared and a plate was used to collect some of the cracker toys. ‘And here’s a ring for your Bishop,’ was the comment to announce a small plastic finger ring being placed on the plate. I was about to pass a comment about my PA but didn’t think it appropriate considering dessert was still to come. ‘We’ve only got one pink Bishop,’ said it’s original recipient with a wry smile. The best was yet to come however. ‘Hey, Jacqui. We got one cracker left here, wanna pull it?’ Jacqui was the one who had got nothing out of five crackers. She won this one, but wait. She inspected the toy closely. Then placed it forcefully down on the plate next to the pink Bishop. Looking the Bishop’s owner square in the face she said ‘I’ve got one Knight to bash your Bishop!’ Well, that was it. Everyone was in uproar. No one could look at the plate with it’s plastic mice and ‘rocking sheep’ (yes, it was a sheep on a rounded base) amongst other things without giggling heavily. So everyone enjoyed Christmas dinner. Oh, and the training course has gone pretty well as well!
As for the PA, well it’s been a bit of a bitch these past few days. It’s stung nearly every time I’ve been to the loo. That could be because I’ve had to wait to go, I don’t know. Could even be due to the wank I had with it the other evening. I realise that there is a reason why you are advised to abstain! Think it’s also getting to the point where I need to just let it dangle with my foreskin back. If the foreskin is forward it puts pressure on the ring and presses it against the top of my pee hole, so maybe the pain is due to irritation. I'd never noticed before how much your bellend swells and moves around naturally during the course of the day. I’m also finding that I can feel the occasional ‘pinch’ with the skin forward and think this it to do with the small indents where the ring meets both sides of the ball. I stood up at one point, felt something, and thought that I'd started to bleed. I hadn't fortunately. Nevertheless, I’m not inclined to lose the thing. I still like it. Tomorrow I’m going to try it without all the padding in my underwear. Got to be honest about this one, I’m still wrapping it in the latex glove and having that against my skin is causing me to sweat. Not much, but enough to be an irritation. They’re just teething troubles.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Got washing and packing to do as I'm away with work for the first part of this week. Oh the joys of being back at work! Also today I'm over at Mums for lunch. Not sure what time that's going to be. I also got to do some shopping for the house as Pete is staying over to look after the cat. He'll only moan if I don't and I'll only tell him to fuck right off. That would be a pity as things have been going pretty well on that score lately: he's sort of got a new boyfriend and so is not pestering me as much. Then I'm over at Micheals for the Christmas weekend. Micheal doesn't know about the PA yet. I've told him I've got a surprise, that it's pink, it's not fluffy, but it is round. Get the feeling that he thinks it's a prezzie for him (guess it is in a kinda fashion), especially as I told him about the Glans Ring thing I'd been thinking about. He hee, this one has to come back with me!
To be honest, I wasn't planning on doing Christmas at all. I've not sent any cards, and don't really intend to. I'll probably get a card for Micheal and LittleOne but that's about all. I haven't done any shopping for presents. I wasn't going to (not like me at all), but I've relented a little. In less than a week it will all be over. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me. Kyle and Mart are working, and Kath is seeing family. Even though my Mum has asked me to come over I want to spend it with Micheal. Think I need him more than I realise at the moment. I'm looking forward to New Year, though: Mart's birthday; seeing in the New Year with my babies; and having Micheal there.
I could do with another week between now and tomorrow. Anyone know where I can get one of those from?
Saturday, December 18, 2004
More About Blood Counts
Naughty Naughty. You'll Have It Dropping Off
I'd been doing really well with it all, and then because I was stoned I decided to wait to go to the loo. You know how you get when you just can't be arsed moving unless you have to? It was one of those moments. I won't be doing that again! Note to self: pee when you need to pee! It burned, again it was an unusual sensation but just a little too far up the scale from pleasure for me. Know it's something that I'll either get used to or will go away. The next pee was much better.
