Homeboi's Diary

Thanks to WaterColourBoy for this. Made me howl.

Ok We're doing a nob shot!! And this time it's mine...



This months jewellery is a 19 x 6mm circular barbell. Got the 15 x 5mm ring on the chain around my neck. November this time last year I was flashing a 17 x 4mm around in Legends. It's two years old later this month as well.

If it decides it wants cake it can go to McDonalds, but if it thinks I'm putting a candle down that piss slit its got another thing coming!

I want to stop at 6mm. I think that's big enough for me. For now at least. Any more wouldn't look right. I just need to get more jewellery at 6mm. But I do love the heavy balls on that barbell! Don't know why, I just do.

Guess I'm a mini porn star! The clip of me giving Adrian head has been seen 'accidentally' by a few people. All positive and nice comments, along with a few shocked looks.

And I'm not embarassed. I have been asked a few times if I'd wanted to take part in porn. Always declined because I couldn't face the possibility of accidentally seeing myself having sex. It's no secret that I like watching porn, and see numerous porn clips on the internet. But enjoying something and then suddenly watching yourself? Always thought that might be a bit too much for my own head.

Now I did get to see the clip. But because of being reminded the story behind it, me and Liam watched it as a giggle. Even so, even if I say so myself, it looks to me like I'm doing a good job, Adrian's expressions say he's loving every second, and my expression - complete with cock in gob - kinda indicate that I'm gettin off on it too.

There was a comment about when they could see the fuck scene.....

We're all talking again now!

Met Adrian after work. Well, you if can call it work. Been in a training session all day in a bloody cold room - air conditioned IT suite (AC centrally managed on a fucked up system) - so I wont remember a thing tomorrow.

'Oh, so you're still speaking to me?' he begins.
'Yea. Of course I am.'
'Well you've not rung me.' he comments, noting that I've spoken to Liam.
'Cos I don't have your number. Got Liam's and the house phone but not yours. We need to swap numbers.'
He's grinning because he wants to think he's making me squirm, he knows I'm not though! And his eyes start to dance in the way on his can.
'So why were you so upset on Friday?' he continues.
I explain that I was drunk, the email, getting very emotional.
'Yea I did say some bad things...'

Liam is around. When we're alone I ask Liam if they are 'properly' talking. He confirms that they are. Then for the remainder of the evening we're chatting, flirting, laughing and joking as if nothing had ever happened. It's all done and dusted.

Later on it's just Liam and me. 'So you're still in to us then? Even though we do look as rough as fuck!' he asks.
'Fuck yeah!' I say. 'Rough? I'm the one lookin rough as fuck!'
'I had noticed.' he says with mischief in his eyes, stroking the stubble on my chin.
I explain that my training was due to start at 9.30 and that I didn't wake up until 9am!
'I look so much nicer without this.' I begin, stroking my own chin. 'It really doesn't suit me.'
'I know. Me either!' he says with a wink.

But enjoy anyway!

This caught my eye in a magazine I was reading at clinic:

TREATING HERPES HITS HIV

New study reveals increased risk.

HERPES IN POSITIVE GAY MEN INCREASES HIV VIRAL LOAD, AND RAISES THE RISK OF PASSING ON HIV FROM A PASSIVE TO AN ACTIVE ANAL SEX PARTNER, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND.

One study from San Francisco found that almost 2 out of 3 HIV positive gay men also have theherpes virus. Herpes never goes once you have got it – it just lurks in your system and occasionally pops its head up to annoy you. When herpes wakes up again, often there are no symptoms.

For over two years we’ve known that gay men with HIV can sometimes have much more HIVvirus in the arse than in the blood or cum.

One study found that gay men who weren’t on HIV treatment could have 25 times as much HIVin the arse as in the blood and even men on HIV treatment had four times as much. Other studies since then have found that it can be as risky to be the active partner in anal sex with someone who has herpes as the passive one – but without herpes it’s the opposite.
Now a new study has found that ‘peaks’ of HIV virus, both in the rectum and in the blood, happen at the same time that herpes virus production peaks too.

While herpes increases HIV production, when HIV positive people are given an anti-herpesdrug, somehow HIV becomes very much less infectious (down by 90%), while people who were onHIV treatment become 75% less infectious when taking herpes treatment as well.

This suggests that treating HIV positive gay men with an antiherpes drug like acyclovir could also help reduce the risk of passing on HIV, as well as help reduce HIV viral load whether or not you are on HIV treatments.

[OUT NorthWest magazine, Issue 63, December 2006 - The Lesbian & Gay Foundation]

Why is it that even after three years I still hate going to clinic? I know its routine, I have to do it, yada yada yada... But today was bloods day. Usual routine and chit-chat. 'You're here for the full works today!' the nurse said reading my notes and gathering all the equipment we were going to need.

That reminds me actually, haven't put my last set of scores here yet. Tut tut! Now remember, these were from samples taken a week after Pride (and I am actually quite proud of them!) CD4: 420, VL: 81300. Next scores are due in a fortnights time.

All told I was there for an hour. Flu jab first, so if I'm rough over the next few days this is gonna be the cause. Today was the first time I can recall actually taking notice of the syringe for the flu jab - and I got given the patient information leaflet. Fuck is the needle big on it!! And despite my piercings I still brick it with needles. The nurse assures me that the whole needle doesn't have to go it - 'I don't know why they make it so long...' she sighed. Well I felt it go in, it hit the muscle in the top of my left arm. As the fluid was pushed in the sensation could only be described as being hit with a bat. Fortunately only brief uncomfort.

Was good doing the blood samples. Again I cant watch as the line goes in but once its there I'm ok and I saw the vials being filled. I was practically gushing the blood into em. I am stingy with my blood, after all there aint that much of me or it!

Biggest suprise though was my weight. Now remember that I've always been a fly-weight, never anything of me. I've put on 2.5 kilos to make me 52.5kg. Yay, over 8 stone at last!!

Then we got onto the sexual health business. I'm never embarassed about my sex life, or talking about it. Confused the poor girl completely trying to explain that my 'regular partner' had changed again, back with ex's and that there were two of them! Actually, we had a giggle about it because she couldn't work out the best way to put it down in my notes. I'm normally ok with the chat stuff until we get on to 'and how many sexual partners have you had in the previous three months?' It's not that I get shy, I just genuinely forget the count. I know I once said 15 to a doctor, he spluttered and looked at me aghast. I shrugged and commented that I just have a very healthy sexual appetite! Then I remembered that I'd been to McDonalds not long before hand so we have an average score of between 7 and 9 in one night! Oops. I thought long and hard before answering. 'Three', I said, knowing I was wrong - one day I'll forget, or take a list with me, then it could get interesting - because three only accounts for Jeff, Liam and Adrian. Not Mart or a handful of insignificant others. Though I will admit to not being as active while with Jeff.

We hate the pokey thing down the piss-slit thing. Perched on the edge of the couch, trakies round me knees, my shrunken nob looked like it wanted to keep its lips tight against the metal through the end. 'Em, this could be difficult.' I commented finding that I was gripping the ring inside that tightly I couldn't twist it round. Eventually got a little bit of an opening, and she gingerly slid the stick thing in, I could feel as it got past the flesh-encased metal and she was able to get a sample.

