Monday, June 13, 2005

Achilles Heel

Everyone one has one. An achilles heel that is. Perfect as I may at times like to think I am, I'm foiled by the usual human failings.

Tonight, Kyle, eldest informs me that 'we're going out', rather publicly as he invites me into the Gaydar chat room that he usually frequents with the instructions 'make me look good'. The outcome: yes, he becomes popular, people are asking about me. Another 20 people now have pictures of my cock on their desktop. Good on them. For some, its about as close as their gonna get. And I know how hard that may sound coming from me.

So yes, I do make him look good, kinda. Definately, I have a good time doing it. Yes, I can do a good stage play, there's no secret there, when I need to be I can be a damn good actor. Damn good. But it wasn't a stage play, it was me. Still, they love me. Am I ready for my close up, Mr. DeVille?

And we go out. And we have a fantastic time. We meet someone that we both know, that I've been worried about for a long while, and its nice to know he's still with us, though I know in my deepest heart that its probably not long now before we loose him to the great beyond. And that saddens me greatly. Yeah, he can be a vile old bitch when he needs to be. But then, can't we all when the time is right? But it makes me happy to see he's still with us, he's still fighting, and as fiesty as every. God, I love him for his courage if nothing else, and just pray I have the same strength of character, and inner strength if ever I'm in the same position.

I know I wear my heart on my sleave with this, but Nige, I love you, honey, and I'm so scared for you. I wish you every good wish I can. I'm with you. And maybe I understand what Mart means when I say that 'I think You're so brave'. You're such a lovely guy, and I don't wanna lose you.

So. It's the end of the night, and some one turns round to me and says 'I love you'. My initial response, 'don't say that, you hardly know me.' kinda falls on deaf ears. Well may be not deaf, but alcohol is working as a poor filter. Non-comprehension stares at me. 'But you're gorgeous, and I so love that nipple piercing.' (We've already covered the cock piercing too. Yes I was a little bit pissed). And I try and explain that I don't do 'love'. Badly. Very badly. He's a nice guy, quite a sweet guy actually, so I try and explain that I don't want to break his heart, 'cos in one way or another I know I will, and I just plain can't do that to anyone.

Who's the heartless bitch now?

I know I can play. I've lived half a life letting men think they're gonna get what they need/want/fancy to see them through. I can be the bitch, the slut, the baby, the lover, that they all needed at that moment in time. Call me a chameleon, if you like, but when this leopard changes his spots he does it for real. And maybe not many people are priviledged to see all that. Yea. Soppy cow that I am. Brash, hard-faced bitch as need be, has a soft under belly that at times needs affection and attention too. And think I've been neglecting that need.

But for who's benefit?

There's a hole in my existence. And for once I'm not talking about my broken arsehole. (despite trying yesterday, there's something not working quite right). I think this has been apparent for a while, but I've only latched on to it. Certainly, no one knows what the void needs to be filled with, let alone what the void actually is. Including me, for the most part.

Everyone I love, I know you are.
Everything I need, I know where it is.
Everything I desire, I know how to obtain.
Everything I want is in my life.

I'd like to believe I'm more than just a voice in the darkness, though at times I wonder.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Goodbye Penthouse!

It's the end of an era. Quite upsetting really, but you all know what a soppy cow I can be at times. Slept over at the Penthouse on friday night, and had my last cup of coffee there on the Saturday morning. Mart and fella left for work early on the Saturday, just leaving myself, Kyle and Kath. We walked into town together.

It would be nice to think that that was as some kind of a mark of solemn respect. The truth was that Kyle and I were a little stoned and public transport was a bit of a no no. So if you saw two lads zig-zagging down the pavement along with a busty blonde at about 10.30 yesterday morning, chances are it was us.

I really am so made up for Mart getting the new house. As Kyle put it, 'aww, my little sis is growing up.' We never made it to see the new house, so its gonna be a surprise when I do see it.

The leaving do, well, it was a quiet affair really. And if you believe that, you'll believe that I'm really the love child of Mother Theresa and Julian Clary. We were small in number, but the music was LOUD, just the way its always been. There was a plan for me to flirt with a random guy at the bus stop outside - in just the same way as I did at the moving in party - but that never happened. God, 15 months on, I can still remember the screams of laughter from other people at the party when the guy got on the bus and blew a kiss at me. He was cute, but I've never seen him since. Though we've all flirted, without exception, with random users of that bus stop.