Then bed time came and I was feeling horny. I'd unwrapped it all to give it some air before I went to sleep and was just lay on my back smoking. Completely naked. Unconsciously my hand moved to my dick and started squeezing it. It felt nice, so I stroked it a few times. Bad move. Not because of pain, just because of what my mind got me doing next. I got it fully hard and looked at it. I liked what I saw and began to slowly wank myself. There was a mirror in the room so I placed that in front of me so I could watch the ring from both sides as I rubbed. The feeling was wonderful.
Think I must have spent half-an-hour stroking, pausing to look, and then stroking some more. Eventually the inevitable happened and I came. The orgasm was wonderful. I'd already heard that it makes it more intense. Understatement, definately. But then in the afterglow, the salt in the cum started to get into the wound. Ouch! There was a mixture of pain and pleasure and I couldn't work out which was which or which was the one I wanted to feel. Strange. Very strange. I mopped up and wrapped it back up and put my underwear back on. Then there was more burning and I started to mentally tell myself off for what I'd just done. I knew I should have gone for a salt bath with it, but couldn't be bothered moving. I slept well, anyway, until me wanting to empty my bladder sometime this morning caused a reflex erection. That's something to do with the ring not being as mobile as it eventually will be, even though it does move much more easily than my nipple ring did!
Anyway, the first pictures:
Now you see me...
... Now you don't.
See me again...
... only just quick enough!
Friday, December 17, 2004
I already knew that when I got to Marts my first job was to pop over to ASDA to get some bits specifically for my willy - kitchen towel for wadding, sea salt for bathing it and bin bags to put the bio-waste in - as well as vodka and coke for the evening. Mart was still en route home when I arrived so I decided to go over to ASDA on my own. As I went round the corner I spotted a car and the passenger in it. It was dark and raining but I was sure it was Kyle. He recognised me and waved. I went over. Kyle was with his new fella. I wasn't aware they were coming round tonight.
We chatted for a while and then Kyle asked where I was going. So I told him ASDA for the vodka. They offered to give me a lift. In retrospect that was a pretty good idea as I walked out looking a bit like a bag lady. But I'd got everything I needed. Yay me!! We were just about to set off back to Marts when Kyle gets a phone call. It's Mart and he's in ASDA as well. So we wait.
We all pile in at Marts. There's me, Mart, Kyle, Neil (Kyle's fella) and Chris who is the supposed 'straight one' from work. I wasn't aware that everyone knew about my piercing, so that became the root of a number of comments. Drinks were poured, Neil rolled a joint and I lifted myself up onto the counter in the kitchen. Kyle goes: 'go on then, get it out!' So I inform him that it will need cleaning before I show it, that I'd clean it when I went to the loo and he could see it then.
None of them believe me when I say it didn't hurt. I asked Chris if he knew what toothache was like, and then told him that it was nothing even approaching that. Chris was very interested, but more on that later. Neil said he was surprised I could walk. Then I told him about leaning against the checkout while packing, and realising then that that was a bit of a bad idea! He giggled. I like Neil, he's a really sweet guy, very open, very honest, as mad as the rest of us so it's clear that he's going to fit well in.
I announced to everyone that I was going to the loo. I did. This time there was no pain at all from peeing. I was really surprised. It was bloody, as I knew it would be. And I've given up on trying to keep the foreskin back as it always rolls forward and I can feel it when it moves. Plus, having the foreskin forward is kinda keeping the ring in it's correct orientation and protecting it.
Mart told me to call for assistance if I needed it. I told him I would. Purposely I hadn't locked the bathroom door. This was just so that if I did need help I wouldn't have to hobble to the door to open it. I was nearly finished wrapping it all up again when Kyle came in wanting to look. So I told him that I wasn't unwrapping it again just yet. But that I would need to go again in a while and then I'd show it off. That went down well.
About an hour later I needed to go again. It was also a chance for me to get changed. I put some of my sea salt in a cup, boiled water from the kettle (yes, I'd allowed it to cool), picked up my cotton buds, kitchen towel, bin bag and my bag and asked if anyone had a newspaper as well. Confused looks at first and then the penny dropped. I was meaning that this could take some time.