At the end she handed me the pot to piss in. And I'm thinking that there's no way I'm gonna be able to do a thing! The toilet was occupied as I left the consulting room so I had to wait. When I got in there, I sat down, opened the pot, looked at it and my nob thinking that this could take a long time. Dick goes in opening and what do you know? I start to pee. I'm sure they put something on those sticks to make it happen!

I've still got that rash around my face - got a new outbreak on the right-hand side of my jaw - so I wanted to see a doctor about it. They found me one and they're still unsure about what it is! So we're monitoring it until I go back in a fortnight.

Sunday night. Liam had gone home. I'd done another spliff, and was laid out naked watching the Madonna concert on TV. Amazing! Really getting into it when I heard a rattle at the door. At first I thought Liam had come back. Then I realised that keys were in the door, and the front door was opening. The only person it could be was Mart.

'Hang on.' I shouted.
A very very drunk voice (that was Mart's) called back an OK. I was looking around for something to put on. Now I know Mart's seen me naked before and he knows I'm comfortable with him seeing me naked. Still felt the urge to put something on though.

I found a pair of shorts and put them on. They were kinda tight and dont leave much to the imagination even though they are black! I called that he could come in.

'You wanking?' he enquired.
Yes, I was horny, but answered honestly that I hadn't. That was for later before bed!

I worked out that Mart was more than just a bit drunk. He was very very twatted drunk. 'You know I love you.' he kept saying, 'No, I really do love you!'. Then he'd lean forward and kiss me. A full and propper kiss.

He took his top off, leaned over to me again and began to snog me. His hand started to wander. The bone I was growing in my tight shorts began to get uncomfortable. When we broke apart, giggling I told him he was naughty, then had to put my hand down my shorts to re-arrange myself. Now it was very obvious that I was hard and horny. He put his hand on top of the package and gave it a squeeze.

I knew where this was going to be heading. Mart, out of his tree, horny, he was going to get sex and I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I thought long and hard about what I was to do next. Do I go through with this or try and stop it now? I was still stoned from earlier and I was horny. I decided not to resist. I handed Mart a cigarette, but he was more intent on snogging me and holding me than smoking. In the end I took the cigarette off him before we had an accident.

Mart was turning me on big time and my shorts were getting uncomfortable. 'Take em off.' he said, so I did! Next thing I know, his head is in my lap and he's sucking my cock. That felt so good. He lifted his head up and grinned at me. 'You can do that again!' I said, still breathless. 'I know I can!' he replied very cockily.

He moved round so he was kneeling on the floor between my legs, put his arms around my neck so he could pull me forward. I began to unbutton the fly on his jeans. I started to pull them down, stroking his back and arse as I did. He was thrusting forward and I could feel his bulge pushing between my butt cheeks. Yes, I wanted a good fucking. I moved my hand round the front, still in his jeans, and grasped his cock as he was thrusting. I wanted this, and I knew at that moment in time that he wanted it too. I just had to be sure that he was going to be ok afterwards with it.

With his jeans round his knees, still embraced, snogging, him rubbing his crotch around my arse area. I was torn, because I wanted fucking, I needed to get fucked, but I also wanted to play some more. I think Mart sensed this. 'Condoms' he said, 'we're gonna need condoms.' I agreed. Even though in the heat of the moment he could have shafted me right there right then with no protection I would have regretted it later. Really regretted it.

We took a short break. He went to the loo. I went to the other side of the room to pick up a packet of condoms and lube. I sat back on the couch, and when he came and sat next to me my cock was hard, throbbing, the circular barbell at the end giving it a fierce expression. I gave it a slight stroke and shuddered with the feeling. It was still slimy from his bj and it felt nice. 'Get your head down and suck my dick again.' I commanded. He did!

He moves me so he's sat up and pulls me so I'm sat on top of him. His cock is rubbing again at my arse. 'You're not wanting to fuck right now are you?' I asked. 'No.' he responded, confusion on his face. 'Good' I cooed and slid down his body, kissing his chest as I went. I ended up on the floor and started to suck his cock. He started to breath heavily, then started to moan while I gently stroked his meat and sucked on his ball sac.

He slides onto the floor and next we have my arse in his face. He knows I like to have my arse eaten out, and I know he enjoys it. And he's good at it! I try sucking his cock again, but the position I'm in doesn't make this possible without bending his dick in an uncomfortable way. SO I start to nuzzle the bit between his balls and hole. So he's pulling my cheeks apart and trying to get his tongue as far in as possible. I'm in heaven. Then he pushes me down.

'Sit on that dick, bitch. I'm gonna fuck you so hard!' That was the point of no return. Him being forceful like that, well, it turned me on so much that I sure weren't gonna refuse an offer like that. I put a condom on him, cover it with lube. I can tell he likes the feeling as I stroke the lube into the condom. There's a huge grin on his face that I return.

Without warning I get up and position myself over his cock. Guide it to my hole and swallow it in one motion. We both gasp with pleasure. Slowly I start to ride him, the balls on the barbell bouncing on his stomach as I bottom out. I pick up the pace, lean forward and we start to snog again. I'm leaning forward a bit now so he takes control and starts banging into me from underneath. My hand goes to my cock and I start to wank myself. He can tell I'm really turned on. He's giving me short strokes, long strokes, filling me with everything hes got. He pulls my hand away from my cock at one point, 'you're not cumin yet, you're gonna shoot it in my face!' If he hadn't taken my hand away then I would have shot my load in his face right then!

We change position, me on all fours leaning on the edge of the couch and he takes me from behind. He fucks me roughly, and I'm loving it. I'm pushed forward as he fucks harder and harder. Lots and lots of dirty talk that I know I don't know where it comes from, but its working so well for me at this moment in time. I'm trying to use my legs to push him even deeper into me. We're wet and breathless. Moaning, grunting. This is wonderful.

It ends with him lying on his back. I've kissed my way down his chest, nibbled at his nips and found my way to his crotch. As he wanks I'm flicking then end of his nob with my tongue. He knows I want to taste his spunk. I move myself round so I'm between his legs. Still flicking, licking at whatever flesh comes near my mouth. I slap his balls with my tongue and I know he's close. I close my lips over his cock head and get the first spurt of his juices. He starts to thrash around on the floor as I suck the rest up and out of his shaft. Half gets swallowed, some I smear around his dick with my tongue. I slide up his body, his slimy cock head in contact with me all the way and we kiss. He grins, then I remember what's all round and in my mouth. I giggle, swallow and lick my lips.

The following morning he's confused to find himself alseep on my couch in just his socks with a towel over him. 'How did I get here last night?' he asked.
'I don't know, love, you just arrived. You were a bit wasted!'
'Don't think I walked cos that would have sobered me up. And I cant remember getting a taxi...'

He knows we went with each other. No embarassment. There never has been any embarassment. It's been a long time since we last did anything with each other. The sexual side of our relationship is something special, we both still do each other because we enjoy it. I've still to make my mind up whether I tell Liam and Adrian. I probably will eventually. They know the history, they know what I'm like! They know they're my world.