Kyle made an interesting point though as we were walking. This will be the first time that one of us has moved and I've not done any driving for it. They move on Wednesday. Its all happening so quickly. It upsets me a bit that I'm not doing anything to help.

Friday, June 10, 2005

In Answer to jobaby...

jobaby left the following in the comments:
Questions - how long had you had them and did they appear fast? Are they warts
or some sort of skin tag? Did you have them removed? I ask because I have
something like that on my leg, a liitle too close to the crotch for comfort.
Sorry if that's too many questions!

How long did I have them? They're on the site of where I cut myself pretty badly shaving last summer. They became properly noticable in early November. And yes, they did grow fast. We started freezing them just after Christmas (with little effect). Freezing produced a partial reaction but was not enough to clear them completely and in fact they were worse after the freezing reaction. We started with Aldara in March, but it seems like an eternity ago.

There was much controversy over whether they were warts or not, and I've got to admit myself that until I saw clear proof that the Aldara was working I wasn't convinced either way. They were annoying, ugly, and definately made me feel bad about myself. It was also very unclear whether they were related to my status, though we can assume that my status made 'healing them' much more of a long process.

As for having them cut out, well that was going to be the next course of action for me. Fortunately I'm being spared the trauma of having to go under the knife, for this occasion. Though we're under no illusion that this is the last we'll see of the little buggers, and I was advised to keep some of the Aldara back 'just in case'.

One thing to remember about the pictures, though, is that those were taken towards the end of the life of the growth, not while it was alive and fleshy. So, jobaby, if you're in any doubt you should really take it along to a medical specialist. I know, to my cost, that if I'd have gotten this matter dealt with sooner it would never have become the problem it did.

New Blood Counts

Today was results day at the clinic. I've not updated my charts on here yet but will get around to it over the weekend.

CD4: 321
VL: 20200 (same as last)

Bit down with the CD4 having dropped, but to some extent I think I can maybe explain that with the Aldara and the warts, along with the little dip in my overall well-being caused by that mugging. Apparently I'm still doing ok cos my CD4 percentage is still constant (19-20%).

Doc told me to keep my chin up: healthy mind, healthy body and so on. So we'll see what happens over the next few months.

Movers & Shakers...

Or losses and additions to the family.

Lets start with the nice stuff, the additions. Two introductions:

Firstly, meet Jake


Mart's new Cockatiel. I have to be honest, I'm not very confident with birds (of the feathered variety) and we can blame a lot of that on my Mother. It blame has to be placed anywhere. But Jake is gorgeous. They'd been told that he could speak, and I arrived while there were out collecting him. His first words in the flat were 'Hello Birdy' when I said hello to him. He's also taken quite a shine to me being quite happy to fly around the room and land on my shoulder. I'm quite touched, he's lovely.

Then meet Richard


8 inches of silicone and 2.25 inches thick. This is one serious piece of work, sadly, relegated to the rank of 'ornament'. It's almost as thick as my wrist. Worrying!! Concrete proof of what happens when my eyes are bigger than my arsehole! I'm not gonna spell out how hard I tried with this - and lets just say that it was a lot of fun - but its just too plain thick for me. It is nice to look at though!

And now the losses:


It's gone! Yippee!!

Went to clinic today and the doctor, after looking very hard for it, asked me how we were doing with the warts. So I showed him where it should have been. We're all so pleased its gone. Its so nice to have a jawline that looks the way it was intended. And I know I need to shave. And now I can without fear. Yay Me!!

The Penthouse

And a very sad loss to end with. Tonight we have the leaving do for 'The Penthouse'. That was our nickname for Mart's flat. We're all sad to be leaving it. It holds a lot of memories, an awful lot of memories. I suppose I'm quite lucky to have three places I can call home: my own 'Townhouse', Kyle's 'Studio', and 'The Penthouse'. Mart and fella are branching out with a new home all of their own. Kath is getting her own place too. So tonight we're gonna say goodbye to the Penthouse, and soon we'll be welcoming in 'The Mansion'. I'm gonna get my first peek at it today, possibly. Depends on how drunk we all end up!