So in I go, again I leave the door unlocked. Strip off and change my t-shirt. Trackies and underwear come off, I unwrap my cock and sit down. This time I'm a little alarmed by the amount of blood on the wadding and wonder whether this was such a good idea after all. I retract my foreskin, pee, and then tap it to get as much wee off as I can. Two huge drops of blood land on either side of the bowl. It's bleeding, and bleeding now. Deep breaths and don't panic! I dip it in my cup of salt water and it turns an orangy red colour. No stinging, in fact it's quite pleasant. I take it out and start to mop up the dried blood and clean away some of the fresh blood. I also get more of a chance to take a look at it. Yes. I am going to like this when it's healed.
I finish what I need to do and wander over to the bathroom door. Hiding behind it I open it a little and call out 'if anyone wants a look, now's your chance before I wrap it up. All of a sudden they all gleefully pile into the bathroom to look at my willy. It's a good job I'm not shy! Mart peers at it and goes 'oh my god!'. I hear Kyle telling Neil that I've 'not got a bad bod and his cock's pretty good as well!'. Neil is pretty impressed. Chris is sort of hiding at the back, trying not to look too interested, but busily peering between heads to get a good gander. Then at that point the front door opens. It's Kath just back from work. Someone is shouting 'put it away, put it away, Kath's back' bearing in mind that she's got a pretty good view of my waving my tackle around from just inside the front door. She comes over and takes a look. Completely unphased by it. With Kath there, Chris is more eager to come forward for a closer look. They all clear off, I wrap up and put my shorts on. It's more comfortable with less material but fitting tighter and I return to the kitchen and re-take my place on the counter.
Apparently Neil is looking very closely at me as I lift myself up. Mart clocks him and gives him a knowing glance. They tell me later that Neil is 'well into' me, and that he keeps flirting with me. To be honest, I can't see it. If he is, well, he's a nice enough guy but at the moment he's Kyle's and I really don't want to cause a situation with Kyle. Knowing me, I'll flirt back, be my usual self, and we'll all have a giggle. As for bumping nasty's that obviously ain't on the agenda at the moment.
Neil and Kyle left and the rest of us went into Marts room to watch some DVDs. Mart climbed into bed. I took my t-shirt off and climbed in as well but it felt wierd climbing into that bed still in my shorts knowing that they had to stay on. Kath went to bed. I eventually passed out, and Mart and Chris carried on watching the DVDs.
I woke up sometime during the night needing a pee. I also had an erection and that was painful. Bleary-eyed I went to get my bits and stumbled into the bathroom. Unwrapped, peed, nearly fainted with the amount of blood, cleaned up, wrapped up and went back to bed.
Mart came back into town with me this afternoon. In passing conversation, as we were talking about going out tonight, he asked me what happened when I got a hard on, could I get a hard on. I just looked at him, straight faced, and said: 'it hurts!'
He's just been on the phone to me. We're not going out tonight after all. I'm welcome to go back round as he's going to cook. The only problem is that boyf is going to be there. But is that a problem? I had been saying over the past few days that I wasn't ruling out the possibility that boyf and I could be friends again. Maybe tonight is the night that we bury our differences over the shit that happened, an additional fact has come to light that maybe someone (aka Pete) had been doing some shit stirring. I'm in a good mood and I hate the idea of being bitter with people. Mart wants me to come over and he knows I don't need that much persuading. This could turn into another interesting night.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
My First Pee
There was blood. Probably not that much really. You know how blood soaks in to fabric and makes things look worse than they really are. It is likely to bleed a little over the next day or so, so I'm not concerned.
As for peeing, well, it only stung when I tensed before I began to pee! Once I relaxed and just peed it was fine. Nothing like the pissing razor blades that you get with a lot of STIs. And peeing is good as it helps to disinfect it and clean it up. So I'm not panicing about the few drops of red pee, just need to remember to mop up as much as I can afterwards. Going to soak it a bit before I go to meet Mart and have to remember to clean it up before I put it 'on display' later.