<sings...>Happy Birthday to me, and my H I V!</sings>

Yes, we are three today. And I'm not going to get upset today.

Meeting the boyz later and we're just going to have a quiet time with each other. Missed not having them together at the weekend and Liam promised that he'd try to bite his tongue!

Just on my way to the office so I cant write just yet about something that happened last nite.

Interesting, not unwelcome, and certainly unforgettable!

This made me laugh so much and be so amazed at the same time. Liam got thrown out of the Christina Aguellera concert. Oops. And I didn't get back in time on Thursday - was 8pm on the dot as I got through the door. Liam, fueled by coppious amounts of vodka, doing such things as stripping off in public! He's still not sure how it happened but all he remembers is getting thown out and waking up at home. Mark filled the rest in, and there's so much more I could write... But I did have a nice night with my weed. Would have been funny to be there, but so embarassing for poor Liam.

When I wake there's a text message saying he got thrown out. I think he's blagging. He then rings later and tells me the full story that's been recounted to him. I'm dumb struck. Liam knows it takes quite a bit to shock me and I just started to giggle. A nice giggle. Kinda, 'oh shit, that's our boyfriend there', mixed with 'I wish I could have seen it.' and a hint of 'aww you're so naughty!'. Then I got told about how horny he was that morning and how that waking Adrian up early had caused an argument...

So Liam now has a distorted body clock. Remember this fact. Friday, the idea is we all meet up. I try ringing Liam about 6.30. No answer, and I kinda know he's asleep. I meet Adrian after work and we have a few drinks. And I knew it's cos he was drunk he started talking about Liam, saying some nasty things. My heart kinda sank.

Sank because I'd done an email to Jeff. And trust me, I'm not proud of myself for doing it by email. I actually hate myself for it. Tried the previous Thursday to do it in person but it didn't happen. I was stoned when I wrote the email so I know that I will have said what I needed to say. I don't remember what I've written though. But do remember that its my fault, he's wonderful (because I do still think he is), and that I was so so sorry.

I ended up leaving Adrian in tears. First time he's seen that from me. Told him I had to go. 'Keep in touch.' he said. Because I was so emotional I know I probably mis-read so much of the evening. Before I left him I told him bout the email. I was hoping I hadn't just made the biggest mistake. I found a place, slumped against a wall, my head in my hands. Frantic text message to Liam desperate to know that I was wrong. And a message to Mart saying that all I wanted to do was die.

The only way I can describe: you're in a cartoon. you're stood on top of a building. the building catches fire. you jump to the building on the right, just as it starts to catch fire.

I woke on Saturday morning. Early. My phone had a missed call from Liam at really-stupid-o'clock along with about 10 text messages. He'd been asleep. Body clock fucked. We spoke for at least half an hour. The text messages and our conversation proved me that I was wrong, that I really had made the right descicion. We arrange to meet later before going to Mark's birthday.

Well the birthday never came. And I feel a bit awful on Mark cos of the tickets thing. But Liam had fallen asleep. A real deep sleep. I spent an hour outside the front door, even tried coaxing him with a bottle of wine. Shouting through the letterbox!! So I didn't turn up either (went home, got stoned, watched X Factor. nice one!) But I did send Mark an appology for both of us! It wouldn't have felt right me being there with out Liam, no matter how welcome I was to have been there.

So they're now in a serious non-speaking phase with each other. In fact today, Sunday, they've not actually seen each other. A text message arrived on my phone just before 2am - I kinda knew that was the time Liam would wake up. I'd crashed out downstairs watching TV. Went to bed at 7am but didn't get the message until about 10.30. He didn't think I could forgive him for last night. I knew he was asleep, I know he didn't mean to miss it. Of course I forgave him.

We spoke on the phone and I mentioned about going to the Trafford Centre, a nagging thing in my mind about getting a top. We decided it was a good idea. Adrian would be in bed until later and Liam needed something to stop him falling asleep during the day!

I picked him up. As we were driving I noticed the sun getting in his eyes and irritating him. I pulled the visor down. 'You don't have to suffer love.' I said. 'I know, but the mirror is too much. I look stale not fresh.' he replied. 'Babe, you look fine.' I said. And he did. Well we got to the Trafford Centre. Parking was a nightmare. We followed a sign saying there were spaces in one car park. We couldn't find a single one. 'I can't believe its so busy, on a Sunday. Do these people not understand about doing drugs on a Saturday night?' The way Liam said it was just classic. Not long after we found a space.

I'd already warned Liam on the journey that because of my size getting clothes was difficult. 'You might regret agreeing to this!' I'd said, slapping his knee while we were driving. As it was, it took longer for us to park and get into the centre than it did for me to find a shop, get two tops - one that I saw and really liked, and a Fred Perry one that Liam thought looked really nice. I've not tried them on yet, but they should look very very nice on me. Liam actually picked the one out of the size I'd got the other! Quite touching actually. 'Oo you're lucky. You can come shopping again!' I giggled grabbing his arm as we walked back to the car.

We drove back to mine. Coupla cans, few spliffs and we were so happy together. We watched some documentary on Abba. Liam rang Adrian to let him know it was on. I knew he'd rung Adrian, I also knew he'd enjoy watching it. They may not talk, they do still care. Adrian knew he was with me and safe, he rang to find out when he'd be back because it was getting late. We've had a great afternoon with each other. And yes, I did miss not having Adrian there as well, and Liam knows that. They both know I hate it when they fall out.

I'm just waiting on a text or a call from Liam when he gets in. I offered to get him a taxi, and he said I was so sweet, but he'd get the bus back. Didn't want to be cheeky. He is a sweetheart.

A three-way relationship is never going to be an easy thing. And I know its not something that other people comprehend easily. But my mind and my heart understand it so naturally.

...it's 9.30am, you've tried on new clothes, taken them off, you sit down (on your feet), fart, and follow through on clean socks!

Arrgh. Twat.

Well at least my new tracksuit (which needs exchanging for a size down) is untouched!

Overall today has been good. And I don't feel such a bad boy now that I've seen Adrian. His little eyes lit up when he saw me. I gave up trying to disguise the huge grin that I was wearing and just let it shine. Here's a guy who has the ability to make me melt without even trying. [rapidly shakes head] Sorry. Very horny and really needing a certain kinda loving... But I'll just have to wait wont I?

Anyway. I'm there with Adrian and saying that just cos Liam's playing out doesn't mean I could keep him out, '...cos I'll get it in the neck.'I said.
'Dont you mean in the arse?' he questioned with a huge grin on his face.
'I never get it in the arse from Liam,' Then I whined, 'I only get it in the arse off you honey...!' and gave him a huge kiss.
We broke apart with huge grins.

I left Adrian to go and get weed from Chris. Just driving out of town when my phone goes. It's Mark so we do quick hellos before I tell him I'm driving, stopped at lights but theres a police van right behind me. We break the call, then shortly afterwards I get a text message saying he can get another ticket and it starts at 8pm. I looked at the clock in the car. There was no way I could have even got home and got ready in time to go out with them. Was a pity cos I would have probably really enjoyed it. But I was touched by the sweet thought. I couldn't apologise enough. Told him I was really sorry but he would see me on Saturday and that I was looking forward to it. Should be a good night once I get Liam convinced!