The ring is big but gets accommodated ok underneath my foreskin, and moving my foreskin is not a problem. There doesn't appear to be much swelling if any. I want to try and keep the skin retracted as much as I can so it places less stress on the wound but it's a balance, keeping the skin back can promote paraphimosis (excessive swelling of the bellend). When Carl bound it the skin was retracted, when I unwrapped it it had moved forward. It's tempting to play but I know I can't. I didn't touch the ring as I know it's not wise to try and rotate the ring for a few days.
It's early days with it (not even six hours old yet) but I'm pleased with it. Call it a Christmas prezzie for myself. I think it looks ok and I know Mart will give a very honest opinion, but I'm sure it wont stop him from chowing when I allow him to! Don't know whether Kath will want to look at it. She has seen me naked before, briefly, when I forgot to lock the door going to the loo. But Mart has a 'straight' mate from work coming round tonight. The mate has met before, knows what I can be like but I don't think he knows about what I've done today. He he he. This could be fun!
Oh My God!!!
I am, of course, refering to the metal ring that is currently through the end of my penis. It's bandaged up and wrapped in a latex glove. Even I haven't seen the complete work. So tonight, when I unveil it to Mart it will probably be the first time I see it. I wanna look, but I don't wanna look! How strange is that.
All I saw was just before the ball went into the ring and my first thought was that the ring was much bigger than I expected. Probably about the same guage as my nipple ring but with a diameter at least twice as large. After all, what do I know? I trust Carl's judgement, he hasn't failed me yet. My tongue is fine, much better with the shorter bar, and my nipple is fine. I would have said I was in his capable hands, but he probably knew that already.
I'm excited by it (or at least the thought of it), but at the same time thinking what the fuck have I done! I know I'm looking at weeks before it heals properly (3 -5 weeks the chart said). Got a feeling I'm gonna be like a kid with a new toy. And I haven't been for a pee yet - I believe that's an experience of the 'ouch' kind the first couple of times.
There's no pain, just a nice tingling every so often like when someone is licking the underside of your cock head. We all know how good that feels.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
I Didn't Wimp Out, Honest!
So some people put tinsel round their tackle for Christmas. I just have to go that extra metre don't I! I nearly did wimp, but that was due to a fuck up at the bank pissing me off, not the thought of having some cutie handling my bits.
I know you'll all want to see it, and you know I'm going to share it. But like Mart said, if it's gory it's staying hidden until I can face it myself! Yes, Mart has already expressed a strong interest in 'looking' at it.
What Do The Numbers Mean?
CD4 and Viral Load are the main indicators that are used to determine how well an HIV+ person is and how capable their body is to be able to cope with infections. It's worth noting that the test they use to determine whether you are HIV+ or not does not tell you any more than that! I'm no biologist, but this they way that I understand it. When your body is exposed to an contracts a viral infection your immune system tries to fight it. In the process of the 'fight' antibodies to the infection are created. The idea being that should you be exposed to the same infection again your immune system is ready and knows how to deal with it. That's why you only get things like Chicken Pox or the Mumps once. After the infection is cleared up only the antibodies remain. In the case of HIV it is an antibody labelled P24 Antigen and the HIV tests only look for this antibody.
It can take anywhere from around four weeks to three months for the body to create enough antibodies to HIV to be detected by these tests. That's why someone who tests negative is still asked to re-test three months later. Sometimes the test is re-run just to confirm the same findings on a different blood sample. During this 'window period' if there is HIV in your system you are still able to transmit it. Worrying thought.
CD4 is the name given to certain white blood cells. These are the ones that are sent to battle with infections. CD4's are your immune systems first line of defence. They are also the ones that HIV attacks and destroys. An average healthy adult male should have a CD4 count between 5/600 and 1000. The figures are slightly different for females. The higher this number, the better able the body is to fight infections. HIV changes the role of these CD4 cells from being infection fighters to 'factories' producing more HIV within the body. Here is one of considering CD4 counts: imagine two identical computers, same hard-drive, same RAM, but one has a 400MHz processor and the other has an 800Mhz processor. Which will complete a hard-disk defragmentation first? Both machines will eventually complete the defragmentation but the slower machine will take longer.