But it got me thinking about going to see something like that. So I checked on the Area website for what's coming up. A mixture of knows and dont knows. But was most surprised at this. Jeff Wayne's Music Version of the War Of The Worlds. Fuck me! Year of my birth, but I was brought up with it as well. I love that album. It's all the way off until next December though. Boo Hoo. So I'll probably have forgotten about it by then...

Just had a quick phone call from Liam. And not off his mobile!

It's strange. When we split up I was loathed to lose any information I had about them. Liam didn't have a mobile, Adrian did but we never got round to exchanging numbers. So basically all communication was done face to face, from their land line or via Gaydar.

There was an instance one Sunday earlier in the year. I was at home, Mart was at work. I was having a great time at the computer, chatting, generally being slutty, mobile at the side of me. All of a sudden mobile went off flashing their name. You know that kinda 'o shit, what the fuck!' kinda shock? it was one of those moments. I took the call, trying to make out that I didn't recognise the number. After Liam introduced himself my response was, 'well I never expected to hear your voice on this phone again!'. They invited me out for a drink, I told them I'd think about it cos I was still shocked. Quickly phoned Mart - rare for me to do during the day unless there's a problem. Mart and I talked it over, 'Go see what they want.' He said, 'If something happens, take it as it comes. You can always walk away. Remember?'. Me and Mart were going out later anyway, so I did go out and meet them. Nothing much came of it, but it was so nice to meet them again.

So their name flashes up on my phone again. First time since us getting back together. No shock, pleasure actually! It's Liam. 'Just ringing you up, cos I wanted to hear your voice. Not heard it since Sunday...' That was so sweet to hear. In one of our sleepy-morning moments the first time round he'd said, right out of the blue, '... you know, you could be so easy to fall for...' Not long after, the whole thing fell apart. I think there's more honesty this time round. On all sides. I'm not trying to be good to Liam cos I want Adrian, and I'm not being good to Adrian cos I want Liam. I genuinely want the both of them. I know I said that last time, and I meant it, but I think its more important that it's obvious that its both or nothing.

There's a text message on my phone from Jeff. It arrived last night. I'm going to have to open it sometime but I'm not looking forward to the experience.

Liam and Mark are going to see Christina Aguillera tonight. Liam's feeling a bit shitty bout it cos the ticket he's using was originally for someone else who cant go due to someone else being seriously unwell, and also a bit gutted cos there isn't a third ticket for me to come along. It would have been nice.

It's still all up in the air about whether he's coming out for Mark's birthday on Saturday.
'I'm waiting for some money to come through. If it comes tomorrow, I'll be out.' he said. 'If it doesn't...'
'I'll be telling you you're coming out!' I interrupted.
'We'll talk about that tomorrow.' He giggled.

I'm going to try and catch Adrian this afternoon. Feel awful that I missed him on Monday and am really missing him. Told Liam that I felt like a very bad boy cos I didn't show and didn't say anything!

Things are going so well at the moment. I smile everytime I think about them. And we're talking big shit eating grin-type smile here and not a cutesy embarrased grin. O, it was so nice to hear your voice too honey.

Oops! Just realised a serious mistake in one of the Bad Taste Jokes. It actually makes it even sicker on reflection. Sorry.

The correct joke should read as follows:-

Little girl wakes up after a bomb has gone off.
'Doctor! Doctor!' she cries, 'I can't feel my legs!'
'Erm. O Yea.' the Doctor begins, 'Sorry bout that, but we had to amputate your arms.'

The internet is an amazing place. This morning I discover a new word. Punanigans.

Whether I prefer that or slurping the turkey is another story.

It just trips off (or in some peoples cases, on) the tongue. Obviously I'm taking it from a gay stand point. Seems like ages since I had any punanigans. Let's see what the weekend brings...

Some of these may offend, but they cheered me up no end!

Little girl wakes up after a bomb has gone off.
'Doctor! Doctor!' she cries, 'I can't feel my legs!'
'Erm. O Yea.' the Doctor begins, 'Sorry bout that, but we had to amputate them.'

Q: What do you call a disabled lad on a trampoline?
A: A spring vegetable.

What's very black, very loud, but now not very proud?
Stevie Wonder after mistakenly answering his iron.

[VERY sick]
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
[sorry]

What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.

What's black and has 17 tits?The bin bags outside the breast cancer ward.

And did you hear about the cheese grater Stevie Wonder got last Christmas?
Fuck was that the most violent book he's ever read!

I've just seen a DVD title that's made me giggle:

Cum Eating with Alan Gregory



I'm howling with laughter. Alan Gregory used to mend my clarinet when I was in primary school!

I may have gone to bed early, but I think someone's been up all night cos they went out last nite...

My alarm went off this morning at 7.30. Spotted a text on my phone from Liam. Sent at 7.15! Of course I replied.

Really cheered me up. We were continuously texting each other until about 10am. We're doing a birthday this weekend, Mark. He's a real sweetie, and I am fond of him in a non-relationship kinda way. Liam was making sure I was going to be there even though his own presence had yet to be decided.

Historically Mark has never got on well with Liam's boyfriends and vice versa. Seems I'm the only one to date where this is not the case. Not blowing my own trumpet, but that surely says something. Especially as I know I've been specifically asked for!

I'm bored. Nothing on TV, can't be bothered with the computer and I've been at it all day. So I'm off to bed.

Throat is a little better today but the rash is still there. Still looks awful to me. Only went out of the house to get gas, electric and cigarettes. Been a very, very quiet day.

I've got this overwhelming urge to go to Mcdonalds tomorrow. It's probably not such a good idea with me being rough and I probably wont go through with it. But then I also got this urge to cook something this week. Don't know what, just an idea that it might be nice for me to cook for Liam and Adrian. I'll have to look at the recipe books I appear to have amassed, see if something simple takes my fancy.

Yawn. Even the prospect of a wank doesn't interest me!

Am not feeling at my best today. Far from it to be truthful. Woke up this morning with such an awful dry throat thought I'd been rimming the cat during the night! Little Princess that she is (some of the time) slept cuddled into me all night. Was quite sweet really. Normally she'll come on the bed, say good night, then sit at the foot of the bed for a while before doing whatever it is she does during the night.

Looked at my throat in the bathroom mirror. Not a pretty sight. Red raw and inflamed. But the throat is only one thing. There are too many coincidences of things happening now that happened last year. You know where my head is going with this...

Had a shave - not had one since Friday night - and under the stubble was a rash. Red, blotchy and round the corners of my mouth. I kinda went to pieces. Now I've never admitted to being the most gorgeous guy on the planet. I'd never class myself as stunning but I'm certainly not bad looking. Even with the warts - which were a bit hideous - I never felt that bad about my appearance. Today, though, I really didn't want to leave the house.

I'd got an important work meeting over in Didsbury that I couldn't get out of so I had to go to that. Back in the car I tried to ring the clinic. Guess I needed some reassurance that I was wrong. They could fit me in next Monday, but that's not what I wanted, and I'm there anyway for bloods in the middle of that week. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror. I just wanted to cry. If it was noticed during my meeting no one commented to me about it. But to me it was obvious. I felt disgusting. I feel disgusting.