HIV+ people are said to be 'immuno-suppressed'. Yes, we have a functioning immune system, but it doesn't work as well as it should. We'll recover from most illnesses, but the time taken to do this will be longer and we stand a greater chance of picking up other infections along the way as our immune system is already busy dealing with something - you ever tried opening MS Word on a 400MHz computer whilst it's running a defrag?
Current UK thinking is to monitor CD4 levels, usually on a three-month basis. When the count drops below 200 the subject should be on medication and the trigger point for making decisions about appropriate drugs is 250. The figures are based on how many CD4 cells are available in a cubic milimetre of blood.
Viral Load indicates how many copies of the HIV virus can be found in a sample of blood. The scale here is the reverse of the CD4 count: a lower viral load load is good, a high viral load is bad. Different Viral Load tests however, produce different results so where as you can compare CD4 counts, it is not always possible to compare Viral Load counts! When the VL gets into the millions of copies range, it's not good! Some people have an 'undetectable' Viral Load. This is not to say that they don't have HIV in their system, just that there is not enough within the sample to register on the test.
There is no direct corellation between CD4 and Viral Load scores, so this analogy is a bit erroneous but it was in a pack of information from George House Trust: HIV is like driving a car towards a brickwall (erm, ok, which drama queen thought this one up!). Viral Load is the equivalent of how fast you are driving. CD4 count is how much road there is left!
I've noticed a couple of times on my lab sheets a figure expressed as a percentage. It was explained to me that that is the percentage of CD4 cells to other cells within the sample. It is possible for both CD4 counts and/or Viral Load counts to be quite erratic and I was told that in those cases the CD4 Percentage is a better indicator.
The following are useful links:
How AIDS Works - I know, there's a difference between AIDS and HIV, but these folks are keeping it simple!
Blood Tests - AIDSMeds.com
Think that covers everything. If I've got something wildly wrong I'm happy to be corrected as I know I've simplified things, and I hate it when the phone goes when I'm doing this!
Monday, December 13, 2004
Mart rang and asked how I got on. Told him the results weren't as bad as I thought they'd be. 'See, you're just being a stress-head again!' he told me. Right, on with the rest of the day...
Sunday, December 12, 2004
A Day With The Kids
Mum arrived with the paint - and she's got me a roller and a brush. Part of me is tempted to start on it now. But another part of me says to do it in daylight!
Spent the day with my sisters two youngest kids and Mum and Dad doing 'craft' things with them. It was fun. Then back to Mums for something to eat. Been ages since I had salmon steak and I fucking loved it! I got the impression that this is to become a regular affair. Ok, but this one does need the occasional trip to my favourite 'fast food' joint for Sunday lunch, then of course there will be the times with my fella, and some time with my kids!
Saturday, December 11, 2004
I let her in and she's got my sister's youngest with her. The come in and sit down. The house is a complete tip so I appologise for that and that I've only just woken up. Mum knows I'm not feeling too good at the moment but thinks it's only due to this cold thing that's going round at the moment. She'd been trying to ring me all yesterday to see how I was and got a bit worried that she couldn't get through to me. I was just feeling anti-social and didn't feel much like answering the phone. Took ages for Micheal to get to speak to me last night.
Then she spots my Citalopram tablets on the table and asks what they're for. I tell her they're for depression. She asks how long I've been like this, and is a little annoyed when I tell her a month and wants to know why I didn't ring to let her know. I admit it was something I was intending to do but just never got on to it.
She's pleased when I tell her that I'm not taking the tablets anymore. Basically they're giving me severe headaches, that bad I want to take a sledgehammer to my face to let the pain out. It's not a nice feeling. I tell her some of the things that contribute to the depression. Work and being run down. I'd never got round to telling her that I'd split with Pete, so she knows that now. Then she asked the magic question: was there anything else. I said there was, but I couldn't really talk about with with my niece there.
I should be a lot closer to my parents than I am. There's no real reason why this isn't the case. No, that's a lie. There's a huge reason why I chose to distance myself. Well, it's huge to me. I hadn't seen my parents since before Mardi Gras when I ended up with my wrist in plaster. She was stunned that it had been that long. She stayed for a while and then said she was taking my niece back and that she'd return with some supplies for me. After she'd gone I took the opportunity to tidy the house a little. It needed doing anyway, but at least there was a reason. She was gone about half an hour.
Mum now knows about my status. I explained that when I found out last year that it was so close to family birthdays, and then Christmas and New Year and that it didn't feel right for me to reveal it at that time. She told me that that shouldn't have mattered and I should have told her anyway. That this was more important than anything else. I feel silly for having held back on it, but relieved now that she knows. It wasn't that much of a shock to her as she'd seen the rise and fall in me over the last twelve months. Seems it explained a lot. I haven't told her about Micheal yet.
Still in the shell-shock I sent a text message to Micheal. He rang me straight back. He's coming over on Monday sometime. I'd mentioned to him the other week about coming clean on everything to Mum and he'd questioned about why and why now. I didn't have an answer at the time. And today it just kinda flowed out. There were tears, from me. Probably the first time I've really cried over my status. And maybe it was time for those tears. Mum knows that I like to believe I'm strong, and for the most part I am. For the most part I've had to be. I had a few bouts of those uncontrollable crying spells this evening. I'm sure they're related to today.
Mart rang me. He'd been getting worried about not being able to contact me yesterday. I'm meeting him on Monday as well and going over for tea on Thursday night. He's pleased that I've told Mum, he knows it's been hard for me but understands the reasons I thought I had.
Mum's got me some paint as well. She thinks it will be a good idea for me to decorate the living room. It's needed doing for a while, it'll clean the room up and give me something to do. So I'm being dragged off for a family outing tomorrow. It's something to do I suppose.
Oh, yes. My dilemma thing. I made a decision. I am getting the PA done. Doing it on Wednesday, unless I wimp out! Insomnia is not good for making decisions, but I've made my mind up now. Also means that Mart is likely to be the first to see it. Pity that it's going to have to be 'look but don't touch'. But it's only going to be a few weeks of my sex life being 'up on blocks', and then it's Marts' birthday anyway.
Friday, December 10, 2004
For reference it's from Cazzo's Sex Skins. I'm not going to tell you what he does with that 'thing'. It was the pouting lips that first made me think about this (plus he's really sexy without his clothes on). So get thinking!
So... here we have Getting Into The Triple Helix.
PS. I know I need to shave again. Looks and feels so much better with no hair in the way.
Funny, really. Don't know why but I'd kinda got myself prepared for the result to come back positive. Suppose that's what you do. He tried to run off three times when we arrived at the hospital, but he knew I was watching him and wasn't about to let him go at this stage. I know I went a bit distant after we got the results. Kyle told Mart that he thought I was disappointed. Quite the opposite. I am so please it was negative. We had the tears and the hugs quite publicly. I didn't give a shit where we were and I know that Kyle didn't.
Before the results he was saying 'if it comes back positive I'm still not sticking my dick in you. Yet...' Then after the results it was me saying that 'I don't want you to put your dick in me. But I might put mine in you!' The shock and alarm on his face when I first said that was a picture. He knows I don't mean it, well, not all of it!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
It's Going To Be One Of Those Days!
This afternoon is either going to be plain sailing or a complete nightmare.
Dilemma Time Again!
Basically, over the last weekend Mart and I were to take a trip to the Piercing shop again. Last time he got his tongue re-done and I had a nipple done. Mart has been thinking of having one of his nipples done (will look very sexy on him, but I know I'm biased!) and I was planning to get the other one done. All fell through because neither of us could realistically afford it this time.
Thing is, I'm half toying with not getting the nipple done yet, but having a PA done instead. It's a big decision and I'm torn either way. No way I'm getting both done at the same time. Though the very thought of the lovely, sexy Carl handling my tackle and then other parts of my body is very appealing. Hmm. Sigh!!!