Got back home and waited until 1pm to ring my manager and let him know that I wasn't coming in. I'd rung clinic and left details and was waiting for someone to come back to me. I explained, almost shouting, what was wrong, and that I was waiting for a call. He not a happy bunny cos we've got inspections all this week. I told him that I'm still capable of work, just really cant face anyone seeing me. So he dictated a couple of tasks to me on the phone of things that needed to be done as soon as possible. They got done.

By 4.15 I'd still heard nothing back from clinic. 'Fuck it!' I thought, downed tools and drove over to clinic. I'd see anyone, even the cleaner, if they thought it could help. They found me someone and she took a look at my throat. It took two attempts cos I couldn't do the 'ahh' thing, kinda sounded like a paralytic wasp. No sign of anything untoward, just very red and very sore. So we're on soluble paracetamol for a few days to see if that helps. The rash, however, is a mystery.

Driving back home I decided I was going to need to do some shopping as I'd not got any soluble paracetamol. Maybe I just picked the wrong time of day, I don't know. But it seemed like everyone looked, everyone stared. From the little kids to the grown ups I felt like a circus clown where the make up had gone terribly wrong. I got what I needed, not necessarily what I wanted and darted for the checkouts. Tried to find the shortest queue I could and kept my head down as much as possible. And buying cigarettes ain't easy when you've next to no voice left!

Sat in traffic my mind started wandering. Lying in bed last weekend with Liam. I heard him telling me I was gorgeous, a beautiful person. And so many people want a slice of me at the moment. I'd wanted to meet with Adrian after work, its kinda become a habit that I see him after I've finished and spend a bit of time with him. But I don't want him seeing me like this. And talking is so hard.

I thought about putting a picture of my mouth in here as a reminder. But I can't do it. Vanity has nothing to do with it, I just don't want to be reminded of how ugly I feel at the moment.

Tee hee he!

I ordered one of these on Wednesday:


Was hoping it was gonna arrive today. Followed my hunky postman (from a window, of course, its fukin freezing out there!) around the estate. Then he got into his car and missed me out. Grr.

And of course, this has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that Mart and I are planning to get completely twatted tonight...

I love MSN for the ease it allows me to communicate with other people. I hate MSN for the pricks that obtain my address and think that saying 'Hi' is enough sweet-talk for me to turn a webcam on an start to 'do stuff...' With some people I'm lucky to get even the 'Hi'.

Now this is not intended to be a name and shame. But anyone recognise this nob?


I don't get turned on my performing on camera. Maybe its because I did it years ago. Maybe I just know that feeling flesh is better than peering at pixels. Either way, it ain't gonna happen.

But this lad, whose name and identity shall be with-held, gave me a giggle for a while at least. He was after a blow-job and a boyfriend, and a little disappointed that I was too far away and that, well, let's not talk about boyfriends!

His crowning moments of our conversation...
me: so, u got a nice cock?
him: have i thanks
me: that was a question, i aint seen it!

me: i like it sleazy. wots the sleaziest thing u done?
him: fucking
me: k...

Got an email from Kyle this morning. OK, he sent it on Monday evening but I am getting crap with email again - amongst other things. Basically, call me 'as soon as you get this'. Now in our family group 'urgent' and the like has a number of strains:

'as soon as you can' - if you get round to it, great, if not we'll pick it up along the line.
'when you get this' - could do with speaking, but its not really really important.
'urgent' - you need to know this now (usually before I drop you in something).
'very urgent' - major shit going on!

Kyle and me never really got past what happened with me an hospital, d-day and him going off the rails 12-months ago. That's the truth. Despite that, he's still a part of my family and always will be. The past 12 months haven't been an easy ride for him for one reason or another. We've spoken infrequently on MSN, usually when he's been bored and pissed at home. Would be true to say that in some ways he cut himself off, and thanks to the stubborn streak in all of us (thanks Mum!!) it was always turned round to be someone else's fault.

But that's all by-the-by. Met up with him for the first time in a long while last week, Monday night. There was quite a lot of catching up to do, including updating him on the current trials of my love life - why can't it be as simple as my sex life!?!?! There are matters in his real family that I can't go into that have led to death threats, plus he's also managed to get himself victimised to such an extent where he's currently living that he doesn't feel safe there. He's fallen in love (his words, I've yet to see it) with someone from outside Manchester (way outside) and he's been advised that the best way to resolve a number of issues is for him to escape from Manchester.

It's a big gamble. His track record with people that he's 'in love with', well, don't even register as high as 'piss poor'! Too many people I've been introduced to with them being 'the one I wanna settle down with'. Too many times a few weeks later: 'they're a wanker! I still love <insert name of previous bf here>.'

But now a number of strings have come together. The Man, the escape, and the chance of a new life. It was first mentioned to me as an idea months back. I told him he was crazy. 'What happens in six months time when the relationship falls apart? You're on your own in a strange town. You'll have lost everything!' I asked. The response: 'that wont happen, I love him!'. You see the way that conversation went!

Now don't get me wrong. If this all works out for him, fantastic. If it all goes tits-up...

Well the point of the phone call was for him to tell me that it is happening, and happening soon. I guess I kinda hoped that he'd be around for a little bit longer. With more notice and less going on at my end I would have liked to have sorted out a propper send off, my Motherly duty! Lol.

He wants to see both me an Mart before he goes so he asked what I was doing tomorrow. My reply of 'balancing boyfriends' was met with confusion. The shriek of hysteria when I reminded him that there were three at the moment made him realise that it's not quite as easy as dropping everything at the moment.

I know something will get sorted, don't know what yet. I hate saying 'goodbye'. Ok, he's only a train ride or a car journey away. There's phones and the internet for us to keep in touch. But it feels so permanent and terminal. And strangely, I get the impression he doesn't want to miss out on D-Day this year! He mentioned about it, and coming back up for it.

It's been a funny old year. Good luck, Kyle. You'll be missed, sometimes...!

Its so deadly my dear
The power of wanting you near
Until the day
Until the world falls away
Until you say therell be no more goodbyes
I see it in your eyes
Tomorrow never dies

[Sheryl Crow : Tomorrow Never Dies ]

Sunday. Just. Will be early Monday by the time I finish writing this. But my, what a weekend! And it's made me more determined to get matters sorted out.

The weekend started Friday. Now previously, I'd end up spending most of the weekend with Jeff at his. But this weekend would involve me spending time with all of the men in my life, it had to to keep us all happy. Myself included. So Friday night I spent with Liam and Adrian. Liam and I had decided to have an easy night, get stoned, little pissed while Adrian was at work, then eat, chill out and do whatever when he got back.

I got round there for about 6.30, Ade wasn't due to finish work until 8, so for the first few hours it was just me an Liam. We cracked open the beer and started a joint, looking for stuff to watch on the TV. Then we'd start talking, and lots of little things we saw in each other came out. It was really nice. We know we can talk to each other about anything. I told him the story about me being called shy in MacDonalds by a guy whose nob I was stroking. He pissed his sides, said he'd never had me down as shy. But its a shyness that not everyone gets to see. I guess when I can open up to someone I don't need to use the shyness for protection.