[ snaps back to reality ] I've been seeing pictures of pierced dicks and finding them very appealing (recently seen clips from Cazzo's Sex Skins, some well horny shit in that I tell you!). Pete said last time I was thinking about it that it would ruin a gorgeous cock, and I once left a still on a webcam and someone commented that I should 'loose the PA' and it was only where light was catching some, erm, juices. I really don't know. With me being kinda out of action sexually at the moment (thanks to the drugs) I suppose now is the ideal time. Lack of use would mean quicker healing. I mean, I'm not exactly planning on getting cock this side of Christmas but my arse would still be fully functional...
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
If At First You Don't Succeed...
For this and other such gems as ...
When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and tell them to fuck off.Try http://www.filthyjokes.freeserve.co.uk/Deep%20Thoughts.htm. You'll laugh. You'll cry. After an hour you'll be pissing yourself. I know, I did!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
New Year's Resolutions
Last year I thought I'd keep the resolutions simple. I think I did, that simple that I can't remember most of them. Two, however, I recall quite clearly:
- Reduce the amount of vodka I drink
- Get Mart and Kyle tested
Well I kinda killed the first one by February. Not entirely my fault (like I really need my arm twisting up my back). And I know that drinking doesn't solve any problems and frequently causes more.
The other one could be struck off today. Mart's been tested twice this year that I know of. Kyle, though, has always been scared of the 'what if?' Well today we begin the process of dismantling the 'what if?' It seems that the whole HIV thing has been swirling around his head for the past few months. So much so that he's managed to convince himself that he is positive. It all came to a head yesterday. Today was spent picking up most of the pieces.
He rings me up early yesterday morning drunk as the proverbial skunk and boasting that he wasn't going into work as he had some nice trade still in his bed. Much of his conversation was incomprehensible and we had a few more of those across the morning. Cut to later in the evening after he's spent the entire day drinking whisky. He rings up again and starts talking about no one caring about him and that no one would notice if he just fucked off. I've been here before with him and he knows that that is not the case. He rings off, only to ring up shortly after saying that he's feeling the same way I do (depression) so 'why don't we top ourseves at New Year?' I tell him that that is a bad idea and try and deflect the conversation. He's not listening and keeps going on about it.
The past couple of evening have seen me getting very severe and painful headaches due to the Citalopram (Pete confirmed the connection). A real bad one was just about to kick in when he rang again. Again it was about the 'topping' at New Year. I had no other option but to hang up. Something I don't like doing for any reason, but I had no choice this time. He'd hit a very raw nerve and I didn't want to hear any more. My main problem is that I know that Kyle is more than capable of following something like that through. That scares the hell out of me. Myself, well destructive thoughts and suicidal thoughts momentarily made it sound appealing (scares me to say that even to myself) but I know that it would be wrong.
I sat in quietness trying to put the pieces together. It was hard work with my headache which was really bad by then and that I'd been having trouble thinking all day. Then the penny dropped. Pete was round. 'I know what that was all about.' I pronounced, and then proceeded to explain to Pete that I thought Kyle was having a crisis about HIV. '...but I could be wrong. Though I'm not sure I am.', my own self-doubt kicking in.
I'm as rough as all hell this morning (takes me two hours to string a coherent sentence together) and Pete eventually leaves. The phone is going but I choose to ignore it, can't be doing with it. Eventually I answer and it's Pete. He tells me he's been in contact with Kyle and essentially I was right last night.
About mid-day I ring Kyle. I'd kinda been putting it off after what was said last night. His voice sounded as bad as I felt. He was sober, realising what he'd done and what he'd been worrying about. Kyle's first instinct in times like this is to party and to drink, hoping it will all go away like the hangover. I've been on this road with him before and kicked myself for not seeing the signs of his mental torment and the HIV-worries before. It had all been there, plain to see, but I'd not connected anything. And my mental state has been lacking of late anyway. We talk and I get to see a glimpse of the way he is. Poor lamb is in complete turmoil and doesn't know which way is up.