It got to 8.15 and Ade rang. Liam answered the call. I just knew it was Adrian. They spoke for a while, Liam wandering between kitchen and living room, me with a huge grin on me face. It's the man we love, and he'll be home shortly. Liam came over to the sofa and handed me the phone. 'You alright love?' he said. My heart just melted. 'I'm good, all the better for hearing you though.' I giggled back. 'Aww.' he cooed. 'I'm still in love with you, you know?' he said. For a second I was stunned. Did I really hear that? 'Oh honey, I love you too. And I can't wait for you to get back home.' I had heard right. He said it'd been a busy day, and he did sound knackered. I just wanted him home with us. 'I wont be long, gonna get a taxi.' It was a horrible night, very wet, very windy, so I was glad he said that. 'So we're having a candle-light supper then?' he giggled. 'Don't know about that, I don't see any candles. But I do have an enormous spliff in me hands!' He laughed out loud. 'Tell Liam what I've just said.' We ended the call and I was excited and giddy.

Liam was in the kitchen so I went to join him. We chatted about our individual conversations. I mentioned about the candles. Liam spluttered a laugh and explained how that saying had come about with others that two of them had met. 'Don't worry,' he started, still smiling broadly, 'it's not like that. This is very different.' And I knew he was right.

We ate not long after Ade got back. The plan was for us to watch a film. But the program guide on the TV wasn't working so after spending ages trying to find something worth watching Liam thru Adrian the remote and told him to find something. Adrian went for the music channels. And the music channels, with a bit of hopping through most of them, stayed on all night. It seems as though theres quite a bit of music that we all like. 'Turn Me On' by Dirty Old Ann came on once, Liam stood up and started singing and dancing across the floor. Adrian and I started to giggle, then I started to sing along. 'Oo, I love that one.' he said, satisfied, as he settled back to a seat. 'Yea, me too' I responded. Adrian was finding another channel! One song that kept coming round, don't know how many times we heard it that night was Madonna's 'Jump'. We're all in love with that one. We'd always fall silent, nodding along, when it came on.

Are you ready to jump?
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hands
Get ready to, are you ready?

It was 5 in the morning when we went to bed. We'd had a wonderful night. Adrian made love to me before we slept and I'm sure I was crying a bit. We were all a bit mashed and I remember a loud moaning noise coming from me. I was enjoying myself and was so so happy. I slept very heavily - they told me I snored a little during the night, sorry guys!

We woke up saturday afternoon. Mid afternoon! Adrian was in work that night and as I had to go home I offered to run him there. Even if it wasn't on my way home I'd still have done it. Liam and I watched gameshows on TV while Ade played on the computer. Then it was time to take Ade to work. It was another horrible night so I was glad he was with me. The traffic driving thru town was horrendous. When we weren't far away from our destination Adrian told me he was gonna get out, he was already 5 mins late. He wasn't far away and probably would get there for the traffic would allow us! So we kissed and hugged and he got out. Waved as he went round the front of the car, and I blew him a kiss. My eyes followed his every step until he went out of sight. I needed to see him later...

Now the plan for Saturday was that I was going to have to see Jeff at some point. I fancied going out, as that was a way for me to get to see Liam and Adrian with Jeff around. Chris had text me the previous night about going out, so here was a chance to use his idea. Plus with Chris there if I escaped for a moment it wouldn't seem too bad to Jeff.

I'd told Liam my plan. He grinned mischievously. His expression said one word: 'wicked'. As a plan, maybe not fool-proof, but certainly workable.

As Adrian was getting out of the car my phone went off. I was in traffic so didn't do anything about it until I got home. Plus my phone was in my bag at the back of the car. So it wasn't until I was upstairs at home, after emptying my bag ready for re-packing that I read the message Liam had sent:

Really gutted you're not staying tonight. Love you being here, hate it when you
go. Really love the relationship all three of us have going. Make you a promise,
we wont let you down this time, you mean too much to us.

I replied. I told him i knew that tonight would be hard for all of us, and that I really did want to be coming home tonight.

A quick turn around, got myself changed and a change of clothing for tomorrow in my bag and off again. But this time to Jeff's. I'm back to the way I was with them before, they are constantly on my mind. All through the drive I was looking forward to later. Plus I'd not seen Chris since Pride so was looking forward to catching up there. I'll admit to feeling very strange when I got to Jeffs. I knocked on the door and tried it, as I usually do. It was locked. I have a key so used it to unlock the door. Went in, locked the door behind me and found Jeff in the living room. He beamed at me, I winked and felt like a traitor saying 'hiya honey' to him.

Jeff rolled a spliff which we shared before he went to get into the bath and get ready. I watched the TV. I wasn't uncomfortable there, just it wasn't where I wanted to be. 'So you've had a bad week?' Jeff queried. I rambled a response or at least it felt like I was rambling. True it had been a nasty week what with one thing or another, but not as completely awful as I'd tried to make out.

We rang a taxi, then waited outside for it. The wind was bitter and icy. It was a relief when the taxi came. The taxi sheltered us from the wind but didn't allow me to warm up any. Nerves? Quite possibly. I sent text messages to Chris to let him know where we were but got nothing back. Damn, this was going to make things tricky later. I'd kinda given up on Chris and his friend joining us but had already told Jeff I wanted to play out. I sent a text to Liam about Chris's no-show saying I would still be out.

Bumped into Adrian in passing. Gave him a quick peck but wanted so much more and he told me Liam wasn't going to be around. My heart sank a bit, but I understood. We got a drink and found somewhere to perch. I found my phone and saw I'd got a message from Liam, it was him telling me that he wouldn't be there. I started replying. 'What you doing?' Jeff asked. 'Well the guy I was meeting to sort out a collection isn't going to be here, so I'm finding out what's happening.' This appeased him and we got into conversation when everything was sorted.

I don't believe Jeff thinks there is anything goin on. And I know he wants me. We had a nice time out, and I guess I could breath a little more easily knowing that there weren't going to be any nasty complications later. We moved on, settled, and I went on the hunt for my collection point. All in all it was a good night. I danced myself crazy. 'You're so fuckin sexy,' Jeff started, 'what you doing with me?' I just grinned as a reply, anything more would have been incriminating. I escaped to the loo at one point, sent a text to Mart indicating that I was in love with two of the most wonderful guys on this planet. Yep, I was twatted, and I wanted my boys, so fuking desperately. 'Is there no way I can persuade you?' I texted to Liam. 'How you mean?' was the reply. 'Oh I'm just being naughty and want you both near me so badly.' I sent.

At one point I was dancing, Jeff had gone to the loo. This guy came over, giving me the eye. Attractive, yes. I smiled to be polite and wished Jeff to be back soon. He came back just at the right moment, put an arm around me and kissed my back. The other guy vanished.

Hometime. We got a taxi and went back to Jeffs. A combination of drugs and my dancing ended up with him shagging me in the living room. He wanted more, and I did too, but it was 5.30am. Definately time for bed. He was rambling a bit due to the drugs (I probably was too!) but he said a few things that struck the fear of god into me, it was fortunate that he was that twatted he wouldn't remember them in the morning. I skipped a chance to end this there and then because the fall from that high would have been too devestating. Too much unnecessary hurt. There has to be another time, another chance.

When I woke the following morning it all felt wrong. The wrong bed, the wrong person, the wrong place. How can I describe it? Yes I was with someone I have feelings for, but they're pale in comparison.

The weekend was useful in that it told me where everyone's emotions lie. Importantly it told me where mine were. Reinforced that it was going to be difficult to resolve this situation, but that I would be immeasurably happy once I'd found the way.

Been in a wierd mood since my last entry. Got so much goin on in an around my life and in my head at moment that I don't know where I am!

Went to see Mart last night. I'll be truthful and say I've not seen as much of Mart as I'd like to over the past few months, but it has been issues on both sides. I'd been concerned that something was up. We spoke about it and he told me he was just giving me space with Jeff. Ok, a break from dealing with the kids (on a nearly day-to-day basis) was nice, but I do miss them. There's a strange symbiosis with Mart an me. Last night was the first time me an him have been alone in months. The stress of my current situation had me on edge and I think I was a bit set up for war! He assured me that I'd done nothing wrong, I can only believe him. He'd had problems but didn't want to bother me with them. Its an isolation for both of us that has caused issues. I told him straight: you're my family, don't care what men are or arent in my life; they can go on hold, you can't! So we're back on track, thank god. Also negotiated a slight delay in the D-Day proceedings purely so my li'l baby can play too!

Mart sent Liam a text message which Liam has got an issue with. Thinks he's stepped into something between me an Mart that's gonna cause probs. Truth of the matter is that Mart only has my best interests in mind. He don't wanna see me get hurt, again. Bless him, he was the one who did the great job of putting me back together last time. In a nutshell, if they jerk me about it'll be him they have to answer to. We're talking Social Worker with a baby style...

I'm trying not to get paranoid over Jeff. Generally paranoia is not in my nature but all guarantees are off at the moment. Work is stressing me out (there's so much to be done by yesterday again) but our online conversations are getting really minimal. I'm sure he thinks there's something going on. Mart suggested I call a break with him, let it dwindle down that way. Not an option as that's a sure fire way to let him know that something is going on! Always said that psychologically I'm incapable of having an affair. Think this is proving me right!

That said, I did have an affair for 6 months when i was a gay-baby. The world was completely different then. I was innocent (honestly I was) and leading two separate love lives was hard work but not impossible. Ultimately, the affair is what led me to Pete. Turned out the affair-lad was a lying cheating scum-bag (oh how love blinds you to these things when you're young!) and I was just a 'cash cow' to him. I lost both, at my own willing hands. I wasn't happy with either of the two worlds I was in.

Knowing my 'thing' for multiple-partner relationships another of Mart's suggestions was that I keep them all on! Recipe for disaster? I think so. Doomed from the start. Jeff's already stated that he gets jealous sometimes when he sees me with other people.

I'm either missing the 'I don't give a fuck' part of the gay gene that everyone else has, or mine is broken. I'm too nice to people. It's my sweetest trait and the one that is causing the difficulties now. Anyone fancy abducting this pup for a month or so while the dust settles...?

Can you dig it?
Something in the air tonight.
Got a one way ticket.
Baby, don't you wanna ride?

Got to make it
Make it to the other side.
I've got demons
Snapping at my heels tonight

[CHORUS]
I just want to runaway (Turn me loose).
Got people around running me down
I cant stay.
[WOO] I just want to get away, (I just want to get away now.)
Get them off my back today.

Can u feel it?
Im stuck inside in a hurricane.
Chasing rainbows!
Cant u see im going insane?
I wanna be a free man
But im spinning on this crazy wheel.
Im jumping for the high bar (Cant u dig it)
No longer know what I feel!

Cant u see [CHORUS] I just want to runaway (Turn me loose).
Got people around running me down
I cant stay.
I just want to get away, (I just want to get away now.)
Get them off my back today.

I just wanna runaway.

[Turn me loose, turn me loose]
[Turn me loose, turn me loose]

(Interlude)
[Got to make it, got to make it]
[Got to break it, got to make it]

[CHORUS]
I just want to runaway. (Just want to runaway)
Got people around running me down
I cant stay. (Can't stay here long now)
I just want to get away. (I just got to get away)
Get them off my back today. [WOO]

I just want to runaway.
[La la la la la la]
Just want to get away.
[La la la la la la] [Turn me loose, runin' away runin' away]
Got people around running me down.
I can't stay (Runin' away, runin' away)

I just want to runaway.
[La la la la la la]
Just got to get away.
[La la la la la la] [Turn me loose, runin' away]
Get them off my back today.

[Jamiroquai : Runaway : High Times]

Been a long time since I've written anything here. Again!! Guess its a case of spending too much time living life than writing about it. So I'm not going to promise and try and do better just be honest and say that I'll write every now and then. Probably when theres something on my mind or I got a problem...

Like now I got a serious problem brewing. Could say I'm in a bit of a mess, or at least there is a chance that life could get very shitty shortly. In a nutshell, my emotions are torn. The title of this post is a cryptic message. Remove the first 'One' and three is family. Gawd I have problems keeping life simple!

Its been a very smooth jouney with Jeff over the past few months. He was the first person I think I allowed myself to have feelings for after Liam and Adrian. I didn't write much about what happened afterwards with them. Always meant to, but was never sure of the right things to say. It hurt deeply when we split up. There was a lot of shit surrounding the situation and a lot of unanswered questions. It was hard to deal with, and hard to talk about. Probably pretty common but not something I'd experienced much of in my life. To date, and including Jeff, there have only every been eight boyfriends in my life. As for casual shags and the like... well get the village folk lined up with socks and shoes off, we're gonna need them for counting...!

Smooth journey, yea, but not plain sailing. Its pretty hard to love only one person after being heavily entwined with two. But I managed it! There was friction at the start down to Jeff's ex. In part caused by his ex kinda fancying me. But we got that sorted and he knows now that I'm not the enemy. I've met some really nice people thru Jeff. People that really mean something to me. And Jeff is so sweet, he really is. I know he adores me and we've gone really far in a short time.

But its now it gets complicated. A year to the day who should re-appear in my life? In a big way? Liam and Adrian. Jeff learned early on that even though we werent together that they still meant a hell of a lot to me, despite everything. I never denied that I hadn't got over them properly. I wasn't in love with them but they were still as special as ever to me.

Every time we met back up afterwards my head would be fucked. Serious headfuck. We ended up meeting to go out last Monday. In my own mind there was a chance that I'd fall for them again. But knew that the real test would be at home time. Where would I sleep that night? I put off and put off asking myself the question because I didn't want to. The only answer that counted was the one given at the end of the night.

Now I've done the go back with some random for a fuck, sleep the night, then fuck off in the morning. So many fucking times. I had work in the morning anyway - so shouldn't have been playing out on a school night or doing drugs! - so should really have gone home. Truth of the matter is that we had such a great time with each other. Adrian was being chatted up by this hiddeous chicken (who really thought he was something). Liam an I were of the same mind: VIIIIILLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!