When I first told him about my New Year's Resolution he broke down in tears and told me how scared he was of finding out. There's still that fear. I hope that he's got at least one thing from me over this last year and that is that it's probably not as bad as he things it's going to be. I reasoned with him over the phone that he need to know one way or the other to sort this out in his head, and that the only way to do that was to get tested. It took time, but not that much persuasion, to get him to agree. There was no point in trying to get him to organise it, his head wasn't there and he'd back out if it became complicated. So I took the initiative to make the arrangements.
He got tested this evening, we get the results back on Thursday afternoon. I'm expecting a lot of him, and keep asking him to trust me on so many issues. I'm just hoping that I'm right! To be honest, I don't know which way I want the result to go. That sounds really bad, doesn't it? Makes me sound like God, as if I have any control over it! I want to help and I will be there, I made a promise that I would be and I intend to stick to my promise.
I was shattered by the time I met him at the hospital but that didn't matter to me. He looked in a bad way. I thought I looked bad, he was worse, and that's saying something at the moment! We did what we had to do and he appeared more relaxed after the counselling session. We've done the hard work now, the rest you just sit back and wait for.
There has to be a trigger in all of this, and I'm not sure what it is yet. I wanted to talk with him tonight, but he's not really ready to talk yet. I'm not about to back him into a corner, he already feels like he's in one of those.
I rang Pete to let him know what had gone on today. He was concerned about how I was coping. He'll call in on him as soon as he can.
'I'm shattered. Absolutely exhausted.' I said.
'You coping alright with it?' he asked.
'It's another part of me that dealing with it.'
'Acting again! No wonder you're shattered. Are you sure you're gonna be ok?'
'It's like someone else there. I'll be alright.'
'You know you're not convincing me but I'll take your word on it.'
Mart's worried. Understandably. Unsure about what Thursday is going to bring. 'If it's negative we carry on as usual.' I said.
'If it's not, well, we're there for him and support him.'
'Like we've done with you?' he enquired.
'Yeah, like the pair of you have done with me. We look out and look after each other.'
I owe a lot to the pair of them. There have been times when I've relied on my babies to keep me going. They're the closest thing to kids I'm ever likely to have, and in Kyle's case the closest family he's got. I love them completely, as if they really were my own, and maybe that's what makes it so strong between us all. On the way to meet Kyle I started thinking to myself. Here I am, running to the rescue of my eldest when my own body, health and sanity are failing. I started laughing at myself. But then realised that that is what I do, every time. I don't see that changing.
I'm not looking forward to Thursday.
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Bush Should "Promote Masturbation"
I know they're trying to tell us something. I thought he already was!
[ insert own punchline here ]
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
World Aids Day
In an insomnia-fueled surfing session a few nights ago I came across the following statistics:
- 53,000 adults are living with HIV in the UK (a quarter of whom are unaware of their infection)
- There were approximately 7,000 new infections in 2003
- The number of new HIV infections among gay men is the highest for ten years.
I remember driving home from work one night last year and heard on the news that the years HIV figures had been released. It upset me to know that within 12-months I'd end up as another statistic. The figures are frightening. When I was 'learning' last year I heard all the reports about a 'global pandemic', but the feeling on the ground was always that 'it's someone elses problem'.
When Scotty first told me of his diagnosis I could see how upset he was. It really upset me as well, but I couldn't show that to Scott. Over the next few days of talking and explaining I realised how much I'd learned about HIV and how little most other (negative) people knew. That's worrying. It's ok knowing 'how to avoid HIV', but what about how you cope with living with HIV? Parts of this year have been so hard, but there is so much good that has happened. Things that would never have been done had I not received my positive diagnosis.
Kyle has always been scared of getting tested as he's sure his first reaction will be to do himself in if he tested positive. That was also among Scott's first thoughts. Mart constantly reminds me that I'm still living and that one day I'll be sharing the commode with Kyle and him in the nursing home!
Kyle has gone to the vigil in the Park this evening. I declined his invitation to join him (complicated reason) but he said he'd be thinking of me. Tonight I'm thinking of Scott and hoping he's alright. It's taken me getting infected to get Kyle and Mart to realise that it can happen to anyone, and to understand that 'playing' can be a dangerous game.