So the chick would flirt with Adrian, then disappear for a while. Adrian (who I'd already slipped a coupla pills to) would come over to me, quick kiss, then talk about how he wished chick would fuck off! Chick tried it on with Liam. There was one moment when chick was talking to Liam trying to arrange a threesome with them. Liam brought me into the conversation. 'Nah, it ain't gonna happen!' i said in a very matter-of-fact way. Liam then told chick that I used to be their boyfriend! Also tried it on with me - a number of times. Possibly thought if he was gonna get anywhere that night then he had to 'please' all of us. Tee hee he.

But the night was dancing and cracking jokes between the three of us. There was someone else with us (aside from chick) and we'd all had a ball. We knew that Mark would end up in McDonalds anyway. He always does. But during the night Mark invited me out on the Saturday and I accepted cos I'd only met Mark a few times but did like him a lot.

Home time came. Mark was still around. Somewhere. Chick was following us a bit like a bad fart. Then came 'the question'. The three of us hugged and kissed when I said I was coming back with them. How we managed to lose chick I'm not sure, but at least I didn't have to use the 'look, he's boning me tonight so fuck off!' line. That came at the instance of the hug!

In one night all the feelings came back. The sex, as always, was wonderful. Sleeping with the three of us in bed felt so natural. Liam said something so beautiful: 'Adrian, our boy has come back.' I felt like I was home again. Like I was happy for the first time in years.

I didn't sleep that night. Adrian went to bed but Liam an I stayed awake cuddling and talking like we used to. He told me how much they'd missed me, an I said the same. Seems Adrian had really missed me a lot. I though back over the night and realised that that was very noticable! He told me they were jealous of Jeff, because he had me now. But I knew long ago that Jeff was not going to be the one in my life forever. Without using the words we were trying to say the same thing.

I came home in the morning for work. Honestly I was waiting for the headfuck to begin and it didn't. Perhaps I was secretly wishing it to happen so I could put it down to experience. The train never arrived...

My intention was to see Jeff the following Friday, but I got a text off him sayin he wasn't feeling too good and wait until Saturday. Was pissed off at this. Even though Monday was still on my mind I'd missed Jeff. Honestly I had. We ended up speaking on MSN, so that was better than nothing. Also spoke to Liam on the phone and was delighted when he said he was coming out with me and Mark. He asked me what I was doing that night so I explained the situation with Jeff and that I was just gonna have an easy night. He was cooking, but said he was half-pissed 'so I'm gonna fuck it up!' I laughed.

I told Jeff on MSN that I would see him on the Saturday but that I'd been invited out by Mark. He asked whether its was ok for him to tag along. I explained that the invite was only for me. He was ok with that and I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't know that anything would happen on the saturday night but knew there was a strong possibility. Either way I was excited about going out.

Saturday morning came and I did the things I had to do before going over to Jeffs. I put out of my mind all my thoughts of Liam and Adrian, Monday, and what could happen later on. We had a nice afternoon, pleasant, nothing special. Just easy like most of the things we do.

Then late afternoon I made a move to get ready and find out the arrangements for the night.

Going out was fun. We really enjoyed ourselves even though there was a bit of friction between Mark and Liam at one point. That will sort itself out. One of those 'i know whats the matter, but its not my place to say, but I can't put it that way' kind of things. Liam told me later that I did the best thing there.

Later on we found Ade - he'd been working. Liam and I, if we're honest, were pretty out of it by the time we got to Ade but we still dragged him off to spend some time with us. I can't tell you what we did or where we did it. We'd decided earlier on that it would make sense for me to go back with Liam so we all went home together. And maybe that was a good thing.

I don't remember the taxi ride back! In fact its the first time I'm having to scrabble to piece the night together. O yea. I can remember giving Ade a blowjob - he knows I love doing that - but I find out the following day that Liam had filmed it on his phone! I've not seen all of it - we discovered it by accident - but Liam said pretty firmly that 'we're not loosing that!' And I remember sitting on Adrian and riding his cock. I've always liked having him inside me but tonight I really needed him to fuck me.

We tried going to bed, but Liam and I just couldn't do sleep. We were restless so we went for a drink, a smoke and a chat before trying sleep again. We tried this a couple of times. Eventually getting probably about an hour! It was in these chattings that all the cards were basically laid out on the table from both sides, all sides really. We looked at each other. We knew what we wanted. We knew that tonight was more than just special. We wanted the same thing. But we also knew that I had to deal with the Jeff-end of the situation and that that was going to be so hard for me.

Sunday morning we woke up. Adrian did the housework while me and Liam lay in bed - one day we will help him with the housework - talking about everything: life, the universe, us, Jeff, Mart, Mark. Adrian had a bath and then lay on the bed naked. I knew sex was on the cards. I wanted it and knew that Ade wouldn't say no. We've fucked in so many positions over time but apparently doggy style was rare. And that's how we did it. To say my arsehole got trashed would be an understatement. He's never fucked me like that before. Slamming it into me, the full length, without mercy, but I knew that even though it hurt at one point and that he'd never ever mean to hurt me that we were both enjoying it too much for him to stop. Liams cock was in my mouth - I was that Sunday Spitroast! - and I was being banged so hard I'm surprised I didn't tear it off! Adrian came and dismounted me. Sweating we fell on the bed. I felt my well ploughed hole. Nice. 'Rite, looks like its your turn now Liam!' I chuckled and cocked my leg over his as if to sit on him. We all started to laugh, kissed, all layed out on the bed. A chuckle, a smile, a stroke of one body part or another. The head of Ade's nob was kissed more than once!

Sunday evening was spent at a firework display. 'You are gonna be bored, you know.' he'd said during the day, but with a grin on his face that said we can make some fun out of this. It was great to spend an ordinary day with them. A few drinks, something to eat, the firework display. Adrian helped out with the display proceedings while we stood and watched. 'Look at him!' Liam said. 'I know, he's loving it. He likes practical things like that though!' I responded. 'He's just a bloody big kid!' went Liam. We fell into laughter. 'Yea, but he is so cute with it!' I added.

So that roughly brings me to the here and now. Went to see Kyle last night. First time we've properly spoken in ages and he was the first person I told what was going on. Despite a text message to Mart telling him about Monday he didn't know anything. The headfuck? Well, something has arrived. Only this time its not the same. This time the headfuck is because I'm going to end up being a prize cunt to Jeff. He doesn't deserve it, hes done nothing wrong, and I know I'm going to break his heart.

Part of me tells me I should stay where I am, forget Liam and Ade, and make what we've got work. But that's just how it was with Pete, he hung around after we split up thinking that we'd get back together. All because I didn't have the heart to shatter his dreams and tell him what I was really feeling. Then I remember a conversation with a good friend, talking about me and Pete. He confronted me saying that he knew I didn't want Pete back, that Pete was being blind but I wasn't helping by trying to keep the peace. I agreed with him, I knew he was right and he urged me to do something about it. I left it to fate. Micheal, however, was the figure in my life that put the Pete situation straight.

For one person to have three people who think the world of him makes me a very lucky person. Very lucky indeed. But I can only choose one path, I've made that decision. And I'm so so sorry that the outcome will cause hurt and pain. I have to follow my heart, be true to my emotions and be fucking honest with the world. And honest to myself and the people I love and care for. I'm so so sorry baby.